People who send Christmas Round Robins (2) …

… are smug, self-congratulatory, deluded cunts.

As predictable as bottom wind at 7pm on Christmas evening, I await our ‘friend’ Bunty’s annual 4-page mélange of family achievement – Hugo’s Grade 4 violin, Poppy’s rosettes at the Pony Club Gymkhana, husband Roger’s promotion and the new friends Bunty made at Holistic Pilates, all spiced with a dash of name dropping and faux concern for others less fortunate. Wonderful holidays, wonderful family, wonderful life.

The irony is that had she consulted Debretts, the bible of social mores, Bunty would have found that Christmas Round Robins are a definite no-no:

The Christmas Card Conundrum

So for fellow cunters who are the recipients of these unwanted tomes, I offer the following 10-point Bullshit Translation Plan:

1. ‘Hugo was the star of the Nativity Play’.
– Hugo was fourth shepherd on the left and forgot his one line.

2. ‘Poppy can’t decide between Oxford and Cambridge’.
– Poppy will be lucky to get into Diversity Studies at East London.

3. ‘Roger came into some money and invested it in a Porsche Turbo Cabriolet’.
– Roger’s Aunt Betty croaked and he is using the inheritance to fund his mid-life crisis.

4. ‘Poppy split up with her boyfriend when she decided he wasn’t right for her’.
– He fancied it up the arse and she was having none of it.

5. ‘St Swithin’s have moved Hugo to a class more suited to his needs’.
– The remedial class.

6. ‘Here is a photo of us at our little hideaway on Bali’.
– I’ve photoshopped out Poppy’s tattoos.

7. ‘We had a chat with the Beckhams at Wimbledon this year’.
– I asked David for an autograph and his bag of bones told me to piss off.

8. ‘Roger went to Magaluf in May for a golfing weekend with Brian from Accounts and Justin from Marketing’.
– Roger went to Magaluf in May for a dirty weekend with Lucy, the airheaded little trollop from the typing pool.

9. ‘Mr Snugglekins our cat continues to bring us great joy and pleasure’.
– The fucking thing keeps leaving half-eaten mice on the doorstep.

10. ‘The Christmas illuminations in the village warm the heart at this time of year’.
– The council houses are all lit up with tacky Chinese tat. Yuk!

Merry Christmas Bunty, you stuck up bitch.

(Names have been changed to preserve anonymity. and avoid legal action.)

Nominated by: Geordie Twatt

55 thoughts on “People who send Christmas Round Robins (2) …

  1. My reaction on receiving this kind of communication would be

    ” Who the fuck are these people and how did they get my address?”.

    It’s even tackier when they send a festive email, low-rent scum.

    I’ll be laughing about this all day, especially number 6, cheers, GT.

  2. How self absorbed would you need to be to think people give a flying fuck? Katie Prices yearly summary wouid be a be a giggle though.

  3. It may be nice to add a note at the bottom of the Christmas card e.g. I’ve retired now.
    But this bollocks they print off really is nauseating. I’ve had them that start like the cat one above “continues to bring us joy”. Have they any idea of what the recipient says on reading this?

  4. When I lived in Brum up until about 4 years ago I used to receive these saddo-bragging cards from work colleagues who were so desperate to make themselves look like social success stories when in fact they were just desperate for an announce of attention.

  5. I would of thought round robins would be obsolete now, thanks to facefuck..
    24/7 bullshit on tap..

    And anyway with the state of the Royal mail you won’t receive it till February.

  6. Fucking great nom. Although I your attempt to change names for legal reasons could fall on stoney ground, as I reckon there really is a family with those very names, doing the exact things you describe.
    Fortunately, as I’m not a pretend upper middle class wanker, I don’t get subjected to such shit. Unless you include the obligatory Facebook ‘friends’ with perfect lives, perfect partners, perfect kids and perfect holidays.
    I’m instead currently living in fear of the first Christmas WhatsApp group I never asked to be invited to, which will dictate to me this years enforced jollity with people I don’t like.
    Merry fucking Christmas, you cunts!

  7. I think cunters might like my boasting round robin this year; it’s been quite an interesting few months.
    Finally completed my Frtizl dungeon back in February where I finished off Paul Cattermole from S Club 7, Sinead O’Connor and Annabel Giles.
    Sinead was a squirter.
    Of blood from her neck.

  8. Here are some updates from IsaC’s own Holiday Round Robin:

    From Joe Biden:

    This time of year means a lot to me as I was there when they nailed Jesus to the cross.

    From Kamala Harris:

    This is the Christmas Season when Christmas is celebrated throughout the Season, and the Season represents Christmas as the Season of Christmas celebration.

    From Rishi Sunak

    As a boy I waited for Kali to bring me a gift but I never got one. This year I got the Prime Minister’s job.

    From Meghan Markle:

    As a girl I waited in vain for Santa to bring me something. I found out he didn’t because one of his elves, who shall remain nameless, was a racist.

    From Johnny Depp:

    Santa shit in my stocking last year.

    From Amber Heard:

    I shit in Johnny’s stocking last year.

    From Auntie Beeb:

    Racist Santa’s reindeer’s farts are a major contributor to climate change.

    I feel sure there are many more.

  9. Fucking great start to the day reading that.
    We only get 2, one from the States other from Oz.
    People we know in the UK are normal cunts who don’t do anything to write about.

    • Clive sent Robin round to the BBC with his black mate Ephraim to spunk all over the Director General and kill everyone at Broadcasting House then burn it to the ground.
      Unfortunately they lost their way and returned later after wanking down Lambeth with sheepish looks on their faces.
      Good morning.

  10. I have not been sent a round robing message. However, we did once get a few self-righteous ‘We are not sending cards this year….instead we giving a donation to Black Architects against Oil” type shitty emails. It soon stopped, however, as we didn’t bother to send the fuckers a card or a fucking virtue signalling email. Anyway, everyone knows the cheapskate cunts will have donated fuck all to charity.

    A nice hand written card (with picture of Father Christmas, snowman, carol singers, or baby Jesus in a manger) complete with at least 75p postage paid is the least a friend or acquaintance will manage.

    Good morning, everyone.

  11. Good Morning

    We use to get a couple of pretentious Christmas letters every year, one from a cousin whose wonderful daughter was an absolute trollop and whose son was sufficiently autistic that I am surprised he was never certified.
    The only one I found amusing was from a mate whose letter started his letter saying he had a new job and his salary was so Fucking much he had it tattooed on his forehead. His wonderful wife had given birth to twins during the year, just a pity they were black and his son had the most tremendous gap year, surfing in Bali but had a wee in hospital with a dose of the clap. I think he also mentioned the dog had to be put down but they had a fireside rug made from the skin so he would always be with them.
    Anyway now it is December I guess I can say Happy Christmas to everyone on here!

  12. Many years ago my mother recieved one from my cousin.
    She scrawled across it; ‘What a load of bollocks’, and returned it.
    Never heard from that side of the family again. 😃👍

  13. Bah fucking humbug!

    The comical side of Christmas are the Facebook brigade who have, for example, 500 friends…. ‘A merry Christmas to all my friends and a happy new year’, no chance of sending cards or even email because they are such great friends they don’t have a single address 😂

    • 500 friends?
      I don’t know 500 people.

      I think i got up to 50 on Facebook once upon a time. Most turned out to be cunts online so it soon dropped back to 15-20.

      Then I deactivated it.

      • The friends on Facebook consist of people they met on a bus/train and exchanged Facebook details, will never meet again, will be forgotten the second they click on ‘accept’ and just become 1 of 500 similar cunts.

  14. I sending Robin round to curtail all this nonsense each year, besides giving my version of tragedy to upset the smug bastards.

  15. I really don’t think anyone I know personally want to hear about my continued descent into alcoholism and how my thinly veiled contempt for all mankind is now fully transparent.

    They may have already guessed that at some point through the year.

  16. I’m no longer on the pile of wank that is Facebook and feel all the better for it. Used to make me laugh though this time of the year, the council estate scratters sending Christmas Greetings with a picture of him and her and their seven kids all wearing the same Xmas onesie.

    • Did sny of them beg for cash or post links to JustGiving/FundMe pages. Lots of ‘motivational’ cuntery and #BeKind bollocks.

      Facebook didn’t announce it changed into a wetter version mumsnet. What a parade of entitled Karens and Mardy depressed millennial Beta males.

  17. I do the bare minimum for Christmas. Cards for each nan, parents and the Brother and his family, a few toys for thr kids. A few pints for mates, and a christmas dinner.

    The tree, lights, decorations, and stodgy ‘party food’ can fuck off.

  18. I got one from Diane Abbott.

    “Well what a year its been! I have finally found that other left shoe and James hasn’t bitten anyone all year. I’m still a committed anti-racist and have attended every pro-Philistine march in London and supporting the resistance movements, Hummus and Jezzbollah. Thankfully the most vulnerable people in the world won’t be sent to Wakanda after the Supreme Court ruled it illegal, and quite right too, I have seen Hotel Rwanda, what a shitheap. Anyway, have a merry non-traditional winter holiday all and I’m now off to the local abattoir to ask about getting some pigs in blankets”.

    • My sister married a yank, went to live in Florida and started sending these things out to everyone. Pretentious cunt. It was fucking embarrassing.

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