Right. As usual I like to dial it back a bit to keep us all sane.

So today I am cunting Tupperware.

The other weekend I made 6 portions of chicken Thai curry. (Was fucking lovely, even reheated – a special recipe of people are interested I will share)

And I got my 6 containers out… 4 of which, the lid interacted with the body just fine.

The other 2, nah. They be popping lids and turning into rhomboids and all sorts of shit.

I threw them back in the draw in anger and fast forward to today, having eaten the curries. I now have 5 piles of warped, distorted lidless plastic bullshit.

You find a base. Yep. You find a lid. Yep. Do they match? Of course they fucking don’t.

Try to put the lid on: it resists. You press harder…One corner clicks down and the other end leaps off like a fucking spring trap.

You try again; sweating, rage building and suddenly the entire bastard thing collapses inwards like a neutron star and sprays your leftovers all over the floor.

Now your bolognese is on the tiles, your cat is trying to eat the Bolognese which will make him shit his pants and you are left slamming plastic rectangles together like some mong on a crystal maze timer. All you need is Richard O’Brien with a harmonica in the background and your set.

Don’t …fucking don’t…even get me started on the ‘warped by microwave’ elite tier of these arsehole containers.
They don’t just refuse to stack and oblige being quantised: they bend reality.

Try fitting a warped lid on a warped base and congratulations… Will you start the fans….please!

Fucking grim. And that’s without last week’s curry smelling like a adminals pie I cooked back in 1999.

Plastic pricks. Can’t rely on them, can’t stack them, seal them or depend on them, even when they are in front of you and they shapeshift when any heat is applied to them.

Should employ them as MP’s and save £90k a pop 😉

Nominated by Cunt Executive Officer.

Attached is a tedious list of the ‘funniest’ jokes at the Edinburgh fringe. Take some time to read them. I think you’ll find it enlightening of what comedy has become.

Laugh? I thought I’d never start. And I didnt.
No doubt this collection of hilarious ‘comedians’ will be appearing on suitably dire tv programmes some time soon. (Taskmaster? 8 out of 10 cats? Songs of Praise?)

MSN

Nominated by Cuntstable Cuntbubble.

is a cunt.

I am of a certain age where carnal offerings can sometimes be passed up for an interesting documentary on TV or the fact that my body does not seem to be assembled properly and the required actions will only damage it more.
My internet viewing involves regular updates from various war zones, and I would guess that on average I see at least 12 people die a day in sometimes bizarre but often brutal manner.
This requires no age verification so if they want a 7-year-old can watch archive footage from a dead soldier’s helmet camera where he was stabbed to death in hand to hand, whether that is healthy for their development or not I don’t know, but it certainly debunks Hollywood films.
So the subject, Porn, to watch porn within the “accepted parameters” you are required to pass age verification, whether it be by credit card (mine does not support this function, but I wont be taking that up with the bank) or facial verification (at this point I got a big thumbs up and smiley with the words ”at your age WOW”.
So driving home for lunch the old man woke up, the Mrs is at work so I thought I would sneak a look, I have appx 40 mins, to eat, exercise the hound, and something recreational, well today I lost half of that doing age verification for a video that I was not 100% happy with, but as I couldn’t be arsed with further verification I browsed it.
I see the come back of printed jazz mags and blue movies, this age verification shit really gets in the way of a quick one off the wrist, but at the same time I can watch the most explicit violence with no checks.
Bunch of prudish cunts

Nominated by Lord Benny.

are cunts.

Sean McGhie is a Scottish removal man.
Hes fruity as fuck.

Anyway he fell out with his boss who wouldn’t buy him a hamburger and has successfully been awarded £5,500 in compensation.

His boss must be fuckin puddled.
Not only would i not employ a screeching arsebandit id not interview the little flamer.

Heavy manual labour.
His wrists will be weak.

Thats not me being homophobic.
I wouldn’t employ sooties, ramjams, carpetkissers, squints, japs, yanks, moose fuckers, cripples, midgets, speccy twats,
The list is endless.

No malice, but im running a business not fucking pride weekend.

But i would of bought him a burger im not tight like his boss.

Flame on!!!

dunfermlinepress

Nominated by Miserable Northern Cunt link by Unkle Terry.

People with no spatial awareness who are completely oblivious to everything going on around them.

I go to the supermarché. 2 people are walking in front of me as I go through the entrance. They both just randomly stop right inside the entrance causing me to nearly go into the back of them. They stand there debating and deliberating over some trivial bullshit while blocking the barriers to get in.
Blood pressure starts to increase. “Excuse me!” I say. “Oh err sorry” they say. Walking down one of the aisles and a family walks down 4 a-side down the aisle. I stand my ground. Eventually they realise and one of them steps behind the others.

Down another aisle. I don’t know why people do this but a person ahead decides to turn their trolley sideways blocking the aisle and then does a u-turn.

Getting more annoyed now.

Further along and a group of people gathering what appears to be their entire family for a reunion down one of the aisles blocking it.

People with a scan as you shop gun, but forget to scan as they shop so go to the till anyway with a massive trolley full of stuff.

People who only have their phone or watch to pay with like their Dick Tracy or something.

People who stop at the top an escalator also piss me off.
How can you not know where you’re going. It takes ages to get to the top of the escalator. Plenty of time to decide. There’s only a couple of options sometimes. FFS.

I hate shopping. I’d have it delivered but I’m too tight to pay for it and they substitute weird shit with your order. Like when they don’t have the right dog food, so they send a chew toy instead. WTF?

The only link I could find is American I believe, I say, I believe naaaah boooy!!

rude shopping

Nominated by Harold.