“I think I’m in love,C.A.

“Good afternoon. This is IsAC’s political correspondent Ron Knee. I’m joined now by Chancellor Rachel Reeves, to discuss the ramifications of her Autumn budget. Thanks for joining us Rachel, or *snicker* may I call you ‘Thievin’?”

“Beast! Can’t you say something nice? *Sob* I’m going to cry again…”

“Something nice? Well let’s see… erm, you’ve got a great arse. I’d love to-”

“You awful sexist beast *sniffle*. I’m going to report you to the police for hate crime!”

“Blimey, how can saying your arse is fabulous be hateful? Anyway, least said, soonest mended. Now about the budget…”

“Keir says it was a positive triumph. A budget for the people. A budget for Britain!”

“Hang on. A budget for Britain? Growth down the toilet, inflation up, unemployment up, borrowing and debt at record levels, more broken promises on tax, another massive transfer of resources from those in work to those shirking at home and churning out kids, that’s a budget for the people?”

“Well look, times are hard. I fixed the public finances in my first budget and said I wouldn’t be back for more, except that now I am. But it’s not my fault. It’s all the fault of Brexit. And Covid. And the war in Ukraine. And fourteen years of gross mismanagement by the Tories. And economic headwinds”

“I see. Erm, what exactly are ‘economic headwinds’ anyway?”

“Well let me make sure I’ve got this right. They’re challenges or obstacles that hinder economic growth, such as global uncertainty. Or something. That’s what they tell me to say anyway, those people at the Treasury. So you see, any Chancellor would be standing here now, saying the same thing, it’s not my fault”

“So what’s your message to the increasingly hard-pressed, demoralised, and angry citizens, the workers and entrepreneurs who make up alarm clock Britain?”

“My message is that somebody’s got to pay more so that the feckless on Benefits Street can lounge about watching ‘Homes Under the Hammer’, eating pizza, drinking and smoking, and having more kids. Somebody’s got to pay to fund all those billions we spend on illegal migrants, net zero projects and foreign aid. This is what our rabid back benchers want, so dig deep, shut the hell up and get on with it”

“Well thank you Chancellor. Perhaps we’ll be here having the same conversation this time next year. But more likely not… Anyway, for now, this is Ron Knee, for IsAC, returning you to the studio”

the sun

Nominated by Ron Knee.