This afternoon reminded me of the reason i don’t really enjoy a buffet or spread, even with family.
Unfortunately my brother is prone to sniffles and sneezes over anything, my foghorn sister-in-law coughs loudly and obnoxiously (there is very little she does that isn’t obnoxious) and my dad coughs, sneezes and splutters over anything with a kick, be it white pepper, horseradish, mustard or chilli.
I decided I’d had my fill after a plate of this weekend’s offerings after the family had been in the kitchen, coughing, spluttering and sneezing.
No dessert thanks. I don’t care how nice it would’ve been, or that I paid for half the food. it’s now covered in droplets of sputum.
As the relatives on my dad’s side are all quite greedy (they have always been keen groakers at family meals), i wonder if it is a way of marking the food they intend on ingesting later in the evening. All I can say about it is it’s fucking disgusting, and the main reason i never use buffets in restaurants.
It also seems those who use the buffet, particularly those who frequent AYCE emporia/barns on the outskirts of large provincial towns are malnourished members of the underclass, strangers to green coloured food (they probably eat more blue food than green – wonder if there’s a ratio of green to blue for fat cunts on mobility scooters NHS dieticians have developed) and thus prone to coughing, spluttering and sneezing from a lack of vitamins, and in turn, infect each other via ladles of lurid sludge steeped in MSG.
Nominated by: Cuntamus Prime
The secret is to get in first. Load your plate up so you only need to go once.
4
Wouldn’t bother me.
Germs aren’t real.
It’s a tool of the elites to control the masses. 🙄
Love a good buffet me.
Funerals are the best ones.
It’s hard to look sad running for seconds with a paper plate.
15
now you’re talking, can’t beat a good funeral with a boiled ham tea, luvvly spread, youngster thesedays don’t know the’re born with their humas avocados and shit
0
I almost got into a fight with some cunt in a restaurant once.
The table next to us had a man and what appeared to be his wife.
When they were waiting for their bill and we were still eating the guy shifted in his seat into the classic fart position and let one rip.
I went fucking ballistic on the cunt.
This wasn’t a pair of yob kids, it was a middle aged couple where the man had loudly and proudly dropped his guts.
By shouting loudly at him I let everyone know what the fucker had done.
His wife started to have a go back at me but soon shut the fuck up when Mrs Cunter told her that she would bitch slap her out of the door.
The waiters brought over his change and told him to never come back.
12
Presumably it wasn’t a veggie restaurant as you’re still alive to tell the tale.
7
Yes but it was better than a SBD.
1
You need a new family, CP.
3
Don’t forget double dippers..
Take one dip and end it..
https://youtu.be/QD2BnE83zBw?si=vKbV89-xm63aNic3
5
TB patients coughing and spluttering in the vicinity of food should be avoided at all costs. Them and Paki waiters who spunk in your curry before bringing it to the table.
10
Exactly.
It’s not just buffets.
At least you can see what’s going on at a buffet.
The standards of hygiene in restaurant kitchens are generally appalling.
Don’t get fooled into thinking that the standards will be higher in a more classy restaurant, because they are not.
Be very careful in choosing an Indian or Chinese place to eat.
Even Indians will not eat in a restaurant owned and staffed by Bangladeshis.
They will always choose a restaurant where the chefs and staff are Punjabi.
I suspect that in the UK now food inspectors don’t bother checking out restaurants run by foreigners.
It’s probably racist.
17
True 👍
5
Yep – it’s the same for wherever you eat food not prepared and presented by yourself!!
Although it is governed by strict legislation, you can never be absolutely sure of anything – cruise ship, McDonalds, even M&S packed sandwiches.
Most times you just got to take the chance.
And thanks for the tip on Punjabis.
2
Some of the cunts get low star ratings here. Still I don’t use them, the creatures are always hawking and gobbing.
1
Love a bit of chef sauce in my curry, adds a nice dimension of creaminess.
2
Wipe your arse with some ham and make them a sandwich, failing that, a vat of acid should be sufficient for sanitation.
3
Never use a buffet.Not for me Dirty germ spreaders.Full immediate oven.
5
I always use my hanky to wipe green gilberts off the trifle. Manners innit.
3
Restaurant and food court (trial by ordeal) buffets are troughs for humans or creatures vaguely resembling them. Troughs are for food animals and I’ll not be the Sunday roast for our reptilian overlords.
🚻🫵🏰🍖🐲🚫
3
Just cough loudly into a hankie and proudly exclaim “This TB is proving a bugger to shift”.
Don’t get caught in the crush for the door.
4
I remember serving on a buffet at the local pub when I was at uni. Sunday was cheap nasty roast dinner day, students descended en masse to fill up on a good old traditional English processed cancerous microwaved roast dinner.
Nut roast eating veggie student asks for some potatoes, and proceeds to go apeshit at me when I serve them to her with a utensil I take off the beef. I then ask her if she wants some stuffing, which she gleefully accepts, her satisfaction exceeded only by my own, knowing, as I did, that the chef had pulled that stuffing out of the turkey’s arsehole only half an hour earlier.
7
At school I used to get slices of those Bernard Matthews salty turkey logs for the roast dinners, made from proper turkey tumours and neck wattle. the stuffing balls tasted like pot pourri or urinal cakes
Bootiful.
4
Ah the joys of Mechanically Reclaimed Meat – there’s nothing a high pressure hose can’t strip off a carcass to create a tasty treat for all the family.
2
A lot of the staff at any pub,restaurant or catering outlet in the country look like they sleep rough.
It can quite put a fellow off his rag pudding with chips,mushy peas and gravy.
The dirty cunts.
8
Oh and all the other customers are cunts as well.
7
I can’t stand buffets, my mother-in-law insists on doing them when we get the dreaded family ‘catch up’ text where I have to listen to bell end (aka my brother in law) who is as much use as chocolate fireguard and his trolly dolly wife, who thinks she owns the airline she works for (I reminded her that she is technically a waitress at 35,000 ft and that did not go down well).
Then there is father in law who only seems to think of food, repeating ever 5 minutes, when is it ready, when is ready (it’s your house, you cunt, get up and have a look).
Then there’s the sis in law, who should stay away from buffet and perhaps eat air pie for a months “dieting is for people who are self confident, we should eat what we want and not be controlled” – yes love, tell that to your jeans.
Not forgetting all the little sprogs running around who don’t wash their hands after fingering the bum hole of the smelly shit machine dog belonging to bell end before grabbing handfuls of crips that went out of date at Xmas and some manky old cheese that smells like the local bishops cock.
No ta, food served on a plate, directly after having been cooked and only passed to me is the way forward.
13
Buffets only work if the food is covered. Once you see a cockroach crawling over the cold meat and some flying ants near the pork, you know there are plenty more backstage.
Eat at home.
6
I love buffets. Particularly those cylindrical pastries with a densely-packed sausage meat core. And pineapple & cheese hedgehogs …
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C0b7dsyWEAAPB-l?format=jpg&name=large
Exquisite & classy.
6
what about the old 60s favourite, planet cocktail, cheese and leftover sausage bits on sticks stabbed into a grapefruit wrapped in tinfoil, sputnik
0
Now living alone with all the dust I can’t clear away due to fucked up arthritic hands, there’s nothing more I love better than letting off my own Elisabeth Schwarzkopf’s (farting and coughing) to my hearts content.
3
You’ll probably know if you’re familiar with the world famous German soprano, that the English translation of her name, is Betty Blackhead.
1
And also uncovered sneezes to me are orgasms without condoms.
1
My uncle used to work in a kitchen that was frequented by the so called toffs of the borough back in the fifties, he used to say he loved seeing the wankers overpaying for the ‘top notch’ fare when they would have fainted at the standard of the kitchen hygiene…..🪳🐭…….’waiter,i seem to have extra toppings on this salad’.
4
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to eat out again.
Morning all.
6
If you’re a regular customer, take note like the kitchen staff, never complain to waiters about anything, otherwise you’re bound to get double the extra helping you’d received the previous visits.
1
I love buffets, especially the ones in the US. The others are complete wank by comparison. Being well aware of human DNA being sneezed, coughed or spat onto the food, I always make sure I dig down a bit and get a lower layer. Worse than that are unattended kids who seem to think they can try and put back. Little cunts!
1
The lower layers may have been there 3 or 4 days as fresher stuff is simply piled on top.
3
I can think of a certain General who behaves like this
5
I see he’s been up to his old tricks again…🤤
5
Indeed he has. A truly odious individual – I’m not one to laugh at people for having mental problems but one does suspect that his own troubles were largely self-caused.
5
How I agree with this nomination. People sniffing coughing – especially the Dark Keys who hawk (my next door neighbour does that every morning – fucking disgusting), and another bete noire of mine is people who work in food shops who lick their fingers to open the bag before they put comestibles in it. Anyone found guilty of these offence should be treated very severely, by having a pair of AnalEase Dodds shit encrusted knickers placed over their heads, with the pissed stained gusset right next to their nostrils.
3
That’s a gruesome thought Ron, she’s honking.
1
The old Barnsley PoundLand shop bag lickers. Lovely.
0
Anybody seen the waiter in Road Trip when told that there’s sugar on the French Toast? Goes into the kitchen, licks it off, shoves the toast down his undercrackers then walks with it still in his pants whilst sneaking a fart out. Then returns it to Kyle for him too eat. I’ve watched this film about 10 times but still makes me laugh out loud.
2
i have told people who invite me to AYCE shitholes ‘no thanks’, especially the Chinese variety, which precooked meat in either salt-flavoured soy or sugary red sauce, served in canteen troughs alongside lurid yellow egg fried rice.
I wouldnt feed that muck to my dog.
Rather be thought of as a snob than dine on chav (and chinaman) sputum.
0