Useless Supermarket Products

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Whilst in my local supermarket the other day I was greeted by a fully stocked shelf of Ant* Killer.

Firstly, I don`t have any ants, so why are they stocking this product?

Secondly, on closer inspection of the container, there appeared to be no ants supplied with it – again, what`s the point? – If they`d have had a box of ants stuck on the side of it, I may have been tempted to buy it (and even pay a little extra), but no.

To exacerbate my fury even further when I asked Customer Services if they sold any ants they said quite firmly `no – you`ll have to find some yourself`.
What a carry on.
I won`t be shopping in there again.

* Also applies to wasps, mosquitos and other beetles, etc.

Nominated by: Sam Beau

74 thoughts on “Useless Supermarket Products”

  1. Fuck that.

    Just use the tried and trusted method of pouring boiling water down the nest.

    You can almost hear their delicious screams of agony as you do it

    Most satisfying.

    • My old granny used to do that in the 70s had my Grandad rip up the garden path and went on an ant genocide, when the ants had had enough they moved in her front room.

  2. Should have stopped at useless supermarkets, Sam.

    I sometimes wonder if they think we’re all illiterate. You know, buy 500g for £10 ( £2 off) or buy 2 x 250g for £7.

    Oh, let me think!

      • Their fucking clubcard labelling should be outlawed for being fraudulent. I’ve heard stories of people buying stuff based on the clubcard price with no attempt by staff to correct them.

    • or even innumerate.

      Same principle for the national lottery. pay into a pot with ridiculously lows off winning, and even then, your share of the winnings is modest.

      Tax people for their greed and stupidity.

  3. If you want ants, I can give you millions of the little bastards, for free. Just bring a skip and a mini digger.

  4. Mme Beau,

    I live in the country and should the need arise and you choose to buy ant killer, I would be happy to ship you however many ants you so desire.

    Not sure about the import laws…or if English ant killer will work on American ants…but my offer is genuine.

    You don’t want any of our wasps. They’re fucking huge! The other day I saw one carrying away a calf.

    • Would English Ant-killer wotk on American ants if hidden in cheeseburgers and hot dogs?
      Although surely an American ‘ant’ is an English ‘aunt’ (credit to Roald Dahl).

  5. If I were you Sam I’d write to the CEO demanding that the supermarket stocks ants.
    Containing all that useful formic acid, as they do, they could be sold as limescale remover.

  6. This is a thought provoking nomination.

    Upon some reflection, I too find it odd that a supermarket would sell ant killer.

    But it makes perfect sense to me that they don’t sell ants.

  7. It’s the same with slugs. Home Bargains sell a killer (that they seem to thrive on ) but dont stock the slimy fuckers.

    • Slugs are repulsive, and now effective slug pellets are banned because of the potential danger to cats , dogs and children.

      Well, if your feral pet or child can get inside my 6 foot high triple padlocked gate, onto my 6 foot fenced garden, they deserve everything that’s coming to them.

      It’s secured for a reason. Keep them indoors, or on a leash, especially the kid.

  8. You should have gone to Harrods for your ants.

    Apparently, if you ask for ants they reply…….

    “Would sir like African or Indian ants?”.

    Or something like that.

      • There’s a great deal on Adam and the Ants on Amazon. If you buy all the sheet music, they’ll throw in a stand and deliver.

    • The very definition of Structural Racism.

      What if someone wants ants from Shitholia or Bumfuckistan?

      • Is there a bumfuckistan? a lot of these -stans aren’t that keen on bumfucking.
        Could be Brighton, I suppose.

      • Hey Cuntamus,

        Americans often make up names for little out of the way Shithole countries. My old man always referred to Lower Slobowbbia. (Not sure of his spelling but it was pronounced Slow bow bia.)

        Far more common was Bumfuck, Egypt often shortened to BFE. Abbreviations like that were often used for mail delivery in rural America i.e. RFD.

        Bumfuckistan is a more recent incarnation. Sometimes you hear Shitholistan, Goatfuckistan, Ragheadistan or others.

        We also refer to little small “in the middle of nowhere” towns in the States like that. You hear of mythical places like Snakejaw, Idaho or Rebel Corners Mississippi. Often followed by; “It’s not the end of the Earth. But you can see it from there.”

        I understand there are some places in Scotland named in a similar fashion. Khyber Corners…Sheep Shagistan…

  10. That’s a deodorant called ant killer,Sam..

    Slap some of that on, and all day you will be walking in formation.. and up the greggs counter every hour for a jam doughnut..

    Just keep a lookout for anteaters.

  11. Me: Hello, I’d like to buy a wasp, please.
    Pet Shop Owner: Sorry sir, we don’t sell wasps.
    Me: Oh, you’ve got loads in the window.

  12. Ant nest in the lawn?

    Pour some diesel down the access hole and light.

    Voila, ant nest gone and filthy shit they have produced is rendered inert. Safe and controlled provided you don’t use petrol. In which case, eyebrows are optional.

    • Some years ago Paul when I was bored one afternoon I amused myself by electrolysing some salt water in a basin, collecting the hydrogen in a small glass and igniting it to see the flash and hear it pop. Then I got a big jar and filled it with hydrogen. The wife walked in and asked what the popping sounds were. I handed her the jar and told her to hold a lit match over it. I can only think it had mixed with the air in the right stoichiometric ratio because there was a brilliant blue flash and a loud bang. You wouldn’t believe the names she called me.

    • Is the access hole the one with the tiny signs marked with luminous green and black chevrons?

  14. * not stocked in Scotland to avoid being prosecuted for hate crimes. #AntLivesMatter.

  15. Mrs Twatt’s family hail from snake country – the Brendon Hills in Somerset.
    Her mother told me once that when her brother was little he used used to catch adders and drop them onto an ant hill. Protecting their nest, the ants would emerge and sting the snake to death.

    I think he was called Fred West.

    • My uncle Fred was from Gloucester not Somerset. He was much misunderstood.

  16. A combined Architect, Doctor and Civil Engineer Killer would sell well in Dover. Upon reflection, it would sell well in most places but would only work on runaway blokes under 30.

  17. This whole matter has been brought on by systemic racisms.

    They would have sold you a big bag of ants(and likely at a discount) if you were a white middle aged bloke.

    Get in touch with the Home Office at once,you’ll either get a highly paid job about telling how not to be the Racists or compensation.

    Or both.

    Good luck Sam.

    • Only if they’re a parent’s female sibling and American.

      (sorry admin. Blame Roald Dahl).

  19. TBF Not that bothered about 🐜 they are hard working and industrious, it’s the 6ft roaches that have took a foothold I’m more concerned with 🪳….we need an old fashioned roach finder general

  20. Great nom, Sam, but supermarkets also sell brilliant stuff.

    I bought some GorillaTape, but then found that you could get Tyrannosaurus Tape! Must be even stronger. Fucking excellent. No self respecting serial killer would leave home without a couple of rolls.

    Good morning, everyone.

  21. Our place sells bird seed, .. but who has time to plant birds and wait for them to grow?

    Especially when you can get them going cheep at the pet place.

  24. Due to the missing letter U on the tin, our aunts were spared the agony of a painful death.

  25. Noticing the spray also kills cockroaches, we Northerners call “blackjacks.” Its given me the idea of buying a few tins, especially if their names a Jack.

  27. Why would you want to kill crickets with the new cricket season on the way ? The moths eating your clothes are the little bastards more prevalent for the death penalty. To save money on spray and the inconvenience of it getting on food, I vacuum a few spiders firstly, then start on the moths to feed them.

  28. In the Islamic Republic of Sweden we have a type of ant called a ‘piss ant’.

    Little fuckers excrete itchy-scratchy nastiness.

    Elimination via WD40 or hair-spray is fun. With the hair spray you have the extra benefit of paralysing them before ignition.

    Burn baby burn.

    • Many older cunters will remember the game kids used to play for hours in the fifties MCC, involving ants, sunshine and a magnifying glass.

  29. Morning one, morning all.

    I find the ‘Flammenwaffe Method’ works well. Tin of something flammable, and a lighter. Burn offenders (wasps, ants, hornets, NEVER bees!) to a crisp.

    Looks – and feels – spectacular.

    You’re welcome.

    • Wasps hate Diesel, it fucks them up.

      Always keep a beer tin (other tins are available) full if diesel on the window sill.

      Percy Thrower taught me that.

  30. Remembered living in the YMCA years ago and due to the tight space, I’d spilt some fruit juice in a cupboard and within moments was overran with ants. Just a warning to you students going out on the razzle.

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