Irritating and Pretentious Business Jargon

What does this mean to you?

Quote – “This update streamlines brand offerings across PC segments to enable and enhance Intel customer communication on each product’s value proposition, while simplifying the purchasing experience for customers.”

Any thoughts?

No?

Basically its yet more marketing business-speak jargon from some corporate PR guy saying that Intel is rebranding its computer processors (CPUs). But rather than just saying “we’re changing our brand names for the first time in almost 30 years…”, this twat has to come out with all the fancy bollocks above, which is totally meaningless to any cunt who doesn’t talk business-bollocks.

Perhaps we should all embrace this way of “communicating” in every day life?. For example:-

Husband – “Due to a major delay between consuming my last intake of nutritional product substances, I need to reach out as I am now in a critical situation of core food depravation and may need to reevaluate the scalability of my next intake by interfacing with the local retail outlet that proffers fish and chips along with a container of mushy peas. Would you like to embrace this ideological restructuring solution and participate in the additional resource scenario?”

Wife – “Nah, fuck that for a game of tiddlywinks. Get me a Maccy D King Deal and make it snappy, innit!”

Why can’t these cunts be honest and just keep it simple and stick to ordinary plain speaking rather than trying to polish an old turd with fancy and highly unimpressive jargon such as this and other “empowering blue sky synergy for logistical solutions and other low hanging scalable fruit by reaching out to the next level for maximum impact”

PR/marketing people really are pretentious cunts, as is their abuse of the English language.

The Register News Link

Nominated by: Technocunt

88 thoughts on “Irritating and Pretentious Business Jargon

  1. Pedantic.
    These corporate cunts are just displaying that they are products of university education and try to sound above the rest of us common folk.
    I’d like to see one of them change a spark plug.
    At the end of the day they are just cunts.

    • As I told a young fellow at work:
      “When changing a spark plug, it’s imperative to remember to tip about 3cc’s of iron filings into the empty plug hole or the new spark plug won’t attain the magnetic resonance requirements.”

      • Quite common for stupid cunts to sand blast the frames of old Bonnies ,don’t clean the crap out properly then refill the frames wit the oil – all as part of their top class “restoration process”. oil + sand into engine = fucked engine. Twats.

  2. The opening quote translates as “ we’re flogging it off cheap before the new stuff comes on the market.” and “the customer is thick as shit.”

  3. These panjandrums are incognizant labia majora, and should engage in intercourse at several light years hence, followed by their cessation of existence.

  4. Pretentious cunts trying to appear sophisticated and intelligent.
    The thing to remember about these people is this: on most days they sit on the toilet with their clothes bunched around their ankles making a terrible smell.
    What’s sophisticated about that?
    Cunts.

  5. I suffered it for years. Meaningless shite that achieved fuck all. We used to play a surreptitious game of bullshit bingo at Monday production meetings, or Blamestorming as we called them./

    • I loved Bullshit Bingo, it was the only thing that relieved the mind-numbing tedium of team meetings.
      We also played Shoehorn, where you had to insert a certain word into your reply to any question you might be asked, and it was always something mad like horseshoe, or crayfish.
      Happy days.

      • My all time favourite was bouillabaisse, and yes , someone managed to Shoehorn it into a response.
        We almost, just almost, burst into a round of applause.

      • When I am at a trade show the leather I try to sell comes in different thicknesses, which we do by drive shaving. If ever I was talking to a nice female I would always try and insert the phrase “we can shave it down below” into the conversation.

  6. One example I’ve never been able to forget came from that pretentious cunt Kevin McCloud who presents Grand Designs on tv. “It has no immediate visual impact” he informed us. He meant you couldn’t see it.

  7. I was always taught to write as I would talk.
    If you wouldn’t say it that way then don’t write it that way.

    However that was in the days when we were actually taught how to speak correctly.

    Most people nowadays talk with grunts, using some ridiculous variation of English, so I suppose that the old rule no longer applies.

  8. OOO on emails fucks me right off, bit ponsey.

    Dear Cunt,

    Please note I am OOO today.

    Read the wrong way it’s a bit poofy isn’t it, like it implied I am feeling a bit “oooo” today, bit queer, pink in thought, gay.

  9. An old boss of mine used, “cascade” a when giving out information.
    “So, could you guys cascade this to the other team?”
    First time he said it, we were all confused. “Cascade? You mean… tell the other folk?”
    LOL!

    Be clear, be concise, be clinical. Confusing people with unfamiliar words is a cunt. I also hate it in a book where there is a Latin phrase but it isn’t translated. Only a right pretentious cunt would do that. Imagine if we had a Prime Minister who did that? Oh wait…

    • Cascade sounds a bit like communal golden showers to me
      Beverage gets on my fucking wick. What is wrong with “drink”, for fuck’s… It can be hot/cold, alcoholic/non-, fizzy/still.
      Beaverage is quite fun, tho.
      The other all-time cunt-word is EMPOWERMENT. Just makes me want to blast shit.

  10. I worked for a firm who expected their staff to memorise ten core values that some corporate wankers had come up with. ‘Feedback is the breakfast of champions’ was one I remember.
    Needless to say, they were an absolute bunch on cunts who viewed their staff with contempt.
    The language of cunts!

    • At a warehouse I worked in they tried to instil “core values”
      Had fucking banners printed with this bollocks on and hung them all over the place.
      None of them made any sense to a normal bloke.
      With low wages, long hours and the strain of piloting a forklift like a fucking hell driver, to maintain a quota of moves per hour, a fat lot we fucking cared about them.
      I got out of there sharpish.

  11. A customer wanted her lawn cut a few months ago in time for a family birthday and BBQ.

    The text message read it was “mission critical” that I get it done the day before. Unlike NASA failing to launch their rocket, it got done but what kind of a twat talks like that?

  12. They have to justify the time spent at uni. One has to be able to unleash the beast of bullshit otherwise what’s the point of a three year brainwashing course in ethnic drumming and marine homeopathy.

    • I started at Durham 50 years ago this week reading economics. The first lecture had Professor Poore defining economics in the following brilliant statement ‘Economics is what economists do.’

  13. “To be fair” seems to have snuck in over the last couple of years. To be fair, to who ? Life isn’t fair, fucking deal with it.

    • Stuart Pearce loves “to be fair.” The cunt can’t stop saying it. That and “at the end of the day.” He started out as an electrician so we know where he learned to talk like a prick. In the world of football to be fair.

  14. One phrase which seems to have caught on in the business world is “reach out” instead of “contact”. I really hate that.

    Not really business-speak per se, but with the advent of cloud computing (needs a cunting in its own right by the way), the IT world needed a phrase to describe computer systems which companies still own but which are not in the cloud. “On site” would have been the obvious one, but oh-no. Let’s be fancy and use “on premises” instead. OK, fair enough. But…..the world is full of illiterate, ill educated cunts who say “on premise” instead. I am fucking astounded by the number of cunts who do not understand the difference between the words “premise” and “premises”.

    Fucking mong cunts. Mostly Indians too. They should cut their own tongues out. Do that fucking needful you bastards.

    • Afternoon IY, I was just going to post about “reach/reaching out”.
      I’m sure it must have originated in the U.S, as its got that Californian, Gwenyth Paltrow esk psychobabble feel to it where everyone sits on beanbags and chants.

      Nor is it just an office environment either it seems, I have heard it being used more and more on British TV in everyday conversation.

      • Afternoon LL.

        Most business related crap originates here. I did work in the UK for 12ish years before I defected to Yankland. I don’t remember UK offices being awash with this drivel, but I did notice the use of unfamiliar phrases the moment I touched down in Yankville. It’s been a rocky road ever since.

      • ‘Reach out’ is a phrase i sincerely hope stays in America. Actually i think ‘reach out’ mutated from ‘touch base’, z phrase my old boss overused in the 90s to much mockery by the little people. I think the cunt had recently been on an Open University management course. ‘Touch base’ had something to do with baseball, so it shouldnt be used by any right minded Englishman anyway.

    • My pet irritant that one. Whenever anyone puts this phrase to me, I respond by telling them I will indeed give a prompt “reach-around” to whomever they are directing their drivel at.

  15. I listened to the Kweer this afternoon, watch out for the buzz words being repeated over the new days/months.
    After a load of ‘I grew up in a pebbledashed terrace’ he went onto …..

    ‘A Fresh Start’ and ‘ Spread Opportunity to All’ and ‘100% Clean electricity by 2030’

    Labour fantasies, he obviously doesn’t anticipate winning the next general election, if he does it will be in coalition.

    He even said 70% home ownership …… perhaps he means 70% of people who can ford to buy 😂

    That chippy P*ki Rupa Huq is in the shit, apparently Kwasi ain’t black (enough), sounds way too white 😳

  16. A lot of trades have their own peculiar lingo that is a mystery to outsiders. But these fucking office based shiny arsed Willis’s just do this linguistic juggling to justify the exorbitant prices they want for the mundane services they provide, its beloved of the NHS management who if they didnt cloak their jobs in this impenetrable bollocks would quickly be found out for the useless puffed up charlatans they are, cos in reality they are a burden and hindrance.

  17. I’ve been doing a lot of blue sky thinking of late.
    Outside the box obviously.

    Plus some reaching out and holding on .
    But in a inclusive way.

    Ciao.

    • Be careful what you say Mis, Lord Adonis has a reputation for blue sky thinking. I’m sure you wouldn’t want to be regarded as one of his acolytes.

      • I’ll be honest lads,
        I’ve not a fuckin clue what blue sky thinking means.

        It’s normally said by bullshitters who are winging it,
        The Gordon Geckos
        And wannabe Wolves of wall street.
        Hair gel types.

        Funnily they’ve never taken any money from my wallet?
        But I’ve taken plenty of theirs .

        Someone talks this tripe they don’t know what they’re doing,

        Let them spew shite,
        Act daft, pretend your impressed,
        Have their pants down
        An their piggy banks emptied.

        Only thing you need in business is to be able to count.
        And a nose for bullshit.

      • No one knows what “blue sky thinking” means, not even the twats that say it.
        Like thinking outside the box, and numerous other word spam phrases, it’s just porridge, designed to soak up last nights booze.
        They’re too fucking hungover to have a meeting with meat on the bone, so they do a crap powerpoint thing, and spout word spam.

      • I like the cut of your jib Miserable.

        Good to see you are gaining traction whilst circling back, moving the goalposts and trimming the fat.

        I have no idea what I just wrote.

      • Talk shite don’t they LL?

        They all want to be captains of industry,
        Without the hard work.

        They see the trappings,
        Big house, big car,
        Big office,etc
        They don’t see all the hard work over the years,
        The failing, getting back up and starting again.

        They want it now!!

        The Veruca Salt generation.😁

  18. The latest management speak saying doing the rounds at our gaff is ‘reach out to the I.T team for help with your hardrive’ which is bullshit gaffer talk for: ‘phone I.T and get your computer sorted mate’

    FICKING REACH OUT!!! WHAT THE FUCK?
    I’d only ‘reach out’ I’d be doing is to grab a £50 note off the floor if I was lucky enough to spot one.

    Why we have to emulate how these dozy corporate yank cunts speak and act is beyond me. Fucking dicks.

  19. Worked in a business computer assembly factory when I fucked off from higher (education😂) . My place of work was copying software from the master library onto floppy discs and various cassette types for the hardware orders, early 80s
    Years later as I was now self employed, my former manager who wasn’t a cunt but had asked me to price a job in his own home that would take me about 3 hours mabye 4 an a bit at a push, if I’m caught for some fittings and have to take a drive.
    “I need a completion time he says”
    My reply “If I turn up on time, You’ll be the first one to know when I’m finished”

    He was sound but indoctrinated by business bullshitters.
    The job took 2 hours and I had a coffee as well🤫

  20. The funniest thing is all of the job adverts i used to look at ask for ‘dynamic team players’ but all read as if written by a fucking robot.
    What a shower of automaton cunts.

  21. They’re all ‘reaching out’ at our place. Conjures up visions of lots of apes in a cage with their arms outstretched trying to get to the bananas.

    Another top piece of BS a while ago came from a manager who insisted we needed to ‘helicopter out’….

      • Confidence tricks.

        Baffle with bullshit .

        Here’s a practical for you.
        In a group meeting if you go against the majority forcefully and convincingly enough,
        You can sway them or some of them to agree with you.

        No shit, try it.
        You can be spouting absolute shite,
        But if others think

        “Oh he’s confident!
        Seems to know his onions?
        I’m not sure what this is about,
        I agree with him!”

        Try it.

        Don’t get sacked though,
        Pick your subject.

        Some people are that lazy they want others to do the thinking for them..

      • There’s always a Billy in a sports or hobbies club
        That is why i don’t partake in community activities.
        Roll call says the pretend teacher to the uninterested 7 people who turned up.
        i looked at Jupiter through a telescope last night and its four surround’s of moons
        maybe more, i dunno, fuck em MNC them bosses cause i don’t need em

      • Same old MNC, I’m sure the recent Sweden and Italy vote will mean fuck all really in the grand scheme
        Unless of course that Germany get excited and tell the yanks to fuck off, which they should of course but for the puppet cunt for a government they have.It is a possibility and unbelievably they will side will side with former enemies.
        It’s all going to play out when November comes.
        Espionage, cloak and daggers, fucking insane endeavor to save the mighty dollar as the constant and only means of international trade.
        Gas lines being exploded under sea
        “Ba baby, you ain’t seen nothing yet”

  22. Kweer Charmer is starting to sound coherent.

    Kwasi Kwarteng is making Jeremy Corbyn look like a respected economist.

    I’m sensing another Tony Blair moment.

    Oh no !

    It’s all happening again 🙁

  23. The nom reminds me of the boss in ‘Drop The Dead Donkey’ who liked to interface and Caught Speding, or whatever its name was. Was CS Banned?

    • No, CS continues to visit under different pseudonym’s,
      Correcting people’s grammar and thrilling all with his riveting and compelling stories.

      Ahem

  24. The yanks started the ludicrous lengthening of phrases like “At this moment in time”, by the time you’d said it, it was later. We say simply say “Now”. Even our “It’s That Man Again” was shortened with the acronym “ITMA”.

  25. I Digress for a moment and pick upon what one of our cunter’s suggest we do, is watch “Till Death Us Do Part” repeats on That’s TV channel. The usual rubbish warning sign appears about what we could say then and can’t say now. Then when Alf starts ranting about the shortened cocoons and western oriental gentlemen, they are bleeped out!! What was the point of showing it.

    • And the great Reggie Perrin which follows on That’s TV.

      They greyed out the tits on page 3.

      “I didn’t get where I am today by biting people in the changing rooms.”

      (CJ)

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