Are useful cunts. Maybe C.A.
Spiders, and how to keep them outdoors.
Short answer, you can’t, and why would you if they’re going to eat these infuriating fruit flies that are driving me insane!
The females live indoors mostly, you just don’t see them, while the males do macho stuff outdoors, like hang gliding and abseiling, and probably barbecueing, for all I know.
I was bitterly disappointed by the non-invasion of flying ants. Not a bloody one! I bought insect spray guaranteed to kill anything with wings.
Ha! The fruit flies haven’t got the memo.
Anyway, as you know, I have an aversion to insects, except butterflies and dragonflies.
I don’t even like caterpillars ( yes, I know. It’s like hating babies but quite liking small , well-behaved children ).
I once watched a woolybear, must have been six inches long, hump it way up my drive, the drive is a good car length, the wooly did it in about 3.8 seconds and quite frankly terrified me.
Enjoy your winter guests folks, though there’s one currently taking refuge under my two sofas and frightening the crap out of me when I catch it moving to and fro with the corner of my eye.
Nominated by Jeezum Priest.
Fuck me, Animal Magic with JP .
Spiders are wonderful little things,
a marvel of evolution,
I don’t kill them,
I leave em be,.
unless Missus Miserable demands I get one out the bath,
spiders are preferable to pakis as guests.
They inspired Robert the Bruce
and gave Peter Parker his powers.
Although I’ve been bitten a few times gardening and I didn’t get the proportional strength of a spider, spider sense or ability to climb walls.
My hand swelled up like a balloon.
anyway, I like em
5
According to ‘expert’ David Steward
‘Spiders can enter our properties the same way any other other insect enters our home’
So an ‘expert’ thinks a spider is an insect.
And a whale is a fish.
5
And a journalist knows no more than the expert it seems Geordie. Then again it might be an ignorant journalists interpretation of what the expert actually said. After all it’s journalists who measure area in units of football pitches and volume in units of swimmimg pools.
Anyway, like Mis we like our spiders round here. We have some super ones, big and fat and round and hairy and they run like fuck. I’ve sometimes pulled on a jumper and one has run out of the end of a sleeve. Not too keen on that I must admit. I don’t mind housing them but I do draw the line at them wearing my clothes.
5
Dave had obviously got a bit confused when he saw a six legged one that had lost two in a fight.
3
And he’ll think a centipede that’s lost 94 legs in a fight is an insect/spider.
3
Would not recommend a Centipede as a pet unless you are very patient. Going for a walk can be a real pain in the arse. The little critters take ages to get their shoes on. I’ve already left.
2
If I didn’t kill them when found inside the house Mrs Terry would have a heart attack and,if she survived,would give me a good telling off for being a soft cunt.
More importantly the cooked breakfasts at the weekend would be placed in grave peril.
Therefore it’s Mrs Terry 1 – 0 versus spiders.
Good morning.
4
Spare a thought for the poor spiders, do you have any idea of the price for spectacles these days..
They have no problem gaining access to anywhere, being
spy-ders..
6
They really don’t bother me in this country. They’re generally harmless and get scooped up with a glass and an envelope and relocated outside in the garden.
I’ve worked in the middle east and encountered camel spiders. They’re massive, very aggressive and can outrun a man at full sprint.
Ours are incredibly well behaved by comparison.
7
I particularly like spiders from Mars…😩
4
of them 650 species of spider in the UK,
only 12 can break human skin .
well, I must of met 11 of them because nearly ever year I get bit.
Just occurred to me,
Peter Parker lived with his elderly aunt May,
they struggled for money and Peter took on work as a photojournalist to make ends meet , struggling to keep their heads above poverty.
Peter develops a Web fluid capable of holding his weight and swinging him from building to building,
a invention that could of netted him millions.
or a well paid position at a pharmaceutical company.
am I overthinking it?
6
Spiders just get a bad press:
Little Miss Muffett
Sat on her tuffett
Her knickers all tattered and torn
But it wasn’t the spider, who sat down beside her
It was Little Boy Blue with the horn
6
What I dislike about them is the mess they make. Webs everywhere, indoors and out, with the outdoor ones capturing all manner of detritus and making the outside if my house look unsightly. Inside they seem to shit on everything. Ever noticed those dots on window frames and elsewhere? I used to be sympathetic, but no more.
4
Agree,FC.
Prolific shitters.
And have a thing for my car door mirrors,every single fucking night.
Get the message,you eight legged freaks.
3
My son is terrified of spiders.
something I see as a major character flaw and deeply Ducky.
A man shouldn’t scream and stand on a stool like some cartoon black housekeeper because of a little spider.
There a customer I’ve got an she breeds tarantulas.
hundreds of plastic tanks in a bedroom full of them.
dont really see the point,
as pets go a spider is pretty rubbish
throw a ball for it
sits there looking at you.
4
The cousin of Mrs Odin mk I was the biggest breeder of spiders and scorpions in Denmark.
Wait until you get hissed at by a Goliath spider.
You will shit your pants
5
When ours were little Mis we took ’em to Drayton Manor Park one day. The younger one disappeared, which was one of her favourite pastimes from a very early age. I walked into a marquee where they were showing various animals to the kids. She was standing there all three feet of her, quite unperturbed, with a a huge tarantula sitting on her palm, legs hanging over the sides of her hand. She was disappointed when I made her hand it back and led her away.
3
I remember when my daughter was about 5yr Arfur we took her to Blackpool zoo.
There was a enclosure with tapirs,
my daughter said
” whys that one got 5 legs?”
the crowd all roared with laughter.
the tapir had a huge erection .
The Missus led her away.
3
I was always fascinated by the tarantula hawk wasp. This creature to me is like the honey badger of the insect world for its sheer boldness. The largest wasp with the most delibitating sting, only surpassed by the bullet ant.
3
Spiders are brilliant. If you listen really carefully you can hear them talking. Its mainly politics . The like Nigel and Rupert, but don’t trust any of the Labour front bench. Some even wear very tiny Nazi uniforms and jackboots, but know better than to be seen out and about in them, even at fancy dress parties. That would give the game away.
Good morning, everyone.
6
It’s probably just extreme right wing, Nazi chit chat bigotry bollocks. As well as being cannibals, all spiders are racist to you know!
3
How do you know it’s the ladies that hang about indoors,JP ?.
Did you just presume their pronouns ?
Mis-gendering spiders,shame on you sir.
4
Good point Mr Cuntwell.
He should expect a stern visit from plod to correct his “wrong think”.
With a 5 year dose of the cement.
3
I use the hunt, catch, remove method, you are not invited so leave.
Maybe the government could use the same approach for illegal invaders.
Hate flies, every time you open a door or window in summer at least one little cunt comes in.
3
Very fond of jumping spiders, just saying.
2
Leave spiders alone. They get rid of more annoying insects, besides their webs being a work of art. I remember seeing a famous one in a glass case at York Minster, when going to a performance of Gustav Mahler’s Resurrection Symphony in 1969.
2
Quite right, Sammy. Also, they have lots of eyes so they can see all around like a sub perisocpe.
➖
1
As well as many other things, 🇬🇧PM Andy Bumhim must be a spider as I didn’t invite him into my home…
0