Uninvited Solicitation

I am sick and fucking tired of cunts who seem to think it’s OK to hammer on your door trying to flog you something and/or leave flyers/business cards attached to your front door.

With spring approaching and summer just around the corner, bastard shit brained companies think it’s acceptable to employ morons to go door-to-door trying to drum up new business. Landscaping, tree pruning, pressure washing, roofing, sprinkler system installation, you name it. Not interested.

If they can’t get you to answer the door, they’ll leave flyers or business cards attached to your front door. I have a massive problem with that. If you’re a burglar looking for a house to break into, you’re going to want to choose one where nobody’s home. Much less hassle that way since many homeowners are armed, including me! A sure sign no one is home is fucking flyers and business cards stuck to your front door and clearly visible from the street. Free local newspapers lying on the front path or lawn is another sign. We get those too. Didn’t ask for them. Don’t want them. And yet some cunt drives down the street and throws this crap at your house like they’re entitled to do so. I’ve tried to get that shit to stop too and nothing works. Bastards! This shit is compromising the security of my home and these cunts don’t give a shit!

I’ve placed signs on my front door before saying, “No flyers, business cards or solicitation of any kind. You are trespassing. Get off my property”. And they still leave their flyers!!!

Sometimes the flyer or business card includes an email address. Big mistake. I sign them up for all sorts of weird and wonderful websites and mailing lists. These cunts are usually illegal immigrants from Mexico. For some reason, Mexicans hate black people. Not sure why, but it amuses me to sign them up for BLM newsletters, Black Panther social events, etc. Who knew BLM would be useful for something? I always use their business ‘phone number when signing them up too. They’re usually cell ‘phones so it’s good to know they’ll be spammed as well.

This is just another form of entitlement where people think they can do what they like and you should just put up with it. There was a time when people’s property boundaries were respected and you only approached someone’s front door if you had a legitimate or prearranged reason for being there. Nowadays your front door is just another advertising hoarding for anyone and everyone who wants to use it. This should be illegal. Cunts.

Nominated by: Imitation Yank

51 thoughts on “Uninvited Solicitation

  1. This is why I installed a switch in the closet to turn off the doorbell at will. I guess the “No Soliciting” sign in 2 languages isn’t enough. If I come into some extra money I will get a parrot trained to say “Fuck off Cunt!” Who can live on the screened porch.
    Door to door sales people have to have a high suicide rate.

    • That’s a neat idea, MC. I will bear that in mind for future door bell installations.

  2. Maybe hang a sign “Immigration Police’
    on the door, that should stop most, if the colonies share our cultural enrichment.

  3. There’s a sign on my gate that politely says “Please close gate
    Thank you”

    The cunts who post these flyers and whatever other shite obviously can’t or don’t bother reading it.

  4. The only solicitation I want would be from a glamorous filthy-minded escort who rang my doorbell by mistake.

  5. Put a sign on the gate with a photo of an extremely aggressive looking Pitbull/Alsatian/Rotteiler/whatever. Underneath write ‘This is my dog. He can run from the front door to this gate in 3 seconds. Can you?’
    It doesn’t work with poodles mind.

  6. Unfortunately in the UK we aren’t allowed to take up arms. No second amendment here as yet IY. I keep soiled cat litter and solids near the door in little bags to throw at the
    soliciting hawking cunts. Seems to discourage repeat callers although I would rather shoot the cunts!

      • A house I used to own had a lawn sprinkler system. A couple of the sprinkler heads in the front were a bit wayward and doused the road a bit.

        One day, cunt neighbours from across the street stopped outside my house to yap yap yap with some fat bitch from down the street who was walking its fucking demented dog (who used to piss on my lawn). I heard nearby conversation, peeked out the window and determined the fuckers were in range.

        So I went down to the garage to switch on the sprinkler and waited for the shrieks and protestations. I was not disappointed. They moved away and out of range, so I turned the sprinkler off again – just so they’d know I did it deliberately. 🙂

  7. Life size cardboard President Trump in the garden.
    With a doorbell that shrieks Build The Wall!

    If that doesn’t work just make sure you dress as a Grand Wizard of the KKK every time you answer the door.


  8. My Ridgebacks stop any unsolicited callers, especially those from the “tinker tradition”, don’t mind Jehovah’s that much to be honest, at least they aren’t thieving pie key cunts!!!

  9. The Post Office are the worst offenders here IY.
    I often do a weekly mail drop back at them with all the unsolicited shite they shove through my door, you pick the fucking rubbish up you clodhopping cunts.

    • Good on ya, MF.

      The junk mail thing over here is out of control. The USPS is such crap these days, I honestly think delivering crap is what just about keeps them in business. I resisted for a long time, but the USPS are so incompetent that I eventually switched all my bills to email.

      I could write an essay on how lazy the delivery driver cunts are too. If they don’t like delivering mail, get another fucking job. Cunts!

      • When I first moved here IY I lived for a while in a townhouse community with communal mailboxes. Fuck me those USPS cunts could not read. People were having their green cards given to the wrong families and everything.

        If I had a dollar for every piece of mail I found blowing around in the streets I could Gemma Arterton for Dick.

        As for your junk mail problem maybe you could invoke the castle doctrine and introduce them to Messrs Smith and Wesson.

    • I do exactly the same, MF.
      A weekly walk to the postbox, to slot in all the fucking windows, garage doors and garden rooms shite the postie shoves through my letterbox.
      I’d set it on fire, but wouldn’t want to destroy little Courtney’s birthday card from her doting Granny.

  10. I hate that, we used to get it, god squad 8,00 in the fucking morning on a Saturday, pikeys asking do we want our trees cut, canvassers come election time spouting verbal bollocks, delivery cunts wanting to offload a parcel so i can deliver it myself, penny for the fucking guy, trick or treat, carol singers, nosey neighbours , knob heads wanting me to look at their car, my crazy brother and many many more cunts.
    So as im not allowed to have a tazer i built a 6 foot fence all the way around the house with a letterbox in the front gate, best thing i have ever done, fuck em all, cunts

  11. Instead of having a “Doberman on the loose” sign on your gate, just put a “Horny Trans Woman on the loose” sign on there instead.
    I’ll bet there are no visitors coming to the house of transbumder MP Jamie Wallis…the risk of getting bummed would be severe.

      • Thomas has been more than generous sharing his bumming experiences with us all before.

        “Not too bad actually” if I recollect – it’s left an indelible impression on me, figuratively speaking of course, as opposed to the literal impression left on Thomas’s rectum I imagine.

  12. So called “Nottingham Knockers” really boil my piss.
    Usually scousers spinning “ex-offender trying to go straight, gizzus a chance pal” sob story but end up getting aggressive when told no to their over priced tea towels and shit.
    Utter Cunts! 😠

  13. Private road.
    Big gates.
    Long driveway.
    CCTV cameras everywhere.
    Plus I can be a nasty cunt, when required.

    • Afternoon MNC…last summer, I opened the door to a pair of Jehova’s a couple of hours after 4 grams of some splendid mushrooms.
      There was delightful rainbows of colour dancing round each of their heads and bridging the gap and I stared in wonder at them both!
      I tried to articulate that they could find their own personal deity and achieve a joyful state of consciousness by taking some shrooms, but they backed away like a pair of unenlightened wussies.
      I wonder what they thought of the situation?! I must add that deep bass psychedelic trance music wafted in to the hall from the living room and I wasn’t wearing any kind of top, but was wearing a bowler hat and white gloves!

      • 😁😁👍
        Afternoon Thomas,

        Thats the spirit!
        Freak them out and they wont come near again.

        Ive got a bowler hat too!
        Traditional headwear of a removalman.
        The missus bought it me!

        But rather than add a air of civility and taste to my appearance,
        It makes me look like a Bond villian, or ‘chief Pikey’.

        Cant polish a turd ☹️

      • Thomas: you ARE Salvador Dali and I claim my £5 work of mushrooms.*

        *Please send them to:

        Gary Linekunt
        The Cuntshausen
        No Riff-Raff road
        KU4 T11

      • Why is the bowler hat and white gloves the most disturbing part?

        You must’ve looked like a demonic mime.

        Are you Hunter S Thompson reincarnate?

  14. These cunts can’t get through to my letterbox for the array of Indiana Jones style secret traps cunningly disguised in the garden. Giant rolling stones (not Mick and Keef), traps with spikes at the bottom, hidden blades for decapitation, etc. Handy for Jehovah’s Witnesses as well. Unfortunately they sometimes get the postman.

  15. Sick of coming home and finding someone has flytipped a load of unwanted leaflets through my fucking letterbox.
    They can fuck off with those beggar bags too.

  16. Last week two blokes in office clothes and lanyards knocked at the door.
    Slick sales pitch (that I interrupted) fired at me.
    They were after a direct debit for sign language in schools!!
    What the fucks that got to do with me?!!!

    Anyway I told him I didn’t care about deaf kids.

    Cheeky cunts.

  17. I have ‘zzzz Please do not disturb’ on my front door handle, after I robbed a handfull from my local Premier Inn. & when I know Lady Scunthorpe is on her way home from the monthly shopping trip. I change it to ‘Please clean my room.’

    • Perhaps this is what really happened to Sergei Skripal after all. It wasn’t Vlad that smeared the novichuk on his door handle but he himself to fend off the cold callers, only he forgot about it.

  18. The cunts who are out “soul winning” dressed like 1955 do respect my no soliciting sign I must say. It’s the fuckers with the ipads ready to sign me up for something that don’t. Nice thing about a screened porch is I can talk to them and they can’t see me. I’m tempted to rack a 000 12ga round to see what happens. Haven’t yet but maybe one day it will be appropriate.

  19. A quick burst of Bren Gun fire normally teaches these blighters a lesson!
    The phone botherers get a cheery “fuck off and walk in front of a train, cunt!” – I don’t get any doorstep botherers, they must know I am a mean, bad tempered cunt prone to occasional violence! 😀👍

  20. I had a pair of pushbikers knock just as it was getting dark….I threw the door open fully expecting to get “CUUNNTT!!!” screamed in my face but they were actually quite a nice young couple who apologised for disturbing me and politely asked directions to the B+B in the village….naturally I sent them totally the wrong way…probably still pedalling round the fucking forestry trying to find the way out.

  21. I miss my dear German shepherd Wolfgang and Staffie Jess whom both hated anyone that didn’t smell or look like their human family that came to the door. I now have to rely on the traditional sign “No hawkers or Campbells”,botherfolk and chuggers can fuck off as well.

  22. My next door neighbour and I were having an elevenses when the door bell chimed – Jehovahs! Feeling mischievous we invited them in (the wives off on a shopping trip) wouldn’t let the leave for 90 minutes. We explained to them how God didn’t (couldn’t) exist, how Jesus probably did but was a very unlucky bloke and that the Bible was a great collection of fairy stories. They were too polite to really argue with us and watching them squirm as we blasphemed our way through until lunchtime was a treat. They managed to escape when the wives returned!
    AND, they’ve NEVER been back since!
    Play them at there own game!

      • Since the Great Pandemic, I’ve had a handwritten letter approximately every 6 months from ‘The Friends’.
        Goes straight in the recycling.

  23. When I lived in the suburbs, I had a green recycling box adjacent to the front door with plenty of leaflets, pizza menus and shit in it to drop a big hint to those dropping off advertising. Also a ‘No free newspapers or leaflets’ sign which plenty just ignored. I chased someone down the street once and handed back his leaflet.

    I fantasised about employing a man on about 30k a year to stand at the front of the driveway and tell canvassers to jog on and only take mail from the postal service or delivery drivers. I thought he could check visitors names in as well. Then I realised I’m not a multi-millionaire so that was that.

  24. Large (and powerful) Bull Terrier, by the name of Baz, is employed, on command, to bite off the crown Jewell’s, or front bum of any spastic who dares press my buzzer.

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