Ah me the ever revolving weirdness of human psycho-sexuality. Where would we – and the tabloids – be without out it. Ancient Greeks were at it, Roman Empire was at it and so on. Current media storm about choke chains but more about that later.

Last time there was much previous controversy was in relation to dogs and as a method of controlling the vicious cunts. “Choke ’em orf old sport until the buggers learn” was the long standing advice and as practised by the Kennel Club Neanderthals. Big scandal and outraged old ladies in tweed skirts and dog like faces pillared in the press. Come to think of it one of my wives who was of the doggie fancy (bred the wiffie bastards) had a cunt that smelt like a dog but I take that no further.

Then in the ’70s/’80/’90s we had a spate of Tory MPs (eg Stephan Milligan) and celebs being found dead in hotel room wardrobes with paraphernalia such as bin bags (heads in) and sash cord (knotted) and chains (tight) around very livid necks. As an old leatherman I would be the last to wish to ban the more extreme forms of human sexual expression but I retain my right to laugh at it.

bleeding cool tv

So on to the latest internet revelations viz choke chains sold for sexual pleasure and promises by the likes of Amazon and Tik Tock to take down adverts of them around female necks (with some gay turn-ons featured) and some with sound clips of sexual ecstasy. Shock horror domination and dangerous control of women. Take it down spoil sports, take it down.

Where they have a point is that there are always weirdos out there who will take pleasure in inflicting pain on their partners for money or otherwise (why do we fools find ourselves lured up the tortured path to matrimoney…deliberate misspelling). Traditionally men are wired up to experience sexual auto-asphyxiation and have practised it since time immemorial. It is the dirty secret of hanging – eg crowds of females would flock to public hangings to cheer or boo at the size of the victim’s dick.

Women do not take their pleasure in the same way so the choke chain is being flogged to the wrong market. They should have the facility to choke their male partners, not the other way around. Displays of chains in plain wrappers in every ladies hairdressers. “Something for the weekend ma’am”. What a way to go.

Reminiscing about the late Cynthia Payne, the Streatham madam, an acquaintance. She offered many services and Cynth and her girls were past masters of the arts of sexual auto-asphyxiation and could bring clients in and out of the sweet spot of the choking climax with the skill of the most experienced medical anaesthetist. Ms Payne would allude – discreetly – to her education at Guy’s Hospital and her continuing service to the staff.

Nominated by Sir Limply Stroke.