I’ve long been fascinated by the weird and wonderful vagaries that we humans can display when it comes to sexual activity and the pursuit of bodily pleasure. It’s led me to put the occasional posting on here under the heading ‘Bizarre Sex’.
Long time cunters may possibly recall the case of the Aussie couple who were found guilty in court for indulging in acts of bestiality with erm, a trout. Then there was the cunt from oop north who was done for trapping a seagull and then shoving his dick down its throat in a grotesque attempt at oral satisfaction. Or how about the ‘gentleman’ of a certain persuasion jailed for fucking his chickens, and the French ancient who was taken to hospital with an unexploded WWI shell stuck up his ringpiece?
Here’s another good ‘Bizarre Sex’ entry, from Russia this time. A young woman went to hospital complaining vaguely of anal pain and spasms. The onset of some rare and nasty disease, perhaps? Well no, not exactly; the cause, in fact, was easily found and remedied, it being a fucking monster of a cucumber which her boyfriend explained had got stuck up her jacksy during a bout of ‘extreme lovemaking’. As these things do. It could happen to anybody.
The one part of this mystery which remained unexplained to the doctors was why the end of the cucumber had been eaten, the couple having subsequently quit the hospital fast without providing any enlightenment on the matter. Let’s think now; how and why might this possibly have happened…?
Personally I remain puzzled as to what drives people to such extremes when it comes to pushing objects up their arses. A nice chunky butt plug I can definitely relate to, as this can really increase gratification. But huge things which could inflict some severe damage on the organ in question, and then prove very difficult to remove if stuck, are another kettle of fish altogether, and legends abound of anything from vacuum cleaner attachments to gerbils having been utilsed at one time or another. I even once heard of a supposed porn video where some slaphead oiled his head and shoved it up his girlfriends arse, but I reckon that this is probably an urban legend (unless cunters know differently).
But back to the monster cucumber. Talk about reckless stupidity;
Jesus H, the staff in A and E departments everywhere must see some real eye-openers during the course of the working week, the daft twats involved here being a case in point. It really does take all sorts, as the old saying goes, especially when a bit of bum fun’s being hankered after.
Nominated by Ron Knee
ISAC solicitors would like to clarify this nomination is definitely not about Richard Gere.
Thank you.
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Here’s an article written by the Health Secretary..
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rectal_foreign_body
Or it could just be the resignation letter of the former British Ambassador to the United States.
Hard to say in Modern Britain.
Good grief.
7
Speaking of Mandy, here’s a report about her favourite butt plug:
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2025/09/14/giant-pumpkin-weighs-three-baby-elephants-surrey/
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Doctor to blame for telling patient to go on cucumber diet.
4
Ahem, I’ll just keep shtum, I think…
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I don’t think we’ll bite you head off, Hugh.
5
She’s given birth to it and its being named after you, Hugh.
3
I’ll give yiz a punchline. Generate your own lead-up to it.
… and so the cowardly assassin’s ladyboy girlfriend(!) says to the s.p.c.a. inspector ‘if I’m not allowed stick a cat up there, how am I supposed to get the the gerbils out?’
7
If only I wasn’t at work, I have a piquant appetency toward this sort of flagitious yarn and could easily devote a good half-hour to this work of concupiscent nonsense.
5
Blimey, I thought Leonard Sachs died years ago.
5
Ha!
TtCE (in the green top) bumps into another cunterer, while out for a quiet pint with one of his work chums .
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UH7Aix_SSN8&pp=ygUfTWFuc3Ryb2tld29tYW4geW9iIGludGVsbGVjdHVhbA%3D%3D
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Indeed, Cuntemall…having to engage with lugubrious nincompoops on a daily basis and not being able to assail them with pernicious obloquys is a source of constant vexation.
2
This is not what it looks like. The smiling lady is simply happy because the other lady accidentally swallowed her bracelet and, eight hours later, it was retrievable:
https://share.google/gei4KZpmiT74w8Oyk
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I like to call it ‘Fist Aid.’
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Tickling the tonsils.
2
By the look of that cucumber, I’d suggest that they are the gnaw marks from a rodent involved somewhere in this bizarre act. That won’t be the first time that has happened either.
4
The old ladies ward at the same hospital have been complaining about the late arrival of their cucumber sandwiches. They’ve been told they’re on the way after arseholed up.
2
Sickos.🥒🥒🥒
2
Never mind, EW.
Here’s a gastrodelightful pic of a lady enjoying a delicious-looking strawberry jelly to put a smile on your face.
https://share.google/mBQMUycQbttg2VEPt
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Is this safe for Jeezum? Don’t such offerings usually append a trigger warning to save his palpitations?
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It is most certainly not safe for JP!
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😁👍
4
Now that the raddled old quare Mandy is out of public life, he will be continuing his little side hustle – advertising his collection of Blair’s used undercrackers – he has them all catalogued – Peachy pink posing pouch with slight stain on front panel £50 (postage and packing £10). Silk chemiknickers (white) with large brown stain on back panel £75 (postage and packing £15) – all items sent in a plain sealed envelope. It helps pay for the rent boys who perform acts of appalling depravity in the vicinity of his reamed old arsehole – God alone what has been up the Mandy anus in it’s 50 years of abuse. He advertises each month in the Butt Plug Enquirer. His final fate will probably be to be found dead, chained up to the lavatory with an enormous bicycle pump inserted into his back passage with an orange in his mouth and a metal pole in his urethra. A lightning bolt struck him, and they will never get the coffin lid down.
4
Oh no, what have you unleashed Ron 😂
3
It’s a funny old world Sick.
Thought arses make a bit of a change from cunts.
Afternoon all.
3
First carefully peel 3/4 of the length of a cucumber leaving enough unpeeled at one end as something to grip on to. Then place cucumber in a microwave for around 30 seconds.
This not only makes the cucumber floppy and flexible, but also nice and warm.
Just a tip for you fellow cunters.
I still have nice thoughts over that ex girlfriend from over 20 years ago even today.
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I trust she used sufficient lubricant when inserting the cucumber into you, cc? 😉
3
Ahhhh….thomas. Heres a lesson. If you microwave a peeled cucumber first the heat exudes its natural moisture so no additional lube needed.
Every days a school day
4
Thanks chuff.
I think we all have a friend who’ll be happy to learn of this fascinating tip and put it into practice.
4
I love September for being the only month in the calendar year without any annoying official events, except for my birthday, which I’ve already celebrated.
4
Loads of birthdays in september…..christmas babies.
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Dame Kweer’s birthday is on September 2nd. He was 63 this year – allegedly. He looks and sounds more like 83 – and the rest!
26
@wc…he looks and sounds like a cunt …and behold he is 👅
2
This is disgraceful.
Im a strict missionary man,
Lights off
Never on a sunday
And only for procreation.
I suspect our illustrious mr Knee has pierced nipples
And is a member of the rubber undercrackers club?
Well thats the sinful path into satans embrace.
Right im off to be rolled up in a carpet and be beaten with cricket bats off some £20 brasses.
The filthy bitches!!! 😁
5
One suspects you doth protest too much, MNC.
Especially after you sent me this safe pic of yourself last month when you were trying to score an invitational holiday to my love dungeon:
https://share.google/U9viddzvyoaEnuw0d
5
Sorry to disappoint Mis, but I’m not into piercing or rubber.
I’d better not go into any great detail about what I am into on here, because these days I might get a knock on the door from the scuffers who spend their time scouring the internet looking for offence.
5
Indeed they do sir.
Fuck them and fuck their “masters” in London.
1
Ps
Years ago me and a mate found another mates porn stash.
It was ever so peculiar!!!
Women getting dressed up in rubber,
Sort of rubber sleeping bags so they resembled giant caterpillars..
Weird as fuck.
Big inflatable heads,
Funny what can flip your trigger,
In every other way he was straightlaced.
The deviant.
3
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cx2r9y3kxy9o
What a multicultural organisation of sexuál miscreants.
3
Being a bit of a perv myself, when abandoned by my beloved whilst serving in Germany, I fell from the path of righteousness into the dens of inequity of Hamburg and and Hanover.
Fuck I saw some stuff, some of the Knocking shops did floor shows, the rooms would be divided, Germans on one side (just looking) Soldiers on the other (gaging for it and willing to pay).
Well on one particular night at Mai lins (Hamburg) I had booked and paid for a girl (all evening) but between shags she did a little show on stage, on one occasion she had a candle up her arse and she proceeded to pull a long chain of silk flowers out of her minge, now I had just been up her (and was quite pissed) and just sat there in stunned confusion as to whether they had been up her earlier?
The old whipped cream up the arse was quite messy and not so popular, but an unusual spectacle.
4
Fascinating stuff m’lud.
You should write a script and sell it to WC; it sounds just the kind of thing that his artistic film production unit is always on the lookout for.
3
well we would get pissed in bars outside the redlight district, and I remember one twat pulling and laughing at us saying he was getting his for free, he was back in the bar about 10 mins later, flushed from running, saying, “she’s got a cock!”. he then sort of realised what he said, and asked for a bit of understanding and secrecy.
Monday morning parade, squadron sgt major bellows out “Trooper xxxxxx, what’s this about your girlfriend having a cock?”.
Fucking classic, most of the regiment knew by the time we had signed back in to barracks 😁
4
I remember once breaking up a fight between 2 sisters.
They were proper going for it,
Pulling hair
Biting
Scratching etc
They were both goths.
Ive never been so turned on in my life.
You could of hammered in nails with my winky it was that hard.
You live and learn.
Nearly cum in my pants.
4
Now I know exactly where you’re coming from Mis (no pun intended), because I had a similar experience some years ago.
I was walking along the narrow close by Croft-An-Righ in Edinburgh, on my way into Holywood Park, and could hear the shrill sounds of schoolgirls coming from around the corner of the high wall. Rounding the corner, I was nonplussed to see a group of about 20 girls in school uniform, surrounding another two who were going at each other like a couple of fighting dogs; biting, kicking, tearing hair, scatching and spitting like fuck.
I stopped in a sort of shock, my initial reaction being to shout out ‘stop it for goodness sake!’, to be met by a barrage of ‘fuck off grandad!’ and ‘we’ll call the cops on ya, you perv!’ etc.
As I walked off I had to contend with a considerable amount of commotion in the trouser department, I must confess.
5
I’d like to see a sister fight between Abby and Brittany Hensel. That would be spellbinding!
1
Remember….something is only considered a perversion if one of you disagrees, otherwise between two consenting, then its normal.
5
Like krauts Bernd Brandes and Armin Meiwes?
🤣
(From the Wikpedia page detailing their night of consenting passion) :
quote
Brandes may already have been too weakened from blood loss to eat any of his own penis. Disappointed by this outcome, Brandes told Meiwes, “If I hold out until morning, we can still have my balls for breakfast. You get one, I get one”
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Armin_Meiwes
***
Wouldn’t mind ; I only went to get a link to the (different)fellow nailing his testicles to a table – using 6 inch nails – for his dates gratification.
I recall a friend reading aloud about it from the early 2000’s magazine ‘Bizarre’.
‘Surely it was just (just!) through the loose skin of his sack?, someone interjected… ‘Nope. Straight through the fuckin’ spuds themselves’ 😳
3
stapling your ballbag to the bar in The Trafalgar (Aldershot) was considered normal.
0
There was some bunch of pervs in the late 90s who used to meet at a farm in Evesham* and do this sort of thing to each other. Inspector Knacker got to hear of it and they got prosecuted for GBH. Appealed saying it was consensual but didn’t cut any ice with the judges. The moral of this story would seem to be it is a perversion if the state says it is.
*In Worcestershire, don’t know if any bike sheds were involved.
0
Thinking of this, aged 17 (I was 18) my girlfriend read a book, “The sex letters of forum”.
Any way, Forum is an American jiz mag and things are very different there, she got a bit fixated on one story “peppermint sex” which probably involved something like a minto.
Well whilst walking on heathland she decided it might be high time to explore this fantasy with a packet of Trebor extra strong mints, a few were inserted and I had to find them, all I can say was she became very wet and walked off the heath like John Wayne.
Lesson learnt
3
Well, as you know,
Trebor mints are a minty bit stronger ‘.
0
I lost my cherry on a railway embankment just behind Angela Rayners childhood home.
I sneaked onto British Rail property a boy and swaggered off a man😉
This is for Angie who could of joined in if shed been around…
https://youtu.be/LLSAGnHNqGc?si=DTh_I8BwlVKM2OI-
0
I remember one tart on the Reeperbahn that used to fucking scare me more than the RSM.
She had her black hair pulled up like a palm tree, full on latex cat suit, chains and a fucking ridding crop.
All the other girls would tap their windows and call you over, she just stood their and scowled at everyone.
Somehow I think she liked to kick the shit out of men, fucking scared me!
Then was the girls with the little dogs, vas costen bitte? nine not mit du, dine kline hundedn?
Basically how much? no not with you but your little dog!
😁
I should say I was almost a regular with the MO at those times, fucking lost the skin off the end of my bomb head due too a badly fitted coil on one occasion, that fucking hurt, and my excused from marching chitty was a pleasure for the provo to read 😒unsympathetic bastards.
0