A nomination for modern television

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The resignation of Phillip Schofield made me realise just how much I despise television now. The fakery of it. Thr facade of bonhomie on shite like This Morning hiding bullying and venomous sniping. I wonder if something about Nasty Munchetty will be divulged.

These presenters and producers are not quite human; lying reptiles gas lighting the public, using weasel words- ‘some people might say/argue, ‘so-called Islamic State’. These sociopaths hiding their hatred of their viewers behind smiles and make up. Their bogus, ostentatious ‘fact checkers’, their disdain for history, their participation in dangerous lies about gender.

The flea-brained gotcha interviews, the predictable panel shows and comedy (Orange maaaannn baaaad! Daily Mail! Brexit Boris Bumbly Boo!)
Audiences of clapping braying seals, laughing on command.

the blatant propaganda in soaps and dramas, the ubiquity of finger wagging in historical settings.
The bait and switch of undermining the legend of established male characters, their strength and resourcefulness mocked by cheap sass, sophomore snark and obnoxious attitudes in physically, psychologically and demographicallyunrealistic worlds created by emotionally incontinent adult-children who have no experience of anywhere or anyone beyond London, New York or Los Angeles and whose knowledge of the world doesnt go much further in space or in time.

Modern television offers nothing to anybody with an IQ higher than that of a house cat, or with any moral courage or pride in themselves or the nation.

It has truly become the idiot lantern.

Nominated by Cuntamus Prime.
A great cunting in my opinion as I don’t watch telly and haven’t done for a few years now, C.A.

131 thoughts on “A nomination for modern television”

  2. Back in the last century, I was working permanent nights.
    Worth getting home for big breakfast, Johnny Vaughan and Denise V O.
    Perfect match and hilarious, no smarm……

    • The lovely Gail Porter featured too, pre alopecia.

      The BB was relaunched last year with more shall we say ‘diverse’ presenters.

      • The great thing about Gail Porter is ifvyou fancy a red head one evening, just pop a wig on her bonce. Brunette? Another wig.

        That bird from Star Trek The Motion Picture?
        As you are, Gail.

    • Denise Van Outen was well fit back then. I recall Denise and Samantha Janus in a 90s ITV sitcom. It was crap, but seeing those two wearing next to nowt was a wank overload.

      Paula Yates was also very doable in her Tube days. Then she discovered smack and that Aussie strangle-wanker.

  3. I love television.
    It’s taught me everything I know.
    I wouldn’t be the well rounded intellectual I am now without it.

    I’ve just watched the start of a drama called ‘Gallows pole’ by Shane Meadows (This is England)

    Based on the true story of the Crag Vale cutters who during the start of the industrial Revolution and invention of the Factory and mechanised loom decided to help themselves by ‘ shaving ‘ gold coins.

    See? History lesson.

    It made me look into the history more.

    Not into films much.
    Always some bedwetter shite like Harry potter.

    I’d of put Harry into the care of that nice Philip Schofield.

    • Haven’t seen the drama but read a bit about it.

      Got greedy didn’t they? Nice little earner but then every fucker unsurprisingly wanted in.

    • That Gallows Pole, they swizzed about £1.5m, equivalent to about £150b today!

      Way to go, lads. They can only hang, draw and quarter you once!
      Well worth the risk.

      • An 18th century Miserable was bound to be involved JP.

        Country Cream gates don’t pay for themselves.

    • I haven’t seen that Gallows Pole drama, since being on BBC, I automatically avoided it.
      Have they managed to include white supremacy, colonialism and misogyny into the story yet?

      • mystic maven @

        not as yet,
        but there is a black couple!
        in 1760s rural Yorkshire?

        which is funny because as a kid visiting my cousin’s in 1970s rural Yorkshire they’d never seen a black man apart from on telly.

  4. The cat likes the snooker. Wonders where the balls have gone when they get potted. Engrossed.

    Apart from that, bag of shite.

    Holly Willoughby is false as fuck, but I’d wear my cock out on it.

    That self important speech showed how much these fuckers think of themselves. Way too fucking much.

    Fuck me, she presents a show watched by a few doleys. Nobody gives a fuck about her opinion.

    Just get your tits out.

    • My cat loves snooker for the same reason, golf too!

      Looks behind the TV to see where the ball has gone.
      Creases me up, every time.

      Best entertainment, ever!

  5. I think the lowest of the low was that dating show where the cunts had to be naked.

    What next, “Whose turd is it anyway?”

    Z list ‘celebs’ get clues on some other X Lister’s dump and have to guess who dropped it.

    • You are the head of Channel 4 and I claim my fiver

  6. Damn! Cuntamus is on a roll with the righteous nature of his nom’s! I really don’t have anything to add as he touched all the bases.

    Well said. Well done.

  7. Steptoe and son
    Dad’s Army
    League of Gentlemen
    Some mother’s do av em
    Our Yorkshire farm
    Idiot abroad

    I’ve had loads of enjoyment from the telly.
    Never had that from a book.

    And being a grown man don’t play computer games.

    If there wasn’t any TV anymore I’d probably go back to stalking.

    • Some good shows there MNC.

      Don’t make em know though. I bet Idiot Abroad won’t be seen again (bit waycist for Sky under Comcast). Not in its hilariously slightly xenophobic form anyway.

      Phoenix Nights was fucking ace too. No fucking way would most of that be allowed too.

      And LOG? Papa Lazarou. That gay n o NC e German. Babs?

      No fucking chance lol.

      • Phoenix Nights and Max and Paddy are fooking quality. As is League of Gentlemen, as is most stuff by Vic and Bob.

        The sheer amount of blackface and cod Chong accents going on in all of the above. Riotous.

        Vic Reeves blacked up as Barry White trying to cop off with a length of copper pipe is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. Vic in “yellowface” as Dr. Shakamoto from “big ci’y of Reeds” is fucking gold.

        I’m glad I grew up when I did.

    • Cable channels offer some interest ,oh how I’d love to fuck off from this shithole which is England and go gold mining in australia

    • Cheers is ace!
      Me and the wife have just finished watching all 275 episodes (across 11 seasons)
      The best British TV Comedy I’ve seen recently is The Curse.
      Same actors who were in People Do Nothing.
      Ricky Gervais’s recent series After Life is good too.

  9. Spot on CP.

    Shitty propaganda dressed up as news,braindead gameshows,soap operas rammed full of cunts,hosts whose private depravity would put De Sade to shame….

    Television has become the platform not of entertainment but of hectoring and distraction.

    It’s a fucking cesspit.

    Oven it all.

  10. I tried to be in the audience for Have I Got Cunts for You. However I failed the audition. I wasnt able to evacuate my bowels every time someone mentioned Boris/Trump/Pritti/Suella etc.
    By god the one who isnt Hislop is funny.

    • Isn’t funny you mean?

      You must mean Paul Merton whose standard punchline is – “is it a dolphin in a bath tub?”

      It’s the way he tells them.

      Boom! Boom!

      • Now the Harry and Paul pisstake of the BBC was brilliant, and much needed. I liked the Question Time sketch, sums up the pointlessness of the thing.
        To think that was about 7 years or so ago, and even then a rare exception to the normal shit.

  11. I was watching The Chase the other night……….

    “You got three thousand in the cash builder but I know that you are a better player than that”.

    Tell the truth….
    You are a thick cunt. Why bother going on to a game show?

    “Take the low offer. We want you back here for the final chase”.

    Why?
    The cunt couldn’t answer any questions.
    What do you need them for?

    Chaser, “Taking the low offer of minus 6.000 is exactly the right thing to do. You have to play as a team”.

    After only getting 12 questions right as a team in the final chase…..
    Chaser, “That was a good effort and I take nothing for granted”.

    Fuck right off.

    Why are people praised for stupidity and cowardice.

    • And I will not be watching Bradley Walsh any more.
      He played a good part in Law & Order UK but now he is showing himself as a right cunt.

      Whatever any contestant says to him he replies with, “I love it”.

      “I work in a fish finger factory”
      “I love fish fingers!”.

      “I come from Bradford”
      “I love Bradford!”.

      “I would spend any money that I might win on a trip to see the Northern Lights”
      “I love the Northern Lights!”.

      Stupid cunt with bad grammar…..

      “And if you WAS to win some money tonight…..”

      “THUS far”.

      TV for fucktards.

  12. Excellent nom. I haven’t owned a telly for 3 years and I haven’t missed it at all. I often watch comparatively recent stuff like Little Britain, League of Gentlemen and Inbetweeners on YouTube and think……fuck me, you could never broadcast that now! It’s just a continual propaganda machine now and I would spend my time shouting and swearing and yelling “CUNT” at every other bastard who’s stupid face pops up on the screen. You can’t even watch football without getting a wokie lecture on inclusivity and the normality of blokes fucking each other up the arse.
    In fact I’m getting wound up just thinking about it. I’m not missing it, trust me.

  13. A fools’ lantern as my Headmaster used to call it in the early 70’s…

  14. I don’t watch much TV, the odd history programme on WW2 or pretending to be interested in ancient Egypt whilst ogling Bettany Hughes bangers.

    Mostly box sets now, The Last Kingdom is excellent, all about the Viking invasion of England and King Alfred.the Great….brilliant stuff. Very surprising actually as it was made by the BBC and then Netflix although I’ve heard the last sequel film was circling the shitter.

    • Bethany Hughes has a magnificent chest indeed! LL. ( I’m a sucker for a good rack ! )

    • Bettany certainly has a decent set of top bollocks.

      Her documentaries started off well but now she has started to say every sentence with a rising intonation as if she is asking a question.

      Daft, big titted woman.

      Watch with the sound muted.

    • I used to pretend I liked Mad Men, while I ogled the magnificent whammers of Christina Hendricks.

  15. Excellent nom. For years I have not switched the fucking telly on before 21.00 hrs, even now when I do I think what’s the point.
    That said the “Steel town murders” on BBC 1 was good..

    Generally though, woke shite…

  16. I miss my 405 lines, and rue the day when 625 took over. For that was the last time I watched life in Black and White. In fact, all that appeared , were indeed white.! ( apart for the Mike Sammes Singers but they don’t count )
    Ah yes. And then came colour! Chalkies were still very evident, but!! Within a year or two the slow insidious creep of the early gollum man began, and now we rarely get to see the token whitey without some reference to “compo” for the jollygollyguys. Ah how times change.

  17. Spot on. It’s all about dumbing down the population and feeding them propaganda.
    Although if they change the weather presenters for Yanet Garcia, I’ll comply.

  18. Don’t underestimate our house cat. He can’t be arsed with the TV either.

  19. Fortunately, I have an old black & white television. I can still get The Black & White Minstrel Show on it, along with Z-Cars. Halcyon days.

    • Cop shows used to be popular because you see the scrotes getting tracked down, slapped around and banged up.
      That would come under the category of “science fiction” these days…….or maybe “ancient history.”

    • I generally give TV a miss these days, but I have to say I did enjoy coverage of the Coronation. There wasn’t much else on in 1953.

      • Yes, and if you have an old TV set, like I do, you can still watch it. Black & white, of course.

  20. Grand Designs…. Totally fucked.
    The presenter was always a smug cunt but it’s even more unbearable now with their eco houses and sustainably sourced timber.

    A Place in the Sun……. Totally fucked.
    Jasmine has an enormous pair of knockers but the married couples all seem to be either mixed race or gay men.

    Law & Order Special Victim’s Unit…… Totally fucked.
    Sargent Benson, who once looked well fuckable has now turned masculine and ugly. The story lines are now all woke.

      • She was presenting the show and talking to the couple of house buyer’s outside my local bar next to the beach.
        I got a nice close up photo of her heaving fun bags.

        She was pregnant…… Again.

      • Artful, the original Law and Order episodes from the 90’s are on 5USA some later ones too but I like the early stuff with Jerry Orbach.

        All non PC. Refreshing to see proper cops for a change.

  21. Television has certainly taken a turn for the worse over the past 20 years. It aims for the lowest common denominator know.

    Do you remember when television strove to be neutral in its presentation of current affairs, funny in its comedy without insulting the political beliefs of many of its viewers and informative/educational in programs like Civilisation and the World at War? Dramas were quality, not hysterical woke nonsense or indulging in extreme graphic violence. it was the age of I Claudius, Colditz, Secret War, Upstairs Downstairs, the Onedin Line and Poldark (the original version).

    Now its grisly stuff like Prime Suspect, repetitive grisly stuff like Casualty, sneering left wing opinions in comedy and news and Naked Attraction. Lowest common denominator.

    I don’t watch much TV now. If there is anything good I catch up with it on iPlayer or one of the TV streaming sites – but its not much. The only news station I watch is GB News.

    • Prime Suspect finished 17 year’s ago.

      Helen Mirren has something strangely fuckable about her.

      I would.

    • Yes, MMCM, the good old days when British tv really was the best. Now it’s degenerated into woke shite.
      GB News and Talk TV are all I watch on tv nowadays. Otherwise just find loads of good stuff on youtube.

      • It’s surprising the amount of good stuff on YouTube – like the entire run of Colditz and I, Claudius.

    • Netflix is mostly the gutter as well. dramas about crime, drugs, violence, gangs, prisons, documentaries about the same as well as serial killers and nonsenses. As Kryten says about the bad copy of Red Dwarf, ‘everything that is low and base’. Netflix coukd be what that crew has for entertainment.

  22. I dont have a TV licence as there is literally fuck all for me on TV. It is utter cunt and I hate it. As normal TV comes up by default when I switch on I have to endure a few seconds before I can activate my luxury Youtube subscription and vanish down a rabbit hole of bushcraft shelters, Redacted, Why Files or some random shit about WW2 aircraft / armour / battles. The other night I thought I’d leave normal TV on until something that offended me came up. I didn’t have to wait long. 1 second infact. Full time cunt Kwith fucking Packham giving a sermon

  23. Currently watching thirty year old re runs of the bill on youtube instead of the crap on freeview.
    The PC’s were definately un pc back then.

  24. Rarely watch any up to date TV now. If I do watch TV it’s old stuff.

    However most of the time I find myself watching Brazzers, Jules Jordan, Evil Angel, Bang Bros etc.

    Far more entertaining and rewarding 👌

  25. I did catch something on my5 or 5star or summat about anne boleyn, cracking informative programme. Henry 8 was a nasty coniving cunt.

    • Sign on, self-identify as a one-legged trans lesbian muslim mother-of-three from Kiev.

      They’ll give you one. And a new iPhone.

      Make the system work for you, MNC.

      • 85% of Ukrainians identify as Christian.
        Only 0.9% as Muslim.
        Unable to ascertain percentage of one-legged lesbian mothers-of-three, lol.

    • Theres nothing wrong with the screen being bigger, just what goes on it if you watch modern TV. Filmfour is about it now,.

  28. For an indication of how low modern TV has sunk, look no further than CBeebies.
    The BBC are currently jizzing in their pants over the announcement that Bedtime stories is to be presented by a same sex couple for the first time.
    It’s a program aimed at toddlers for fuck sake!
    Any decent society would bang up the perpetrators under the obscene publications act.

    • Presenting sexual degeneracy as normality to children is par for the course these days.
      And it’s not a fucking accident.

      • I saw they had a bit on CBeebies where they said some types of fish can change from a boy to a girl – hermaphrodites, not blue finned self-identifying trans freaks.

        The BBC cunts said it had nothing to do with coinciding with the start of pride month.

        Yeah fucking right!

      • That must be the RAiNBOW 🌈 FISH, a freshwater fish found in Oz, New Guinea and Indonesia. Often found in gay rivers and trannie pools.
        I wouldn’t recommend them with chips and mushy peas. Best to avoid the saveloy while you’re at it.

      • They will probably invent some mascot like Elton the pooferfish.

    • Talking of shit that lurks in water. Wasn’t that raving iron Tom Daley on CBeebies a while back?

  29. I pretty much based my tv choices on who wrote the show..

    And you can’t go wrong with anything david simon wrote..

    And I would recommend the deuce a series about the sex and porn industry in 70s and 80s new York.

  30. The last time i laughed out loud at a tv comedy was Chris Morris ‘s Jam and Brass Eye , very thought provoking and would definitely be band in this new age of puritans . Oh and Early doors was great .

    • I liked Brass eye but never really found Jam funny. Amusing, but perhaps trying too hard to be strange.

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