El cactus de las pesadillas.
The garden at Casa Cunter is tended to by Mrs Cunter.
Unfortunately, her enthusiasm is not backed up with any skill whatsoever.
A neighbour dropped by and gave us a small cactus in a pot.
The wife put it on a table on the terrace.
It looked like an underdeveloped but nevertheless erect cock.
I suggested that it was Pákí size, but Mrs Cunter corrected me by saying that it was bigger, more like Jap dimensions.
She has obviously been online for advice.
She thought that it looked amusing on the table.
In only a few short weeks the cactus had doubled in size and even grown what could be described as a bell end.
Even more amusement for her.
She took selfies with the rude cactus and sent them to her friends.
About a month later and with more growth she decided to plant the cactus in the ground.
It already had evil spikes so she wrapped it up in wads of newspaper and wore thick gardening gloves.
Now I always thought that cacti were slow growing, but this fucker was the exception to the rule.
She still thought it was funny to have a one and a half meter cock growing in the garden.
Tiny side shoots appeared but these soon developed into what looked like arms.
The ‘bell end’ had swollen into a head shape.
Mrs Cunter started to take a dislike to the plant. Possibly because it no longer resembled a huge cock.
She started to call it “That fucking thing”.
Within a year of getting the cactus and with it now at over 2 meters tall she decided that “The fucking thing” had to go.
Easier said than done.
You can’t just pull it out of the ground and take it round to the bins.
By now the fucking thing had huge spikes.
Of course I could have chopped it down with a machete, but how the fuck do I get the bits in the rubbish?
It’s not like I could pick up the spikey parts and put them in a bin bag.
By now Mrs Cunter was getting scared.
She thought the fucking thing was going to take over the garden and come after her.
It had already grown arms so she reasoned that it would soon grow legs.
A few month’s later and with the fucking thing at about 3 meters tall we booked some building work to be done at Casa Cunter.
Luckily a skip was delivered and I carefully hacked the fucking thing to pieces.
Mrs Cunter encouraged me…..
“Kill the fucking thing!” she was shouting from a distance.
With great care the cactus was consigned to the skip.
The next day I dug what was left of it out of the ground.
It was then that I got stabbed by a tiny spike.
That little puncture wound in my wrist turned into ringworm.
No, I didn’t know that you could get it from cactus plants either, but you can.
It quickly spread and it took a year’s worth of anti fungal pills and special soap to get rid of it.
The revenge of “The Fucking Thing”.
That’s Life style pictures of cacti.
Nominated by : The Artful Cunter
Ho ho, excellent leftfield nomming, TAC!
Nothing much to say about cactii, except that I’d love to see Rachel Reeves flung a few hundred yards from a trebuchet into a large amount of the spiky bastards.
Good morning to one and all.
15
Load all the Labour bastards into it Thomas.
9
Or brutally penetrated in every orifice with said Cactus.
7
Don’t encourage them
8
Not ingested any? I had san pedro soup with peyote croutons, absolutely disgusting, almost too disgusting to eat. 10/10 would eat again.
2
No sympathy, getting all worked up over a cock shaped plant and then crying when the cock plant does its own thing.
Does you neighbour not like you 😂😂😂
10
Surely in the plant kingdom there must be an exotic species that looks like a giant fanny you can give to your neighbour and repay the favour AC?
9
https://www.dreamstime.com/part-cactus-vagina-symbol-female-genital-organs-symbol-women-health-concept-part-cactus-abstract-female-vagina-gynecology-image144468948
4
Even Cunt Engine would think twice.
5
Now THAT’S a challenging fuck.
7
I suggest a visit to the clap clinic if your missus’ clunge looks like that.
5
Spanish cacti do not take kindly to foreigners invading their territory.
The UK government could learn a thing or two from the humble Spanish cactus.
😂
9
Next time Mrs Cunter would do well to heed this sound advice: Sticking thousands of pins into a courgette makes an ideal, and much safer, cactus substitute. Conversely, shave a cactus to create a realistic courgette.
🌵
7
You are the in-house Viz ‘Top Tips’ writer, and I claim my Letterbocks pen ….
9
The fitted carpet with a square example on each foot, is still my favourite Viz “Top Tip”.
4
Can`t take credit for it, but was nice to share.
And if you have a spare few hours, this will guarantee a chortle or two …
https://www.facebook.com/groups/vccgviztoptips/
3
You are Alan Titchmarsh and I claim my £5.
3
That’s what happens when you meddle with nature..
I mean,look at the fucking state of Thunberg and Miliband.
Good morning.
10
If only when it was younger, you could’ve inserted it up the arse of the most unpopular cunt in government and let everyone have the pleasure of watching it grow.
6
Could float these fuckers in the english channel, just saying. What is that hissing noise.
7
I continue to have a similar problem with an insidious tree demon, the Cape lilac. Nasty hairy toxic caterpillars called Spitfires in their hundreds love the thing. I’ve chopped it down several times and poured litres of Glyphosate, a strong plant killer illegal in many countries on it to no avail, the fucking thing is immortal.
5
I`m pretty sure you can get Agent Orange on Amazon or eBay.
6
Don’t get me started Shackledragger or I might have to tell you about Mrs Cunter’s lemon tree fiasco.
5
Flamethrower it? You can get one for gardening, meant for killing weeds on your driveway.
5
This is a tremendous nomination.
My daughter had a tiny cactus plant which she’d pretty much abandoned a couple of years ago and I basically adopted it.
It has since trebled in size and despite the Mrs complaints of how much she hates the thing, I’ve grown (no pun intended) rather fond of the ugly prickly bastard.
This nomination has made me reconsider things.
5
Would water drown it ?
3
Small incisions in a ring around the base of the “shaft”. Insert 2 pence pieces. Wait 6 weeks.
Result: Dead cactus. Works on trees too.
3
Not nearly as effective as it once was Termujin unless you can dig out some old copper coins. Since 1992 “copper” coins in UK have been copper plated steel washers. Test with a magnet.
2
Go on Termujin, I’m intrigued.
The neighbour has a massive sycamore that is now taller than the house and sheds thousands of helicopters every autumn.
It would be a real shame if it wasn’t around this time next year.
1
The admirable cactus.
You can starve it, give it no water, expose it to heat and bitter cold, and generally neglect it to your heart’s content. Come the summer, the ugly little fucker will still reward you with a display of the most glorious flowers imaginable.
They’re awfully hard to dislike when it comes down to it.
Morning all.
7
🏜️….I wonder if it’s looking down on Mr artful and thinking….’do you feel lucky punk, well do you 😩…nowt wrong with a prickly bastard I say 👍
5
Someone might start getting nightmares of being stuck in a maze of cacti and report you to the Mithering Police.
5
The wife is the gardener round here, my knowledge of horticulture is abysmal. She plants stuff which I am then required to prune when it starts getting out of hand. Not so bad when it’s a cherry tree, main danger is falling off the fucking ladder, but she planted a pyracantha a few years ago. You take your life in your hands pruning that bastard. The thorns are vicious and penetrate skin with ease and I can assure you they really fucking hurt.
Mustn’t complain though, it’s her birthday today and she’s currently preparing to cook lobster thermidor from fresh ingredients.
6
Getting the wife to cook on her own birthday arfur?
Bravo sir.
6
No persuasion on my part LL. She checked out the local restaurants and decided they all offered weird modern stuff she didn’t fancy so she would cook herself. She describes herself as a 1970s cook who cooks on taste not this year’s fashion or the latest what’s good for you fad.
2
Shouldn’t have given that Japanese knotweed plant to a cunt I did not like very much before we moved. I am very wary of any plant that resembles a cock or a fanny, something a bit creepy methinks
5
Cacti?
They’re like the house of commons.
Full of irritating little pricks.
11
Any mescalin going on there A.C.? Only asking.
3
Mescaline or mescalina. Silly of me!
2
Superb nom. I suspect Monty Don or Alan Titmarsh would enjoy this one.
As it was approaching full phalic resemblance I’d have dug it up and posted it to Wes ‘Ducky’ Streeting. He’d have known what do…..
5
Mrs Cunter did suggest that Monty Don should be invited round to have a look at it.
She also said that he could check out her clematis.
At least I think that was what she said.
0
Prickly bastard!
3
Most amusing nom.
Not sure who was the cunt in this story so I’m putting it down as a team effort.
2
Cactus is not a cactus without a sleeping Mexican in its shadow
0