Channel 5 (6)

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Heat. The new Channel 5 drama which gives Danny Dyer the chance to expand his repertoire of playing Cockerknee geezers.

This time in Australia, appropriately enough for a cunt, down under.
My dearest was watching this pile of dingo droppings so I looked in.

Danny drives many miles into the bush ( behave yourself) on dirt track roads and arrived in big white Nissan 4×4 without a speck of dust or a squashed bug anywhere. Aye, right.
And amazingly every body has good mobile phone signal.
They have this 10 second recording of an Aussie bird, maybe a magpie. And just to remind us that this is not the garden in Albert Square this recording is played every so often.

They head off for a picnic in the bush with Desperate Danny swinging a big esky like a pouftahs man bag. Obviously totally empty. Nobody worries about lethal snakes, spiders or other friendly Aus fauna.
And all the time Danny gives his best mentally torn Mick of Ears Endahs performance.
I could go on. And on.

So I am cunting Chanel No. Five for this malodorous heap of I-am-almost-a-sleb-get-me-a-job shite.

Nominated by Bushman.

I am letting this pass as it seems like your first cunting. However, please include a link with any cunting you offer in future should you want it posting. C.A.

80 thoughts on “Channel 5 (6)”

  1. Is he on holiday while the Queen Vic is being refurbished?

    You can’t cunt Danny dyer, he is related to Henry the fuckin eighth.

  2. Still, could be worse.
    Imagine if the rest of the cast were a collection of mockney wankers too.
    ‘Arry Redknapp giving it knees up muvva brahn. Jamie Oliver drooling saliva whilst Ray Winstone growls incoherently about online betting.
    All before the finale where they have a straightener on the cobbles.
    Gertcha!

    • G”day Bushman.
      Bonza first nom 👍

      I like Aussies.
      It’s strange because I despise all other foreigners?

      I was watching opal hunters and their Land Rover broke down in the outback.
      Back wheel fucked and axle.

      Pickle me grandmother!!

      They called a mate.
      He made a sledge for the back end and towed them home.

      Now that impressed me.

      French would of rioted
      Greeks would start a forest fire.
      Yanks cried and made up a conspiracy theory.

      Not a Aussie.
      Cool heads prevail.

      Ps
      Your beers fuckin shite though.
      Virgins piss.
      You need to sort it out.

      • I saw one episode where Rod was down a mine and there was a cave in, pinning his arm. Luckily the other old fella was up top and he called for help, a rusty saw and a carton of beer.

      • Rods great LL.

        A embassador for Australia.👍

        Nowt phases him.
        He’s fair dinkum.

      • Should have been Crocodile Dundee rather than Paul Hogan.

        A missed opportunity by the Aussies there.

        ‘Crocodile Dundee in Coober Pedy: Pickle Me Grandmother’

  4. I don’t think that I’ve ever watched a single thing on Channel 5, ever.

    I’m sure that anything with that cunt Danny Dire in it isn’t going to get me to lose my virginity.

    • Oi oi!!
      Wotcha pistol fingers!

      Them geezers on ISAC are well moody ain’t they?

      I said you wanna tear up gents?
      Straight in an out
      No shooters
      Love a duck.
      Suck me threpennies!!
      Who’s ya fackin daddy?

      And other incomprehensible bollocks from Bethnal green

      • The only incomprehensible bollocks from Bethnal Green these days is spoken in Urdu and Punjabi. Unless you count Alan’s Snackbar.

      • Nowadays, incomprehensible bollocks form Bethnal Green is in Arabic.

      • Fuck me Freddie. We’re typing much the same shit at the same time.
        Would you Adam and Eve it?

    • Oh come on Ron! Surely you and Mrs K tuned into Keith Chegwin’s ‘Naked Jungle’.

  5. An deserved nom as Channel 5 is utter cunt.

    However, its sister channel 5 USA is the absolute peak of quality entertainment. Wall to wall Liv Benson kicking pervo ass late into the night. Marvellous accompaniment to a cup of hot chocolate. Sweet dreams indeed.

    • Stopped watching her shit yonks ago. Surely she only made a mark in the SVU early days via the support of other well known actors?
      Then they all fucked off, so she had to start producing the show herself. Then got promoted so fucking fast she must have got nosebleed! Yet as a police Captain she is still hitting the streets! I think she probably writes alot of this shit herself!
      Ain’t seen her in anything else for the last twenty years – enough said.

      • Hi Cassandra, sorry you have gone off Liv! Some episodes were written by some cunt called Speed Weed ffs. They were crap.

        Love it the way Liv is taken hostage every now and then and has to talk down the psycho. I particularly enjoyed the one where she took an iron bedpost to some cunt’s legs. Later, she played Russian roulette with the same cunt. Beat him, obviously. Brilliant. Can’t wait for tonight’s episodes….

      • SVU has turned crap since the ludicrous story line about Olivia’s ‘son’ Noah.

        Also she has turned into a man.

        Criminal Intent went the same way when they repeatedly featured Goran’s nemesis. Some posh, blonde, English tart.

        2 good spin-offs from the longest running drama series in America have gone down the pan.

    • Morning, Artful.

      Criminal Intent became total shit once D’Onofrio and Chris Noth were replaced by the hapless cunt Goldblum. Kathryn Erbe was always most watchable.

      Dick Wolf is, of course, total leftie tool. Hence some of the wank storylines in some SVU episodes. Still, Liv wades through it all in fine style.

  8. Bushman, you are the rotting corpse of Adam Faith and I claim my Mail on Sunday lifetime subscription!

  10. I’d watch it if it was a “travelogue” and this silly cunt fell down an abandoned mine shaft,managed to crawl out with appalling leg fractures only to be eaten by dingos.

    Or bummed to death by a Zombie Rolf Harris.

    Would you Adam and Eve it?

    Cunt.

  11. If Danny fucking Dyer is the star of the show it can on.y be brain damage at very best,he is one of the ultimate TV cunts in my opinion

  12. I will say Channel 5 gave me the funniest moment of football commentary.

    It was the now insufferable and woke Jonathan Pierce. Chelsea vs some Latvian club called Skonta Riga or summat in a European tie.

    Chelsea had a player called Danny Granville. He hardly ever scored, he was a defensive midfielder (and shite), but he scored in this game to make it 5 or 6-0.

    As Granville slotted it home, Pierce exclaimed, “G…G. G…G. .Granville! The Skonta Riga defence is open all hours!”

    Fair play.

  13. Take a butchers at a Channel 5 history program if you fancy losing the will to live.
    Lowest common denominator shit with the usual and not do usual dark key suspects who won both world wars. Asian and dark key ‘historians’ struggling to read autocues because they actually haven’t got a clue what they’re talking about. And the nauseating commercial tv habit of filling time by spending three minutes telling you what happened in the previous part you watched only three minutes earlier, and then the ubiquitous ‘coming up in part two’.
    At least you still get 4 minutes if something you may not have seen before if your lucky.
    Still. At least we’ve got quality programming on the BBC.
    Oh…. err maybe not.

    • As you may have noticed, my clumsy fingers struggle with the letters I, S and O.
      Or maybe my phone is just a cunt.

      • My fingers are bad at differentiating between i and o, and a and s.

        My phone is Korean and my hands are made of spam.

  15. Channel 5 is shit, but at least its not the BBC.
    I would like see those arrogant cunts stand on there own two feet, with a subscription service.

    I would give them 6 months before massive lay-offs..

    Nice fantasy, but back to the real world where a gutless government won’t defund them.

  16. Channel 5 is generally poor, but not as keen as the beeb, ITV or C4 on gaslighting their viewers.

    TV is just shit in general. Most of it is adverts now.

  17. I’d like to digress to the irony of cricket. Old Trafford was full to the rafters for the Test Match without a player on the field for days. Now the ground is empty, with Lancashire slogging the ball all over the place.

  20. I can imagine the dialogue –

    “Leave it out… we gotta talk…”

    “ Fair dinkum mate”

    “ I ain’t avin nun of it”

    “ Tie me kangaroo down sport.”

    “ Shut it… you’re barred”.

    Etc, etc.

  21. Watching ‘Police Interceptors’ on C5 is pretty funny.
    Little gobshites mouthing off at the police knowing full well that they’ll get away with, what with the pigs being softer than my knob imagining Anne Widdeconbe’s fanny with tufts of grey, wiry, coarse pubes rising to above her belly button.

    • As Danny Dire would say “fackin ell Cunt Engine, I feel all Moby Dick naaah”.

      • Evening LL, hope you’re well?
        That would be my personal hell after I’m braaaaahn bread…having to spend eternity eating the greasy, dripping pussies of Anne Widdecombe, Harriet Harman, Nancy Pelosi and Bella Emberg…🤢

    • Well I had a orgasm that arched my back and made me black out for 30 seconds?

      • I think Chris is very fond of his stepdaughter Thomas.

        Obviously I’m not suggesting anything untoward!

        But when he was spunking on that badger he shouted

        ” Tell your mum that!!”

        And he does work for the BBC…

      • Evening Thomas, can’t complain, well I can that’s why I’m on here.

        I think Miserable was watching Fanny Fiddler doing hot yoga again.

      • That was always just Dick dressed up like a lady, looking rather like when Les Dawson used to dress up.
        Still looked more feminine than Sinead O’ Conner

  22. I remember Danny used to do a program called Hard Cunts or something similar where he’d go around talking to ex gangsters, enforcers and other such cunts and let them talk about what hard cunts they were , whilst Dyer shat himself in admiration

    One episode , he spoke to Kate Kray, wife or ex wife of psychopathic homosexual murderer and fucker of young men , Ronnie Kray.

    She’d married him whilst in prison and all this was well known but all she and Danny wanted to discuss was what a hard cunt he was . Danny clearly looked up to him .

    If Danny had been born 30 or so years earlier and had his arse reamed by Ronnie I doubt he’d have been quite so keen, the dozy cunt

    • Ronnie would of fucked the shit out of Danny,
      Kissed him goodnight
      Then took his dear old mum some nice flowers

      • I’ve watched channel 5.
        Our Yorkshire farm.

        I used to love that!
        Till fame went to her head and they split up.
        Shame that.

        It used to relax the fuck out of me.
        My normal seething anger and high blood pressure would ease off.

        There’s one called Canal boat diaries that does the same.

        Just a speccy bloke travelling about on a canal barge.

        None of you will of seen it though.
        It’s on BBC2.

        They should of made it with Fred Talbot!!😄

      • Slough is more famous for producing other kinds of brown shit now Mis.

    • Will Danny be “givin it large” down under, his hole will be taking it Larger!
      I saw more authentic cockneys in Slough! 1986 in my brief years stay.
      Watts e ona baaht, aard man or suumit.

      • Fk i forgot to reply MNC in the right place, fkn summits not right, awewrite on the night

      • Well Cuntologist, I got the job and I used to walk to Mars on foot regardless of the rotary shift hours, then one early morning, one of the sweet managers in our tracker bar department stopped by the roadside and offered me a lift and I accepted recognising a familiar face from the floor but not really knowing the person obviously , it was only the one time though as I felt something similar to your initial thoughts, I was handed my notice less than a couple of months later.

    • Bollox. Wrong thread.
      I was supposed to be responding to your Mars bar comment.
      I am a retard.

      • I’m obviously suffering a sudden mental health issue. Where can I purchase some drug addict knob pics?

      • Thanks Monty, the feelings are understood, getting it wrong means admitting it.
        Chin up, chest out, it could be worse

    • Have you ever noticed people who venerate the Krays tend to be cunts themselves?

  23. They do Mis, thats why i don’t eat sweets anymore, apart from being toothless of course

  24. people who watch the BBC and ITV and pay the license fee are effectively masochistic gimps. They’re paying to be maligned and treated like idiots.

    • That’s right.
      And if they spat on me,
      Called me worthless
      And stubbed out a cigarette on my nipples I’d be truly happy 😁

  25. Fucking Danny Diarrhoea, everything you hate about Londoners in one noisy little package.

    Makes Ray Winston look like Olivier.

    Can’t imagine he went down well in Oz, unless he gobbled an Aboriginal.

    I know the OP didn’t provide a link admin, but as it’s the world’s number one professional cunt it’s not like we need more evidence is it?

  26. Danny Dyer. The guy that pimped his daughter into Love Island?

    Scum. Just worthless, overhyped, undertalented self promoting fucking pond life. I’m ashamed to share a chromosomal configuration with it.

    And probably just another Mockney taking the piss and playing up to every sodding Cockney cliche.

    Please God, just make it stop …

  27. Danny Dyer’s “The Real Football Factories International” series, was interesting. Showing all the violence that went on at the likes of the Italian Ultras culture.

    • Hes just a daft lad Sammy.
      Like I say he’s quite funny.

      Certainly not the worst cunt about.

      He’s the type who wears sunglasses at night.

      • Like the rappers. They love to wear sunglasses in the VIP sections of a night club, especially in LA or Miami.

        Then they take their favourite hoes onto the Gulfstream jet they clearly own, drink Crystal champagne and have an ‘after-party’.

        Then they and the hoes get in a Rolls-Royce they clearly own and the rapper throws money around while the hoes look jaded/drugged

        Then the rappers get shot and imagine that they go to heaven with all the other rappers who’ve been shot, and never hurt or beaten lackeys or hoes, or innocent members of the public.

        MTV was great.

  28. Only thing I have ever seen on Channel 5 is when Robert Carlyle played Adolf Hitler.

    • Now that was fucking brilliant! I can’t remember the fucking title it’s been that long(2006) but yeah norm ,marvellous

  29. Cor blimey shirl go n fetch the death and disasters as ive only gone and caught me major morgan in me thousand island dip on me cliff bennett and the rebel rousers again. Courtesy of sir roger mellie’s profanisaurus. Amen.

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