Constipation, no shit!

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(Yes, this was intentionally scheduled in time for brekkie, hahaha! – Day Admin)

Ah, those simple pleasures in life; a succulent steak, a good sleep, a fine wine, a leisurely piss, a vigorous, deeply satisfying shag. And let’s not forget that daily commune with nature, involving a comfortable, rewarding sit in the bathroom with a companiable novel for company.

Except that for the last few days, my daily commune has been anything but comfortable or rewarding, due to a bad case of the lincoln log. Indeed, my bathroom visits became increasingly stressful as I struggled for relief; even when I did manage to squeeze out a portion it was like shitting out a lump of coal. It’s bloody miserable and no mistake when you feel that you need the assistance of a stick or a chisel to accomplish your aim.

Luckily release finally came due to the good offices of our GP, who prescribed something called ‘Ispaghula Husk’, a natural remedy prepared in the form of powder which is taken in water.

Oh, the sheer bliss when after two or three of these drinks, normal service began to be resumed. Talk about a load of my mind. I’ll be keeping this magical remedy in
hand in future to make sure that I won’t be faecally challenged again any time soon.

Constipation is a real cunt. Take my advice cunters, don’t let it get you in its grip.

NHS

Nominated by: Ron Knee

127 thoughts on “Constipation, no shit!”

  2. If you suffer with this teeth clenching, eyeball popping condition, just partake of one of MNC’s cook in the bag chicken delights.

    Guaranteed to open the sluice gates. 👍

    Again and again and again .

    Good morning 🌄👍

  3. A pint of freshly squeezed orange juice, fresh ripe figs and a lump of licorice root to chew on usually gets it shifting naturally.

  4. Last year I had nervous constipation brought about by severe stress and at times, wouldn’t be able to shit for up to 6 days. As you can imagine, I was walking around looking like a pregnant woman most of the time.

    Still though, I think constipation is far better than chronic, explosive diarrhea.

  6. Your stools are the window to your soul they say.

    Constipation is normally a sign your a skinflint.
    FACT.
    It’s normally the ailment of miser’s, Israelites, money lenders, pawn shop owners and Scotsmen .

    Diarrhea on the other hand is a sign of a pure heart.
    Of generosity of spirit,
    And normally suffered by people too good for this earth.

      • Fook me !

        Where did you buy that chicken from ?

        The local Pólak mini mart ? 🤮

        Or did you steal it off someone’s allotment ?

        God is punishing you.

        Repent, sinner.

      • Tell you Jack, those fuckin bag things.

        Missus Miserable said

        ” Mines still a bit pink”
        And shrewdly didn’t eat it.

        But I’d eaten half of mine before we noticed.

        Christ, I’ve learnt my lesson.
        If it hasn’t been cremated
        Don’t eat it.

      • I would be highly suspicious of Mrs. Miserable’s behaviour here.

        She watched you eat half of yours before making her announcement ?

        There’s a smell of treachery in the air, as well as shit.

        Did she recently purchase a life insurance policy for you ? 😁

        From that nice Carol Vorderman ?

        You have a problem.

        Check the brakes on your van.

        You’re a marked man.

      • Jack@

        If I’m found 6stone, dead in a puddle of liquid shite,
        Seek justice for me.

        It’s clear where to point the finger at the guilty party.

        I hope she does a life sentence.

      • What if she offers me half the insurance and your Country Cream gates ?

        It’s a tempting offer 🤔

  7. A quick question admin, where did you get the political candidate list for Whitechapel?

  8. My dad used to take the radio into the bog with him and listen to the Test Match. He could spend an entire 2 hour session in there. Fuck knows what he was doing.

  9. Get constipation sorted or there’s only one hole it’s going to come out of…

    Mind you, there’s a few I could name where it comes naturally.

      • Look in now and again, Ron, but the site’s lost it’s way a bit for me, now. Miss the regulars that have gone who used to make me laugh. The ‘Waaaaa!’ button, too. All well though, ta, and I trust you are, too.

  10. Kweer Charmer looks as though he has suffered constipation since birth – he is probably waiting for Matron Thornberry to give him a really deep penetrating, satisfying enema, with Streeting licking off the excess.

    He needs to be careful though, not to upset Putin, because Putin threatend yesterday to kill his opponents even if they are sitting on the lavatory. Imagine poor old Kweer, slumped on the pan, with blood bespattered over the door. That door has seen a lot of abuse, where Kweer’s teethmarks can be seen upon it – that is the real definition of strain – teethmarks on the lavatory door.

    • Blimey you’re right WC.

      Old Sir Keir does have that look of permanent strain about him.

      • It could be because the shite that should be coming out of his arse is actually coming out of his mouth and he hates the taste

    • Ha!ha!
      Teethmarks on the bog door.
      Haven’t heard that in years. My Mother used to say that.

  13. There’s a saying on here I don’t use that could be the problem and its about our famous deerstalker wearing detective having lack of the substance on this mornings menu.

  14. Easy and cheap remedy.
    Raw mussels from the rocks at Bridlington. Yorkshire Water approved.

    You may be on a drip for a bit.

  15. Undercooked pork.

    I thought that it was a bit pink while I was eating it but carried on anyway.

    The next day, a few hours into a six hour drive I started to get back ache.
    I thought that I had slept awkwardly in an unfamiliar hotel bed.

    Then I realised that I really needed a shit.

    The few places where I could stop would have seen me running through a bar to the bogs.
    There was no way that I could manage that without shitting myself in public.

    I had to keep driving to get home.

    It was getting worse.
    I was now an hour or so from home.

    I was off the motorway but ahead I saw a police road block on the roundabout.

    If they stop me I would have not been able to hold in the now painful shit.

    Thank God they waved me through.

    20 minutes later I was just turning into my street.
    30 seconds from home.

    I don’t know if it was the relief of getting home that caused it, but my arse collapsed and I found myself sitting on a pile of warm, soft shit.

    I was stunned.
    I just sat there in my van in a mixture of shock and relief.

    There I was, a respected pillar of the community, marinating in my own foulage.

    Luckily my clothes were in a bag in the front of the van and not in the back.
    I managed to slide myself out of my shat in clothes and with the help of an entire box of window wipes I cleaned myself up.

    A spare pair of trousers and after dumping my horribly shat chinos in a bin I got home.

    Mrs Cunter thought that it was hilarious and often repeats the story at our dinner parties.

    Enjoy your breakfasts.

    • There’s a moral in there somewhere Artful, if we could just figure out what it is…

    • Im With Mrs Cunter on this one, Great story. Especially over dinner. A close mate had to go to india for a school project. On the flight hom he thought he we go cofortable and go the grey track pants in the seat. With his duaghter sleeping he had a bit of a rumble and though it safe to let a fart out. The dodgy vindalooo went first sadly so badly he also shat the plane seat.

  16. As a master, award winning shit-cake baker, I am somewhat of an expert in the art of squeezing out shit-cakes out of a morning.

    Baked overnight and delivered fresh after breakfast, they are always perfect in consistency, slipping out with the greatest of ease.

    I have, however, nothing but sympathy for those afflicted with the dreaded constipation. But DON’T STRAIN, or you’ll likely end up with a nasty case of haemorrhoids, as evinced in Mr Cuntis_cuntis’s recent disturbing nomination.

    Top tips for avoiding constipation include: drink lots of water and/or beer, and ensure that you have plenty of roughage and bananas in your diet.

    Hence the old adage: “A banana or two a day keeps the constipation at bay.”

    Probably explains why blacks rarely suffer from constipation.

    • Going back to the ‘straplines nom, ExLax should maybe use ‘a shit a day helps you work, rest and play’.

      • I thought of a late one for the straplines:

        Angela Rayner “I can open my mouth almost as wide as my legs”

    • Bananas have the opposite effect on me. bind me up something rotten. I find 2 ryvitas a day keeps the blockage away💩

      • It’s an odd one with bananas.

        The wife has coeliac disorder, and gets a review of her condition every so often at gastroentology.

        One time she went and saw a nurse prior to seeing the consultant for a dietary review, and was told to avoid bananas for that reason.

        Next time she went, a different nurse told her the opposite.

  17. A daily bowl of All-Bran will keep you regular.
    In the header pic, is the NHS regarding the public as seven year olds or retards?
    Poo indeed! FFS🙄

    • When I spoke to our GP, she used the word ‘stool’. Strikes me as a bit of an odd word that.

      ‘How are your stools? Are they hard?’

      ‘Quite comfortable to sit on doctor, but I don’t see the relevance to my problem’.

      • Ha! ha! Ron.
        I think it might be an Old English term.
        Glad to hear you are regular.
        I had real problems before Christmas but took Mrs C’s advice and went down the All Bran route which sorted it.
        A pint of Bass used to be a sovereign cure for being bunged up, but you can’t get it now.

      • It’s an odd one to my mind. I’ve only ever heard it used by medical types (the wife’s gastroentology unit people are the same).

        We’ve all heard a multitude of terms used over the years; shit, dump, crap, cack and so on, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard anybody say something like ‘I really need to go for a stool’.

      • Yeah trust the Krauts to sound all ‘martial’ about it. Only they could come up with so functional a sounding term as ‘bustenhalter’ for that most feminine of garments the brassiere.

        Now the Spaniards, they say ‘el proceso estrenido’. It’s got a bit of romance about it.

      • @LL, isn’t Verstopfung a Dutch Formula 1 driver?

        @Ron, brilliant subject! Shit stories are always a top laugh!

      • @C_C.

        Thanks. I try to post about things that fellow cunters will hopefully find a bit of humour in.

        Toilet humour’s always been like that.

      • “Opening the bowels”…
        Reminds me of Jonesy’s van conversion in Dad’s Army. –
        “Open, two, three, bang two, three!”

  18. I’m going to use the header plccy as a screen saver, or what’s app profile…😂

  19. At least the extremes of constipation and shitting through the eye of a needle are better than having to use a colostomy bag.

    The story of the Three Bears could be used to help children, in a version of explaining the extremes of bowel movements. It could already out there, if you pardon the pun.

  21. Did you hear about the chartered accountant who had severe constipation?.

    He had a serious problem – so he worked it out with a pencil.

    I’ll get my coat….

  22. This subject is an embarrassment to most people, but it helps us to open up by using our comedic names and help us to have something to go on. A couple of puns had to be used, to get things moving.

  23. Is it just me?

    When standing to have a piss if you suddenly sneeze the bomb doors involuntary open and a turd forcibly shoots out.

    • Sometimes Artful, I do the reverse. Have a cracking shite and need a piss immediately afterwards. At least it helps the giant turd to flush round the u-bend. Otherwise I normally have to use a junior hacksaw to help get rid of it.

      • Its also occurred to me if any of you ex navel chaps have referred the bog as being a torpedo launcher ?

  24. Morning one, morning all,

    A timely post regarding cack.

    I had a couple of bottles of our homebrewed Wheat Beer yesterday afternoon. Very nice it was, too.

    Fuck me bald, though. The farts are EXPLOSIVELY loud and could strip paint. Honestly, my ringpiece sounded like the frontline in Donetsk last night. I woke myself up twice.

    As for this morning, I feel like I’ve been turned inside out.

    Reckon that’s yeast? We drink quite a lot of beer in C_C Towers but this is some next level shit. Quite literally.

  27. This nom is full of shit.

    A man or womans relationship with the toilet should be an entirely private matter, there is nothing more annoying than some cunt shouting through the door ‘what are you doing in there’ 😂

  28. Rishi Sunak is like a dose of constipation. You know you need to get rid of him, but is is very fucking hard.

    Good morning, everyone.

    • Well that cunt has left the country bloated,listless and in dire need of a fucking good clear out..

      Good shout 20k.

    • What’s the diff between Rishi Sunak and a turd?

      One’s thick, brown and can be devil to flush. The other’s a turd.

      Ok, I’ll get me coat…

    • Sound advice to wash fruit well before eating Sammy. You never know who’s been handing those Moroccan tomatoes or South African grapes.

      • I think positive Ron, that a randy fit tart packing plums l’d just eaten, had wanked off and fingers still dripping with love juice.

  30. Half a lemon squeezed into a glass of warm water followed by a massive bowl of porridge oats.

    Usually keeps me regular anyway.

    Constipation can be a right cunt.

    Just ask Dame Kweer.

    Good late morning.

    • Its good to see IsAC, as well as doing its primary function of cunting the worlds cunts, is also a mine of information, hints and tips for life’s ills.

      • To sort you problem out, Mis.

        May I recommend a diet of boiled water and slightly burned white toast.

        You’ll be back on solids in a couple of days.

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