Saunas are abominations.

Why would anyone want to pay £15.00 to be trapped in a tiny steaming hot hell hole, sweating buckets, in close contact with other humans sweating grease, ooze and dirt out of their bodies. What is the fun in sitting in an unbearably hot room, so thick with acrid humidity that one can’t breathe?

This hellish health treatment originated in Finland. After the war, German soldiers brought the habit back to Germany and Austria, where it became popular in the second half of the 20th century. Compared to fighting in a Nazi battalion, I suppose it would seem pleasant – but only marginally so. Those dastardly Finns have even installed a sauna in a ferris wheel in Helsinki. It’s called the SkySauna. My definition of hell is to be trapped in the Sky Sauna, 200 feet above the grim Helsinki cityscape, my life ebbing away in a cloud of boiling acrid steam, with half a dozen overweight sweating Finns. In what parallel universe could this even be considered desirable?

My wife loves saunas and would like to install one in the house. I’d prefer an extension to my garage. At least there I can breathe in beautiful petrol fumes – vastly preferable to a sauna.

Saunas are cunts.

The Grauniad Link.

Nominated by: MMCM

44 thoughts on “Saunas

  1. It’s not just the sauna that is the attraction – it is the apres sauna, when nubile young women, (like lovely Lisa Nandy, but keeping her political opinions to herself) offer topless hand relief and other extras, like deep,satisfying hydromassage to get rid of any stiffness – at leastthat is what I am told. Avoid the one that Angela Rayner works in – she would just offer golden showers and a bill from the Cjold Allowance Support people.

      • Mandy’s Knocking Shop
        c/o Bendover Bradshaw’s Lube Store
        Lisle Street
        Leicester Square

        (2nd floor – ring the bell twice)

        Men pay handsomely for her services though – be prepared to spend at least 50 pence.

  2. Saunas are the natural habitat of those afflicted with The Gayness.

    Dick has several on his vast estate for some reason.

    • I went in the sauna at the gym once,
      Fuck that.
      Way to hot for me.

      Dunno how benders sit in there for hours?
      I lasted a minute.

      As usual 😁

    • I do indeed…sad lonely places surrounded by Police tape and the rubbish left by photographers and ghouls on the “Sex crime sites of Northumberland” charabanc tours……I’ll always regret appointing you as my business manager,Mike….” Go for The Pink Pound” indeed…..and “pound” the poor,unsuspecting Fruity Gentlemen you certainly did….into a state of unconsciousness according to the Prosecutor at the trial….not that it mattered to you,of course….you’d already fled the Country on Dame Elton’s plane with your collection of vile souvenirs and Tom Daley leaving me to live with the shame of forever being known as ” The Sauna Sucker”…..jokes on you though,I’ve found a real business guru to turn my fortunes round after your disastrous appointment….A Mr. Gerald Ratner has approached me with an idea for ” Bling for Bummers”…we’ll make a fortune apparently.

    • Oi, I resemble that remark! Saunas are fucking awesome. Sweat your bollocks off, then jump into ice water. Massive shock to the skin that squeezes all the impurities out, along with a fair bit of wee!

  3. The only time I caught Covid was after the sauna at my pool was opened fully. They’re fucking biohazards.

  4. The first Mrs Odin was Danish and loved our mate’s sauna when we would borrow their summerhouse for the weekend.

    Hot and steamy sex while covered in oil, followed by a quick dip in the Baltic afterwards to cool off is something I highly recommend.

  5. Tyson Fury v Wladimir Klitschko.

    Apparently nobody could outlast Big Wlad when it come to the sauna. Until crazy cunt Fury came along that is.

    Klitschko claims to not remember the incident here but the look on his face says it all 😂

    (30 second clip)

  6. Imagine sharing a sauna and/or a hot tub with Labour’s Front Bench!

    A hot and sweaty Starmer bending over the hot coals
    Angie, legs wide open and letting last night’s 3 pints worth of strange men’s spunk dribble out.
    Dodds fondling her pancake tits, while sniffing her stench-ridden arm pits
    Lammy scraping the cheese off his knob
    Jess Phillips letting off some wet farts
    and Emily Thornberry begging to sit on your face for 30 minutes!

    Enjoy your breakfast

    • Expertly sums up exactly why I loathe saunas. Now imagine the door being jammed so you can’t get out.

    • Worse still is imagining your contorted face,glazed eyes, drooling mouth and strangled ” Ughh” as you applied the final (key) stroke to this farrago of filth.

      • “..Enjoy your breakfast…”

        Y’know those days you wish you’d never bookmarked this fucking site?

    • Wes Streeting, Chris Bryant, Peter Kyle and Lloyd Russell-Moyle all bumming each others off in the cabin and girly squeals of delight to add to the horror of it. Starmer would probably keep his glasses on.

  7. The sauna was not invented by the bloody Finns.

    It was Eltons John,for reasons that remain unclear.

    A cold hard fact that..unless it was Mr.M.Barrymore instead.

    Good morning gentlemen.

  8. The American Indians used sweat lodges which is the same as a sauna.
    They’d have visions and come out all dizzy.

    So not sure about the Finn’s inventing saunas,
    But either way saunas are fuckin useless.

    Sat sweating with a bunch of strangers?
    I get that at probation or a police line up.

    • Off topic – Kier Starmer on news saying he’d scrap the house of Lords if he gets in.

      Get rid of the old parasites.

      I might vote Labour?😃

      • I know WC.
        Was only joking,
        I’ll never vote for any mainstream party ever again no matter what they promised.

        All lying fuckers.

  9. When I lived in a large Yorkshire town Saunas were full of cunt, for a nominal price, not actually cunts.
    So I was told…..

  10. I’ve just received an e-mail from a firm that I used to order some spring bulbs……

    ” Dear, xxxx
    Now that you know who we are, we’d love to get to know you better. Tell us more about yourself to help us understand your personal taste and needs.

    Let’s talk about you.
    It should only take two minutes—hey, that’s less time than it takes to plant a bag of bulbs. We promise your feedback will help us get to know you better”

    They’re in for an eye-opening treat

    • As long as you remember to respect modern day sensitivities Fiddler.

      This isn’t the 1950’s anymore.

    • Morning CC…there is genuinely such a thing as a Welsh sauna:
      It was quite surprising…I’d justifiably assumed a Welsh sauna was two lusty Hobbit-looking gentlemen pulling a train on an unwilling, lipstick-sporting sheep strapped into a bondage harness in a small shed with a couple of boiling kettles to provide ambience.

  11. I used to use the one at the gym when I was a regular.

    Would keep my head down and not talk to any cunt. Gays like to go in.

    Always felt great after a sauna.

    It’s just a shame you can’t have one without worrying about benders coming in for a p e r v.

    • I used to be a member of a squash club which had a gym and sauna, one Saturday morning after using the gym I went into the sauna, lovely bit of stuff flat out starkers, she covered up but said that she wouldn’t have bothered but her daughter was in there.

      No fucking luck 🤨

  12. This rather fine nom has reminded me of the time when I was a stand up comedian. I had a routine that involved a sauna, which went something like this:

    “Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and those who aren’t sure, ha ha….

    You know what happened to me the other day? I was walking down the street, ha ha ha, walking down the street, ha ha ha, and this redneck he come up to me and he said, ‘Hey boy,’ and I said, what do you mean hey boy? And he said to me, ‘You a boy, ain’t ya?’ So I said no, I’m a dwârf!

    “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, what do you think of that then? Hur hur hur, you got to laugh at that – that’s one of my best jokes!

    “Which reminds me… I was in the sauna bath the other day. You know what a sauna bath is? It’s where you go and get wet, right? Anyway, I was in the sauna bath the other day, and this dwârf came in and he said, ‘Hey man, what you doing in here, this is a private sauna bath…’

    “And I went ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, HA, HA – I was in a private sauna bath!”

    Not bad, eh what?

      • If only those Arts Council cunts had approved my grant application 50 years ago, I’d be a national fucking treasure today.

        And Britain would now be splitting its sides, instead of wallowing in all this doom and gloom, the moaning minnies!

  13. Not quite a sauna but my neighbour was out on his patio deck in a fucking hot tub yesterday! What kind of cunt does that sort of shit … crazy bastard. He was sat there gazing at his phone probably sending selfies to his fuckwit family. This guy has just had laser surgery on his scalp (100x100mm area of burnt damaged skin so pretty serious) to deal with skin cancer brought about by his crazy addiction sun worshipping …
    Anyway, all that stuff is ol’ bollocks and should be banned as they must be environmentally unsound.

  14. I love saunas, they help me relax after a bit of exercise and helps with my skin pores.
    although it is in a mixed one i would love it if some and i quote ‘half a dozen overweight sweating Finns’ were to invade my space lol
    but thats another story 🙂

    • The Romans had saunas near Hadrian’s wall.
      In a fort near Ravenglass.

      I’m not sure about the Finn’s claims they invented it.

  15. If you want to live in a sauna 9 months out of the year, come to my part of the world.
    South Texas.

  16. Finland have or had a sauna competition, for who could stand the most intense heat the longest, until someone died a few years ago.

    • I have my own, well it’s a steam room, it’s a normal shower cubicle which could fit four people if they stood close together, with a generator, a roof and a special door. I used it yesterday as I was hoping it would have a beneficial effect on my chest infection, and there has been some improvement. I could think of one or two young ladies I could share it with, which would have a beneficial effect on my penis, but that hasn’t happened yet.

  17. A friend of mine once asked if I could make it to his place in Sweden for a bbq in the middle of winter.
    The only food was to be reindeer, and the only booze was to be vodka.
    This was to be followed by the obligatory sauna, scourging with birch twigs, and the leap of death into a hole in the ice – all at a bollox solidifying -20 degrees.
    I declined.

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