Christmas Number 1

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In times past, the festive chart topper was a part of the tapestry that was the Great British Christmas. The Beatles had at least four Christmas No.1s. Then there was, of course, Slade. With a real record that people actually bought in their millions.

Some of them were good. But some have been awful (Long Haired Lover From Liverpool, Save Your Love, There’s No One Quite Like Grandma, Sir Clfford of Richard). While some were totally unexpected and bizarre (Bohemian Rhapsody, Another Brick In The Wall Part II).But, it was always part of the fun and all that.

But now? The bad has taken over permanently. That weirdo cunt Cowell started it with his X-Factor shite. Cynically and ruthlessly pursuing the festive top spot every bloody year. And, naturally, the stupid and tone deaf chav hordes lapped it up.

Not to mention crap like Ladbaby (for the name alone, they deserve to roast in Hell), the unfortunately ubiquitous Ed Sheercunt, and even a poofy old Wham! single can get to the top of the Xmas summit without a single record or CD being sold. The singles chart is now worthless, and as crass and as vulgar as everything else these days.

However, things could reach a new low this year. Worse than Sheercunt, and even worse than Cowell’s freaks and bastard Ladbaby. But… But what could be worse than those cunts?

I shall tell you…. Denise Welch.

The infamous (very) Loose Women ‘star’ and well known super bike is aiming for the Christmas No.1 this year. No, I am not joking.

Ye Auld Slappeur has done an ear splitting ditty called ‘Slayyy Bells’. OK, that Carey woman is annoying at this time of year, but at least she was (notice I said was) nice to look at. But this old trollop? Is Denise Welch in red rubber supposed to be sexy? She’s about as sexy as Angela Rayner on a bad night.

As I mentioned, it was always a mix of the good, the bad and the ugly. But, this is what it has come to. This is the modern British Christmas in all its crass, tasteless and vomit inducing glory.

Official Charts.

Nominated by : Norman

61 thoughts on “Christmas Number 1”

  1. That old spunk bucket Denise Welch.
    Utter disgrace.

    Cuckold Tim Healy should of strangled her with a bootlace years ago.

    The old bags a complete car crash
    Shudder

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  2. lndeed MNC.. I would like to take Denise Welch dogging . But i bet Tim Healy would insist he lay concealed in the boot wanking .

    On the subject of bad Christmas songs
    Wonder Christmastime by Paul McCuntney is God fuckin awful

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    • Merry Christmas Fenton🌲
      Denise should be put into care.

      The elderly should have more dignity not tottering about on high heels and a mini skirt showing off her wizened clopper.

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    • The Macca one is shit. Sounds like a Frank Sidebottom piss take.

      And Lennon’s wasn’t much better. The Yellow Beatle Eater Yoko Fucking Ono squawking like a banshee.

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  3. I’m dreaming of a white Xmas.
    But that can never be.
    Merry Xmas, Irving. Merry Xmas Admins. And merry Xmas to all you cunters out there.
    May the Yuletide logs of every cunt slip from their fire and burn their fucking house down – with them in it.
    🔥

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    • I was rather hoping that cunts who put decorations up in their kitchens ( why? ) find out that inflammable items dangling from the ceilings and windows have to be the most stupid idea ever, second only to leaving their made-in- China lights switched on when they go to bed.

      I’m looking forward to the ” family left homeless after fire ” headlines, but then I am identifying as a Grinch whatever Sainsbury’s say!

      All the best, folks.

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  4. She’d make the ideal matriarch for my love dungeon.
    She’d keep all the guests in line and still be up for enthusiastically joining up with all the sinister fun and games.

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  5. The only Christmas record I can bear to listen to without intense irritation is Chris Rea’s ‘Driving Home for Christmas’; its cheery optimism always gives me a lift for some reason. Sadly of course, there’s not likely to be much cheer in the Rea household this morning.

    The rest could be slung on a bonfire as far as I’m concerned. They’ve been done to death.

    Morning all.

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  6. We need to get back to the old blues shouters of the 1920s and 1930s – Dave Cornball Lammy singing wistfully “Please Don’t Whip My Ass, Boss”, or the sheer wanton beauty of Big Mama Thornberry with her “Empty Knickers Blues” a reminder of great old Bessie Smith and her Empty Bed Blues

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  7. Fairy Tale of New York.

    The only xmas song anyone needs.

    Bleak, tormented tale of two joyless losers tied to each other and fearful of the future.

    The true spirit of xmas.

    Now get drunk.

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    • The woman in that song uses the – correctly spelled. tho – word ‘faggut’.

      It’s a wonder the felch-gargling jizz-farter brigade didn’t kick up a fuss.

      Merry Cretinfest.

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      • Autocorrect!!!!!!

        I did, of course, type ‘homosexual gentlemen’ , & ‘christmas’ for the above.

        I swear.

      • The Pogues track is hilarious. The radio cunts allow Shane to say ‘You’re an old slut on junk’.

        Yet Kirsty can’t say ‘Phaggot’.

        Misogyny is allowed. Yet we mustn’t offend the spunk garglers and doughnut punchers, must we?

  8. Denise Welch’s cousin was in my class at school.
    His dad owned Welch’s sweet factory in North Shields.

    Even back then he used to say his cousin Denise loved to suck a gobstopper.

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  10. Can’t understand why Alex Harvey never got a Christmas number 1…. especially with ‘ain’t nothing like a gang bang to wash the blues away’ 🎵….fuck today’s excuse for musak that’s all it is an excuse 😖…merry humbug

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  11. Never mind pigs in blankets, I think Simon Cowell is a cunt in velvet, what an absolute bastard he is.
    YouTube is full of videos, of his pathetic, fake “auditions ”
    I hope this Christmas he buys a bike or motor vehicle for someone who is dear to him, and they crash and die the first time they use it.
    But I doubt he cares about anyone else, just himself, and the next tv appearance he can worm his way onto.

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    • See my post above. Hopefully it was Cowell’s house ablaze this morning.

      Bonus laughs if the cunt ran back into the inferno to rescue several hard drives and had his face melted like that Nazi out of Raiders of the lost ark.

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  12. My favourite Xmas number 1 was the song by the god fearing shit stabber Sir Cliff Richard’s.
    Cameltoe and wine.
    I find it ironic he sang about cameltoes, when he likes going round other blokes arses.

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  13. All I do know is that cowell is a number one cunt and yes, I’ve never heard the big headed cunt speak. All I know is the fucking cunt had lots of surgery done to his noggin. I’d like to pretend that I could improve his looks and have a beehive fitted whilst under sedation. Then I would laugh my head off.

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    • Cowell and his sort are part of the problem.
      They sell the myth, anybody can be a popstar, and silly cunts with empty heads buy it.
      The shit in the music charts now is depressing.
      In my opinion, we certainly had the best of it musically when growing up.

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      • What the big headed cunt doesn’t realise is all the hearts he’s broken. I know it won’t bother the twat, but I hope one day that one of the disappointed would murder the bastard.

    • My favourite Christmas number one is Mull of Kintyre,
      And im not repentant in the slightest.
      Scouse miser McCartney and his fussy eater wife,
      Bagpipes,
      Bliss.

      My least favourite is that hamster faced Maria Carey.
      It makes me want to do a school shooting spree.
      Awful!
      The pits. 🖕

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      • Best Christmas No,? Slade, obviously.
        Also Bohemian Rhapsody, for all its grandiose pomposity.

        A 1990 Mariah Carey would have got it though.

    • The can of worms that will be opened when Cowell finally does cop it.

      Paid his mate Jonathan King’s bail, after King was caught Joe Roncing. Say no more. The thin end of a huge fuck off wedgie.

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  14. Perry Como was the top telly cunt when it Christmas entertainers. Dodgy jumpers, sleigh bells jingling and lots of pretty girls. Or was that Val Doonican? You know, the one with the dodgy jumpers, sleigh bells jingling and lots of pretty girls. Brilliant.

    Nowadays you get some smug cunt off Pointless wearing tinsel. Fuck off.

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    • The Boggs Pornographic TV Xmas spectacular would feature lots of crumpet jiggling. Fun for all the family – Lisa Nandy and co leading you in nipple tassle twirling, Dirty Ange showing how far she could open her legs, Mandy and Wes getting quare bashed amd Kweer and Mandy as the Two Ronnies (in drag). Plus a preview of our dirty panto (and forthcoming golden showers film) Piss In Boots. Fuck Perry Como.

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      • You should sign up Denise Welch for your next production, WC. She’s such an accomplished actress.

        She’s currently playing to a packed telephone kiosk every night at the Ashington Alhambra, where people come from miles around to admire her Fanny by Gaslight.

        A shoo in for the starring role in ‘The Bonnie Blue Story’.

  15. Pleased that clap machine slagbag Welch didn’t get near the festive top spot.
    At least Kylie is still nice to look at. Still would.

    Oh, and by the way, fuck Gen-Z, fuck Queen Victoria and Charles Dickens, and fuck Mariah Carey (and I would have done in 1994). Christmas was invented in the 1970s and everything there was definitive, Fact, end of.

    Top of the Pops straight before The Queen. With proper cheesy DJs and proper groups. Not brain dead bimbos and loud ‘ebullient’ dark cunts as presenters, and crap like rap shite and Ed Sheercunt. The lovely Legs and Co were also a huge bonus to a young lad with an itchy John Thomas and left wrist.

    James Bond and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang guaranteed. Also The Great Escape and a couple of Carry On films.

    30 (Thirty!) million viewers (no downloads, no streaming, no catch up) for Eric and Ernie’s Christmas show. Suck on that. Strictly Cunt Dancing and DeadEnders.

    Slade and Wizzard on constant radio rotation.

    Huge fuck off snare drum sized tins of Quality Street and Roses. A far cry from the expensive miniscule plastic abominations of today.

    Tank tops instead of Top Trumps from your dyslexic auntie. And; Ker Plunk from your nana, who still thinks your six years old. Regardless of your bumfluff and wanking addiction.

    Snow, bloody snow everywhere. Global warming? We wished. Lovely proper orange panelled footballs. With our kid in the red Admiral United kit and me in the white one. Playing football in three feet of snow. Great. Genuinely great.

    Everyone had turkey. Usually a big bastard massive one. No vegan option or pumpkin and spinach, quorn or tofu cat shit. No whining cunt of a relative who bleats ‘I can’t eat this. I’m intolerant to that.’ Fuck off and expire.

    Proper stars on proper telly. Tommy Cooper, Kenny Everett, Stanley Baxter. the Two Ronnies, Lulu, Mike Yarwood, The Goodies. Now, it’s just an Irish drag act and his vile family or the grotesque Masked Singer.

    Real booze ups with the neighbours. Watneys Party Sevens and Boddingtons for the lads, and Warnink’s Advocaat for the ladies. Also, an avalanche of community grub. Butties, vol au vents, sausage rolls, mince pies, cheese and pineapple on sticks. The business.

    Boxing Day football, three o clock on the dot. Skyjacking was something Arafat did in those days.

    And, finally, the mad fucker at the end of the street. Who’d get pissed on New Year’s Eve, and run around the avenue with his Bernie Clifton style Ostrich prop.

    It doesn’t hold a candle today. Happy Christmas to all fellow cunters. Cheers.🎄🍷👍

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  20. One I really loathe is that dirge by those tuneless fuckers East I7.

    It is not – repeat not – a Christmas song.

    ‘But… But it was Christmas Number One.’

    So was Pink Floyd, Queen, The Spice Girls and Jimmy bastard Osmond. And, they weren’t Christmas songs either.

    Yet that East 17 shite gets played every year.

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    • Brain Harvey managed to run over his own head with his own car with no discernable damage to either party.

      Just think about that for a second and then laugh along with me. 😂

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  22. Last Christmas by Wham (whammers) takes on a whole different level of meaning when understood in the context of Georgie boy’s alternative lifestyle.

    “A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
    A man under cover, but you tore me apart”

    I’ll bet they did, George!

    Doity fecker

    merry Christmas to one and all

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    • Hear hear MBE fagotty bastard hypocrite. The video of that song is spew making. The dude was an arse pirate and proud of his bumfoolery. Must have been sweating like a paki rapist having to sit next to women

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    • I remember when Wham! was on the radio, Christmas 1984.
      And a mate of mine prophetically sang to it…

      ‘Last Christmas, I gave you my arse.’

      Maybe it was the Hampstead Heath Mix.🤣

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  26. John Robertson is dead.

    Saw him when United played Forest. What a player.
    Forest had John, we had Bryan Robson. Two midfield artists when the game was great.

    RIP John.

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    • @norm…when Scotland had great proper players..law,bremner,dalglish, Johnstone,lorimerMcNeil,hay,souness,miller,gemmill, Baxter,Lennox etc,etc…saw Robertson on a number of occasions and you’d have thought he was a factory player to look at him…but he was a 🪄

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