The ‘modern’ shopping experience

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People with no spatial awareness who are completely oblivious to everything going on around them.

I go to the supermarché. 2 people are walking in front of me as I go through the entrance. They both just randomly stop right inside the entrance causing me to nearly go into the back of them. They stand there debating and deliberating over some trivial bullshit while blocking the barriers to get in.
Blood pressure starts to increase. “Excuse me!” I say. “Oh err sorry” they say. Walking down one of the aisles and a family walks down 4 a-side down the aisle. I stand my ground. Eventually they realise and one of them steps behind the others.

Down another aisle. I don’t know why people do this but a person ahead decides to turn their trolley sideways blocking the aisle and then does a u-turn.

Getting more annoyed now.

Further along and a group of people gathering what appears to be their entire family for a reunion down one of the aisles blocking it.

People with a scan as you shop gun, but forget to scan as they shop so go to the till anyway with a massive trolley full of stuff.

People who only have their phone or watch to pay with like their Dick Tracy or something.

People who stop at the top an escalator also piss me off.
How can you not know where you’re going. It takes ages to get to the top of the escalator. Plenty of time to decide. There’s only a couple of options sometimes. FFS.

I hate shopping. I’d have it delivered but I’m too tight to pay for it and they substitute weird shit with your order. Like when they don’t have the right dog food, so they send a chew toy instead. WTF?

The only link I could find is American I believe, I say, I believe naaaah boooy!!

rude shopping

Nominated by Harold.

83 thoughts on “The ‘modern’ shopping experience”

  1. I wish I had a quid for everytime I’ve heard the wife say ‘I’m with Jane (or Lynda or whoever) to do a bit of shopping’.

    What the fuck? They actually go shopping for FUN. Women are from Mars…

    Morning all.

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  2. My personal favourite is the wimmin who roll up to the checkout with a load of stuff then spend ten minutes rooting through their handbag for a means of payment..

    “Oh where’s my purse gone now..”

    Dear me.

    Cunts.

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  5. That’s why I just shoplift these days.

    Watching media clips of pavement apes and roma filth filling bags up while staff just watch.
    I thought I could do that, but with a touch of David niven thrown in.

    “Awfully kind of you madam”
    “Hold the door please”

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  6. I always have fun in the supermarket, farting loudly, swearing, trolley barging and as people say i do look intimidating i dont get much aggro. The wife always says at the entrance of any shop, for fucks behave. The world is my toystore.

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  7. Shopping during the plandemic was fantastic.
    Walking breezily past the security mọng and loudly declaring ‘I’m exempt’ from wearing a stupid mask and them being unable to do jack about it and striding through groups of pathetic mask-wearing jellyfish who, upon seeing my weird-looking face and enormous moustache, parted like Moses and the Red Sea.
    Only one bitch ever challenged me…at a petrol station. ‘You can’t come in without a mask!’ she squawked, before saying she disbelieved my invented exemption.
    ‘Do you not want the money then, fatso?’
    ‘You’re banned.’
    ‘Yeah right.’
    Walked out not giving the slightest toss; hopefully I made her cry as she was barely porky at all.
    Being an unnecessarily rude dickhead to middle-aged wimmin really is brilliant.

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  8. Supermarket employees picking stuff for home deliveries are cunts. I don’t know if this is typical, but in Tescos they have 6 boxes on each trolley which they always park in front of the shelf that I want stuff from.
    I’ve started pushing their trolleys out of my way, and they can fuck off if they don’t like it.

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  10. I live in a timewarp town and nobody is in a rush. I do have a bank card to pay for things due to fucked up hands. Then order a taxi to come and take me home.

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    • I never use a card or cash as it undermines the thrill of the shoplifting experience. I do however use my reward/discount cards, which is only fair.
      🛒

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      • This isnt my experience of shopping at all?

        All the customers know me.
        All the staff know me.

        ” hello mr Miserable!”

        They all greet me,
        Staff reduce items with a sly wink for me,
        People say
        “jump in front of me” in the queue.

        Im probably just very well liked and popular.

  11. 100% agree, Harold.

    Yesterday, a dozy old git in front of us ( me and Younger) turned into an aisle already blocked by two trolleys oncoming and a steel cage full of items a worker was restocking shelves from.

    Did he back up and go down the next aisle? Did he fuck! Stood there like piffy, mouth open, brain out of gear!

    Note to self, must stop referring to people as old gits, whem I’m one myself.

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    • I get where you’re coming from Jeezum. I was in Warwick services on the M40 one afternoon when a bunch of elderly women on the table next to me were getting really wound up about the coffee being in cardboard cups. One of them went to the counter and came back with crockery on a tray. They then transferred their coffee into these cups and I could only think they must like their coffee tepid. My first thought was what miserable old buggers they were and then I realised they were actually younger than me. I’m older than you Jeezum and I can only say that just because your age starts with a 7 you don’t need to be a self-centred curmudgeon. I try to avoid being on the road in the rush hour and I give way to everyone who appears to be in a hurry. This isn’t altruism. My pension is only worth anything thanks to the folks working and producing the goods and services I want to buy. Returning to the nom, I’m regularly amazed at how many folks in Tesco’s seem to be utterly oblivious of the people and what goes on around them.

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  12. I hate these shops that force you one-way round all the aisles to get what you want. Like fat-bergs in sewers, they are always clogged by chubby families, gossiping women, screaming runts and some arse bandit blocking the shelf of the one product you want.

    Also up for cuntitude are slobs who can’t be arsed using the groceries divider after their shopping, and who yak away into their mobiles while blanking the poor checkout girl. Ignorant cunts.

    No wonder my cupboards are bare ?

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  13. Great nom.

    Got stuck behind a woman a few weeks ago, her trolly bulging with about £150 worth of shite.

    Included clothing, which had to be taken off of the hangers and neatly folded by the checkout girl. Needless to say she took her time placing the items in her bags.

    Then spent an eternity to find her purse, from which she produced about 20 vouchers which were scanned one by one but making scant difference to the fucking transaction total amount.

    Finally wanted to pay using an app on her phone. Produced the phone… had to log in… then find the app (which took ages as there was virtually no signal in the supermarket), only for it not to work first time so had to repeat the whole process!

    All I had was a couple of items, paying as I usually do with cash. No apology for keeping me fucking waiting for about 10 minutes. Selfish bitch, not a thought for anyone but herself.

    Isn’t modern technology supposed to improve and help with our busy lives? Yeah, course it is.

    Cunts.

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    • There should be till for cunts who have all the time in the world and the person on the check out doing the same. Both trying to out do each other for slowness, to see who blows their top first.

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    • I’ve heard stories of Supermarkets and some Department stores/Shopping centres deliberately having some sort of Faraday type device in order to block signals, so that you have to use their wi-fi while you’re in there and then they collect data about you and your shopping habits.
      Which must be in some sort of legal grey area because I’m sure signal jamming is technically illegal.

      I hate shopping. It’s like playing a survival horror game but the mutants aren’t trying to eat you. They just slowly drain your life force away by making you stressed because they’re being dozy twats.

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      • One thing I have done and I think it’s because some of you are a bad influence on me ..cough.. MNC & Cunt Engine, cough..
        This person left their trolley in an aisle and walked off to get something blocking the aisle.
        I moved it to one side and put all this random stuff in it that I thought would be funny like 5 jars of prunes. Then scurried off and peaked around the corner to watch when they came back to see if she noticed.

  15. Another thing that grinds my gears is when the shop is very busy, you’ve queued at the till because you have booze which makes going through the self-service an experience akin to the Chinese water torture, and the old biddy in front decides to start a lengthy conversation with the checkout operator, oblivious to the fuming queue behind her!

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    • Dead on, Jeezum.

      Wimmin who talk endless babbling blabbering crap with the lady on the checkout bends my head.

      Also, you only go on for a bottle of milk or a loaf of bread, and there’s some cunt in front of you buying every lottery and scratchcard on display. ‘Oh. I’ll have three Lucky Dips, two pots of golds, a Number 7, two Jackpots. Oh, and can you check this lottery ticket for us?’

      Bloody chav shite.

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  16. Proper pet hate of mine, this…

    When me and Mrs Norman are in our local Morrisons, if the Mrs moves out of the way of someone or you bump into them accidentally and say ‘sorry’. The cunts don’t utter a sodding word and just fuck off. It’s like they are all deaf. Either that, or just pig ignorant bastards.

    I wouldn’t mind if they were a rock star or whatever, sick of getting mithered. But these cunts are fucking nobodies. Yet common courtesy and manners is beyond them.

    I also hate those frigs who are behind someone else in a till queue, then they steam in and jump onto a newly opened checkout without saying that the person on the other till was there before them. OK, you get the odd one apart from me who will say to the old lady there ‘You were here before me. After you’. But 95% of them don’t. In the 70s, 80s and even 90s this was not common. However, Britain is now not only a weak and woke nation, it has also has the most selfish ‘I’m alright, Jack’ bunch of cunts known to man. It’s ‘I don’t care how long you’ve been standing there or how heavy your basket is. I’ve got to get to my car and pick up my horrendous kids, so fuck you.’

    No, fuck you.😡🔥

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    • Like you, Norman, I’m always courteous to the ladies. When they say how kind l was, I usually answer its because of being a philogynist, with nearly all replying what’s one of those and I reply with the opposite of misogynists. Ooh I see, is there answer with a puzzled look.

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  17. I try to do my shopping early Saturday morning before the women, kids, cunts get out of bed.

    There are so few people you get to see the same people each week, there is one old couple who are comedy gold. The woman has the trolley and the bloke a basket, she does the bulk of the shop and he is sent off with a list and wanders around trying to find the items.
    One time I was behind them at the checkout and I thought the woman had finished loading the belt so I picked up one the next customer plastic things and popped it on the belt…. Oh no she cries, I haven’t finished, we have a system, this system involves putting an empty bag on the belt, then some items, then another empty bag and more items, this continues until all the items are on the belt.

    My shopping experience now consists of making sure I am not behind these silly old cunts as well as spotting fit young birds doing the shopping for the home deliveries, summer hols is excellent – students on display 😂

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  18. Equally as frustrating, and usually wimminz, are the tunnel vision mongs in the car park.
    Their blinkered determination to get to the supermarket starts on the roads outside, but reaches lethal levels once in the parking area.
    Nothing, absolutely nothing is going to stop them.
    Until they try to park that is.
    Then everyone else has to wait as they fuck up this manoeuvre.
    Fucking nightmare.

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  19. I agree with Thomas the Cunt Engine about shopping during Convid! Arrows telling you which way to go up and down aisles. Yeah cos Convid follows directions. Neither did I! I wasnt going on a 6 aisles detour for the bread! ‘Im arrowlistic!’ Was funny though watching people move away from others obvious to those behind them!!! Daft cunts!!!

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  21. This actually happened to me a while back. I was at the checkout in Tesco and while loading my items back into the trolley after they’d been scanned, I saw the woman in the queue behind me was in conversation with the cashier, who picked up a carton of milk off the conveyor belt and put it on the ledge behind her. I asked her what she was doing and she said this woman had picked the wrong milk and didn’t want to buy it. I said “I don’t understand, that’s my milk.” She said “Oh I thought you were together” and scanned the milk.
    I felt like saying to this woman, ‘why don’t you just fucking wait till I’ve finished instead of trying to confuse her?’ The stupid bitch didn’t even know which was her stuff and which wasn’t. Amazingly I kept my temper.

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  22. Its pensioners.
    The elderly are to blame.

    Shuffling about like a extra from Michael Jacksons Thriller and getting in the fuckin way.

    You go in Aldi at 10am on a sunday its like Day of the Dead.
    The cunts should only be allowed to shop at a certain time.
    Say 8pm-9pm.

    And they smell.

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  23. “Would you like to use the self-checkouts?”

    “I don’t work here”

    “No, would you like to use the self-checkouts?”

    “Am I allowed to use the staff room?”

    “Wha’?”

    “I’d rather have pins inserted into my eyes and have my nails pulled out, thanks”

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  24. Frankly I can’t be bothered these days – what Sainsburys can’t supply on the home delivery Amazon can handle. On the odd occasion when I enter a shop it is Poundland for some garden stuff. Too much music blasting out of shops these days. Who wants to hear gramophone records in the supermarket or chemist.

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  25. B&Ms for me.

    Slug killer (bastards), weed killer, and all that stuff. Nothing for fruit flies though.

    A great trick to get shut of those fruit fly cunts is this…

    Vinegar (preferably cider vinegar, but malt will do), a blob or two of Fairy Liquid and a teaspoon of sugar in a small tub or bowl..

    The fuckers dive into it like mongs. But the washing up liquid stops them getting out, and the bastards drown and snuff it.

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    • I only make visit to B&M for things like shower gel, tea bags, bleach, bin bags, things like that.

      Fucking hell it’s like the old Wasps around a jam jar for chavs.
      I feel like Ash in the Evil Dead films or like I’m in the Last of Us or something.

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  27. The lovely Mrs Cunter has been away for 2 weeks now, so I have had to endure the supermarket experience THREE fucking times.

    And it’s holiday season so the shops are packed with all types of riff raff.

    At least we are close to the beach so the women don’t wear much.
    Plenty of opportunities to glimpse a down-blouse if you hang around the freezer cabinets long enough.

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  28. The only things I don’t see in supermarkets near me are foreigners. The black ones. The occasional odd one react like they used to when first being in allowed in. Sheepish. Like they should. Then you won’t get any trouble from them. I go days without seeing one, then I say to myself, fuck me, are they still around.

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  29. The shuffling wankers in our high street move spasmodically between the bookies, pubs, pasty outlets, Primark and Tesco. Sometimes the larger ones wash up on the beaches of Costa to down a bucket or two of slop and cake. Every few moments a mong mobile will nose through the throng causing mild disruption among the bovine face-fillers and twitching druggies. The whole spectacle is truly repulsive if you take the time to look closely. Whatever you do, do not make eye contact or you will become one of THEM.

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    • I’m sorry to hear you inhabit one of our less salubrious districts
      Twenty.
      I’m fortunate enough to live in a well-heeled area where the street beggars accept payment by card or app, and the muggers always thank you while robbing you of your wallet and phone.
      As my mum used to say, politeness doesn’t cost anything.

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  30. Whilst Mrs Bastard is perusing the shelfs, I go looking for random shit dumped on the wrong shelves. Is it kids or some fucking nutter who gets a kick out of leaving Tampax in the gin section.

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