Modern takes on established film franchises

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Having watched the trailer for the new Indiana Jones film errrrr thing??
It looks like the usual modern Disney take on an established film series and taking the biggest, sloppiest, smelliest dump on it.

The title alone is crap. Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny!!!!

I have a better title: Indiana Jones and the hackneyed modern trope ridden clusterfuck omnishambles.

I bet you can’t guess the plotline can you dear readers??

What’s that you say? Old Indy (and he is old now Harrison Ford must be abaaaaht 81) is past it and there’s feisty female character who is better than him in every conceivable way. Played by Phoebe Waller-Bridge.

That’s incredible! How the hell did you work it out?
Oh wait, because it’s the same plotline that’s been inflicted on film-goers for the last 10 years.

How does Phoebe Wally-Bird keep getting work?
Does she have some Edward Snowden level dirt on the Hollyweird elite?
Does she have a copy of Jeffrey Epstein’s notebook and a hard drive with a backup of his video collection?

The story line involves time travel back to the second world war (ffs 🫣)
Of course Phoebe’s character never passes up an opportunity to rebuke Indy because he’s a toxic privileged male (natch). Is this not elderly abuse?

The baddie (just for a change) is played by Mads Mikkelsen.

The CGI looks like questionable as if it was done by the work experience lad who only had access to a PC running Windows XP

Here’s the trailer judge for yourself

I predict that this current narrative bullshit in all of these films will be parodied in about 10 years time and people will look back and say what the fuck was all that about eh?

I think I’m just not going to watch any fillums or television programmes made after about 2009 from now on.

What a crock of shit.

How abaaaht Indiana Jones and the Incontinence pants of destiny.

Youtube

Nominated by Harold.

47 thoughts on “Modern takes on established film franchises”

  1. Indiana Jones : Raiders of the Lost Colostomy Bag.

    Co-starring Nancy Pelosi as the melting head at the end.

  2. Come on Disney, cast Harrison Ford as Mowgli in a Jungle Book remake. A guaranteed box office winner.

    Great nom, Harold. Sorry to hear you got it in the eye at Hastings.

  3. Never bother with the likes of this. I’m still trying to get on Radio 4s “I’ve Never Seen Star Wars”. Even changed my name to Arthur Pewtey, to stand a better chance.

  4. I won’t be paying over cash to watch this after ‘the Crystal Skull of Doom’ travesty. Goes double for anything that has the irritating Waller-Bridge in it.

    Disney will cock this up for sure I’d say, but it will still probably make a load of cash.

  6. I’m surprised cinemas are still open.

    Hasn’t been a decent film for fucking years. It’s all crappy CGI, strong wimminz, stupid straight honky males, heroic non whites and gayness.

    Plot? Acting?

    Fuck that! That’ll be a tenner, you stupid cunt.

    • …and all the fucking fake sound effects so loud it makes your ears bleed. It’s all big bangs, explosions, crashes and fucking loud music in ALL films now……still it keeps the 30 somethings from playing their xboxes.

      Bunch of juvenile cunts

  7. Hopefully, this turd’ll be the final nail in Kathleen Kennedy’s coffin.
    Bob Iger has apparently told the old witch that if Indy 5 doesn’t clear 900 million bucks, she’s finally out on her ear.
    Which should have happened long before she ruined both the Indiana Jones and Star Wars franchises.
    I hope Disney/Marvel/Lucasfilm go utterly bust in the next few years; fuck ’em and their lefty pussy moustachioed, dress-wearing employees.
    https://youtu.be/Y_qSpuxnkCI

  8. After watching the trailer, what is the point of the Waller woman, and why the fuck isn’t she black!

  9. I’m going to borrow it off the Internet simply to scoff at its preachy shittiness.

    Harrison Ford can’t need the money so why the fuck?

    That’s Hollywood cunts I suppose.

    Reincarnate Errol Flynn,that’s should set things aright again.

    • May I suggest Errol kicks Phobies back doors in? Maybe our people could talk to Mr Knee’s people and film a blockbuster. May I suggest Mouthy tart gets reamed?

  10. Wella wella waller tell me more, is another talent vacuum..

    Fuck it just rewatch raiders of the lost ark.

    I hope Disney goes bust.

    And mickey mouse has to start giving blow jobs to tourists.

  11. Indiana Jones passed me by. I dont think I missed much. The film industry, like popular music, is bankrupt of ideas and originality. All is aimed at 11 year olds.

    I am grateful for the films of my time – Godfather, Deliverance, Deerhunter, Apocalypse and many, many more.
    Stick modern films up your hairy jacksey.

  12. Disney are shooting a remake of a classic Vietnam war movie, with all of the roles being played by cats.
    Apocalypse Meow….

  13. Indiana Jones and the last bus pass. Should have finished the series with the Last Crusade. Also agree with other Cunter’s about the crap on at the Cinema lately. Last film I saw was the remade Dune. If I see one more fucking advert for a Marvel / DC comics film I’ll fucking scream. There hasn’t been a truly great film at the flicks since the early nineties with JFK and the Shawshank Redemption in my humble opinion.

    • Yes I can agree whole heartedly with the above statement once upon a time a film was worth paying to see it had a good cast great actor an intelligent script ,nowadays it’s all shite

    • The Revenant was fairly good despite Caprio in the lead.? l see a corelation between Daniel Day Lewis’s retirement and dearth of great films lately .Gangs of New York was a masterpiece.

      Even U2 threw in a powerful soundtrack at the films closing sequence .Very poignant scene.Fair had me fillin up.Modern equivalents lack the requisite testicular heft and subleties of yore.

  14. What fucking cunts watch this shit?
    Apart from the price the cinema it is invested with feral morons who won’t shut up or are rustling fucking food wrappers.
    Fuck em fuck enm all…

    Ps. Back In the 70s my mate throw a beer can at the screen, I can still visualise it going though the film . Fucking mental….

  15. About as far off topic as you could get but I must tell you all, I’ve hired a cherry picker for the week to paint the fascias and soffits. Cor what fun! Twelve feet out on the boom and thirty feet up off the ground and then driving it round the house from the platform! Beats collecting stamps!

    Sorry folks, I’ll let you get back to the nom.

  16. Not only remakes but all Hollywood is shit.

    They are a synthetic people, the yanks, culturally leeching off their elders and betters.

    Somewhat off topic but they also seem to think that loud shrieking and arm-flailing passes for comedy in their insipid piss-offerings. But that’s their national trait; histrionic and vulgar instead of clever and witty.

    • I’m looking forward to the new Indiana Jones film.

      Joe Biden worked as a stuntman on it.

      He’s a archeologist indy,
      Ironically played by a real fossil.

      • I like the scene where he can’t resist sniffing a 3000 year old mummy’s hair and sets off a giant rolling boulder booby trap.

    • Glad you notice that Shouting seems to pass for comedy in American films.
      Two of the worst offenders are Steve Carrell and Will Ferrell. My brother and his band of chums seem to love that shit yet don’t like homegrown comedy like Still Game. Perhaps because the characters are old white and hard-up?

      I let yanks do what they do.
      it’s the British who want to be American I can’t abide.
      Whooping at Star Wars and Marvel films. Shouting ‘Vegas, baby!’ and guffawing at the other tiresome troupe from the Hangover films and Judd Apatow’s incestuous, creepy coterie of cunts. It’s all so fucking funny because they all know each other and appear in each other’s films! I feel like i’m one of their buddies! I’ve been present during some of these viewings, and it’s always an earlier night than planned once Ferrell, Carell or Wahlberg appear on screen. There’s not enough alcohol in the house to tolerate that shite.
      Dear fucking God how embarrassing., do they laugh at the comedy or because of peer pressure?
      Unhinged.

  17. Mads Mikelsen is a talentless ghoul who is only put in movies because they can’t be arsed with hiring real actors or creating CGI monsters. The fact women find him attractive just goes to show how stupid they are. Sames goes for Daniel Craig.

  18. I remember a spoof of indy posters in Mad Magazine (rip). They included:

    Indiana Jones and the hunt for a bed with good lower back support

    Indiana Jones and those damn kids playing in the yard again

    Indiana Jones and the female co star half his age.

  19. Hope this ruins Kennedy, payback for ditching the delicious Gina Carano from the Mandalorian.
    She can beat the crap out of me anytime.

  20. I’m going to put the damper on this yankie shite. Grew out of this childish nonsense, just about the same time my Saturday afternoon matinees were coming to an end. Then started watching some serious cinema.

  21. Ive stopped watching modern films. They just dont interest me. It’s like watching the animated scenes featuring live actors from Disney films of the past, but without the talent or charm. One or two get through but hardly any using CGI keep my interest.
    I prefer podcasts and long form discussions and video essays on real things and people..
    Films are barely even filmed anyway. It’s all cooked up by FX geeks and rendered in computers in Pasadena then shat out.

  22. As regular cunters know, I passionately despise Phoebe Waller Cunt, all her work and everything the misandrist luvvie psycho twat stands for.

    • Truly we Brits are a fucking sexless bunch. Our women are one of the things that determined colonization.

    • I remembervthat twat Nish Kumar saying diversity on TV was good because it gives opportunities to people like Phoebe Waller-Bridge.
      Nish, she’s from landed gentry, on both sides.
      Go back to being a duck on a pond.

  23. Putting the once very handsome Harrison Ford back on screen as Indiana Jones at his age is almost tragic (he was too old and unwatchable in The Crystal Skull never mind doing another one years later.) Then combining Ford with Wokey Waller-Bridge is doubly bonkers. Probably backed by Ben & Jerry money.

  24. Indianna Jones and the rectal prolapse

  27. Indiana Jones and the raiders of the lost reading glasses

    ……….THERE ON YOUR HEAD DEAR!

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