Spandau Ballet

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Spandau Ballet are cunts.

We recently had a nom here about song lyrics getting censored by the woke Stasi.
Well, that got me thinking about some of the worst lyrics of all time. Namely those by Gary Kemp for his band, Spandau Ballet. Some real stinkers in the following:

‘She used to be a diplomat. But now she’s down the laundromat (from ‘Highly Strung’).

‘I bought a ticket to the world. But now I’ve come back again (‘True’).

‘Take your seaside arms and write the next line’ (‘True’).

‘I was just beginning to grow strong. She was only eighteen summers long’ (‘Round and Round’).

I’m just an average boy, you’re more than average girl. But when you sing to me the Shoo-be-doos you sing so well’ (‘I’ll Fly For You’).

‘We made our love on wasteland, and through the barricades’. (‘Through The Barricades’).

Absolutely rank.🤣

Check out this pile of wank: https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/spandauballet/instinction.html
(Link provided by our resident music maestro, Night Admin – NA)

Nominated by: Norman

97 thoughts on “Spandau Ballet”

  1. Bob Dylan once said that the 80s were the age of “musical masturbation”. He wasn’t wrong….

    Mind you, it hasn’t got any better.

    • Hard to disagree with the great man,albeit one whose own creative tanks had long run dry by that point but we got some gold among the shit and shinola.Van Halen,Knopfler,Sranglers etc.

  2. Each and every one of those boys has POOFTER written all over him.

    I wonder what Jimmy Savile’s favourite song line was? – “Run girl, you’re much too young girl”?. No probaby not. Who wrote that anyway? – long before these nancy boys time.

  3. By the 1980s Spandau prison was kept open to house only Rudolf Hess. They should have imprisoned these 5 wankers with him.

  4. Watch out, you might get what you’re after
    Cool baby, strange but not a stranger
    I am an ordinary guy

    Them are lyrics unlike
    We built this city
    We built this city on rock an roll
    New Romantics were a mixture of wankers and half fags when I was growing up
    Never understood the fascination with the poseurs

  7. “As they pulled you out of the oxygen tent,
    You asked where’s the latest party,
    With your silicon hump
    And your ten inch stump
    Dressed like a priest you was,
    Todd Brownings freak you was”

    David Bowie
    Diamond dogs

  8. It was on the good ship Venus
    By Christ you should of seen us
    The figurehead was whore in bed
    And the mast a mammoth penis!

    The captain of this saga
    He was a dirty bugger
    He wasn’t fit to shovel shit
    From one place to another.

    Friggin in the riggin
    Friggin in the riggin
    Friggin in the riggin
    There was fuck all else to do

    They don’t write em like that anymore!!

    • Perhaps back in their bucolic “Village Green” period The Kinks wrote a song dedicated to the great Standards in Public life expert, Chris Bryant. It never made the final cut:

      “Under the village chestnut tree
      The village vicar sat
      Amusing himself by abusing himself,
      And catching the drips in his hat”

      • You’re lucky I had to listen to the Light Programme’s “Midday Spin” in the sixties, John. It was a favourite of Sam Costa’s as I recall. Where I worked at the time had that bloody station blaring out all day long. It got worse with Radio1 & 2 (who used to go in and out of each others schedules like a fiddlers elbow in their early days). Bleeding Tony Blackburn. I left there early in 1968…..

    • “…The captain of this saga
      He was a dirty bugger…”

      I think it was “lugger” as in a vessel rigged with a lugsail

    • Cunts who wear yellow or pink cardigans , pleated trousers and pointy shoes and of course a white shirt with pointed collar Armani style.
      One knew Top of the Pops was fucked from that day onwards

  10. I notice Gary Kemp in the nom picture, but I thought his bald headed, ginger shagging, eastenders star brother Ross Kemp was in this ensemble of Überqweers?

  11. Anyone here remember baritone voiced Ruth Kelly, many year ago a Blairite?. She was supposedly at one time into David Miliband – though I suspect strongly that there was an element of “mutual protection”, in that you had a seemingly lezzie lady at a time when it wasn’t quite as popular as it is today under the tranny lover, and Miliband, a dear friend of Mandy and Pur-nell, well he married a hatchet faced cello player and “adopted” two boys – perhaps not firing on all cylinders.

    I wonder what Ruth & Dave regarded as “their” song?. An adapted Shirley Bassey lyric perhaps? “Fuck me, honey, honey, fuck me/Don’t care even if I blow my top, but , Dave, dear – don’t stop”.

    They seemed such a frustrated couple……..

  12. ”The mice in their million hoards, from Ibiza to the Norfolk Broads. (Bowie)

    ”I look at the floor and I see it needs sweeping (Harrison)

    ”I told you bout our kid now he’s married to Mabel (George again)

    There are plenty of examples from some great songs. I dont think Spandau are any worse.

  13. I think it was Andy Summers of The Police who said “We got so big, we could have recorded the three of us farting and we’d have got to number one”.
    Same with these wankers. Duran Duran weren’t much better lyrically either.
    Martin Kemp must also be the most suspect bass player since Sid Vicious. He only got the gig so the record company could promote the ‘cute brothers in the same band’ angle.
    Pile of shite.

  14. The 80s was crap,
    And gradually got worse.
    Culminating in musical war crimes of stock, Aitken and Waterman.

    No one ever stood trial for this.
    And Pete Waterman still walks free to play with his train set.

    A band that had a string of hits in the early 80s was Adam and the ants.
    Not taken seriously,
    But I always liked that double drumming thing they did.
    See what you think

    https://youtu.be/Rm9drIwmmU4

  15. To cut a long story short, they were okay before they went “Golf club dance”, must of been after Musclebound, I can’t hate early Spandau, its was the soundtrack of my mid 20s, newly married, fresh faced, its all been down hill since then!

    • This nom had me searching online for 80s music I liked,
      It was scarce times.
      I managed to stay afloat due to the Smiths and the Fall,
      An the odd gem.

      Found this, kate Garner from Hayzee Fantasie,
      She used to make my teenage pecker spuirt!!

      https://youtu.be/tUJQigu0_04

      • I totally agree MNC that Kate Garner was as fit as a butchers dog. The bloke was a bit of a cunt though.

      • Morning Mr Biryani 👍
        Agreed,
        He’s a Jeremy.
        But she had a incredibly hot body.❤️

      • Smiths, Fall 👍

        Other ’80s music I like:

        Pet Shop Boys
        Sisters of Mercy
        The The
        The Cure (up to and including ‘Pornography’)

        Bound to be a few more, can’t think of them now, got to go do the washing up…

      • China Crisis were an above average combo.Tad fey maybe,but very good songs,Christian,Highest High,Wishful thinking.I feel they were possibly to cool for school in a largely soup of 80’s dross.Steely Dan’s Walter Becker dug em,even produced their classy ‘Flaunt the imperfection’ album which hasn’t aged badly at all.

  16. As daft as some lyrics may sound, few can be as hypocritically stupid as ‘Do they know it’s Christmas’.
    A plethora of pop star millionaires exalting joe public to feed the world and remind predominantly mud slime nations that it’s Christmas.
    And no fucker saw the irony.

    • Seems like no fucker saw the money either. Still sending billions in foreign aid. I got a knock at the door yesterday, some cunt stood there asking me to donate to the floods in Pakistan. I said I’d love to help but my hose only goes to the bottom of my garden.

      (We do have a nomination about the Pakistan Flood appeal due to go live soon – Day Admin)

    • Do they know it’s Christmas, arguably the biggest crock of shite since well fuck knows. Utter bollocks featuring a parade of famous for 10 minutes and a couple of champion fuckwits .
      I remember the first time the crap assaulted my ears, near made me spew.
      Lyrics should have been “They need more AK’S in Africa we could do with some RPG’s as well. Toyota to make our technicals more reliable and aid workers to kill, rape or sell.
      The Horn of Africa aptly named as the population of the countries that make up the arsehole of the World has increased by approx 150 % over the past 50 years. Not counting the fuckers that are here.

  17. Down in the Tube Station at Midnight

    The last thing that I saw
    As I lay there on the floor
    Was “Jesus Saves” painted by an atheist nutter
    And a British Rail poster read “Have an Awayday – a cheap holiday –
    Do it today!”
    I glanced back on life
    And thought about my wife
    ‘Cause they took the keys – and she’ll think it’s me
    And I’m down in the tube station at midnight…….

    Ok not quite the 80’s but not far off and whether you liked the Jam or not to me Paul Weller is one of the all time greats when it comes to writing and longevity.

    • I think Weller is overrated. The Jam got better up until The Gift. The introduction of that awful organ sound and a full on brass section paved the way for The Style Council. Prior to forming TSC, Weller famously slagged off synthesisers as he promoted his own brand of ‘social bovver boy guitar rock/pop’. Then he ditched Foxton and Buckler and released ‘Long Hot Summer’ as TSC whose main instrument was …..wait for it…..synthesisers. Cunt. I have all The Jam albums, plus all The Style Council albums. Only two or three of his solo ones and those were given to me by friends.

      And he’s a randy old sod too with about 8 or 9 kids at this point.

      He does score some points for being up Dee C Lee in the ’80s.

  18. Oh man has invented his doom
    First step was touching the moon

    Bob Dylan
    License to Kill

  19. In defence of Gary Kemp…….. he plays guitar in Nick Mason’s Saucerful of Secrets. Early Pink Floyd, played absolutely brilliantly. Spandau Ballet are shit, but the man Kemp plays and sings early Floyd superbly. Honestly.

  20. The Undertones knew how to write a lyric…

    “His mother bought him a synthesiser
    Got the Human League in to advise her
    Now he’s making lots of noise
    Playing along with the art school boys
    Girls try to attract his attention
    But what a shame, it’s in vain, total rejection
    He will never be left on the shelf
    ‘Cause Kevin, he’s in love with himself”

  22. Well, I can’t agree with this nom for Spandau Ballet, as Martin Kemp still gets my wife super wet….and saves me the leg work!

  23. “I am”… I said
    To no one there
    And no one heard at all
    Not even the chair

    Neil Diamond
    I Am… I Said

    There’s a killer on the road
    His brain is squirming like a toad

    Jim Morrison
    Riders on the Storm

    Only time will tell if we stand the test of time

    Van Halen
    Why Can’t This Be Love

    Generals gathered in their masses
    Just like witches at black masses

    Black Sabbath
    War Pigs

    I’m sorry that I doubted you, I was so unfair
    You were in a car crash, and you lost your hair

    Ringo Starr
    Don’t Pass Me By

  24. Meanwhile back in the real world, Motörhead blasted their way though the 80’s. Along with the Cult and the Mission.

  26. I was a teen in the 1980s and I love everything about it…the music, the cars, the tech and the general attitude of people and things.

    If I could trade one year back in the 80s for ten of what I have left now I would snatch your arm off…..I fucking hate modern life and it’s only getting worse.

    Fuck you all to hell if you’d rather live in the trendy, woke and Insta age…it sucks and stinks of shit.

    • Fucking right, SMS…I agree with every word.
      The only single thing better nowadays is easy access to porn.
      Having said that, I bought a whole bunch of Color Climax compilation VHS vids off a mate a couple of years ago and then had to buy a VHS player and CRT telly to play em on.. it was 70’s bushtastic!

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