Decaffeinated Tea

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I was at the hospital for a going over last week; a fun morning in the urology department that was. Prior to seeing the big cheese, I went through a fluids intake chart I’d had to complete with one of the nurses, who advised me to drink caffeine free tea.

So I promptly bought a packet and brewed up, and what a flavourless, gutless apology for a cup of proper tea it was. No satisfaction whatsoever to be had from it. You might as well drink hot water with milk in it.

In a way it reminded me of wanking. It’ll do if there’s absolutely nothing else on offer, but it’s a pale shadow of the real thing.

It’s piss, that’s all there is to it. The rest of the packet has now taken up residence in the compost bin, its spiritual home. Best place for it.

Nominated by Ron Knee

86 thoughts on “Decaffeinated Tea”

  1. File alongside anything that hipsters and woke types like. Like vegan cheese, vegan bacon, anything else vegan and horrible really….

    Bloody hell, even I get a decent cup of tea when I go for my treatment.

    • My daughter tried to go veggie for a while, but she couldn’t take the veggie bacon. She just ended up smothering her ‘bacon’ roll in sauce to try and disguise how disgusting it was.

      She bought some vegan cheese one time and I tried it. Fucking hell, it was shit.

      How you doing Norman?

      • Mrs Jelmet bought some vegan cheese by mistake a few weeks back.

        Knocked up a couple of burgers on the barbecue and served them up with the said cheese.

        It was disgusting. I asked her if there was something wrong with the cheese – if it was off or something.

        Turns out when I checked the packaging, it said “plant based” on it.
        She’s as blind as a bat at times and is prone to doing stuff like that.

        Anyways – awful awful stuff. Tasted like it was well on the turn or had turned several times over for that matter.
        I still finished the burger mind you, because I’m a naturally greedy unfussy cunt. But never again will I eat plant based cheese. If I can help it.

        Afternoon fellas.

      • Totally agree Herman.

        It’s impossible to exaggerate when it comes to describing how foul this stuff is.

        About as appetising as a shit sandwich.

      • Not doing too bad Ron. Thanks.

        Glad to the season is over and I pray to God the Glazers fuck off or die or both. The Villa will improve next season, I think.

  2. Maybe this is a metaphor for the way the country is going down the shitter?
    We civilized half the world fortified by tea (and Baker Rifles) and are now a pale shadow of our former selves.

    • What’s the point?
      Blunt knives
      Meat free bacon
      Ink free pens
      Non drying paint
      Rubber anvils
      Sponge submarine

      Useless

      • Definitely no rubber anvils they smell when u put hot iron on them and they don’t sing like a good old British anvil.

    • It’s even worse if you put a slice of lemon in it to try to give it some flavour.

      Lemon belongs in a gin and tonic, not some piss weak apology for tea.

      • Since we left the eu, I’ve been able to get Lapsang Souchong, which I love. Gin is Hayman’s Royal Dock, 57%.
        How much bloody caffeine is in tea anyway? I suppose a large Espresso is stuffed with tannin?
        No wonder Oliver Reed stuck to the hard stuff…

  4. If you think that’s bad Ron you want to try Liptons tea as served up in France. Or rather you don’t.
    Frog’s piss.

    • Thanks for the tip Geordie.

      Mind you, it’s hard to get a decent cup of tea in a lot of places abroad.

      Can’t get it through to them that it doesn’t work if you make it with luke warm water.

  5. The purpose of tea is to give you a lift, as well as tasting refreshing. This powder-puff piss gives you about as much of a kick as alcohol-free beer.

  6. “Flavourless, gutless apology” – is this the Keir Starmer of tea?

    Is it tea but not as we know it? Looks like tea but something just isn’t quite right. Failed the taste test with voters? Does this dodgy cuppa think women can have cocks?

  7. This sort of shite caters for the soft cunts who have their morning “brew” with a copy of The Guardian, vegan bacon sandwich and b12 supplements.

    If anyone ever offered me a decaf tea or coffee I’d take great pleasure in charging up a lethal Doc Martin dropkick right in their grid.

      • Ron, I sympathize if you’ve had to give up tea as well as wanking. The Urology department I attend have advised no such restrictions. But you can enjoy decaffeinated coffee if you use the right ingredients, here’s my recipe. a cup of semi-skimmed milk, two spoons of Colombian roast and ground, and three sweeteners.

    • Ron shouldn’t give up wanking a running stream is always better than a stagnant pond. I wa told that by my urologist.

      • I think he swiped that line from Confucius.

        I haven’t given up on five finger shuffling, but depend almost totally on the wife for entertainment of that variety.

  8. I drink Waitrose decaf tea all the time.

    Mind you, the milk and water make a huge difference. I use water through an undersink ceramic filter and skimmed goat milk. Not because I’m pretentious but because Mrs D can’t drink dairy milk and I’m intolerant to caffeine…

  9. I always thought the idea of coffee/ tea was to ingest caffeine. Otherwise just drink water…!

  10. The daughter drinks green tea.

    It’s shite.

    I like a builders brew.
    Leave the teabag in
    2 sugars.

    Although being a bit of a gayboy I do like honey in rather than sugar.

    And I tried and enjoyed peppermint tea.
    Like having chewing gum with a brew.

      • Yep, peppermint tea.
        An I’m not ashamed of it.

        I’m a delicate blossom and have fine taste 😁

    • Crikey MNC, congratulations on being so brave and coming out of the closet.

      I’d have never guessed to be honest.

      • I’m celebrating by having a French fancy and knitting a little hat for prince Harry’s baby.
        Cuntybollocks .

        What’s it called?
        Cuddles? Or Bubbles or something,?
        😁

      • Your getting mixed up Mis, Bubbles is his wife 😜

        If you’re gonna knit her a bonnet, can you sure it covers her face please?

  11. For me there’s virtually no difference between decaffeinated Yorkshire Tea and the regular kind

  12. Earl Grey is the tea, a pot in the morning with breakfast, obviously no milk…

    One has to have standards

  13. You can’t stick it to Johnny Foreigner without taking afternoon tea.
    Nelson at Trafalgar
    Wellington at Waterloo
    Monty at El Alamein
    The Royal Engineers and 24th Regiment of Foot at Rorke’s Drift
    They all stopped whatever they were doing for tea and cakes, it’s what made the British Empire. This decaffeinated rubbish probably explains why we no longer have an Empire.

      • That’s right M ‘ Lord.

        It’s what makes us civilised.

        There’s even an emergency Jam and Scone Box.

        For when things get a bit tricky.

        Bang on !

        Good afternoon.

  14. Not that I’m a tea drinker, but anything that’s had it’s ‘poke’ removed is a waste of time, and decaffeinated tea/coffee, deserves to served with artificial sweetners and oat milk for full effect, as do all emasculated beverages
    I’d rather drink the cold foam from a dead donkey’s mouth.
    Lekker.

  15. I’m guilty of drinking de cafinated tea and coffee because it helps keep my blood pressure down.
    I personally cannot tell the difference . PG Tips do a de caffeinated tea called “ the tasty one” it does taste better than the caffeinated tea

  16. Posh sod that I am at times, I like Twinings English Breakfast tea early in a morning. Like this morning when I was sat out in my back garden at 7.00 before anyone else is awake enjoying the sunshine an peace and quiet before anyone is up and hedge trimming, mowing lawns, children crying, or fuckwit juvenile delinquents on mopeds revving them.

    It was bliss this morning sitting in the sun drinking tea and reading my e-reader.

    Sorry to go all Stephen Fry but for info tea has a chemical called theanine which is good for improving cognitive function and supposedly offers slight relief from anxiety.

    Although I’m sure Dr Feelgood/Thomas The Cunt Engine will say ‘shrooms are better or even ayahuasca.

  17. I find the notion of ‘decaf’ more than a bit pointless. (It’s like smoking de-nicotined cigarettes.) And if I don’t get my fix things could get real ugly real fast.

    So I drink coffee in the morning…tea in the afternoon…and coffee again after dinner.(And I wonder why I have insomnia.) Straight up for both…no cream, no milk, no sugar…and the darker and more full bodied the better.

    For those of you complaining about your physical infirmities and your doctors instructions…I feel your pain.

  18. Captain Picard drinks Earl grey, so that rules that one out straight away but decaf fk that shite. Coffee with hickory another load of shite.
    I like mint tea when in hot climates but not the sugar laden variety the sand Arabs brew, small sugar please, thank you Rasheed😇

  19. I have to watch the old caffeine intake. It can play havoc with me system, due to the dicky ticker and meds.

    Last week, in Somerset, me and Ethel were sat in a cafe ( again ) looking out over the bay. I had a lovely cup of coffee, really nice, but it must have had loads of caffeine in it because five minutes after finishing it I was as high as a fooking kite.

    Good job I wasn’t at Rorke’s Drift or I’d have been after those retreating Zulu johnnie’s with a fixed bayonet.

    Colour Sergeant Bourne could have shouted all he liked but I’d be off like a Mad March Hare.

    I’m still a bit fooking jumpy now.

    LOL.

  20. It tastes better with water boiled in a kettle over an open fire after having walked to the nearest waterhole (some 146 miles away) to fetch it. Of course, we grow our own decaffeinated tea as well.

  21. I like Earl grey and Yorkshire tea.

    I drink Earl grey because I’m urbane and sophisticated like David Niven.

    As for coffee, just one cup in the morning.
    Strong as fuck
    Black as Lineker.

    • I haven’t drank Yorkshire tea since the cunts decided to get all woke and were giving it large over St George of Fentanyl.

      If you’re a critic of BLM – don’t buy our tea they said. So I don’t.

      Afternoon Mis.

      • Evening Herman👍

        And a nice one.
        That disgusting foreign heat has gone, it’s rained, I’ve been the pub, had a bacon butty and In a fine and rare relaxed mood.

        I know what you mean about boycotting Yorkshire tea over their BLM bullshit Herman and support you.

        But, think of it this way.
        How much more upset would they be to know their tea is drunk by Far Right disgusting racists like us?😄

        It’s like having Hitler wear your trainers or the klan use your soap powder!

        They don’t like us?
        Tough.

        I’ll force myself on them.

  22. I’m quite a tea enthusiast.

    I’ll happily drink around 4 or 5 cups every morning.

    Brewed for at least 4 or 5 minutes for maximum strength with a bit of milk.

    Beautiful.

    Can’t really stomach it any time after early afternoon onwards though for some reason.

    Fella I used to work with drank de caff tea. Used to bring his own teabags in and never once did I feel the temptation to even try it. What’s the point of tea minus the caffeine I thought.

    Anyways – after this nomination I think any questions I had regarding de caff teabags have been answered.

  23. Got told to drink dead caffeinated tea when I got served with prostate cancer something about reducing the amount of pissing, makes me laugh when “medical professionals ” tell me to drink more water cos I ONLY drink tea and tea isn’t hydrating, they have no answer when you tell them tea is only stained water and milk is mostly water, daft fuckers. If tea wasn’t “hydrating ” their preferred phrase, I would have died of thirst decades ago.

    • Samuel Taylor Coleridge summed Decaf up, in the Ancient Mariner

      Water, water, everywhere,
      And all the boards did shrink
      Decaf Pisswater, pisswater everywhere
      nor any drop to drink.

  24. Tea with fish and chips. Coffee ☕️ in the morning.
    Beer 🍺 with everything else.

  25. I have a feeling the mad hatter should of switched to decaf, he was more twitchy than Michael j fox.

    • It’s a good job Rishi has stopped the boats otherwise there could have been 2000

      All cunts

      • That picture reminds me of the Labour Party campaign and years ago.
        ‘The Conservatives aren’t working’

        Or maybe the famous Vietnam picture. All climbing up to the helicopter.

        An endless line of people coming.

      • Evening Ruff👍

        You well?
        Nice to see you back.

        You a tea drinker?

      • Evening Miserable 👍

        Back from U.S. early this morning, mission accomplished. We even tricked Billy Bullshitter into divulging his real name, say no more…

        Me a tea drinker? Only when I visit Willie Stroker (once a week) or mother-in-law (once a year).

        Normally a coffee drinker but had to quit caffeinated drinks about five years ago for medical reasons. Terrible withdrawal symptoms – worse than coming off tabs! Splitting headaches every morning for weeks!

        Nowadays I tend to be a clean living son of a bitch and stick to Kenco Decaff which isn’t bad, best substitute for proper coffee I have been able to find.

      • Mmm, yes I’ve heard that about caffeine.

        Not just coffee either.
        People who drink coca cola.

        Headaches, shakes etc.

        You’ve been that America?
        Good grief.
        You poor chap.

        Take it they’re all still puddled?

        Never been.
        Never will.

      • Yeah, they’re well puddled!

        Been there several times, initially in the early 1980s, sourcing material for my unpublished book: “Uh-Huh, It Was The Mansons”.

        Great country.. Got to spend some time with (amongst others) Sandy Good and Squeaky Fromme. Interesting people, to say the least… made me an honorary member of the Family. Not a fan of their racist beliefs, however.

      • PS – Apparently the American equivalent of our ‘Village Idiot’ is ‘Florida Resident’. 😂

      • FFS Ruff how many fucking times have we told you to stop your baiting. Just knock it off or you’re toast on here and anyone who doesn’t like it can fuck off with you – Chief Admin

    • A nice cup of tea each for the poor bedraggled foreigners..

      With enough arsenic in it to fell Giant Haystacks.

  27. “Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock”

    “Who’s there?”

    “Michael J Fox”

  28. I used to drink Yorkshire Tea until those cunts came out in favour of Burn Loot Mob.

    I now drink Clipper. A bit more expensive but a 👌 brew.

    • Some of us like certain brands, some coffee instead of tea.

      I like Bovril in winter.
      Wild eh?
      But then I’m a daring Maverick who lives life on the edge.

      But no one’s mentioned WHAT you drink from.
      Some of you might drink from fine china?
      Others?
      Fuckin dogs bowl or pot noodle container.

      I have a ceramic mug made by a master potter.
      It’s marvelous 👍

  29. Twinings Irish breakfast or Assam for me, I microwave it to make it even stronger. Decaffeinated tea was developed by Nazi scientist Heinz Brücher in an evil plot to demoralise the British people. The cunt finally got his when the Queen Mother tracked him down in Argentina and beat him to death with an empty gin bottle in 1991.

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