Professional Critics

What makes the opinion of a professional critic any more valid than that of an ordinary punter?

Everyone is entitled to an opinion (although in this day and age it has to be the “right” opinion). Therefore if Mr and Mrs Mop went to the local cinema, watched the 9 hour epic “Lord of the Arseholes” and was then asked for their opinion, is a “It was utter shite” just as valid as that of some high-brow cunt (that Mark Kermode twat springs to mind) who gets paid big bucks and is fawned over by similar luvvies the world over just to say the exact opposite but written in a far more hoity-toity, arty-farty way!

Back in the 70s I used to watch the BBC’s “Film 75” (or whatever year the show was relevant too), with that snug git, Barry “And why not!” Norman. Back then as a kid I thought his opinion was the be-all-and-end-all purely because he’s on the idiot box and therefore must know what he’s talking about.

But then over the intervening decades you find other po-faced, snug-cunt critics covering different cultural arenas such as the arts (Melvin Bragg), the theatre (Quentin Letts), music (John Amis, Simon Reynolds), house and garden (Laurence Roderick Bowen), motors (Clarkson) and of course food (Ramsey and A.A. Gill) to name but a few. But in essence they’re all just giving opinions that are no more valid than that of Joe Public.

Must be a nice “job” though. Watching films (in the posh areas of cinemas and not mixing it with the riff-raff and their bloody phones); or at some exclusive celeb-only restaurant stuffing your face on expensive nosh and complaining if the fork isn’t quite 5mm away from the plate; or driving around in top-of-the-range cars and having a whinge that the AC button is a bit too small to press.

But these cunts also expect VIP treatment, a few backhanders for favourable reviews (allegedly) and the expectation of keeping the items they’ve reviewed for free!

Of course with the advent of social media we now have a new breed of critic, the Influencer, mostly found on Instagram. These guys are mostly ordinary people who have somehow garnered a huge following of “fans”.

What they do is “review” or endorse a product on their social media page. The product could be as basic as a kitchen toaster right up to a 10 day stay in a posh hotel. If they have a significant following (say running into the 100s of 1000s or more) then they do wield a lot of influence, especially for hotels and the like, many of whom run the risk of a bad review (genuine or otherwise) if they don’t play ball with the whims off the Influencer.

Not only do these lucky cunts get to keep the product but also receive a small commission. But in essence they’re no different to professional critics – getting paid (handsomely on occasion) just for an opinion.

Well here’s my opinion: you’re all a bunch of cunts!
1 star out of 10. Fuck off!

Nominated by: Technocunt


112 thoughts on “Professional Critics

  1. I am, of course, the very embodiment of the professional critic. People say these days, “everyone’s a critic”, but that simply is not true. Indeed, people might express their opinions about their “favourite” things, but that does not make them a critic. Instead, what makes someone a critic is their distinguished education and their insightful knowledge.
    From the day I dropped out of film school, I knew I was destined to be a professional movie critic. I was too smart to be cooped up in a classroom all day. My bad grades on assignments were only because they weren’t advanced enough for me. My movie readings were too accurate.
    When I first started out no company was willing to hire me without “credentials,” but it was really because my insights were too intimidating that they balked. My job as a professional movie critic is to critique movies and express the objective and definitive analysis of them, or something like that. Even if I don’t finish watching a movie I can still tell what the message is. This has always been my greatest strength.
    When I write a review, I’m always sure to make it unbiased. This means that my unbiased reviews are the authoritative facts, which means that I can truly tell a good movie apart from a bad one, objectively and with no room for argument. When I see people talk about a movie from a different perspective, I’m quick to tell them what’s wrong with the points they’re making. They may not like it, but it’s the objective truth. 
    People rabbit on about James Cameron’s “Avatar” and how it’s one of the greatest movies in cinema history. But that movie is so unrealistic – they don’t know about Andy Warhol’s “Empire” or Michael Snow’s “Wavelength”. Now those movies represent what real art is!
    Art should not be entertaining and fun, it should be excruciating and not entertaining at all.
    People try to point out where they think I get things “wrong,” but they just don’t get it. I’m a professional. I’m the one who has a valid point, not those twerps. Professional critics like me have the right answers, but no one seems to realise this. When we say how good or bad something is, we are right. If another critic disagrees, well then, they’re not really a professional critic anyway.

  2. My opinion along with the opinion of every other Star Trek fan doesn’t matter. I know this to be true because the critics told us so.

    Apparently getting a wrinkly, old English cunt to reprise a role as a wrinkly, old French cunt after 20 years and slapping the Star Trek brand on it makes it, not only Star Trek: but absolute fucking gold! See below for the proof.

    • Same goes for me, Two In The Stink

      As a lifelong Doctor Who fan (I despise the term ‘Whovian’), I have been given the V’s from every cunt. From Steven Moffat and Chris Chibnall, to the BBC themselves. And now that lardy poofter Russel .T. Davies has stuck his two fat little fingers at me and every other old time Doctor Who fan. Davies has basically said screw the older lifelong fans, and screw the show’s history, continuity and heritage. You are getting a black poove and a trannie sidekick and it’s tough shit. Your opinion means fuck all.

      And every critic is on board for this woke fuckery. The Grauniad wanked over the new black poof Doctor for weeks…☹

      • Moffat is an insufferable cunt. Can’t stand any of his indulgent, faux-clever ‘re-imaginings’.

        He has a terrible ego problem and can’t help projecting it onto his main characters. He also gets his fat kid to play the younger versions.

  3. A great bellend critic is Robert Christgau of the Village Voice and other, ‘august authority’ tomes of culture. He may actually be the original bellend rock critic. The 1970s birthed all these music/movie critics who think they are arbiters of what is great and what is crap. Cocaine’s a helluva drug.

    • I have a particular loathing for Christgau, Le Cunt. And I have cunted him on this site before. Jann Wenner is another American rock critic bellend . A hippy arsehole and the archetypal stoner Laurel Canyon cunt. It’s snobs like Christgau and Wenner that separated ‘pop’ and ‘rock’. When in the 60s, it was all just ‘pop’ i.e: popular music. Both Village Voice and Rolling Stone are cunts. Smash Hits in the 80s was better than both.

  4. Rosebud, probably the greatest of all time, in its time.
    The critics strangely enough were actually behind it from its premier openings but soon were back under the leash.
    He really was under the cosh after that, the Orson Welles after exposing the power that was and still is and always will be. Stanley Kubrick is another and there are more i suspect ye all know
    There were a few not too many that carried us all, only too briefly.

    • Watched ‘The Nun’ today. A great film, which was banned for years.
      It starred the beautiful and talented Anna Karina (RIP).

  5. The Swimmer (1968) starring Burt Lancaster is without doubt the best film ever made.

  6. The only critic I follow is The Critical Drinker on YouTube. He’s all for entertainment and loves pointing out where films contain The Message. When he reviews a film, he gives a pretty good analysis that comes across as down to earth yet insightful. He thinks that cinema has been terrible for years and there’s only been a handful of good films made recently.

    • Barry with ‘Classic Album Review’ on youtube is the best music critic l have personally encountered.I prefer the term ‘chronicler’ (more elegant) as a term but this fellow is a wonderful spectacle to behold with his vast knowledge,arch and sagacious meanderings and all round expertise.He likes Marillion sadly but his latest on the top 10 San Franscisco psychedelic albums of the 60’s,is a joy to behold.

    • Yes, I enjoy the drinker although he has a soft spot for superhero films, and I don’t agree with him on Chernobyl. I thought it was shit.

  7. Most modern music critics (for MOJO and the like) are usually cunts. OK, they wisely and rightly largely dismiss that talent-free ginger gargoyle, Ed Sheercunt. But they also all like and sing the praises of drivel like Jack White, Lana Del Cunt, St Vincent, and that ugly chap, William Eilish esquire. They also still fawn over crumbling relics like Macca, The Rolling Bones, Neil Not So Young, and Fat Reg.🙄

    A pity that St Vincent is a tuppence flicker though. I wouldn’t have minded giving her a going over with the old tickling stick. By Jove, Missus….😗

  8. Most professional critics are bought and paid for, either by working for a publication under the same umbrella as a TV channel or studio or through freebies like tickets for friends and family.

    I find the people best placed to criticise something are the ones doing it, not a fifties-reject twerp like Mark Kermode. In this case Gordon Ramsey would make a good critic but he isn’t a critic, he’s a celebrity chef with strong opinions.

    Personally, i often find people get offended if you don’t like the films/books/ TV programs/music you are ‘meant’ to. They take it almost personally.

    Food criticism is pretty pointless. Ultimately it’s more about nutrition, not the name of the restaurant or how fashionable a dish is but people still eat from McDonalds. Are food critics aware of how little attention the public pay them?

    Overall a 4/5 stars for this nomination.

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