Fruit flies are a right fucking pain.
I don’t know whether it’s down to there having been a prolonged spell of hot, humid weather or what, but there seems to be a load of the things about.
I’ve been trapping them, spraying them and squashing them. I’ve even developed a Bruce Lee like ability to swat them out of the air. But no matter how many you despatch to the great rotting apple in the sky, go back into the kitchen after ten minutes or so and another load will have appeared from somewhere.
They’ve fair got my blood lust up, and I loathe the pestilential little cunts with a vengeance. You’re dead I tell you, you bastards. Dead.
Nominated by Ron Knee link by Jeezum Priest.
70 yr old nun has a itchy fanny
she is experiencing some discomfort. When she explains what’s going on, the gynecologist runs some tests. Later he came back into the room and told the nun that her tests are positive for crabs. “That’s impossible, my body hasn’t been touched by anyone.” She says to him. So she leaves to go get a second opinion. At the next gynecologist, she explains her issues and has more tests done. The Dr. comes back to the room only to say the same thing. “Ma’am I’m afraid you have crabs.” He said. “Both you and the last Dr. are a bunch of quacks. I am a virgin. I’m going to see a specialist!” She says as she darts out of the room. She goes to the most recommended gynecologist around. She explains to him her experiences and the dr. Said to her that he would get to the bottom of the problem. He runs some tests and comes back to the room to see his patient. “Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is you don’t have crabs. But I’m afraid that your cherry has expired and you have fruit flies.”
9
Best get your coat.
10
I will take those fruit flies over houseflies or blue bottles. Those cunts have a worse sense of direction than a dàrkìe on a country lane.
“See that open window or door fly out of it”
“No please keep flying into the closed one”
10
Bluebottles.
Apparently it’s taken nature fifty million years or something to evolve these cunts.
Something went wrong somewhere if you ask me Barry. What a total waste of effort.
4
Bluebottles….
The cheaper fly sprays – Sanex and Tox – work better than the overpriced Raid.
But – for extra bluey exterminating glee – a bit of WD40. Nerve gas for the little fuckers. A spray of WD and they spaz about like they are breakdancing and make a noise like an electric shaver throwing a fit..🪰🪦☠️
2
The trick to not having fruit flies is living on a remote island where the wind rarely drops below 30 knots, and following a strict Scottish diet, not having any fruit in the house.
Mind you, I would take fruit flies iver the hoards of midgies that appear when the wind does drop.
9
Midges are the best reason imaginable for avoiding parts of Scotland at certain times of the year.
Scotland’s answer to the tsetse fly.
5
That’s odd. I thought Krankie McSturgeon was the best reason for avoiding Scotland at any time of year.
8
Brundlefly would’ve looked cooler if, when Seth Brundle went through the teleporter pods, instead of a housefly, he’d been merged with one of those iridescent green dogshit flies.
He’d have had a green carapace and smelled like the Mayor of London.
10
I watched a programme about Africa.
When they have a plague of flies they go out with nets and catch as many as they can.
They then squash them into burger shapes and cook them.
Then they eat them.
The dirty fucking cunts.
All travel shows about Thailand will show the presenter buying a bag of various insects from the outside markets.
The fuckers are still alive when the presenters eat them and tell you how good they taste.
Well they can fuck off too.
7
Are you sure it wasn’t a documentary about Birmingham TAC?
Or London..
Or Bradford..
And so on,most unfortunately.
Good morning sir.
3
Indeed they are a plague.
Grudgingly I’ve taken to drinking plenty of red wine.
I leave a bit in the bottom of the glass in the kitchen and come morning the little cunts have drank themselves to death.
There does seem to be a never-ending amount of the buggers,just like pakis.
Dear me.
Good morning.
6
They only affect posh people, chavs have no idea what fruit is.
7
Talking about fruity things..!
BBC News – Mandelson called Epstein ‘best pal’ in birthday message
https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cwy9dwe50leo
6
They appear to be all year round these days…. alternative name of dinghy dung 😩…🪰🪰🪰🪰🪰🪰🪰🪰🪰🪰🪰🪰🪰🪰🪰🪰🪰🪰🪰🪰🪰🪰🪰🪰🪰🪰🪰🪰
4
Have the number of fruit flies increased in proportion the numbers of third world shit that has invaded our lands, remove the shit the flies will follow.
All cunts
5
You were just ahead of me Sick.
Indeed.
4
Not unsurprising really as the UK turns itself into a Middle Eastern style fly blown shit hole.
4
Gentleman. I present to you the answer to your fruit fly related prayers.
Bug-A-Salt UK https://share.google/rjwMG5oMLqAU2wD60
3
The extra flies are needed to crawl over immigrants faces, then they can claim charity money to have them removed.
4
Fruit flies are easily defeated 😁
Paint any surface with a gloss paint (oil based) and it works like fly paper, the little cunts are magnetically drawn to the freshly painted service 😒
4
fuck sake surface!
eyes
keyboard
drugs
Jesus my life is fucked, you know I used to drive Chieftain’s, fuck knows what would happen if I got into one now😒
5
Has anyone noticed how they seem to hover round your face?
Do I smell like an overipe banana, or are they hinting I’m some other kind of fruit?
4
I bought one of these from Amazon:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/STV-International-Insects-Mosquitos-Suitable/dp/B002HMTVKY/ref=sr_1_8?crid=2U768S3AWL0GQ&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.B06V-n4l5TBimfbGlxpAlE5CSfGor39-mXYsSKdrDrYsQgTeR76JMS_vl3qDLx7jeIYoKVMpRj97AqHf6xtYZxqbn7FLsXMb8HDTJ-YDVydW0rHNHpJKex9_DL4R30mA_aPfQP62bbSpmIP3EO8P2S5vfXqC3R2_vUG_DSM7MngU3zM6r98WMjqcO6qjbTQkmpDUv4-jvRRK77E0BZ659sbIUad5ghgFVjiLefn_686FBU_vt8LpeAnaipv6AbDuFxo5DXBzcpSTMudR0vcPrqh8yOmP4oebYIXrCJ5UPFE.Ssj08eETm77qEVa37SR9cStWxLYTzvR8GYXfE0MhaR4&dib_tag=se&keywords=bug%2Bbat%2Bzapper&qid=1757405854&sprefix=bug%2Bbat%2Caps%2C85&sr=8-8&th=1
An impressive bit of kit. It takes two AA cells (3V total) but has a small transformer inside that raises the PD to 4000 volts.
I have cooked fruit flies, shit flies, horse flies, wasps and even one giant fuck-off hornet. That cunt barbequed itself nicely, no mistake. They first go with a crackle and a flash of blue light. If you hold the power button on whilst they struggle, it ends up a cut price Pure Cremation.
Well worth the money and great fun to boot!
5
I got one of those for my 50th, I snaped the head of and turned it into a low voltage tazer, it was a bit shit😢
Mind you it was a bit shit as a birthday present too.
Fortunately my parents have now passed, so the era of crap presents is over👍
3
Coincidentally I would like to have spanked Steffi Grafs arse with that contraption in 1986..
And Gabriella Sabatini as well.
Thank you.
6
Looks like it might add a bit of a zap to the fun Unk.
Put me down for Salma Hayek, Juliet Hartley-Brewer, Susanna Reid and Pamela Anderson. I could die a happy man.
Yummy scrumptious!
3
Chris Evert in the 70s.😍
1
Me?
Scarlett Johansson, Sydney Sweeney, Gina Carano, Christina Hendricks,.
Well, for a start…
2
I’m pleased to say that the temperature’s dropped and the little bastards seem to have disappeared.
Strangely, I’m missing the sport they provided though.
Morning all.
5
I must qualify for of the tinest forms of bloodsports Ron.
3
for one of, that is meant to be.
1
Indeed my lord.
The advantage however is that an enormous amount of gratification can obtained with virtually no mess.
4
The cunt who made heaven and earth is to blame on a rush job. Its not the insects to blame, its the blacks who caused them, the filthy bastards.
3
It seems they love pubs. My local is rife with them. They hang around the bar & the dirty glasses in the dishwasher tray. Must have an amazing sense of smell for their size.
3
I’ve found by keeping my house filthy, not even the flies would live here.
2
The ideal fruit fly trap…
Vinegar, a spoon of sugar and a blob or two of Fairy liquid.
The little bastards can’t resist it. They dive into it like mongs.
But, the Fairy liquid glues them in and the cunts drown.
When emptied, it looks like fruit fly genocide.
2
My old local chippy had one of those insect electrocutor things. State of the art , for what it was.
A pulsing buzzing alluring blue light. It lured the lot of them. Daddy Long Legs being spectacularly burned to a crisp. Bluebottles frazzled so much they’d explode. Moths crackling like fireworks. Bug Blitzkrieg.⚡⚡
3
Those electocutor things were fucking lethal, and quite spectacular in their way.
My worry with them was that you’d possibly end up with a free frazzle or two in with your fish and chips.
1