Confectionary Bars x 2

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1/2 — Fucking Around With Chocolate Bar Flavours (Flavors, US)

I love Daim bars, me.

But the other day I was offered a `limited edition, Orange` Daim …
DiscountDragon

Of course, it was utterly disgusting, as expected.
Why do they do this?
After a few weeks it will be gone.
You would think they would learn by their mistakes – they`ve tried many a different flavour over the years, but none have even come close to matching the majesty of the original brittle almond-sharded original encased within its reasonably generous chocolate carapace.
Fucking pointless.

Is nothing sacred? The thoughtless cunts`ll be bringing out Strawberry fucking Aeros next. Oh, they just have …

The Sun

Perhaps YOU can think of a bar of gorgeousness which they`ve ruined and share your disgust for it with us?

*******

2/2 — Discontinuing Chocolate Bars

I used to love Topics, me.

But guess what, a short while back they stopped making them – no fucking explanation …

The Sun

Fucking twats.
Now I have to hand-craft an approximation to them from scratch by simultaneously shovelling raw hazelnuts and Milky Ways into my gob whilst masticating furiously to combine the ingredients `in ore meo`.

When will this lunacy end?

Perhaps YOU can think of a much-missed now deceased bar of gorgeousness and share your disgust and longing with us?

Nominated by: Sam Beau

84 thoughts on “Confectionary Bars x 2”

  1. I feel your pain. The marvelous Cabana bar was a real treat for me. Coconut, cherries and a layer of soft caramel, enrobed in chocolate. Bloody gorgeous, but, sadly, no more.

  2. All Cadbury’s products.

    Ruined by their new American owners and made in Poland.

    • The new owners of Cadbury’s made all sorts of promises when trying to take over the company but kept none of them. Cunts !
      They even tried to copyright the colour purple ffs. Happily, they were laughed out of court.

      • That would be Mondelez. They ruin everything they touch.

        Swedish Marabou chocolate (the stuff on Daim bars) used to be creamy gorgeousness.

        Now ruined by an asset stripping bunch of Shermans whose chocolate tastes like sweaty feet.

      • The yanks paid over the odds to get Cadbury’s an embarked on a nasty campaign of asset stripping to get their money back.
        The cunts are probably great supporters of BLM.

      • @Odin

        Marabou was fookin’ good stuff, now their chocolate is an oily muck.
        ‘Saw yesterday that Marabou have been forced into a massive product recall, probably someone got caught taking a shite in a cocoa hopper.

        Mondelez are top-fuckers for continuing to trade in Russia. Asset-stripping and culture stripping knobs

        Grump grump.

  3. I’ve made a important scientific discovery.

    Remember Cabana chocolate bars?

    Late 70s/early 80s,
    Around for a few years then did a Lord Lucan.
    Coconut and hint of cherry.

    Well, I saw some chocolate bars in B&M, called Cadburys Cherry Ripe.

    Think they’re for the US market,
    Taste exactly like Cabana bars.

    It flipped me!
    Better than crack cocaine.

    • My eyes will be peeled in B&M now. I normally walk around there in a haze of indifference.

    • Were they the Cocoa?
      Cocoa Cabanas?

      The hottest sport north of Havana?
      Music and passion were always the fashion

      No?

      Ok then.😞

  4. Reading this nom nearly made me spill my chocolate vanilla marshmallow cherry coriander-infused craft US West Coast black IPA.

  5. It’s important that if you see any of these words on a chocolate bar that you leave the fucking shit on the shelf……

    Cadbury
    Fry’s
    Rowntree
    Nestlé
    Terry’s
    Thorntons

    And of course Hershey.

    These are the worst chocolates in the world.

      • When I was a kid it was OK.
        A little more expensive than other chocolate bars so we had to steal them rather than pay.

        I had one a few years ago.

        It was a lot smaller than I remember, which was just as well.
        One bite and it went into the bin.

        How the fuck do they get so much sugar in one little bar?

      • They’re not the same as they once were though.

        The chocolate flavoured palm fat coating now vs the old ‘one bite and it all flakes off’ chocolate.

        The old chewy turkish delight which had a rose taste vs the modern coloured slab of almost taste free jelly.

        And then there’s that bloody awful burning sensation/after taste they now leave in the mouth.

        I gave them up as a lost cause a couple of years back, I’ve had a go at making my own, but haven’t mastered the turkish delight part yet, so cheat by hunting down a decent supply of the cubes of the stuff and coat them in chocolate.

        I’ve (sadly) got to add bounty bars to the shitlist, they just taste of ‘chemical’ and palm fat now, though happily, when I’m in the mood for them, they’re easy to make (dare I mention my Absinthe and Cherry Brandy variants?)

        The one from the past I still miss is the old Aztec bar.

    • Who is left, though, taking all those names away?. You could enjoy a “Mandelson Cottage Cream Bar”, I suppose, provided you didn’t mind the sore bum and court case afterwards

      • Exactly.

        Nobody is left.

        British chocolate is so fucking horrible and contains so little cocoa that it can’t be classed as chocolate anywhere else.

        It’s candy.

      • Green & Blácks Organic dark chocolate is fucking lovely. No shitty palm oil or other nasties. Tastier than normal choc.

      • Isn’t there some cunt called Tony who now sells expensive chocolate in the supermarkets?

        The fucker lured me in to reading the underside of the wrapper to impart his ‘big secret’ only to start wittering on about ending slavery in the cocoa trade.

        This was all news to me as;

        1) I was completely unaware of there being a cocoa slave trade.

        2) I was therefore also unaware that the secret to tasty, cheap chocolate was the existence of the cocoa slave trade.

        Cheers Tony, I’ll stick to the other stuff.

      • The main producers of the world’s cocoa are The Ivory Coast and Ghana.

        The only link that I can think of to the slave trade is that it must be produced in these African shit holes by níg nógs that were too fucking stupid to be considered for the cotton plantations.

  6. Quite frankly allowing bloody foreigners to meddle with our confectionery should be High Treason.

    Especially the Yanks,they know sweet fuck all about chocolate…apart from how to make it look and taste like plasticine.

    And which wicked cunts decided it was fine to miniaturise Mars Bars?

    Death by hanging.

    Good morning.

  7. Does anyone remember Aztec (made by Cadburys in the late 1960s)? – quite exotic and I was quite kinky for them in 1969 (not in a Marianne Faithful/Brain Jones Mars bar way, I hasten to add). Raisins, cherries and nice pre Kraft Cadburys Chocolate.

    • Aztecs, they survived to the late ’70s. There was only one shop in our area which still had any stocks of the things left after they’d stopped making them in ’78 and I still remember that dark day when I went into the shop and even before I’d a chance to ask, the old dear who ran it went ‘sorry son, we sold the last one this morning, I don’t suppose you’ll be wanting a mars bar instead?’

      Like the Aztec bar, that shop, which had sold sweets to at least four generations of locals, is now gone – converted by incomers into a house despite local objections (best planning dept money in brown envelopes can buy).

  9. We should take a minute to remember the fallen.

    Texan
    Cabana
    Amazin Raisin
    Bar six
    Old Jamaica
    Aztec

    And now the cruel cunts have discontinued Caramac and animal bars.

    They bang on about Israel killing Palestinians,
    Fuck them!!!

    The sword wielders in confectionery should be standing trial for war crimes.

  10. I buy my chocolate from Aldi, basically the same stuff, much cheaper, and the bars are really nice. Plus having 5 individually wrapped mini bars helps with not scoffing the fucking lot all at once.

  11. Used to frequent the penny tray in the newsagents after taking back a couple of pop bottles… black jacks, fruit salad and the UFO shaped sherbet filled pieces of alien delight 👽…. Couldn’t afford much chocolate so used to look at the couple of Caribbean kids in the next street and dream of eating them 😩

    • I’m sure Mr Cunt Engine will confirm that sherbert saucers are banned in Nevada, Utah, Colorado, Arizona, New Mexico and Wyoming as they are seen as cultural appropriation of a local minority.

  12. On a Friday after work (payday) my dad would buy everyone a chocolate bar.

    Often new ones to try,
    Yorkie being one I remember,
    I couldn’t bite through the fuckin thing!!!
    No wonder Peter Sutcliffe carried a hammer in the cab of his truck,
    Be for his Yorkie bars.

    But my mam had the same one every time.
    Old Jamaica.

    It was slightly more expensive.

    Us kids would beg for a piece.
    Please mum !!
    Awwsw go on just a little piece.

    It became in my mind the taste of opulence.
    The chocolate bar of the 1%.

    And now you can’t get it☹️

    Success is out of my reach.

    • Morning MNC. I always thought Icebraker chocolate bars were the height of sophistication. Something about the shiny blue wrapper and the tiny crunchy bits of mint, shining like stars amid the night sky of dark chocolate. See, I am turning into a poet just at the thought of a delicious Icebreaker. Alas, we will never see its like again.

      • Oh I loved Ice Breakers. Terry’s also did a mint blitz that was just as nice. I still miss Pink Panther bar’s and butter scotch. Why does no one produce butter scotch anymore😡 Werther’s Sweet’s aren’t a very good alternative either☹️

    • You can Mis, a shop local to me sells them. Fuck all like they used to be though. Try the Range they seem to sell them.
      Mind you a discerning cunter like your good self might feel the need to don a disguise.

    • @mis. Try ritter sport rum and raisin chocolate, 2% rum so watch out..
      sell it in tesco’s..
      Very nice chocolate..

    • Old Jamaica was thoroughly splendid.

      I imagine if they still made it then the inside of the wrapper would be a slavery reparations claim form.

      Cunts.

  14. Curly Wurly were great when I was a chavvy, you could have used them as a ladder to get up to the roof so big were they now you couldn’t scale a low kerb with em, typical of modern sharky business practices, give less charge more, unscrupulous cunts.

    • I remember the chocolate falling off them as you had to bite into it and pull.

    • Until 1983 Stockport fire brigade used Curlywurlys until they got funded for real ladders.

  15. Red bounty bars.

    Used to love them. Never heard of them here in the benighted colonies.

  16. Not just Topic, Sam. The cunts stopped making plain chocolate Bounty bars during covids in the hope no one would notice.

    As for Wispas, you can stick them up your arse. Apparently.

    When it comes to buying chocolates/chocolate bars I always look to Mr Paul Chuckle for advice on vfm, taste and so on. He put me right about Quality Street wrappers (ISaC passim) and that was good enough for me. Never again will I touch the nation’s erstwhile festive favourites.

    Good morning, everyone.

  17. If you can find them there is a Terry’s chocolate orange, but with mint flavouring instead. We had a couple or six for Christmas.

    • How, in the name of all things sacred, can you justify a mint orange?
      🍊🤯

    • Terry’s also made the Pyramint.
      David Icke may have complained, thinking them some form of evil totem. They were made from dark chocolate, after all.

  19. When I was in the army cadets, we were given ‘compo’ rations which contained among other things Tiffin bars. Never see them anymore.
    Lots of things gone, Punch bars, Frys cream bars, Picnics, Mintolas and I haven’t seen Rollos for ages.

  20. What has a hazelnut in every bite?

    Squirrel shit.

    Old but gold.

  21. Walnut Whip
    Texan Bar (the dentists dream)

    Are they still available?

  22. Creme Brûlée.

    Or more specifically, chefs who think they can improve a creme brûlée by putting other shit in or on it. It does not need tea infusing into the cream you cunts. Neither does it need blobs of wet fruit or other shite dropped onto the crispy burned sugar on top. They make the crispy burned sugar turn into a wet fucking puddle on top.

    You can’t improve it, only ruin it. Leave the fucker alone! If you can’t leave it alone at least call it “ruined creme brûlée” on the menu so I don’t have to send it back and refuse to pay for it and then get shit off my wife all night for being an embarrassing cunt.

    • Spot on fatjon! Commonly known in the catering trade as “virgin’s tits”. If you get one made by an expert (like my wife) and turned out on a plate, not served in a bloody dish, you’ll know why immediately. Takes you straight back to your early teens.

  23. Sam Beau “masticating furiously…”
    That’s the way to start the day!
    Morning all. 😃

  24. I remember the specky milky bar kid holding up 5 boys and robbing them of their chocolate, because it tasted better than theirs.

  25. Had to laugh last night when whale tongue lost out on the chance of winning his first ever trophy success. Let’s hope it stays that way due to finding out his celebrations would be to chomp on his favourite chocolate bar, which could end up killing him if in any future successes are ever achieved, in the same way it did for the Elephant Man who wanted to sleep normally on his back.

  26. Cadbury Snaps were a favourite of mine. I know you can get own brand versions of them but it isn’t the same.

  27. I remember white Maltesers, when Mars was going through its ‘far-right’ phase.

  28. I was always lead to believe that white chocolate was out of date ordinary confectionery that had “gone off” simply to a white dog turd that hadn’t been bagged and binned.

    • Milk Tray and Vienetta were glamourous. It’s the sort of thing James Bond would’ve eaten on a train to Instanbul.

    • I’ve never even heard of it. Or some if the others mentioned in this nom.

    • I remember them. Brilliant. I once ate a whole one at one sitting. I was very rich back then.

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