I’m starting to get a bit miffed by Premium Bonds. Something’s not quite right.
The wife and I bought an equal number of bonds a while ago. ERNIE, the electronic thingy that chooses the winning numbers, supposedly operates on the basis of purely random selection, meaning that each bond has a separate and equal chance of winning.
That being the case, perhaps NS&I could explain why in the last four months the wife has netted a not to be sneezed at £725 in winnings, whereas I’ve had to settle for a nice round sum; the thin end of the square root of fuck all to be precise.
As if the unfairness wasn’t bad enough in itself, I’ve also got to tolerate the wife’s barely contained glee as she tells me that I should be happy for her.
Of course I might win a grand next month or the month after. But until that happens, I’ll go with the notion that my head says it’s kosher, but my heart says it’s somehow a fix, and that some numbers have more chance than others for some reason.
Come on ERNIE you electronic cockhead; where the fuck’s my share?
Bah humbug. Life’s just so unfair sometimes.
Nominated by: Ron Knee
(There will be calls that PBs are racist and homophobic etc. Day Admin)
Blimey Ron,there was me thinking the government is bankrupt.
Now they are showering Mrs Knee with free money.
Steal it when she’s not looking.
Good egg.
19
To be fair she took me to lunch out of the winnings the other day. Bought the wine as well.
Top woman.
23
I hate to suggest this Ron, but maybe Ernie’s actually a bloke and your missus is sleeping with him.
22
mrs mcfuck has had a grands worth for 15 years and has won exactly fuck all
9
I’ve had £2.5k’s worth for about 10 years.
I think I’ve “won” about £300 in all that time, I’d have been better off with a long term ISA.
Put £5k into one, for 5 years, got £6.5k back at the end of term.
Still, I live in hope.
9
It’s odd really. A bloke I know has got just shy of the full 50k allocation. He told me that he once went five months without a dicky bird, then in the six month he won £25. Month after that, he had SEVEN winning bonds; two 50s and five 25s.
Odd.
15
The wife and I have a goodly wedge on said bonds. She always wins well on them. First month they were eligible she won £200. I won sweet Fanny Adams. I think ERNIE is a fucking ladies man Ron trying to get into the ladies good books. The Lothario twat.
13
He’s got no chance with the missus Cunty; she’s mad about me (fuck knows why).
10
Oh and ERNIE hates boomers too the cunt.
5
Not sure about that. I’m a boomer and get a cheque from them every month. Ok, usually only £25, although have had quite a few for £100. But anyway, still better than the bank.
9
£50 is the best I’ve had the electronic cunt.
5
PB’s are racist.
Mine were printed on white privilege paper
11
Black ink though, fair do’s.
Diversity is a strength at NS & I.
11
Whats the anticipated return these days? Nothing like the inflation figure the government helped to ramp up.
7
About 2.75% I think. That’s unless you’re the cunt from the Home Counties or Sussex who wins a mill.
9
The APR equivalent for the last rolling 6 months for me personally is 1.7%. Not fantastic but as rates go up PB increase their payouts automatically (unlike a Barclays cash ISA, say, where they are more than happy to leave you earning 0.1% on an “old account”).
The reason I keep money there is that there’s a long shot chance of winning a big prize (£500k or £1mil). Odds are as bad as the lottery but, unlike that scam, you get to keep your stake money😁
10
Yeah it certainly gives a bit of excitement once a month when the winning numbers are announced.
It feels good even if you only win 25 notes.
7
Hang on in there Ron, your time will come 👍
6
Thanks Sick.
I’m off to Antigua when it happens.
7
I’ve had £50’s worth since January 1970. Guess how much I’ve won.
8
The square root of 89 plus 3 divided by fuck all, perchance?
6
With Salma Hayek 😉
8
I’m going to buy a small island, Ron.
And a boat.
Some solar panels and small wind turbines.
Get some shipping containers, convert them to holiday homes.
Drop ’em off Saturday afternoon, pick ‘ em up Saturday morning.
Exclusive, see! The rich like exclusive.
I’ll be a millionaire.
Oh, hang on. If I win the top prize, I am a millionaire.
I haven’t thought this through, fully.
7
Sounds like an idea needing a bit of work JP
4
What’s the chance your Milkman is called Ernie and milking you dry.
4
I called the milkman Dad.
4
My mother bought me one when they came. The 50s? I was but a child. I still have the fucker. I have won fuck all.
7
The best one I saw was a few years ago when you still looked up the winners on Ceefax. Some jammy cunt in Glasgow won a million with bond holding of just £4.
Had to be a Glasweggie of course. Probably now long since dead fae the drenk an’ the crack.
8
My birthday is early in December and mostly falls on a PB draw day, I’m always bitterly disappointed when I don’t win even a lousy £25 and swear revenge on the corrupt PB arseholes.
I did win £125 on this months draw though. Fuck you ERNIE!
3
Put her annual board and lodgings up , say , £725 .
That’ll learn her
6
Nah she might get it into her little head to retaliate by charging me for a shag. I’d be on a loser.
11
With premium bonds, over the last couple of years, I have received the equivalent of over 3% per annum – at a time when most instant access savings accounts were paying less than 1%. So decidedly not a cunt, IMO.
5
A very good point Ruff.
3
It’s a fucking fix!
My Missus found a £5 one that was given to her at birth in 1971. Now that was about half a weeks wages for my old man back then, so a fair amount. It was so old it took them weeks and loads of online forms to trace it…not a fucking sausage in 50 years! Fucking rip-off cunts!
7
Both the missus and I averaged for the 21/22 period approximately %1.3 return, with that in mind it is tax free….:☹️
6
I’d agree with that, WCC, Elders had a £5 one, yes you could get £5, 40+ years ago.
Hasn’t ever had hooha on it.
5
Off topic but I just came across this.
Boiling piss on standby.
https://www.rac.co.uk/drive/news/motoring-news/drivers-could-soon-face-paying-a-tyre-tax-to-help-tackle-emissions/
5
A tax on rubbers? Oh dear.
As a gentleman, I prefer premium blonds.
2
Do a nom, John.
This is a worthy subject.
3
POS electric cars emit more tyre particulates than conventional tyres (due to the weight of the batteries etc and torque of the drive motors) so to make it fair just levy this on electric cars. That’s fair enough😁
6
Conventional cars 🙄
3
I bought max amount after I sold my gaff and didn’t want the money sat in the bank so those grabbing cunts could use it.
First month 250 quid, next month 200 next 150….. I was amazed at how linear the month on month drop to winning fuck all was
1