Let’s face it, none of us are going to cheat a visit by the Grim Reaper… the most we can do is follow the advice from Blue Oyster Cult and try not to fear him. Most of us don’t want to be reminded of our frail mortality as life is fleeting enough already. Each year that goes by seems to disappear quicker and quicker.
I don’t watch a lot of TV, most of it is crap. However when a rare bout of curiosity sets in and I do try the idiot box, my piss always boils as nearly every other advertisement shown these days is one about planning your cremation. They show OAPs cheerfully talking about their impending Sudden Existence Failure as if it is something to look forward to, smiling whilst they talk about how lovely it is going to be when their bones are pulverised by hammers and then the fragments incinerated to ashes.
I especially hate the ones by Pure Cremation and the one with the smug twat lying in a bath going on about how lovely the funeral was they just went to. He seems to go to an awful lot of funerals and is always talking about them when having a bath; his relatives must be dropping like flies, maybe they all live in that charming village of Midsummer. Well if you like funerals that much you irritating cunt, let me speed up yours for you, that will wipe the smile off your face and give someone else a chance to use the bath.
Cremation adverts in general are all cunts, with the biggest of them being Pure Cremation.
Nominated by Chunder Tunt.
Let’s be honest.
Most of you will be lucky to see Christmas.
So it’s best to make plans for your soft shoe shuffle into the icy clutches of the reaper.
I’d suggest whatever your plans put on a good spread
Sausage rolls
Vol auvents
Butties
Them little pasties
Scotch eggs etc
And invite me.
As chief mourner.
11
Makes me smile these after funeral knees ups, like saying thank fuck that cunt’s gone.
6
” it’s what our Bernard would of wanted,
Everyone drinking beer and eating pickled onions!
Loved pickled onions our Bernard did… *😂
9
The funeral I saw in Ghana was interesting MNC, everyone jolly and leaping about, playing happy tunes and singing joyfully, they must of hated the twat. Didn’t see much grub though.
Buried him/her on the beach, sand easier to dig I suppose. No one looked back.
6
Afternoon Major👍
In Ghana, you can have a coffin made like anything you fancy.
Packet of Benson and Hedges
Kitkat
Can of special brew
Whatever.
https://youtu.be/x52EEW-pRBM?si=kSYIGN8yfsBeyHdT
This guy liked race cars.
I like how the corpse is bolt upright while his missus dances in the background 😅
2
Yep, that’s Ghana 🤣
1
I never hear any TV advert because Mrs Twatt, owner of the remote control, keeps her thumb hovering over the mute button ready for the commercials to begin.
However I have noticed one for the Coop, I think, which seems to feature the funeral of a now-deceased biker. I’d enjoy the advert rather more if his coffin was a 20ft diameter circle and two inches deep, thus demonstrating that his demise came against a brick wall at 80mph.
7
I beg to differ, Chundy.
Both Mick jagger & Keith Richards, both technically deceased, but will go on forever having already sold their souls to the Devil years ago.
⛧
And Cliff Richard of course, the undead Anti-Christ.
𐕣
8
Whatever you may say about Mick and Keith, at least they prove that cryogenics works.
6
What makes me cross is how they all cack on about how ” affordable” they are, as if that’s the only consideration.
I’m thinking of starting a company that does, for example, Viking funerals, or maybe those where the wife is burned along with the corpse ( you would be able to substitute a ” Celebrity” or politician for the Missus).
As someone pointed out to me recently, any decent funeral company can and will do a direct cremation service, for around £1200/£1400.
Don’t give these TV wankers your business, it only encourages them
7
I regularly pass a sign on the way to Macclesfield.
‘Natural Burial Ground’.
And wondered about it.
Turns out either your remains or ashes can be put there,
And a young sapling planted.
It looks nice!
Like a big garden.
Can be for yourself or for a family.
I’m thinking of treating Mrs Miserable.
Valentines day gift?
9
You old romantic!
5
It’s in Adlington JP,
Posh Adlington!
Only way we could afford to move there. 😁
5
You old romantic you.
Tell her you’ll have her buried face down with the sampling’s root ball inserted in her anus.
6
Sapling, not sampling.
Stupid cunt.
3
Never seen any of these ads. Avoiding them is easy. Don’t watch shite TV channels funded by ads selling shite to morons who watch shite TV channels. Then of course also fuck the BBC off. Then find something better to do.
10
You won’t think that Jon when Boggs Porno TV comes free to air. No adverts – just wall to wall crumpet, striptease and bumfuckery for the uphill gardeners. We might accept a few tasteful ads for clap clinics, but the main subscription will be blackmail letters sent to bishops, politicians, schoolmasters and scout masters, with full details of what they have watched, and offering them a no-questions asked monthly “donation” of £250 to keep us going. REALLY hard porn – necrophilia, for example etc £400 a month. Very reasonable terms, I think.
7
Don’t forget BBC presenters, WC.
Supplementary rates for them, I would suggest.
4
The Pure ad that pisses me off most is some fat, smug, self-satisfied cunt laying back in his bath and telling his wife who is hovering around while he soaks his blubber what a wonderful day they have had at the crematorium. If I was his missus I would have thrown the fucking electric fire in the bath with him, so he could enjoy another one.
As regards that Co-Op one, it is mawkish and repulsive, but the worst part of it is the dykie funeral director in her top hat leading the bike. I reckon it’s Jess Phillips at her other job – both looking manly and bikes should provide the clue – everyone has had a ride on Jess – except “Mr. Phillips”. Any hole is a goal for the Labour ladies. Just ask Angela Eagle.
9
I don’t do funerals. Or weddings. Say ‘no’ often enough, early enough ; people stop asking. Dissenters about same whisper among themselves, I know, but they can fuck off.
One of my critters reaches the end of their life? .. I bury them, with a broken heart. Sadder than if any person I know dies. A burial/cremation of the deceased is necessary. Making a big public deal out of it, is not.
Recently :
‘Your neighbours* sister died, did you hear?’
‘uh huh’.
“Are you going to go to the funeral?”
“I didn’t even know her fucking name. Didn’t even know she existed (until she didn’t). Why the fuck would I go to her funeral? ”
(^ *Quarter mile, next nearest house.)
In return no-one will be inconvenienced by my demise either. Morgue (obligatory) > crematorium > don’t care.
Simples.
13
You must know me by now for not watching adverts and anything else that’s annoying. Much easier when living a single life on ones own. Still can’t get my head round the reason why people persevere with things that annoy them and complain. Its got to be complaining for the love of it, or plain old masochism.
4
In the last 20 years every funeral I’ve been this old woman’s there.
It must be her full time hobby?
Like a fuckin stormcrow
Harbinger of death.
Never misses one.
Told Mrs Miserable, if I joss it make sure she’s barred.
Dined out enough at the expense of others.
Tell her to bring a packed lunch an a flask of tea.
9
Yeah. I was at two, in my teens. First one, a friend of mine hit&run speeding driver took him out at 13y.o. (A nicer kid than me, too, he was!)
Then my grampappy’s one.a few years later. And I heard a man there – a friend of my folks – who was among the mourners say to another one in a grumpy way ‘I had to swap a shift to be at this’, and I thought why the fuck are you here if you’re not actually upset about the dead cunt?
So I just decided not to ever go to the charades again after that. Not-upset people, going to funerals!?.. I prefer to be honest and generally disliked (by cunts, anyways)than be a line-toeing hypocrite.
7
That was no typo btw : Ol’ grampappy was a cunt. It was my being told about him where I learned the phrase ‘Street angel, house devil’…
0
Are you sure Mis, you weren’t watching the film “Harold and Maude” about a young man and an older woman who meet at funerals and become friends.
2
I enjoy funeral ads. They’re the only ones that don’t leave me seething about the ridiculous over representation of non-whites.
10
Funerals and payday loan ads:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-Nl1WhjBIs
3
Are there any blacks in these particular ads?
4
Yes there are J.P. But unlike white’s, sooties normally die from natural causes like gunshot.
9
H.J. Not J.P. Idiot!
2
I’m the executor of my best mates will.
The funeral, everything is paid for, and planned.
He’s ex forces and likes things done to plan.
He’s given me strict instructions for the music played which I instantly forgot with being pissed up and listening to the jukebox.
He asked me if I’d got it and I assured him it was as good as done.
He named about four or five tunes, be like I’m fuckin DJing!
Just stick now that’s what I call music vol2 on.
7
Had some smashing pork pies at the most recent post cremation knees-up I attended.
Only marred by a sad dearth of Colmans mustard.
Don’t remember for the life of me whose funeral it was…
Wasn’t the mother-in-law’s, more’s the pity.
Boom! Boom!
5
Pay now die later, it makes sense to me.
I think I will go for the one where the tart on the advert for death insurance says ‘but it was a lovely ceremony’
I like that, it’s reassuring to know ‘it will be a lovely ceremony’ 😂
5
Mines going to be a small personal affair Sicky.
Ten trumpeters blow a mournful note on rams horns.
As a signal for the funeral barge to make its way.
Virgins scatter Rose petals in front as it makes its sad journey.
The parson utters the words
Ashes to ashes
Funk to funky
And 50 archers shoot flaming arrows into my longboat made from the skulls and rig ages of my enemies.
Tasteful like.
8
Are you going to be buried with the country crème gate, it would only be right, it’s part of your heritage 😉
5
If you find out you’re on the way out book a one way ticket somewhere exotic.
Make the government pay a small fortune to bring your corpse home and bury\cremated you.
Obviously make sure you leave no estate.
The thought of costing the government money after death, whilst making sure they get fuck all makes me happy.
6
I can’t see the reason for moving dead bodies long distances. It’s pointless. When someone dies just dispose of them locally.
5
Agree.
I wouldn’t want the UK taxpayer lumbered with the expense of repatriating my corpse.
Straight in the local landfill would suit me.
Be a part of somewhere that will be forever England.
5
@scb if you can afford 10s of thousands of boat people you can afford to bring my body back to Blighty.
1
I was recently barred from a ex work colleagues funeral, i switched the entrance track from some hymn or other to Alice Cooper’s ‘i love the dead’ as I was being escorted out I yelled ‘sorry, probably should have chosen ‘hello hooray’ 😩
5
How about Bat into Hell?
3
Obituary have a jaunty little ditty titled ‘Buried Alive’ …
Metallica ” ‘End of the Line’ would be another apt one..
2
I can’t see the Starmfuhrer being interested in these adverts.
Lord Alli has already paid for his State Funeral.
I expect 6 weeks of official mourning for our beloved leader.
4
Perfect just like those sausage rolls Cunt!
7
Get the fucking Council to pay for it then fuck off.
6
“Do you dig graves?” ….
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PPCcBZnJUPQ&pp=ygUcWW91bmcgb25lcyBkbyB5b3UgZGlnIGdyYXZlcw%3D%3D
2
I was hoping to get a invite for pope Frank’s funeral but didn’t get one.
Probably rubbish anyway?
, full of foreigners and mini pizzas for snacks.
Shame, his boyfriend is probably lonely,
Think he went with Pure cremations?
Don’t think he was very religious..
Seemed a decent bloke,
2
Here is the funeral to end all funerals – Pure couldn’t put a spin on this one:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiwrccFQnmg
2
That lazy porker in the bath.
Mumbling about sausage rolls.
Needs his head pushing under.
Drown the cunt in his own scum.
Fuck him and his equally smug missus.
2
I am surprised the posh funeral chaos haven’t hit back. Horses with black plumes, mourners for hire by the dozen to stand by the graveside, exquisite floral tributes, big family mausoleums, giant statues depicting the heavenly host, top hats, widows’ weeds…Let’s have a return to elegant send offs.
0
‘chaps’ not ‘chaos’ ffs.
0