Now lets go back in history, IZAL! remember that stuff, the hygienic toilet paper that could be used as tracing paper and did not wipe off, more smeared around.
Child hood memory’s of an itchy bum crack and a massive stripe in your undercrackers!
Now todays offering, well its soft, I will give it that, but I decided to take a bit home for comparison.
It is about the size of a fucking postage stamp! 2/3 of the size of a standard arse wipe, someone’s fucking great cost saving idea, probably un aware that you now need twice as much and some cunts have been using hand towels instead that are blocking the toilet.
Fuck sake what next?
Nominated by Lord Benny.
There are plenty of things to get nostalgic about but IZAL toilet paper isn’t one of them.
11
not nostalgia, more the fact I find that the company toilet paper at work is the size of a fucking stamp, the “Now wash your hands” sign is there for a very good reason
2
It is if you were at school and needed to copy a map out. I was sent off to boarding school (they filmed If at my school, it wasn’t all fantasy) and always took a couple of rolls of soft toilet paper with me. My mates use to find it and Nick it.
1
Whichever hotel you stay in always has cheap dingle ply toilet paper, so I still take Cushelle Quilted with me when I am travelling,
1
As “The Great Replacement” kicks in you will probably not be able to buy any bog roll of any sort.
Supermarkets will phase it out, along with soap and deodorants.
The British are wierd about their shit paper.
I don’t think that there was another country in Europe that had a shortage of the stuff during COVID, with people panic buying.
But even so, the British are filthy arsed bastards.
Thinking they can keep clean with bits of paper.
If you have room then get a bidet.
If you haven’t, then take a shower after your shit.
Good morning everyone!
5
A shower everytime i do do-do?!!
Fuckin ell im not the Man from atlantis.
Paper is perfectly suitable.
Leaves if alfresco.
13
Mrs Cunter used to sell houses over here MNC.
When showing new builds to British people they would always say, “Can you ask the builder to take THAT out!”, pointing to the bidet with a disgusted look on their faces.
You smelly cunts!
You think that you have a rose garden growing down there?
Dreadful.
6
Bidets? Strange foreign contraptions. The fact they have a French name tells you everything. No word for the device in English and I love it when I hear a Brit pronounce it “bid-it”. Back in1971 I used to do calls at the Royal Radar Establishment in Malvern. In the bogs they had shiny toilet paper which had printed on every single sheet the logo; “Government Property”. I once saw a dispenser in a corporate building where large rolls were installed on end in the box and the paper was pulled out from the centre of the roll through a hole underneath. This meant you received a tightly wound spiral string of paper. Baffled me. Similarly a common and infuriating fault is when you tear off the paper but instead of tearing across it splits down it’s length giving you two useless narrow strips.
2
now to go off subject, but stay on yours.
Yugoslavia had standard institutions from the borders with Austria to Greece.
one standard item was the squat toilet, yes two footprints and a hole to shit in.
Yugoslavia was a multi ethnic society with its own muslim population, as such (much like yourself) they are a bunch of washers not wipers (Nicknamed guzo prow (phonetically changed so you can pronounce it, but arse washers)).
any way those fuckers would go for a shit with a little bottle to wash their arses, after that they would place said little bottle on the partition wall and leave it there.
well these bottles would invariably fall off and roll down the shit hole and block it, whoever was on toilet fatigues would end up having to remove the bottle and the pile of shit on top of it.
As you can imagine this bred a degree of resentment.
The toilet cleaner used in that neck of the woods is hydrochloric acid, odourless and clear.
It became customary, on discovery of said bottle on the partition wall to empty it of H2o and refill it with acid 😉
That my friend is why on the break up of the country some of the most brutal fighting took place on the territory of BiH all about vengeance for burnt bottoms and blocked toilets
so you going to wash your butt now?
3
I wipe my arse on the Grauniad.
Toilet paper is for puffs.
8
Swans are much better!
2
A goose’s neck is apparently THE thing to wipe your arse with.
At least it was in the middle ages. Before bog roll or the Guardian were invented.
4
sorry, I have had a few run ins with said water fowl and the idea of letting my bollocks swing near their beaks sounds fucking suicidal to me.
0
In deference to Jill’s sensibilities, I quit importing the bog roll made from pandas ears several months ago.
Sourced a new poor-cousin substitution effort from the southern hemisphere made from koala ears instead.
It can be a liitle bit not as soft but nobody can say I don’t make sacrifices to keep things harmonious here.
3
Hey Cuntemall, did you know that most koalas carry the herpes virus?
Just saying.
3
Farmed in isolation just for the ears & tails, Geordie. (The little tails go to make their cut price brand, I believe). 100% clear of any no-no’s. It’s why you’re looking at 30 quid a roll but some things y’ can’t scrimp on.
Similarly, I could get my bottled orphans-tears (the perfect caviar condiment)from Russia at a fraction the price I get them from non-communist based orphanages, for example, but again, .. you’ve got to look after number one from time to time.
That only leaves one question in the air for me.
How did YOU know about the koala-herpes connection? 😋
3
My father used to regale us with how he had to wipe his arse with The Western Mail in the outhouse. My grandmother was a Victorian Dad type, born in 1890 to boot, who steadfastly refused to have ‘mod cons’ conversions.
We all know who doesn’t like toilet paper. The ones who made all the NOvid ‘masks’ in sweatshops where they were wiping their arse after shits with their bare hand before getting back to making the little blue cloth comfort blanketers that the gullible here couldn’t wait to plaster on their face and breath in all day.
6
Wiping one’s arse with old newspaper was very common practice in the ’50s. I don’t think people considered the fact you got a black arse from the newsprint. You would hear folks say of a newspaper they didn’t like that it was fit only for hanging on the lavatory door.
3
it is still going on in parts of Russia and the Balkans, the most important thing is when you are tearing the newspaper to size is to exclude any pictures of political dignitaries or national treasure, because if you get caught wiping your arse on one of them you will get in serious trouble!
1
Now a thing I find interesting, is that a certain group of people like to wash their bottoms with their left hand as part of their religious practice, claiming wiping is dirty.
So I have spent a reasonable amount of time is desserts and I can tell you there is no running water, after fuel the most precious resource you have is water, you don’t waste it!
it is standard practice to grab a handful of sand (there are no leaves) and rub that around the orifice like spill sorb.
when I explain that to deviants in the west (as they waffle on about the peacefulness of their faith) they seem shocked, but they do get a glimmer of understanding why the left hand is considered dirty.
This talies with the right hand amputation thing, because out there you will be eating shit for the rest of your life 😉
2
Wet wipes are good.
I like to shut my eyes and Imagine its Angela Rayners moist tongue brushing my balloon knot.
But only use them at other peoples houses as it blocks up the plumbing and sewage.
6
Dont use the brand “Big wet wipes 4×4” one of my customers had his site toilet robbed during Covid and thought he would try them, the label says “Gentle on skin” but by all accounts its like smearing tobbasco on your ring piece
3
When I was a site manager my colleague made the same mistake and said he had an adae like the Japanese flag
1
ARSE
0
FECK
2
Wet arse-wipes. The manufacturers claim they are flushable. The water companies insist that they are not.
Is anyone else irritated by this Americanism of calling a room containing only lavatories and wash basins a “bathroom”?
0
“Wet arse-wipes. The manufacturers claim they are flushable. The water companies insist that they are not.”
I fell foul of flushable toilet wipes, My wife has a little lady box in the bathroom full of special lady things and I found a packet of flushable toilet wipes on top of it and thought I would give them a try.
I developed a very sore ring piece around that time and thought it may be a side effect of the new medication, however on closer inspection “Flushable toilet wipes” are not for wiping your arse but for cleaning the damm thing
2
The best you’re most likely to get out of IZAL, is to stick a finger through the middle of a sheet and poke it up and around your shitty arse, then wipe the finger clean when sliding it free of the paper. Voila !
5
Ideal for GERMans and their love of ‘kaviar’ trouser rummage material
2
you have me concerned, most toilet practices involve washing or wiping, you seem to indicate fingering your rectum as some part of the cleaning process?
Did you go to boarding school?
17
Lord benny. You’ve opened a can of worms.
1
I am not the one telling people on the world wide web that I stick my fingers up my arse😉
15
I personally have a rip snorter of a shite, removing the excess with top class soft paper, then do a more thorough job whilst straddling the bidet.
3
Bidets again.
Thats the spanish in you Sammy.
Ive never used a bidet in my life.
I have a karcher.
17
🤣🤣🤣
2
Your arse must be itching like fuck, Mis. Besides the short arses behind you in the queue for the doctors, will be fainting like flies.
2
By not washing your arse, Mis, that’s why you’ve developed the loss of the apostrophe disease.
2
If not seen to, you’ll be walking like a spaceman.
0
By using a karcher without the umlauts, you’re most likely to cause an air bubble. In which case your arse will explode.
.
1
My karcher didnt come with umlauts Sammy.
They must still be in the box.
3
Toilet paper….waste of money imo I just pull up my under crackers and go out into the wide world knowing I will now fit in with most of the UK population now consisting of a multitude of 💩… ‘excuse me is that the latest eau de cack your carrying’ 🩲
4
You’re most likely to end up with a megasorearse if left unclean, Gelderd-ender.
2
I use ISIS toilet paper, I always go off with a bang.
2
Is there anything more satisfying than having a big greasy shit?
Highlight of my day.
I once dropped a log that was the absolute spitting image of Whitney Houston.
Sure it blinked in the bowl.
I considered fishing it out and seeing if I could sell it to ‘Ripleys believe it or not’_or Guiness book of records.
3
And you are now banned from every Victorian Plumbing outlet in the UK.
2
Courtesy of Viz.
Shoebox Special……..
A shit so big and impressive that you put it in a shoe box to take to work and show your friends.
2
Randy’d need a shoebox crate & a forktruck…
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LD0k7cnj384&pp=ygUTc3RhbiBtYXJzaCBiaWcgcG9vcA%3D%3D
‘hot hot hothothot hot hot’ 😄
1
The Lib Dems don’t need bog roll, they have their beards.
Good morning, everyone.
3
When we were house hunting and we viewed what is now our house, I became desperate for a crap. I couldn’t go to the toilet because the house was empty and the water was turned off. I couldn’t use a local pub or cafe because it was a Bank Holiday afternoon and they were all closed. In desperation I had to dump it in the garden and drag my arse across the lawn like a dog with itchy anal glands. I only hope the neighbours weren’t watching.
So out of embarrassment we felt obliged to buy the house.
My God, that was an expensive shit.
6
One could always have a vertebrae removed and lick your own arse clean. Then suck yourself off as a bonus.
1
Jill Coopers death has left an opening in the market for a certain type of prose.
There’s money to be made Sammy, … you should maybe give her agent a buzz.
5
I managed to bake a fairly large cable one lazy afternoon. I had to use a junior hacksaw on it to get it flushed.
3
Otherwise known as a Man ‘o’ War, Sammy.
3
”I tell ya, when that gets out into the channel it’s going to be a danger to shipping” …
– Mr. Edward Hitler, 1993.
(E.H. was also referred to as ‘Chernobyl Anus’ by his flatmate, which is the second best nickname I’ve ever heard anywhere).
2
Starmer the arse wipe would not just make the situation worse but also cover you in foreign shit, the label would say if you object you’re racist.
4
Major, I’d make WanKeir use a Brillo Pad.
2
I can imagine he does that anyway Sammy, he’s that sort of cunt.
1
I resigned from my last job immediately after they “upgraded” the toilet roll to some sort of dispenser that only doled out one sheet at a time.
Sometimes a gentleman has to make a stand.
The costcutting cunts.
Good morning.
6
My policy was to avoid working for companies that used Lotus Notes as their email client. Electronic toilet paper it was.
1
I’ve seen those Unk, where they have some kind of timer and you have to wait several seconds before it will dispense another sheet. I used to visit a data centre in Islington, a new building in which there was a loo where the light switch was on a timer outside the door. Gives a new meaning to the expression “tight-arse”. I was pleased to see one day it had been vandalised.
1
Remember, you poor sods in wheelchairs who visit the disabled shithouses, must take note that we able bodied use the handbasin to wash our shitty arseholes besides our prick and balls.
1
On the subject of 💩….I see Katanga Henry is apparently bleating about reparations again in his new book ….ideal arse wipe material for sure 📖…kiss my white hole bwana 😘
2
I remember my father used to rip up the newspapers into squares and hang them on a string on the back door of the outside loo..
3
I think the Quran deserves a nom on ISaC and here it is!
3
The koran
4
…is useless as arse wipe, the pages are already covered with shit.
5
It makes a better firelighter.
4
Top Tip;
Cut sheets of ‘The Guardian’ into quarters for really good arsewipe.
Morning all.
4
Reminds me of the old days, Major. The brick shithouses with cutup newspaper. It also wouldn’t take your long to find a spelling mistake to wipe your arse on.
2
I worked in Ghana for a while and was surprised to find they had flush toilets, if it had rained recently. You were discouraged from flushing arse wipe down the shitter, looked bad in the open sewer and not good for the chickens.
The crapper had a cardboard box on each side, one for clean bits of newspaper (if you were lucky) and one for used.
Foretold is forewarned, I took a good supply of Sainsbury’s quilted with me.
3
I remember reading about some lard arse woman that used the flush lever on one of them vacuum toilets on a ferrry somewhere, issue was she was still sitting on it at the time.
3
Shame Dave Lammy hasn’t got one in his house, the fat baboon bastard!
3
This bog business reminds me to tell you if you’ve had a house break in recently, remember to throw away your toothbrushes.
3
and if you are on exercise, keep it in your pocket😉
2
Top tip
For you spanish types,
A water pistol makes a brilliant portable bidet.
And you can get family members to play Dirty Harry an take aim at your shitty arse.
Fun for all the family
3
Maybe they could reinvent the enema Mis?
2
The bum hole washer is French, Mis.
1
I want to make up Mis, with the hands, knees and boomps a daisy, song.
1
I remember talk of the Chinese ‘Arse Wipe.’ A piece of toilet paper with a finger sized hole in the middle.
1
Remember folks always clean your arse and ears, due to both being the anagram of each other.
1
Have you noticed, the yanks never refer to going to the lavatory or toilet. They only mention going to the bathroom. The dirty bastards.
1
I should have known better;
Casting aside the English thick cut marmalade and toast, today I shall be sophisticated, “a la continant” “Warm chocolate filled croissants for breakfast, lovely. Now what’s on ISaC?”……..
Well that was short lived,. It’s back to marmalade and the birds outside are eating French pastry and chocolate.
3
Come and join us, Triton. We’re all on a shit festival. What’s left will be smeared on the cell walls.
1
Artwork known as Picarsos.
1
Chocolate is poisonous to birds, Triton. And practically all wildlife.
It’s because of ‘theobromine and caffeine’, the google sez. And the darker the hue the worse it is. (!)
Even to humans in large enough quantities… but they can make their own informed choices.
1
You are of course quite right C.Mall. I have to admit to a degree of “artistic licence” in that pos. Up here on this lonely island, rocky outpost of the British Empire that it is, it is porridge that breaks the fast.
“With salt?”
“Are you joking?”
1
Talking of something that is on toilet paper.
This race bating twat is at it, I’d repatriate every last black back to fucking Africa, that’s proper reperations..!
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2025/10/07/sir-lenny-henry-black-british-people-slavery-reparations/
Likewise with every other cunt who does not belong and should not be allowed to stay any longer in GB.
1
Reparations, compo, call it what you like, should only, if ever, be paid to the people DIRECTLY affected. Not to a bunch of sponging, grifting umpteen next generation malcontents.
“reparations” are meant to help put things back as they once were; and that means us having our railways back and you living in a mud hut.
L.Henry just another of the gifts the BBC have brought you.
0