Pissheads

The wife and I parked up at our local supermarket yesterday and on heading for the entrance, were confronted by an all too common sight these days; the pisshead.

There he was, sprawled against the wall, manky from head to foot; and having spent his hard-earned benefits on large bottles of cider and cans of lager, going off on one at customers going in and out of the store.

‘Wassa lookin’ a’ yer fuckers’ he ranted at us, ‘ bassas fuck off the lorra ya’ etc. I swear that it was just like seeing the legendary ‘Brown Bottle’ brought to life in front of our eyes;

Flickr Link

We came out about half an hour later and he was still sprawled out, only now he’d pissed himself and was sitting in an expanding pool while two scuffers and a store security guard tried to get some sense out of him.

Now don’t get me wrong; I like a drink, but bloody Nora. This cunt was making a public spectacle of himself where he could be seen by youngsters as well as everybody else. Part of me had a little bit of sympathy for someone reduced to that state, but then you could argue that he’d brought it on himself.

I know it’s commonplace for people to think that being drunk is funny, but all too often drunks are antisocial (see any town centre on Saturday night), sometimes plain nasty, and worst of all, dangerous. As I said, I like a drink, but pissheads can get to fuck.

Daily Mail Link

Nominated by: Ron Knee

is a cunt

Sorry, it’s bollocks. I’m practicing it at the moment and on so many clips, you get penalised for clicking early. If the goal of the theory test is to make the roads safer, why on earth are we encouraged to only click when a hazard is developing instead of when we first see the potential for it?

All this crap does is promote reactive as opposed to proactive driving.

reddit.com

Nominated by Opinionated Cunt.

is a cunt

The Red Princess
Holidays in Ibeeza.
Or, Gobshite goes Abroad.

Phone rings…

Angie: Hi Donnah, it’s Angeh ‘ere.
How about we book a girls trip to Ibeeza – we’ll ‘av a right larrf.

Donna: Oh that’s a great idea Angeh.
We could relive our yoof and weren’t it Ibeeza where we all conceived our kids, ya know wiv them lads we met?

Angie: Yeah that’s right I remember now. We were all council estate gals then weren’t we?

Donna: OK, I’ll get on to Wendah and Salleh they’ll be mad for it. But wait a minute, wouldn’t it look a bit bad you ‘aving a late summer break an’ disco dancin’ an’ all that when your lot ‘av condemned millions of old age pensioners to a cold miserable winter?

Angie: Nah that’s just politics. I’m exhausted after a few weeks in government and need some fun. I’ll dress very subtly in me red dress so ‘ardly anyone will notice.

Donna: OK then luv, see you at manchestar airport, make sure you’re all tanked up for the flight.

Angie: You bet darlin’. An’ by the way I’ve got some Oasis tickets for next year!!! Only paid 300 knicker each.

Donna: But isn’t that the amount of the winter fuel allowance?

Angie: So wot kid it’s only moneh! I’m on 150 grand a year now. Mad for it!

Sky news

Nominated by Lord Helpus.

The wife and I have got a little game which some might find odd but we love; it involves delving into your wank bank, or rub hub as she calls it. It’s great fun.

You and your partner or friend each name five people from your wank bank, and then select one, without specifying your choice. You take it in turns to let your imagination run riot where your selection is concerned, while the other does the necessary for a ‘happy ending’. It’s stimulating and relaxing. I recommend anyone to give it a go.

There is an odd proviso however. The game can lead to the revealing of some seriously odd wank bank suggestions, particularly where the fair sex is concerned. Take the night before last. I named the following as my five; the Anderson twins (Gillian and Pamela), Julia H-B, Polly Walker, and Alex Kingston. A seriously mouth-watering collection to fantasise over I’d say. But what about the wife? Well get this; Sean Connery, Adam ‘Kylo Ren’ Driver, android Cmdr Data from ‘Star Trek’, Bill Murray (‘Groundhog Day’ version), and that inexplicable fanny magnet Monty Don.

Talking afterwards, I wondered about her selections (okay, I’ll give her Connery, even though he’s brown bread), and got these responses; ‘sooo intense, and that dreamy voice’ (Driver), ‘every girl’s ultimate toy’ (Data), ‘so charismatic’ (Murray), ‘oooooh, being pawed by those big, rough hands!’ (Don).

Now it’s not just the missus with some weirdo choices in the bank. I’ve got some dear female friends who’ve also owned up over the years. Take my friend Maggie. All the choices she once named were slapheads, such as Dwayne Johnson, Vin Diesel and Jason Statham (‘he’s a brute’ she says, shivering in anticipation). She wants to massage their heads with warm oil. Then you’ve got Elaine. On one occasion, after she’d sunk over a bottle of red, she named Jimmy Nail (‘a bit of rough in Armani’), John Malkovich (who knows?), and heaven forbid, Peter bloody Dinklage (‘I’m just curious that’s all, what’s wrong with that?’). Last but not least there’s Vicky, who fantasises about being Gordon Brown’s underpants. Straight up.

Maybe by coincidence I just know some strangely imaginative women with an unorthodox mindset, but there’s a small selection of weirdo female wank bank contenders and no mistake. Men are from Mars etc. Any of you cunters know somebody with some odd fantasy fixation?

Anyhow, here you go Elaine my dear, have this one on me;

ebay

Nominated by Ron Knee.