Professional Critics

What makes the opinion of a professional critic any more valid than that of an ordinary punter?

Everyone is entitled to an opinion (although in this day and age it has to be the “right” opinion). Therefore if Mr and Mrs Mop went to the local cinema, watched the 9 hour epic “Lord of the Arseholes” and was then asked for their opinion, is a “It was utter shite” just as valid as that of some high-brow cunt (that Mark Kermode twat springs to mind) who gets paid big bucks and is fawned over by similar luvvies the world over just to say the exact opposite but written in a far more hoity-toity, arty-farty way!

Back in the 70s I used to watch the BBC’s “Film 75” (or whatever year the show was relevant too), with that snug git, Barry “And why not!” Norman. Back then as a kid I thought his opinion was the be-all-and-end-all purely because he’s on the idiot box and therefore must know what he’s talking about.

But then over the intervening decades you find other po-faced, snug-cunt critics covering different cultural arenas such as the arts (Melvin Bragg), the theatre (Quentin Letts), music (John Amis, Simon Reynolds), house and garden (Laurence Roderick Bowen), motors (Clarkson) and of course food (Ramsey and A.A. Gill) to name but a few. But in essence they’re all just giving opinions that are no more valid than that of Joe Public.

Must be a nice “job” though. Watching films (in the posh areas of cinemas and not mixing it with the riff-raff and their bloody phones); or at some exclusive celeb-only restaurant stuffing your face on expensive nosh and complaining if the fork isn’t quite 5mm away from the plate; or driving around in top-of-the-range cars and having a whinge that the AC button is a bit too small to press.

But these cunts also expect VIP treatment, a few backhanders for favourable reviews (allegedly) and the expectation of keeping the items they’ve reviewed for free!

Of course with the advent of social media we now have a new breed of critic, the Influencer, mostly found on Instagram. These guys are mostly ordinary people who have somehow garnered a huge following of “fans”.

What they do is “review” or endorse a product on their social media page. The product could be as basic as a kitchen toaster right up to a 10 day stay in a posh hotel. If they have a significant following (say running into the 100s of 1000s or more) then they do wield a lot of influence, especially for hotels and the like, many of whom run the risk of a bad review (genuine or otherwise) if they don’t play ball with the whims off the Influencer.

Not only do these lucky cunts get to keep the product but also receive a small commission. But in essence they’re no different to professional critics – getting paid (handsomely on occasion) just for an opinion.

Well here’s my opinion: you’re all a bunch of cunts!
1 star out of 10. Fuck off!

Nominated by: Technocunt


112 thoughts on “Professional Critics

  1. After weighing up all the evidence I realise I have no opinion on the subject

  2. Good nom👍

    Quite right!
    Never let any cunt tell you their opinion is more valid than yours.

    Or that because the cunts wearing a dickie bow and velvet jacket that somehow hes a authority on a subject .

    As for film
    You cant go wrong with Smokey an the bandit or anything with Clint Eastwood in it.

    That Barry Normal reckoned crybaby luvvie Bobby deNiro was the greatest actor of his generation?!!!

    Slyvester Stallones a better actor and he has Down syndrome.

    • Everyone knows that that thick Starfish from Spongebob is based on Sly.

      That said though, Rocky was fucking quality.

      • I saw Clint in The Mule the other day. He wasn’t kicking anybody’s arse at 88 years old but he was a curmudgeonly old fucker with a bit of casual racism thrown in.


      • Afternoon LL,
        I saw Clint last night in ‘Cry Macho’ .
        He looked very frail.
        Not a bad film.
        Certainly better than Deniros bread adverts.

      • Afternoon Miserable.

        He is proper Hollywood, along with a few others the last of a generation that we will not see again. Most of the films I grew up watching, the first half an hour would be taken up with trigger warnings for the wokeflakes..

      • I saw Clint in The Mule the other night too… by the finish, I was hoping that they’d shoot the dawdling old Cunt and put us all out of our misery.

      • Afternoon,Mis/All

        Aye,I’m good,ta….pork chops for the dinner later…always puts me in a good fettle.

      • Im making my own tea tonight.
        Im in the bad books.

        Ive upset everyone.
        Nobody but the dog talking to me .

        I also offended a yank who was staying at a customers.

        Wish I had your people skills Dick!


      • I’m not as bad as I’m painted,Mis….
        Yesterday afternoon at the checkout I was behind an elderly lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.80 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under £50.
        I thought she was probably someone’s Nan and I’d like to think someone would have helped my Nan out.
        She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time we had all of the Old Bag’s shopping back on the shelves

        It’s nice to be nice

      • Mis….how have you upset everyone?…is it anything to do with your flashing case appearing in the local papers?….can’t really blame them being upset…fuck knows what the neighbours must be saying.

      • Naw, nowt like that.
        I called the daughter a ‘lazy cunt’.

        And theyve ganged up on me.

        An the yank ,
        I asked where he was from

        Yank “California,”

        MNC “oh aye, whereabouts?

        Yank “just outside San Fransisco,
        You been?”

        MNC “naw, an I wont be either!
        Havent you defunded the police or something?
        Full of tramps now isnt it?”

        Cunt just stared at me.

        This is why early man took in an domesticated dogs.
        For when hed upset everyone in the cave.

      • Some truth in that, MNC. The wokies have ruined ‘Frisco’ and are moving to other states now (to ruin them too, presumably).

        Human shit all over the pavements, skid row encampments within former ‘white picket fence/Mercan dream’ areas. Place is a right fucking shithole. You did the right thing. Let them know the world knows their home is now a fucking dump because of their woketardedness.

        The fucking idiots.

    • Please don’t get Caviar confused with Kaviar, should you decide to google that everyone.

  3. A fair comment, but a bit difficult to knock the great unwashed on youtube (influencers)- people of the like of you and me who can now become as powerful and ‘influential’ (whilst getting paid a tidy sum) as those mentioned in your first paragraph, which you despise.

    It does not give the ‘working class’ and opportunity that they weren’t privvy to before.

      • Too many people go to the University of YouTube and are experts on every subject when infact, they’re fuckwits. Film critics are usually failures who think their opinion is more valid. In reality, they’re tedious microbes.

  4. Critics are – by nature – complete snotty and up themselves cunts, and furstrated wannabe rock stars. Britain has produced many of these twatheads. Tony Parsons (Tony Parshole, as Viz call him), Julie Burchill, Danny ‘Fat Cunt’ Kelly, Charles Shaar Murray, Caitlin/Cuntlin Moran, and the daddy of them all. Paul Morely. Arguably the biggest music journo cunt of all time.

    America also has its fair share. There’s a music journo type called Robert Cristgau. Who self appointedly refers to himself as ‘The Dean of Rock Critics’. A weapons grade Death Star sized cunt if ever there was one.

  5. What’s the film about, if it’s something that I might be interested in I will give it a go, I don’t need a fucking eyebrow analysis or any analysis, I am not interested in ‘the message’ I don’t give a shit. It’s entertainment, if I want factual stuff I will look at documentaries, the universe, dark matter, quantum entanglement, what goes on in white vans in New Mills (that one is x rated).

    Critics and commentators, fuck them

  6. Here’s a dinner party conversation stopper:
    ‘So, what do you do at for a living?’
    ‘Well I don’t actually do anything, I just criticise what others do’.

    I’d single out AA Gill for particular oppobrium. Firstly, anyone who calls himself by his initials is highly likely to be a cunt in my book. Furthermore he was a right posh, arrogant twat and best mates with Jeremy Clarkson. Gill was restaurant and TV critic for the Sunday Times and used to deride anything and everything until it came to commenting on Clarkson’s ‘Top Gear’. Surprise surprise, he gave it glowing praise.

    You’re quite right Techno, professional critics’ opinions are worth diddly squat.

  7. Even the term “professional critic” sets your stall out as someone who will be negative right off the bat.

    I’d say there’s a place for the professional ‘reviewer’ (see what I did there?) so long as they have certain qualifications. Namely, experience, deeper knowledge of the subject area (more than Joe Public would reasonably have) and the ability to convey their thoughts in a reasonable and articulate way in whatever medium is required (TV, print, etc.).

    Music is my thing and unfortunately the music press gets this wrong much of the time. Catastrophically so in some cases. Like other industries, they have their favourites and fawn over them, while slagging artists they don’t like – for whatever reason.

    An album, for example, ought to be reviewed in the context of its genre and what that artist has produced previously. The reviewer should also be sympathetic to the genre, which they’re often not. Someone who’s really into country or dance music for example, shouldn’t review a rock album or heavy metal concert. What would be the point? They wouldn’t ‘get’ it.

    Unfortunately, these days more so than in times gone by, it’s more about the critic and their so called ability to sound bite something for mass consumption. We know all about the generations who have the attention span of a paperclip. They’re not going to read an in depth review about an album’s overall sound, production values, mixing, instrument space and separation, vocal performance, types of arrangement, song writing craft, a song’s ability to convey an emotion or atmosphere, etc. The masses consume music (for free mostly which is cunty) in ultra compressed formats and on equipment (e.g. cell phones) which together are unable to reproduce the dynamic range and musical nuances the artist intended the listener to hear. No amount of positive or negative critique can overcome that bollocks.

    I’m sure there are many cunters on here who know their stuff and would be well placed to praise (or not) something they know a lot about. I myself have received some tips from cunters about albums and books they thought I’d enjoy. And every time, they were right.

    • On this site we are all critics as a hobby. Bad reviews are always the best (in my opinion) and a well written bad review can be comedy gold. The “reviews” we post here are 99% strong disapproval and the reason a person, entity, or concept deserves the title of “Cunt”.
      Thus my daily visits to this wonderful site. Pure comedy gold from the best volunteer critics in the world.
      Learn some things too.

  8. Well I admire and am rather jealous of “critics”….imagine making a living by being a pontificating Cunt !!…my dream job,tbh….and I’d have been fucking good at it too.

    • Maybe an undercover pub critic Fiddler? You could subject pubs from genteel Cotswold country inns to big city boozers to the full Fiddler experience.

      • Fuck the “undercover”…I’d want the Cunts to know exactly who had trashed them.

      • I have the mental image of a Witchfinder General Vincent Price picture pinned up behind the bar of pubs across the land saying ‘BARRED!!’ now.

  9. When it comes to film reviews, if somebody says it’s great I am almost guaranteed to be, at the very least, bored shitless by it. And vice versa. Contrary cunt, me.

  10. Jancis Robinson , used to be the wine critic on the Standard, now writes for the FT I believe. I’ve never read such a load of flowery, repetitive p*ncy bullshit in my life. Listen darling, never mind about the aromatic ambiance and a hint of peaches on the south side of the vineyard you cunt. Just tell us how quickly it gets you pissed and how fucking much it is down the Joe Dakis ok? Jancis? What kind of name is that? Her Dad must have been pissed when he filled in the birth certificate. Another fucking wino.

    • And her husband is a restaurant critic! Imagine the poor cunt who has to host a dinner party for this pair.

  11. I’ve never seen a job advert for one of these.
    Critic required. No experience necessary.
    How do they get started?

  12. I love the professional critics. Whatever they love I make sure to avoid. That way the precious moments I have left on the Earth are not wasted.

  13. I liked that Batman v Superman film. Very good. I also liked Spiderman 3 with The Sandman. Everybody I know trashed it. Cunts. A good old punch up in that one! Reminded me of when I used to read the comics back in the early 70’s. However…Mary Jane Watson was a gorgeous redheaded vivacious It- Girl. Nothing like the dowdy miserable moping not particularly attractive Kirsten Dunst so they got that wrong. Anyhoo Tried to listen to Kermode a few times but have to switch off. Dunno ehat the fuck he’s on about half the time!!

  14. Every time Mark Kermode says that The Exorcist is the greatest film ever made, he should have to donate 1000 quid to children’s mental health charities. Fuck me, we get it, you love The Exorcist. And The Wicker Man. And Silent Running. Enough.

    I’m amazed that there are still pro film critics these days as most people don’t read them, as word of mouth spreads in a nanosecond online now. But even in the old days, most people didn’t care. But a critic like Bosley Crowther could make or break a movie, Pauline Kael, too.

    If a film is good, great, then it will be successful.

    • Didn’t he also reckon the planet of the apes movie reboot was one of the best movies he’s ever seen?
      Fucking obnoxious overgrown rockabilly.

      • Did he? That movie sucked. The recent reboots were great, though. That’s maybe the best use of CGI ever, those apes felt REAL, man!

      • Pauline Kael rubbished every film that Clint Eastwood ever made. The film critic that gets bumped off in The Dead Pool was modelled on her.
        She’s dead now, while Clint is still very much alive.

  15. Barry Norman was a reactionary old bugger in his later years at the BBC, but still miles better than his replacement Jonathan Ross. At least Norman had an opinion unlike Ross who’d fawn all over his interview guests and invariably tell them “I’m a big fan.” I think Norman genuinely loved films as well, so he gets a pass in my book, unlike the individuals listed in Norman’s post – Morley in particular is a weapons grade pretentious cunt who would benefit immeasurably from a car jack applied liberally to his cranium.

    For what it’s worth Norman penned some Chandler-esque crime novels set in Hollywood. Quite enjoyed them. Not just a critic, not a cunt.

    • BN had more to work with cinema wise to be fair.Golden age in many ways.A fine brand of pickles is his finest legacy.Not in the Haywards grade of excellence mind but certainly approaching that level.

    • Every single interview about music that Morley does – regardless of the genre or bands it’s about – he always mentions the Velvet Underground, David Bowie, and Roxy Music. He goes on as if they invented everything. OK, Bowie was influential in his time. But the other two? Fuck off! Morley has also dined out on his association with Joy Division for decades now. Morley is also a Gorton Globetrotters fan (i.e: a blue cunt). Quite simply the biggest cunt that British music journalism has ever produced.

      Anyone remember Gary Bushell? He could be a cunt. But, to be fair he knew and loved his Punk and ‘Oi!’ music.

    • Barry was alright. He wasn’t a woke twat and he didn’t talk shit. Jonathon Woss is a prize cunt. Oscar Wilde meets Elmer Fudd.

      Roger Ebert (or ‘E’ bert) was an American ‘movie’critic, and he was also a cunt.

  16. PS Kermode is a massive cunt, and allegedly has body odour that could stop a charging elephant in its tracks.

    • A mate of mine, while completely pissed, encountered Kermode and irritated the man with a head like an inverted pear by comparing him to Gripper Stebson from Grangehill.

  17. Opinions are like aresholes, everyone has one.

    But the biggest aresholes are on the idiot box….💩


  18. My cousin a fairly well known wine critic and a more pretentious cunt you could never meet .

    His career is built on drinking fucking wine FFS, stupid cunt.

      • Comes over?? Are you fucking joking 🤣

        The cunt is 51 and still does DJ’ing on the side but only pretentious bands like the Fuck Buttons, pretending he fucking likes then.

        Total cunt

      • COTL@
        On his fourth glass give him vimto with some handwash in it, see if he notices.

        If low on handwash use jeyes fluid .

      • Miserable, just seen your comment on Chuck Norris earlier and am going to make a prediction that you will be cunting him in the near future.

        The critics loved all the straight-to-video karate chopping Texas Rangers and Delta Force special ops ninjas.

        I can’t believe he is eighty fucking two! Been around forever!

  19. Reckon I could be a critic.
    No storyline, too many darkies, female lead was ugly, all the baddies were white. Hoo-ee, bunch of cunts.
    Wage please.

  20. ‘That is what the highest criticism really is, the record of one’s own soul. It is more fascinating than history, as it is concerned simply with oneself. It is more delightful than philosophy, as its subject is concrete and not abstract, real and not vague. It is the only civilized form of autobiography, as it deals not with events, but with the thoughts of one’s life; not with life’s physical accidents of deed or circumstance, but with the spiritual moods and imaginative passions of the mind…The best that one can say of most modern creative art is that it is just a little less vulgar than reality, and so the critic, with his fine sense of distinction and sure instinct of delicate refinement, (Mr Fiddler comes to mind) will prefer to look into the silver mirror or through the woven veil, and will turn his eyes away from the chaos and clamor of actual existence, though the mirror be tarnished and the veil be torn. His sole aim is to chronicle his own impressions. It is for him that pictures are painted, books written, and marble hewn into form.’

    Oscar Wilde, The Critic as Artist

    • I Am a Camera – C. Isherwood, J. Van Druten

      Me no Leica! – Walter Kerr (no relation), Oskar Barnack (attr.)

  21. What’s to say about a film/restaurant/wine/album, apart from I liked/loathed it?
    Critics can fuck off. I ask family/friends, as we have similar tastes.
    Their opinions count, that of some cunt wearing a dicky bow doesn’t.

  22. This is how you deal with that fucking plague called ‘influencers’.
    Who the fuck is I fluency by this cunt in the story apart from how not to be a parasitic, entitled shitter ?
    Enjoy Gerald*’s presentation:

    *Mind you,he does “motivational speeches” therefore, almost as much of a cunt as his audiences.
    Fucking snowflake brats need shoving in a woodchipper, spread on flattened dough, followed by a one away trip to Unkles famous pizzeria.

  23. In addition to Mark Kermode, Mark Cousins is also a cunt, although thankfully you don’t hear from him anymore.
    Most critics seem to give a five star rating to all the superhero, comic book shite these days.
    In my professional opinion, the overrated Blade Runner is utter shite, as is that Matrix series.

  24. ‘Er indoors watches that master chef bollocks, and you get some right up their own arse critics on there. A top end chef passing judgment is no problem. But some cunt who got a job on a newspaper straight after uni, because mummy and daddy were well connected? Fuck off!
    Whilst we’re at it. That mouthy, bald bellend, Greg Wallace, a former fruit and veg stall owner, is apparently deemed worthy to criticise too. Why? Because he knows a good cabbage from a rotten one? He’s clearly up there with the rest of the unqualified wankers who can make or break people and their livelihoods.
    If you’ve walked the walk, fair enough. If not. Go and get fucked, you opinionated fucking chancers!

    • Tom fucking Parker-Bowles…I detest that wanker…falling out of Camilla’s horse’s-collar of a cunt is apparently enough to make him a restaurant critic.

      I’d like to put him through a duck-press….just leave his head poking out so that I could giggle at his face with every turn of the screw.

      • Evening DF. Most of these critics appear to be entitled cunts. Therefore, Parker Bowles would slip into it as easily as he slipped out of his mothers fetid gash.

  25. Good evening gents, on a slightly related topic, it would appear that now their bottom lines are being genuinely affected by woke shite, film studios are finally getting their collective heads out of left wing arses, with the completed ‘Batgirl’ film being canned entirely and costing Warner Brothers a cool 90 million.
    The best film critic on Youtube, a guy called Critical Drinker has a new video discussing it.
    Right, I’m going to watch the new ‘Predator’ film, hopefully it’s violent as fuck.

      • Evening JP, hope you’re well?
        Yep, Critical Drinker certainly seems like he’d be welcome here on ISAC.
        “Movie Pitch Meetings” is another particularly clever and funny channel.

    • Evening Thomas.

      It is believed that it is a massive tax write off.

      A bit like the plot of ‘The producers’.

      • Hi Odin, hopefully the new Top Gun movie box office return will convince these pricks that regular folk are sick to death of leftie shitbaggery and give us some proper decent entertainment, like seeing James Corden falling face-first into a red-hot bear trap.

  26. Fuck films.

    It’s just two hours of your life you will never get back.

    Do something constructive like having a wank whilst the missus is down the shops.

    As for Mark ‘toilet on wheels’ Kermode, get a proper fucking job youth.

    • ‘Fuck films.

      It’s just two hours of your life you will never get back.

      Do something constructive like having a wank whilst the missus is down the shops.’

      This seems a genuinely better idea with every passing month and Hollywood pushing out ever more computer generated turds.

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