Last night the wife and I sat down to watch ‘The Bridge at Remagen’, a film we hadn’t seen in years. For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this flick, let me say that it tells the story of the battle for control of the Ludendorff Bridge over the Rhine during the last days of WWII. It’s a cracking watch, with a great story, strong performances, terrific battle scenes, and… Robert ‘Man from Uncle’ Vaughn.
Now don’t get me wrong. Vaughn does a decent turn as the sympathetic, world weary German officer tasked with defending the bridge against the advancing Yank army. Trouble is, he can’t resist lapsing into a daft ‘ve haff vays’ parody of a German accent which is as distracting as it’s irritating, and worst of all, unnecessary.
Afterwards this got us thinking about just how many other ‘cod’ accents have threatened to de-rail an otherwise good film over the years. Take that perennial favourite, PoW drama ‘The Great Escape’. Jame’s Coburn’s ‘struth g’day cobber’ Aussie sounds as though he’s got a mouthful of marbles. Dire.
Anybody remember Josh Ackland’s woeful ‘Sith Iffriken’ in ‘Lethal Weapon 2’, or the grotesque Yiddisher/German gabble of Olivier in ‘The Jazz Singer’? And how about Nicholarse Cage’s excrable attempt to ‘speeka di eetalian’ in ‘Captain Corelli’s Mandolin’?
Attempts at ‘Oirish’ have produced some of the worst offences. Think of ‘Tiny Tim’ Cruise in ‘Home and Away’, and Tommy Lee Jones’s laughable attempts in ‘Blown Away’.
The list is long, but I’ll wind up by referring to what is widely regarded by fans and critics alike as the worst fake accent in cinema history. Step forward Dick van Dyke, whose ‘indoobitably Bairy Boppins’ cockney sets the standard by which all others must be measured. Indeed it’s so awful that van Dyke still feels the need to apologise for it donkey’s years later. Indeed, the one thing that Don Cheadle’s mockney accent in ‘Ocean’s 11’ has going for it is that it’s slightly better than Bert’s.
Okay, I’ll leave the last word on the subject to Cary Elwes in ‘Robin Hood: Men in Tights’, who famously says ‘unlike some other Robins, I can speak with an English accent’. There’s a lesson there for film-makers, as this screen depiction of one of England’s greatest kings aptly illustrates…
Nominated by: Ron Knee
(For shits and giggles, Day Admin – Top 10 Worst Movie Accents )
Excellent cunting Ron.
Here is John Wayne playing er….Genghis Khan, complete with authentic accent.
YouTube
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‘Yer bootiful in yer wrath!’.
Big John, screen legend.
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In my youth I had a very strong regional accent. In my late teens when I was working in Evesham about forty miles from where I was raised many of the locals simply could not understand me. In later times I worked all over the UK literally from Penzance to Aberdeen and people could tell where I came from but understood me without difficulty. A regular source of amusement to me was meeting folks who were so parochial that they found it funny to try to mimic my dialect while being totally unaware that they had an accent so strong you could tell the street in which they were raised. Most conspicuous in this group were cockneys who spoke with massive glottal stops and pronounced letter Ls as Ws but were absolutely convinced they spoke RP.
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Jude Law in Enemy at The Gates. “Cor blimey Vladimir, get up those apples and pears sharpish you caaant!”.
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Truly memorable!
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I’m not sure this really qualifies but Sean Connery speaking in Russian in The Hunt for Red October . Even in Russian his Edinburgh accent comes through strongly, like your fingers through soggy bog paper.
Equally awful is Clint Eastwood speaking Russian in Firefox. Ffs, absolutely no attempt at a Russian accent, just the words .
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British war films in the 50’s often had British actors playing German officers, with ridiculous fake accents.
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‘Vor you, ze var iss offer!’
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_Z6tv7cQmM
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Off topic, but I thought this was about my ex-wife.
https://twitter.com/thehill/status/1628357957460152322
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Gwyneth Turkey Neck in Sliding Doors. ‘You Wenker! You sed sed wenker!’
Tom Cruise in Far and Away. The worst Irish accent in the history of cinema.
Mick Jagger in Ned Kelly. Couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag.
Madogg in Evita. Madogga is herself (i.e: shite) in every flim she is in .
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Kevin Costner in Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves.
‘Soon we;ll be at my father’s castle in Nodding-ham!’
Cunt.
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Mel Gibson in Braveheart too, as if the liberties Hollywood took with historical accuracy wasn’t bad enough.
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Absolutely.
Then again it seems as tho Hollywood hasn’t been interested in ‘the truth’ for years, only a narrative that can be twisted to suit certain agendas.
Most Hollywood films these days are boring, and not remotely worth the ticket price. On the whole, European and Latin American films are far superior in my view.
Oh, and Gibson’s a total cockhead.
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Agreed Ron, Brazilian crime thriller ‘City of God’ is worth a look.
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Brilliant film. Very disturbing.
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‘City of God’ is stunning, so is ‘Amores Perros’.
Argentina has produced some classics too over the years. Try
‘The Secret in Their Eyes’ and ‘Wild Tales’ for starters. Both highly recommended.
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Listen to anything that overated slut Nicole Kidman is in. Has to be the worst actor in the history of acting. The leaning tower of pizza moves more then this whore.
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Mate of mine works at both Manchester and Heathrow airports. He has met Kidman while he’s been working, and he says she is a complete cunt.
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A diva?
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Surly this man was the son of god, those immortal lines read by the most celebrated Cowboy of all time, the Duke (John Wayne) in the Greatest story ever told.!
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Daniel Craig in Knives Out, where he plays a deep south American Columbo type character.
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I often had trouble trying to follow what he was saying in the film; ended up watching it with the subtitles on.
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Keanu Reeves as Jonathan Harcourt in Dracula always sticks in my mind as abismal. Apparently Reeves went to Eton College to try and get a feel for the accent, ha.
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Harker, but yes he was almost brilliant in how bad his accent is
‘Leesen to tha sheeldren of da naat, what swate mhuseek thay marke!’
Mewsic? Those Creet-yures!’.
I didn’t rate Oldman’s accent either.
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Donald Sutherland’s Sure and Begorrah, Top o’ the Morning to Ye Oirish accent in The Eagle Has Landed.
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If you want a film full of terrible accents, I recommend Francis Ford Coppola’s Dracula adaptation.
Gloriously shit and more ham than a German Market in October.
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Keanu Reaves as Jonathan Harker. I couldn’t get past his Bill and Ted character. “Woah! It’s Count Dracula, dude, and he’s all young again! Excellent”
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