The Coffee Shop Workplace

I go in at 9.30 for a coffee and a breakfast. Its only a small venue of 9 tables with 4 seats at each. Each table is occupied by one person, a laptop, files, papers and documents. The essential phone is open, and there is the empty mug of coffee that was purchased some hours ago.

I return to the Coffee shop much later. The same people at the same tables.

I have given up!

I have visited Starbucks, and even Greggs in Huntingdon. Still the laptop people are spread out just like their spreadsheets.

I wonder? How can a business sustain such capacity on the cost of 12 coffees a day ?

BRW, same on the fucking train !!

Nominated by : Trebecular

With a second serving from : Chuff Chugger

If I may add a more positive anti-cunting story to this very valid nom (above)
By coincidence on the same day as this nom was posted, this heart warming story appeared on my local rags website……and I think this guy deserves a mention:

Kent Online Link.

You may well be ginger sir, but you aren’t a cunt. Good man.

70 thoughts on “The Coffee Shop Workplace

  1. One of my pet hates, and I don’t even frequent coffee shops.
    Just walking past one full of these tossers is enough to send me over the edge.
    I swear it’s all done for effect.
    ‘Look at me everyone, I’m a business person. A high flyer, doing a job only a select few can do’.
    Probably selling double glazing if the truth were known.
    It’s the sort of ostentatious performance Del Boy would resort to.
    ‘Buy, Buy! Sell, Sell!’.
    Fuck if you cunts!

    • This is why I despise the corporate world – so many of the wankers feel the need to show off and demonstrate that they’re doing a ‘real’ job.

      • And the corporate speak that goes with it.
        ‘Feedback us the breakfast of champions’
        Oh do fuck off!

      • I heard some entrepreneur speaking loudly on his phone and closing a deal. I responded by loudly playing the apprentice theme.

      • Don’t forget the monthly ‘team bonding’ conference with the plated 3 course meal

    • Wouldn’t it be most unfortunate if you “accidentally” stumbled whilst carrying a tray laden with coffee, hot chocolate and milkshakes and the whole lot went flying all over their ‘workspace’ ?

  2. Our local place has done the same and introduced a ban after complaints from other customers.

    Too many entitled cunts buying a coffee then holding a meeting for two hours, expecting everybody to accommodate their need for space and quietness.

    Fuck ’em.

    Morning all.

  3. Thankfully the local “coffee shop” has an injunction against me popping in and the police have confiscated my laptop.

    Looks like I dodged a bullet there.

    Good show.

  4. Excuse my tech ignorance, but why can’t they just switch the Wifi signal thingy (whatever it’s called) off?

    Incidentally Kunt Online is so full of crap I struggle to locate the articles.

  5. Popular tv series ‘Friends’.
    Say no more.

    PS: There’s at least one person on ISaC who’s clearly a massive fan and dreams of sniffing Ross’ gusset.

    • I’m fortunate enough to own a kettle and can borrow coffee from next door.

      So coffee shops are a enigma for me.

      Are you Joey from Friends?

    • I’d rather have sniffed Rachel’s gusset.

      Still would if I’m honest. Even though she’s over 55.

      As Owen Wilson would say: Wow.

      • Ditto for Claire Forlani and Marisa Tomei

        Friends was always so-so. There have been much better American comedies: Parks & Recreation, Seinfeld, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Frasier.

        I prefer my Guatemalan blend coffee done in a French press. Black or occasionally with cream.

      • I can’t divulge the location of my favourite coffee shop with many fannies, it would end up full of weirdo perverts from ISAC 😂

      • I can’t divulge the location of my favourite coffee shop with many fannies, it would end up full of weirdo p verts from ISAC 😂

      • Mis is the last person to be let loose around unsuspecting young ladies, he may have a country cream gate but the half dozen stalking exclusion bans are still in force 😉

    • I’m with you all the way there, Sick of It. Down the years there have been some good alternatives for fanny as another way of saying ‘woman’. ‘Crack’, ‘minge’ and ‘crinny’ to name just a few. One of my favourites is a bit of ‘trim’. Whatever it’s called, I still ogle it with a stamina that would put a thoroughbred racehorse to shame. Long live gawping.

      • Staring is now illegal on public transport in Londonistan.

        No, I am not making this up.

      • Many moons ago I had occasion to venture into the John Lewis coffee shop in Norwich with my daughter while we were visiting that ‘Fine City’.

        After a few minutes it dawned on me that all the skirt in there was eyeing me up. It definitely gets their juices flowing, does caffeine and carrot cake.

        Or maybe they were just bored with shagging their brothers.

      • I’m not surprised Geordie. I guess they heard you speak? As soon as they detected a non-local accent that was enough to get them going in Norfolk, you were obviously something exotic. Same thing applies to Harry Markle, Though why he felt he had to go to the States for a half caste I can’t explain.

  6. Probably all civil serpents working from home, with their rainbow lanyards on..

    Contacting human rights lawyers about the case of illegal stabby Abduls..

    Ordering soy milk Latte macchiato’s..

  7. I always find that coffee shops tend to be full of smug, leftie student cunts. A few years back, I went into a local coffee shop with a Donald Trump t-shirt on and a copy of the Dailymail (which I hate reading but it was worth it). The offended looks I got from the Tarquins and Jemimas was priceless.

  8. There should be an enforceable ban on using a place of rest and relaxation for ‘work’ purposes. What would the keyboard clicking cunts say if a welder came and sat opposite and started fabricating a grain silo out of sheet steel or if a doctor came to sit at the same table and began examining patients who were suffering from terminal piles? Nobody wants to chill and relax sat next to some cheeky cheapskate laptopped fucker making a cunt of himself. A pot of hot tea accidentally spilt all over the keyboard would sort the bastard out.

  9. Anybody paying a fiver for a coffee no one can pronounce deserves all the hassle they get in these temples of vainglorious stupidity.

  10. I’m surprised customers themselves didn’t tell these cheeky cunts to shove over and make room for their hearty large breakfasts. They probably did. I just thought I’d mention it and was the start of the owners fight back to normality.

  11. Can I also point that if you’re in a coffee shop you are not working from fucking working from fucking home. I have yet to have a job that I could go to a coffee shop to do.

    • Total fuck up of a post……………. can I also point out that if you’re in a coffee shop you are not working from fucking home. That’s better.

  12. Good to know this is an international problem, with the emergence of the digital nomad.

    Cafe owners the world over are getting tired of some web designer dickhead spending all afternoon over a single coffee and biscotti, while hogging the bandwidth of ten regular customers.

  13. I have neither a laptop nor do I waste time or money in coffee shops, so fuck them.
    Afternoon all. 🌞

    • Afternoon MJB.

      Spot on, why anyone would pay for this shite is a wonder to me.

      Kettle, Nescafé instant, sorted for pennies.

      • Do you go to Tea Dances Mis?

        Apparently your neighbour Ange picks up lots of cock at Tea Dances. But only genteel, refined cock.

      • I would but, oddly enough, I’ve yet to find one that makes a decent cup of tea. I like Asda’s extra strong tea but everywhere I’ve been it’s catered to the lowest common denominator and been weak as piss.

      • @ MNC
        I don’t drink tea.
        Except when I pop next door to shag the neighbour’s wife.
        She likes me to stay for a brew up afterwards.
        It’s a small price to pay if I’m honest.

      • Miserable did go once Geordie but got mixed up with line dancing.

        The old dears didn’t know where to look as he stood there in his Stetson and assless chaps.

      • Yep, tea rooms.
        Cucumber sandwiches, Mr Kipling French Fancies, doylies.😃👍

      • Nowt wrong with a genteel tearoom.
        A pot of earl grey
        Tiny little butties
        Little cakies.


        Very British 🇬🇧

        Coffeeshops are for plastic yanks.
        People who wear baseball caps backwards and call others “dude”.

        Starbucks “Have a nice day..”..

        MNC “Get fucked.”.

      • Totally agree.
        A NICE cup of tea ( always nice 🤔) and maybe a toasted teacake to keep one going ’til supper.
        It built The Empire! 🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧

      • I agree about tea rooms, Mis. My Mrs has always liked them and for decades I could take them or leave them. I’ve changed over the last few years because as I’ve got older quite a bit of the well heeled and posh knickered rural shires trim that gets in there has started to appeal to me. The Mrs hasn’t figured any of this out yet and feeling a bit on edge in case she does adds to the illicit pleasure.

  14. Any cunt who works from home and doesn’t go to head office to create a more efficient environment where ideas can be bounced about should be replaced by a cheaper foreign cunt who can just as easier communicate via email. Amount of idle shits I get in my work who all say “I should be working at home right now…” then why aren’t you?! Fuck off.

    • I tried working from home once but my missus got pissed off when I used the industrial sandblaster on a 10,000 litre water tank in the living room.

      She did protest at the time but I couldn’t hear her over the dreadful noise of the compressor in the kitchen.

  15. Everyone has said it all – I guess prospective MPs will also be using them this year while they read their Guardians to “set the agenda” for the coming day, and to rub shoulders with the common people.

    It is just a masturbatory gesture – like the idiot who gets on with some “serious” work in the train and underground, and bashes away on his 15″ laptop.

  16. Why would you want to have a meeting (zoom or whaddeva da fuck) in a coffee shop? Wouldn’t everyone be eves-dropping?
    Better to do it at home in the bath with a toaster.

  17. To be fair, I work remotely and I did this in the local pub when we were getting the internet sorted at home.

    Can’t endorse this cunting, I’m afraid.

    Coffee shops are full of tossers, though.

    • I think some of the drivers on our bus route work remotely judging by the number of buses that don’t turn up.

  18. Coffee slurping twats on laptops.

    Probably with a company lanyard draped around their neck.

    More work in a sick note.


  19. Went in one once to meet some cunt in Leeds. Piss poor overpriced swill. And full of cunts.Transport caffs are good though. Or vans.
    Stick your coffee shop up yer arse.

      • Used to always have a Bovril in the swimming baths cafe after a few lengths when we were lads….☕

  20. Never been to a coffee shop, smells to much of metropolitan arseholes my places of choice were transport cafes and a few cafes in London wherever there was a line of Hackney’s outside grub was top notch and good value and not an office wanker in sight.
    Honestly the way advertising and media carry on you would assume everyone and his facking dog was an office wonk. In my eyes if you pay a £5 for a coffee you need whacking with a 3lb turning hammer.

  21. There used be a bloke who had a cafe in an old coach parked up in a lay-by near Swindon. Best breakfast ever, full English of course with tea of a perfect strength to set you up for a day’s hard graft.
    Sadly no more , gone with everything else good about this country.

    • All these roadside cafes will be repurposed as mobile mosques for our new overlords. You can certainly see that fucker coming.

  22. Bring on a solar flare or emp. This shit needs to stop. Sanctimonious cunts telling others to be quiet. If you don’t like it fuck off to an actual office or go home. I hate what our society has become.

  23. I bet that these cunts are the same type that you see striding down the high street or pottering around Tesco with their work ID badge and lanyard swinging round their neck.

  24. was in thailand a couple of years ago and there was one of these cunts in the hotel, breakfast time laptop out at the table and loads of paperwork, come back in the afternoon, still there same in the evening which begs the question. why did you come here to sit at a table looking at a screen all day everyday you fucking bell end. you are not impressing anyone you just look like a cunt

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