Newspaper headlines

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are a cunt.

They grip my shit how they circumvent the important and concentrate on the obscure, a few examples from today’s chaff.

Beach arrest drama after report man exposed himself at Cullercoats Bay!

Hardly a fucking drama, its not like he was throwing grenades and waving a gun about.
“Officers remained in the area as part of Operation Coast watch to provide reassurance to those who had been affected.”
Fuck me, if you are traumatised by someone’s willy you have some issues, next

Reading: cars speeding up to 80mph on Redhatch Drive.

Fuck me there are probably more newsworthy issues in reading, fortunately….

Cars have been speeding up to 80mph on Reading residential road Redhatch Drive but the council “do not see a speed related concern” and “will not be investigating any further”
So, its not really of Importance, is it? Next

19 Things that would improve life in Aylesbury according to our readers,

Had to chuckle on this one, a nuclear bomb was on my list, but not theirs.

Police close suspected Surrey brothel after antisocial behaviour reports

This one pissed me off, why am I last to know, and did they do oap discount?

Mum left “terrified” after being stung over 100 times by wasps while on holiday in Skegness

Now fuck me, I burnt my arm in the cooker last week, how come that didn’t make headlines.

The most popular names for babies born in South Derbyshire last year have been revealed.

This one cheered me up, Oliver was the most popular boys name, so I may move there soon.

Man ‘held against his will’ amid reports of suspected cuckooing in Hull

Really? I don’t think anyone asks to be detained by the police, so how is this news.

Therapy dog Lola helps children cope with anxiety and trauma
“The work Lola and I do is deeply rooted in neuroscience, particularly the Polyvagal Theory – helping children and adults feel safe enough in their bodies and environments to learn, regulate and connect.”

Fuck me sideways, what is the world coming too?

Royal expert quashes rumours about Prince William and Kate Middleton’s plans to ‘upsize’ to Fort Belvedere

Expert my arse, how are the qualified.

Paddleboarding puts Torbay on the global map

Fucking first I heard about it!

So that’s it, todays cuntishness! The words “shocking” and “tragic” were not explored because quite often they are not.

Nominated by Lord Benny.

72 thoughts on “Newspaper headlines”

  1. On the radio, one day many year’s ago it was announced that there was no news, so they played some music instead.

    https://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-39633603

    I don’t think that very much happens nowadays either.
    To bulk out TV news programmes and to sell newspapers they sensationalise everything.

    News reporters love a royal death or a war.
    It gives them something to do.

    Otherwise they have to fill their time with reporting shite.

    Reply ↓

    • 😉😉
      War correspondent, you ever met one?
      We locked Martin Bell in a Warrior for the offensive and showed him what we thought best.
      Next time I saw him he seemed to turn up during cease fires, I have never seen a war correspondent under fire.

      Reply ↓

      • Sandy Gall received shrapnel wounds. Wherever Kate Adie went trouble broke out.
        Still that was last century before Bliarism destroyed the cuntry and turned reporters into fucking snowflakes.
        The cunts.

  2. See what I mean!

    https://westbridgfordwire.com/paedophile-caught-after-planning-to-meet-at-west-bridgford-pub/?utm_source=newsshowcase&utm_medium=gnews&utm_campaign=CDAqEAgAKgcICjCI4KULMODqvQMwyYm5BA&utm_content=rundown

    After denying the charges against him, a trial was arranged for Zizzari in April, which ended with a unanimous verdict from the jury, who found him guilty on all counts.

    Zizzari, of Langley, Peterborough, returned to Nottingham Crown Court to be sentenced today (28 August).

    see what I mean, it’s not news anymore.

    Any way shit day down south, pissing down with rain, and I almost considered letting the dog shit inside.

    Reply ↓

  3. A man exposed himself to me on a beach in wales years ago.
    Maybe its the same man?
    A coastal meth addict.

    I ignored him.
    Never made the papers either.

    Reply ↓

    • I thought you were going to say it was you and that you fancied a change of scenery from the Peak District for a day! 🤭

      On another note, I finally got to see a Dr about the ailment I mentioned about a month ago and all ok. I’ve not had it happen since I last mentioned it, so ok hopefully.

      Reply ↓

  4. A bit like today: Rayner Dodges £40,000 Stamp Duty…Deputy Prime Minister Angela Rayner has reduced her tax bill by declaring her new flat in Hove as her main residence, according to the Daily Telegraph. The paper suggests Rayner has saved £40,000 by making the declaration on her new £800,000 flat, but also makes clear this is “entirely legal”.
    If it is entirely legal, why bother telling us about the unwashed, scheming old trout?

    Reply ↓

  5. Anyone paying for newspapers, either in print or online, ought to be reminded that the corporate press/media hates us just as much as the government and local councils.
    You can never despise them enough.
    It’ll be interesting to see how they report the massive rally in London on the 13th September.

    Reply ↓

    • I sort of like hyperbole and sensationalism.
      Its tradition.
      Like-
      “Tommy Robinson commits Arson with his children.!!!
      Remains recovered!”
      – read between the lines.
      Tommy Robinson has a family barbecue.

      Reply ↓

      • On the Tommy Robinson (Real name:Stephen Yaxley Lennon) subject, I note that the media have been very quiet about that recent assault where Tommy has been told by the police there is no case to answer

    • stopped buying newspapers in 97 as an avid pistol shooter i was disgusted by the blatant lies printed about us in all the national press so vowed they would never get another penny out of me, the vile disgusting lying lazy incompetent cunts i fucking hate them all.

      Reply ↓

  6. And nothing ever happens, nothing happens at all
    The needle returns to the start of the song
    And we all sing along like before
    And we’ll all be lonely tonight and lonely tomorrow

    Reply ↓

      • Hi MNC

        You never let me have any fun.
        It’s so unfair!! 😁

        Nobody told me about Del Amitri being banned on here
        I’m always the last to know! 😁

  7. If you look at newspaper websites it’s even worse.
    A veritable feast of click bait, often involving part of the first paragraph.
    “Meghan reveals all about….”
    “TV legend investigated after….”
    “Premier league star looks for move to….”
    And the eventual ‘reveal’ is inevitably a damp squib.
    Even my local paper does it, even when the story is of urgent local interest.
    “Major road closed. Police say to avoid after….”
    And then they hide the report behind a paywall.
    What a bunch of cunts!

    Reply ↓

    • Morning FMC/all.
      To read any article hidden behind a paywall, just copy the address and go to:
      textise.net
      And paste the address into the only box.
      And you can read a text only version of the page – it works just fine for newspaper articles.

      Reply ↓

      • Thanks Thomas.
        I’ve been using that for a while. Works well most of the time.
        I’m itching to read my local papers latest story.
        “Residents shocked after cat stuck up tree horror”

      • One day there’ll be the headine ‘Headless body of Rosie Jones pulled from Wiltshire man’s cellar’.
        I’ll be a new Fred West.
        According to Harold, my accent is total Fred West already!

      • Years ago they were always finding naked prossies in Epping Forest, strangled with their own stockings (which the papers always found especially egregious) invariably found by that man walking his dog (they did get around). Just imagine if it were today “Naked Forest Victim was Rachel Reeves” or “Strangled Tart was Angela Rayner”

  8. I remember seeing that headline and couldn’t wait to turn the pages, to see the scantily clad young ladies inside. At least the penguins were forming an orderly queue.

    Its been donkeys years since I’ve bothered to read, or listen to the news. It always ends up annoying me anyway, then why bother. No news is good news in my opinion. I only look for anything of interest to myself which keeps me sane. I do like to find depressing news that makes me laugh my bollocks off and that I find on here.

    Reply ↓

  9. I’m still hoping for Britain’s multi cultural identity is 💩….and the population suddenly was a strange colour, lovingly put by Mr Barrymore as ‘awight’ 👍…now that would be a headline 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿

    Reply ↓

  10. I’ve never so much as seen an issue of Private Eye but still retain kudos for the fact that when Kate Middleton popped out her first sprog, … every other British paper went apeshit with 3,5,7,9 … and up to 13 pages of superfluous fanfare about it. From hypotheticals (‘what might they name it’, ‘are they planning to have another?’) to ‘interviews’ with cunts that stood across the street from the clinic/hospital every day for a week leading up to it. Fanfare and – of course – column inches, or column yards more like taken up with Union Jack bunting across the top & bottoms of every page …

    Private Eye went with ‘Woman has baby’.

    Reply ↓

  12. Tommy Robinson seen with zombie knife in front of terrified diners!!!

    – Tommy butters toast in cafe.

    Tommy Robinson and accomplice force small boys foot into metal contraption!!!
    – Tommy takes his son to Clarks for new shoes.

    Hate crime incident in epping forest!!
    March of the Far Right while immigrants fleeing persecution cower in terror!!!
    – middle age essex woman holds flag outside asylum hotel.

    Reply ↓

  13. This one today

    ” New rule for every driveway in England”

    It refers to the fact that planning permission is no longer required before installing an EV charger ( who knew you needed it before?), but makes it sound as if it’s something compulsory.

    Rule? It’s not a fucking rule, it’s a much needed change to a bit of petty regulation.

    Reply ↓

  14. “Fuck me, if you are traumatised by someone’s willy you have some issues”

    Spare a thought for Jess Phillips. She has never seen one – not even her own. As for her husband, “Mr. Phillips” he hasn’t got one either.

    “Heartbreaking” as every tabloid newspaper now labels everything. Good morning.

    Reply ↓

  15. “YORKSHIREMAN” or “Bristolian” , then proceeds to show a photo of Desmond from Mutare or Abdul from Karachi, stop insulting my intelligence, fucking legacy media!

    Reply ↓

    • Fuck me, why the fascination with someone having a shit?

      Unless they are doing it on a glass coffee table and you are under it.

      Note always make sure glass is in place.

      Reply ↓

  17. I’ve taken to turning over newspapers in supermarkets to the sports pages so the passing public aren’t subject to their bs.

    Reply ↓

  19. It’s fun to make up your own:
    “Ed Milliband found decapitated at foot of wind turbine.”
    “Ed Davey dies in freak paddling pool accident.”
    “Kier Starmer found tied up in cupboard with bottle up arse.”
    Etc…

    Reply ↓

  20. My favourite from the first rate “Shropshire Star”
    DUCK FOLLOWS BOY TO SCHOOL!
    SHOCK..HORROR…PROBE!!

    Reply ↓

    • Fucking classic.

      One of my own favourites goes back to my student days. A headline in the Edinburgh ‘Evening News’ went ‘Local Chip Shop Closes After 20 Years’.

      It was a slow news day.

      Reply ↓

  21. The has been a lack of headlines we expect from crossing the busiest shipping lane in the world.

    200 migrants die in the channel after small boat sinks.

    And underneath…..

    Border force vessels had been sabotaged by just stop oil, a French navy commander just shrugged his shoulder and said they were in UK waters, C’est la vie.

    Reply ↓

  22. My favourites are the ones where the paper (esp if it’s a local) always tries to find some relevant local lik.

    I don’t know if it’s apocryphal or not, but legend has it that on the Sunday following the news of the Titanic disaster, a Dundee paper had as its front page headline ‘Dundee Man Dies at Sea’. You get the drift.

    Also, any news report on any individual never says anything like ‘woman hit by bus in high street’. It’s always ’83 year old granny’ or ‘ 16 year old single mother of three’. They can never wait to get the age in.

    Morning all.

    Reply ↓

  24. Good Morning

    Sometimes you have to newspaper headlines. A couple of years ago all the Daily newspapers had a front page headline confirming that am actor had a super injunction renewed concerning a story written about him and forbidding them from repeating it. Next to the story was a review of a play at Chichester Arts Festival starring Hugh Bonneville. The play was about freedom of speech. I wondered why a fairly obscure play warranted such publicity and it took far too long for the penny to drop.

    Reply ↓

    • ‘U.S. paratroopers turn back mid air as Haiti deal struck”.

      Don’t know the origin story or year.

      I presume the *plane* they were in turned around halfway whilst en route to Haiti.

      Reply ↓

  28. If printed news and regional news web sites are bad enough then msn.com is the psychiatric wing. They’ve been threatening WW3 for over a year.

    I got a headline the other day that former comedian Roy Jay “Had Died”. He died in 2007!
    https://www.msn.com/en-gb/entertainment/tv/bbc-comedians-body-was-left-unclaimed-for-weeks-after-dying-penniless/ar-AA1L14xM
    msn.com is an embarassment.

    I can’t wait until Putin dies to see what headlines they come up with.
    My message was banned on BBC Have Your Say for saying that Ukraine should make every attempt to eliminate Dmitry Medvedev and that other cunt as a matter of urgency. The leadership of Russia has to be destroyed to leave Putin standing alone. They can’t handle the truth.

    Reply ↓

  29. The Daily Star.

    When they have huge front page headlines about the weather…

    ‘PHEW! SCORCHING HOT SUN IN JULY SHOCK!’

    ‘BRRR! FREEZE AND SNOW IN JANUARY HORROR!’

    I can imagine that they had the same front page for three or four months in 1976.🤣

    Now that Page 3 and tits are now banned, the Star isn’t even worth wiping one’s arse on nowadays.

    Reply ↓

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