Perfume/Fragrance Adverts (2)

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It’s that time of year when perfume/eau de toilette adverts are most prominent.
Let’s cut to the chase – (puts on America southern drawl accent) I do declare that perfume adverts are some of the most pretentious, cuntwaffle I ever did see.

In the red corner we have Johnny (I let my missus shit on my bed) Depp trying to make out that he’s some sort of macho, one of the wolf pack, frustrated rock guitarist, rebel hawiking perfume.

Let me just say that I would never buy aftershave from a bloke who’s girlfriend shits on his bed. For some reason I think it will probably smell like shit.

Then we have all the others. I remember the Brad Pitt Chanel advert and the Natalie Portman perfume advert.

I will not be bought by the promise of a movie star saying and doing things I don’t quite understand.

What was that quote from Fight Club?
“We buy things we don’t need to impress people who don’t care”

Nominated by: Harold

131 thoughts on “Perfume/Fragrance Adverts (2)”

    • Probably – it’s whar I say when watching adverts. Apropos advert for some Nissan with family of dark ones “oh look, they’ve just nicked it”.

  5. Julia Roberts is in one I think.

    I can’t work out how she manages to smile and show so many teeth.
    Almost all of them.

    2 cock gob.

    • I used to fancy Julia until she didn’t shave be her armpits and pubic hair in general for about a year.

      Fucking disgusting when she lifted her arms up to show us.

      She should’ve been locked up in the nuthouse for that. She had more hair in her pits than Brian Blessed.

      Imagine the state of her legs and growler?

    • If you look really closely you can just make out in the filtrum that she has had ‘hairlip’ surgery, just like brother Eric.

    • Oh CB, don’t be such a milksop! Biggest turn-on I know is a nice luxuriant dark thatch down below.

  6. “Daisy,daisy,daisy”…
    Some Manson cult types flogging perfume.

    I don’t wear aftershave.
    I don’t consider myself a svengali.

    Deodorant is ok.
    But swanning about in perfume is a bit too ‘Peter Stringfellow ‘ for me.

    And it’s advertised by cunts I loath!
    Beckham, domestic abuse survivor Johnny Depp.

    Naw, a man should be more like Johnny Weissmuller less like Liza Minelli.

  7. And perfume adverts are not that bad.
    The woman in them are generally fit and fuckable.

    The advertisers haven’t gone down the route of only using fat, ugly black women.

    • Just you wait until they bring out Gwyneth Paltrows version of her “This smells like my v@gina” perfume for dusky ladies only starring a near naked Lizzo writhing around provocatively in a heap of rotting pilchards.

      • That advert has been cunningly designed to stop any cunt buying whatever the fuck it is.

    • Aye.

      There’s a blonde bird on a ship screaming opera shite.

      Fit as and a cracking pair on her. Gives me the right horn.

      No fucking idea what she’s selling, I’m too busy looking at her tits.

      The one on the ‘Dylan Turquoise ‘ advert is a good un too, but she’s eyeing up a black gentleman, which put me off her. Once you go black, we don’t want you back. I think that one is aimed at birds’ perfume because it’s a Paco Rabbane one that’s not gay as fuck.

    • Having seen that ‘Sauvage’ advert (on a relatives TV appliance) I suspect he’s a native of Worcestershire.

    • It’s fucking embarrassing is that.

      Ooh look at me all hard with my guitar and wolves.

      Hard? His Mrs knocked him about and shat on his bed.

  10. The Paco Rabbane ones are the worst

    They must only want gays to buy their product. I’d be insulted if someone bought me some of that.

    A hose down in the coal yard with carbolic soap is all a real man needs anyway, the big puffs.

  11. Has anyone else noticed a very large influx of benders and fruity gentlemen more and more in these adverts?

    Fàggot spray to attract fellow bum Rimmers into a spot of deviancy methinks?

  12. Wrights Coal Tar Soap.

    The reassuring smell of bleach.

    These are The only products a true, rugged, outdoors type gentleman, (like many that post here) should smell of.

    Anything else is a sure sign of The Gayness.

    • Absolutely Leonardo. And we true rugged outdoors-type gentlemen wipe our arses on sheets of Izal, or failing that, #24-grit sandpaper. None of that limp labrador puppy rubbish for us.

  14. Smells I like are fresh cut grass,
    Hot tarmac, bread baking, pine sap,
    But they don’t do aftershave like that.

    I refuse to smell like some Frenchman.

    Those cunts bathe in aftershave to hide the fact they haven’t washed their arse.

      • Foxy?
        You know, that could well be Vernon Fox.
        Right age, right place,
        Same lingo.

        Hope not, what was sent to Southgate is true ,
        But ill advised.

        Hope Brian’s community service isn’t on a mosque 😄

      • You should’ve been his character witness, seeing as you are now Counter of the Year.

        Ok, probably not him and I’m keeping out if it.

        Gareth Southgate is the finest manager ever.

        Back to the topic, I used to buy men’s shite like this in the 90s early noughties. Blue Water etc.

        Now, it’s all designed to attract bummers. Not for me is that.

      • Admin I had a nom sent in about the England manager recently.

        Please delete I disavow anything within it. I don’t think there’s owt dodgy in it, but I may have been pissed. He’s clearly the greatest manager ever etc.

        And MNC put me up to it anyway.

        Gulp.

      • Harsh sentence though. No racist slurs that I could see, but sending a direct email to a famous ‘woke’ person and calling them a cunt is asking for bother.

      • Harsh indeed.

        And Brian will be on a list as a potential threat to Gareth, Security will look in to Brian and his whereabouts when England play.

        Doesn’t mention Brian’s trade or occupation does it?

        I know Foxy had more jobs than Mr Ben.

        Solicitor, scuba diving instructor, milkman, pr executive, stuntman,
        Chairman of we the people, alligator wrestler,
        Etc

        Lives life to the full!😁

      • Some papers say he’s 36. Some 56. Ain’t modern journalism great? Hard to tell on the photos. A normal youngish looking 56 year old or a 36 year old whose had an uphill paper round.

        Job? Some say maintenance contractor some say unemployed.

        Fucking media are useless lol.

      • Represented himself….

        It’s a egregious abuse of my rights…

        I’ll be appealing….

        Doesn’t know when to shut the fuck up does he?

        Frying pan-fire.

      • Did he have a camper van, then?
        If you are reading this Vern:

        Can I borrow it for the first two weeks in March?😀

        I will bring my own bedding and top her up with fuel👍

      • A more appropriate punishment would have been a season ticket for local Wimminz team, with compulsory attendance 😂

      • Thanks for the link CB. I find this really seriously disturbing. I am not joking. I worry about what this country will become in a few years time, quite possibly after I’m dead, but I’m seriously thinking in terms of trying to persuade the daughters to emigrate and take the kids with them.

      • Oh me too Arfur.

        If calling someone a cunt gets you a criminal record nowadays, then this place is fucking doomed.

        Cops should’ve warned the daft fucker and told him that doing it again would mean it’s harassment and he’ll be charged. If you’re daft enough to then send another email calling that person a cunt, you deserve locking up I suppose for stupidity alone.

        All seems a bit 1984 at the minute though. That twat whose name I’ve forgotten who took the piss out of Greta the other day, has been arrested for rape and people trafficking (I think, can’t be arsed checking)

        Now, he sounds like a bellend and it could all be true…but the timing is funny.

        Has a go at a famous wokey…look what happened next.

        Coincidence? Probably. Just….hmmmm.

        I’ll tell you what. I’m going to be a good boy in 2023.

        Double plus good, in fact.

    • If Cloughie, The Doc or Big Mai had got this ‘abuse’, they would have laughed it off and then binned it. But we know Wokegate isn’t anywhere near those three, as a man or as a manager. And nobody likes a grass, except another woke grass…🤔

      • Graham Taylor got dogs abuse. A nation’s media on his back, death threats, you name it. Yet Wokegate is ‘offended’ by one solitary e-mail?! No wonder the England team doesn’t have a backbone and fails so often…🙄

      • Chilling words from the magistrate. I’m paraphrasing here, but it was something like ‘he now has a criminal record which will have a profound effect on his life and prospects.’

        I think potentially ruining someone’s life over a sweary (nobody was racially abused from what I read) email is a bit much. A warning not to send again should’ve been the end of it.

        Thing is, wokies think it’s perfectly justified to destroy someone’s life for a daft email/tweet whatever. Madness!

  15. There’s one with a gay bloke who becomes half horse.

    One step away from ‘Merman’.

    Yes, yes I know minotaur (but I bet they didn’t make him fruity in mythology.)

  16. Can fellow cunters recommend a Chemical fragrance strong enough to “mask” the smell of the ever increasing hordes of smelly Peaceful’s & Afrucunts that are slowly conquering our once Green & Pleasant (smelling) land?

    Er’ Indoors suggests Lynx Africunt, as demonstrated on that advertising campaign last year, where a “ginger” (anag)* with milk-bottle glasses, douses himself in the stuff, then goes out into the street (Brixton, presumably) and has white women floating towards him-like the Bisto-Kids, circa 1980.

    I scoffed at the this, suggesting that slurry from the local farm, applied by a side-discharge muck spreader, would be the minimum requirement, to mask the stench. (& environmentally friendly)

    Can fellow cunters help settle this debate and thus restore the peace at the homestead.

    Ps: “Happy Kwaanza!”

    *©️ Sam Beau

  17. I bought of can of pheromone spray for men…meant to have the tarts frothing at the gash after one whiff…give myself a good dosing and headed for the Pub on the ladies’ Weightwatchers night…posed majestically in front of the roaring fire as they filed in and I could see that I’d certainly attracted their attention…noses wrinkling, taking deep breaths to savour the full effect etc….”powerful drop of stuff this”…I thought ” I’d best gan canny in future or I’m liable to get meself molested”….sure enough the lead behemoth waddled up to me,looked me up and down,took a few deep mouth breaths and bellowed ” Fucks Sake,Fiddler, have you shat yourself?”…..well,I was mortified…. I mean,really…what fucking use is a spray if it doesn’t cover up the smell of Guinness shite ?…..It’s back to the High Karate for me.

  18. It’s the Dolce & Gabbana perfume advert where that poof kisses his reflection in the mirror that brings forth a tirade of abuse in my gaff.
    I wish someone would sneak up behind him and smash his face repeatedly into the mirror till it was such a bloody mess, even Anne Widdecombe wouldn’t kiss it.

  21. Perfume adverts are indeed pervy and weird. I remember one finishing with a man moaning “Ohhh, the smell of it”. Twit.

    You can’t beat the ancient Old Spice advert, with a man surfing over deep blue waves to the music of Carmina Burana. My father wore Old Spice when I was a kid, splashing it on to cool his skin after shaving. It was the smell of my childhood and still reminds me of him.

  22. Re the Nom photo:

    They shoot horses don’t they?
    Probably-after it endured that photoshoot 😢

    • That Brut one where Kevin Keegan flicks Henry Cooper’s arse with a towel was very disturbing.

      I real life, if some bloke had flicked Henry’s arse like that in a changing room, he’d have put the cunt in a coma.

      Now that would’ve been a better advert.

      I’m keeping out of those salacious rumours about ‘King Kev’ and baseball bat wielding rent boys and all.

      • Considering the attending DCI in the Keegan-“lay-by-gate” story was a mate of mine, I can confirm that the “Great smell of Brut” isn’t the only thing he likes to have “Splased-all-over”.
        🤢

      • We need more details CG.

        Obviously, these are salacious rumours and we are just laughing at them, officer.

      • Heard the tales about Keggy for years.. Let’s just say he loved it when they beat him…. Loved it!😉

    • Hai-Karate-from an era (late 70’s) when men were men and had role models like Bodie & Doyle, Dirty Harry Callahan and birds like Daisy Duke!

      Now it’s Phillip Schofield, Rylan and Katie-fucking-Price😢

      • Still on the dialysis, CG, thanks for asking.👍 Doctor is pissing me off though. He is asking me why I am on a certain form of treatment, the inept cunt.🙄

      • You have actually seen a Doctor?
        What are you, a secret millionaire with access to Harley street?!!
        A mate of mine who now lives on the west coast (Workington), informed me that at one point last year they had the grand total of three (3) GP’s working. That’s for the entire west coast of Cumbria.
        Good Job Cuntservatives👏👏👏 “Workington man” obviously means so much to you……

        Joking aside, I could spend the next week “cunting” my experiences of the NH-fucking-S, in the past 6 months.
        Suffice to say, they are not all as well intentioned as our own DCI.

        Perhaps laughter truly IS(ac) the best medicine 👍

  25. What these Henry Cooper dousing dickheads don’t realise, is the pong doesn’t act immediately. I’ve walked past muscle bound pillocks reeking like a brown hatters brothel leaving me gasping for fresh air and a sit down.

  28. Almost as bad as fragrance ads are the Gillette razor ones. Shirt lifters like Raheem Sterling flashing a multi blade across his bum fluff flecked boat race.
    Only the likes of Henry Cooper and Barry Sheen got it right.
    Proper Blokes.

    • Barry sheen-what a fucking legend-birds, bikes, birds, flicking the “V”s at Americunt rivals on the track, more birds, booze, even more birds and a scrap value of £75k

      • And the great James Hunt (RIP). Only George Best and the aformentioned Bazza rival Hunt as sport’s top fanny magnet.

      • Hunt was a toff though Norm.
        Baz was “one of yer own”.
        I can imagine he was like most of us lads on IsAC-sitting at the back of the classroom, cunting the weird kids and cunty teachers (whilst achieving academic excellence, obviously),
        Fingering the best looking birds behind the bike-sheds-including those in Worcestershire-, skiving off cross country runs to have a swift half in the local pub, etc, etc, etc…

        Of course IsAC has its share of cunters who were educated in the Independent school system, one imagines they were busy necking back Champagne and fingering Matron😉

  29. Depp is a cunt.
    Pitt is a cunt.
    Portman is a super cunt.
    Julia Roberts is a cunt.
    Clooney is a cunt.
    All Hollyweird is full of cunts.

    In the 70s and 80s, we had our own stars and celebrities to do adverts. But now these greedy rapacious Hollyweird cunts hoover up everything. Most of the freaks can’t even fucking act. One can imagine the joy (I don’t think) of someone with brains watching these commercials as Christmas looms. ‘Oh, look at that. Some billionaire well past it looney Hollywood fucker who doesn’t give a fuck if I or anyone else is alive or dead, getting paid yet more money to encourage me to part with my hard earned for a bottle of designer piss.’🙄

      • Clooney is the ultimate Hollyweird woke slimeball and celebrity cunt. One can imagine Fatfuck Corden collapsing in a puddle of his own lard after arselicking Clooney too much.

      • Glad I am not the only one to be puzzled by all the drooling over that horse faced twat👍

      • Never got the Julia Roberts love-in. Not even in the 90s. Looks like Shergar with lipstick, and a totally obnoxious cunt and all (allegedly blah blah).

        At least Sharon Stone was worth a wank back in the day…

  30. Remember Peter Wyngarde and those Tabac adverts?
    Look what happened to him!
    The overuse of these products leads to The Gayness I tell you! 🤔

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