Wine Connoisseurs

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There are not many people more cuntish than wine connoisseurs.

Wine is a drink for the masses. In many countries it is cheaper than water and certainly safer to drink. Even young children get in on the act, half a glass of wine topped up with lemonade.

So why in some countries is the wine thing so fucking poncey?

A stuck up waiter will pour a tiny amount for you to taste.
Just leave the bottle you cunt, it’s house red not a fucking Chateau Briand 85.

On to the tasting ritual……

First you have to hold your glass up to the light and check that there are no flies, toenails or corn plasters.
Then you have to stick your nose into the glass to get the aroma.
If it doesn’t smell like vinegar then you go on to taste it.A large sip which you have to swill around your mouth before swallowing.

Now you have to say the first and most pretentious thing you can think of.

“I’m getting a hint of saddle soap and freshly mown grass”

It’s all bollocks. If you watch a proper wine tasting session you will see that nobody actually drinks the stuff. They spit it out.

The reason is that they don’t want to fuck up their taste buds for the next wine.

So why do people buy an entire bottle of expensive wine in a restaurant? They are only going to appreciate the first sip.

Buy just a glass of the good stuff and follow that with a bottle or two of the cheap shit.

I have never worked out what to do with the cork when I am given it in the super poncey restaurants that I have been to.

More research is needed.

Nominated by: The Artful Cunter

51 thoughts on “Wine Connoisseurs”

  1. I don’t drink wine, im a ale man myself, nearest I get is vinegar on my chips.
    Ive always seen wine as something ‘french’ , a bit poseur,bit gay,a bit decadent.
    The specialist types sniffing it and swilling it round their mouth?
    ‘ I wiped my cock on that’..

  2. I recall an old BBC show from the 90s concerning p0ncing about with wine tasting.

    I think it starred Jilly Goolden, who was a rather sexy filly at the time, but she was equally off her head with such irritating enthusiasm for the grape.

    https://www.facebook.com/BBCArchive/videos/1991-wine-tasting-on-food-and-drink/259891615511529/?extid=SEO—-

    But then you had the likes of Keith Floyd and his excellent cookery programmes in the 80s, which also involved a nice bottle of red or three. But he didn’t p0nce about sampling the flavour, he just swigged it down like the gent he was

    • Jilly Cooper. Yes, I once heard he say ‘ I’m getting bakelite radios on a bonfire’ About fucking wine. Complete horseshit.

    • Can you imagine Jilly Silly describing the flavours of a dollop of spunk in her gob?
      “I’m picking up curry sauce ,with a hint of excrement and a pungent aftertaste of gonorrhoea pus”
      Ooooh Oz you filthy bugger ! (that’s Oz Clarke partner in crime)

      RIP Keith floyd. Sadly missed.

  3. Best wine in a restaurant is always the second cheapest on the list i.e the first bottle and not the stuff in the carafe. 2 years old 5 years old 25 years old all bollocks. PS Ultra dry Cava is way nicer the 4 times as much froggy-pange .. Going to put a tot of scotch in my morning coffee thinking of booze as made me fancy some. hic..

  4. It’s the same with whiskey, which is essentially ethanol flavoured with burnt wood…

    • In regards to the cork thing,
      Your meant to shove it up your arse so you don’t get bummed when passed out in the carpark.

      • How do you know that Mis, have you passed out in the car park and woken up with a slack bum hole, once bitten, keep the cork!!! 😂

        Champagne corks of course 👍

  5. Yeah wine is basically for women, bumders and p*nces. Some cunt gave me a bottle of red wine for a present once. I didn’t touch it for months, didn’t know what to do with it. Then one night I necked it in about 25 minutes followed by a couple of cans and I was akip before you knew it. The next morning my head felt “like a pig shat in it” (Withnail and I) and my throat was as dry as one of Ghandi’s sandals, the skinny cunt. I don’t think i’ve touched red wine since.
    On rare occasions I will neck a bottle of Pinot wossname followed by some Stellas but that’s solely for the purpose of getting pissed at home. I can’t imagine myself drinking it in a pub or restaurant. If I’m forking out that kind of dough i’ll drink what I fucking like not what some p*nce or homo thinks is “suitable”. It’s all piss water to me.

    • The only use I find for a bottle of red is to add it to the cooking process when making a home-made spag bol or chili con carne – marvellous!

      Either that or splatter it round the toilet bowl. More effective that Domestos!

    • Wine before beer – you’ll be qweer
      beer before wine – you’ll be fine.

      Experience holds this to be somewhat correct, although I haven’t strayed since I learned this, so have no recent experience.

  6. “A meal without wine, is like a day without sunshine” – Montaigne.

    It’s alright, I am after a job on Wireless 3 again….

    I am an unassuming little cunt, but I think you will be amazed by my presumption

    • WC,
      Montaigne can get fucked,
      I like neither sunshine or wine.
      Give me a pint of landlords choice rather than that peanut gringo, or asti spewmanti.
      They say red accompanies meat
      White for fish.
      I say chips for both.

  7. That can be taken into Scotch whisky country (Scotland, chumps). Having among other things worked as a barman in my time I can confirm that after the first dram of 35-year-old aged-in-oak-barrels-made-from-the-timbers-of-the-Victory very special limited edition reserve Glenbollock Highland Malt, the punter crass and daft enough to order it will not be able to tell if the second helping he orders in his boring Embra-lawyer voice is Red Hackle or worse, from an optic formerly containing amaretto, and unwashed since. It is, dear reader. Follow the money.

  8. I quite like it with chilli.
    Red from Aldi.
    Like Vimto on steroids.
    Never drink it when looking to get a bit wasted as it provides dreadful hangovers.
    The French cunts.

      • Argie Malbec from wherever or at whatever cost is usually more than adequate. Chilean also. The only criterion being that I like the taste. I like the taste of the £7 version from the Co-op very much indeed.

    • Too right. That’ll teach Robert Shaw to pay attention. If he wasn’t dead.

  10. I await with some trepidation/excitement for a response from our very own cultural wine connoisseur, Sir Dick Fiddler!

    I feel confident he will put us in our place, informing us we are ignorant plebs who wouldn’t know a fine red from a bottle of Tizer.

    Come to think of it even the name “connoisseur” is not only p*ncy, but also bloody difficult to spell. Sounds a bit French to me – which explains a lot.

    • I doubt it. Wine is quite clearly for women and poofs and Sir Fiddler is not known for his fondness for the gayness.
      Of course I could be totally wrong. He may secretly be a raving iron for all I know. Or at least has certain “tendencies.”

      • Speaking of whom, I haven’t seen him around here for a couple of days. Has he been abducted by Fat Reg and Owen Jones and become their sex gimp?

  11. Wine is ace-a a large glass of wine makes wiminz (over 30) lower their barriers, a bottle turns them into predatory nymphomaniacs👍
    (In my youthful experiences).

    Single malt fan here👍.

    Techno: Lord Fiddler is an aficionado of a pie and a pint.
    I imagine proper Beamish, x8 pints, sunk after the rugby, would be his choice.
    A nightcap if 25 year old scotch, afore farting the night away in dreamland👍

  12. Gin and tonic, Bombay Sapphire with ice and a slice

    Or a nice Margarita 👍

    Or Long Island Ice Tea, no cork available so take it easy, don’t want to pass out in the car park 😉

  13. Olly Smith

    Wine expert on Saturday kitchen live.

    Stupid grinning smug as fuck wanker who went to Charterhouse and Cambridge, never done a proper days work in his life.

    Sort of face you want to smack
    with a shovel, over and over again.

    Can’t see the point of his existence.

  14. ‘I have never worked out what to do with the cork when I am given it in the super poncey restaurants that I have been to.’

    Where do you think Jess Phillips gets her butt plugs from?

  15. I have a little fiddle (commercial for new mucky minded bastards 🙂 ) with a mate, who is a wine merchant and invoices my wine up at wholesale prices. That together with trips out to California to see family who live in a wine making region and being a former barman has got me interested in the whole subject of fermented grape juice.
    There is a lot of BS in the wine trade and I can do that with the best of them. If you want to appear knowledgeable just use the term ‘fruit forward’ to describe any wine with a hint of grape juice.

  16. Beer is the solution to wine snobbery. Preferably home brewed from scratch, no extracts. Make it just how you like and fuck off to Marstons, Heinekunt and all the other cunt breweries out there. That reminds me, I must comb the bits out of me beard.

  18. I like some wines but I don’t much care for it either I don’t go out of my way to buy it usually. I know all about the froggy wine scam just like overpriced scotch. Wine snobbery is for rich cunts

    The only wine I buy on the regular is dubonnet and graham’s tawny or a vintage port. If I’m going to a social gathering and someone asks me to bring wine I buy the cheapest bottle of plonk available fuck em

  19. French and German wines are overpriced rank slop.
    Avoid these, wines from Chile are good, and supermarkets have lots of good wines for next to nothing. Vernon Fox – “wine connoisseur”!
    All I drink is the blood of my enemies of course – wine is for softies! 😀

  20. Jilly Goolden was bloody awful, so up her own arse with absurd descriptions she became a self-caricature.
    Keith Floyd’s tip, which was a genuine French one from the region, was to make a Kir with the “local” red, NOT white.
    Fantastic!!

    • I remember her talking about one wine tasting like motorcycle tyres and walruses. Sounded like it tasted like shit, but the drugs she was on mustve been good.

  22. It’s been in the bottle for years, it’s dead just fucking drink it and that’s only when you have run out of everything else….

  23. The good thing about ( red ) wine, it has fuck all carbs in it.

    I’ve been on a low carb diet and have lost 12 pounds in the last 30 days from the start.

    With that in mind , I do have about 9-10 bottles of Tesco’s cheapest red wine a week – some days zero – some days three – which gets me nicely pissed. -while
    getting rid of my hideous beer belly.

  24. ” I say waiter, this wine is corked!”

    “Of course eet eez you cunt ,otherwise eet won’t stay in ze bottle!”

  26. My young lady Miss busty drinks Chateau Pape De Neuf, it seems to make her even more frisky than usual!
    Intolerable it is..

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