The Norman Conquest

The so called “Norman Conquest” and what a load of nonsense it really was.

It has been alleged by some so called “historians” that William the Conqueror scooted over the English Channel in 1066, did a bit of invading and took over the Country.

I have often suspected this was nonsense made up by Frenchies who are jealous of our burgeoning deodorant and shower products industry and hate the fact that the British are taller, better looking and harder.

And it turns out I was correct – I was recently skulking around Sir Fiddlers vast Country estate stealing turkeys and Christmas trees when in an abandoned building I happened across some ancient documents written at the time by “Kev ov Hastings” and a newspaper report from Ye Daily Mirror clearly stating what really happened – a drunken German accidentally wandered across the border into France, the dreadful smell of the place being temporarily obscured by the strongly flavoured “Schnautzerhimmel” sausage he was stuffing himself with at the time.

Upon seeing him the entirety of France immediately surrendered with a few of them, all coincidentally called “Norman”, being so scared they stole some boats from Ye Olde Dinghy Invaders and scooted over to Hastings. They went to a bus stop to ask for directions to the nearest garlic farm, were bitten by a Staffie called “Tyson” and all went home. I have interroga, er, “chatted with” several people named Norman and they all deny taking part in any kind of invasion so that’s good enough for me!

I am glad to be able to perform a public service by sharing this vital and historically correct information with you and as I am now putting the word “FACT!” in upper case letters I believe under IAC law this correction of history can now never be questioned!

However, a caveat – I believe my malevolently magnificent mind may be slipping – while I was finding out the info I kept imagining hearing a voice saying “Please help me – my name is Gemma, I am being held captive, please contact the police and my agent – I have money, lots of money”..

Nominated by: Vernon Fox


101 thoughts on “The Norman Conquest

  1. Thank fuck somebody’s actually had the guts at last to come out and state the truth about what we’ve all long believed.

    Thank you Vernon!

    • RK@ – It took a great deal of historical research and a turn of speed on the BMX to outpace the large and rather angry looking Gentleman farmer with his blunderbuss! 😀
      The Staffie died of BO and garlic poisoning BTW..

    • We need an invasion of Normals.
      The daily freak show I’m witnessing is giving me Tourettes Syndrome:
      “Fuck you and your green man-bun you cock sucking soy boy!!”
      Dail Mail story:
      “Hate-filled rant from 50 yr old white male in Texas Walmart results in bail set at $1 million.”

      Maybe that will be the spark that starts the war.

      • Meat, as an expat Brit in the NE USA I can vouch for things being more fucked up here than Texas or Blighty. But it’s pretty fycked up everywhere.

    • But seriously they weren’t French the NORMAN’s were vikings who ‘were kept in line’ by the French paying tithes so they wouldn’t invade the rest of France. The land the Norman’s live in was Normandy and was inhabited by VIKINGS. These then came over to England and made us all taller and Harder than the French.

      • They were not kept in line by the French the French have always had a chip on their shoulder hence french fries. Dirty cunts don’t trust them. Only look after their pocket.

  2. I have it on good authority that the voice you heard was that of a specially trained… errr.. macaw! Yes, a macaw.

  3. While you were ‘skulking’ did you manage to catch a glimpse of the great man Vern, maybe chastising local peasants or thrashing a dead horse.

    It’s a good job he didn’t catch you, the last intruder from North Yorkshire ended up as pig feed and are you sure you heard the cries of Gemma, I have it on good authority she enjoys the company of degenerates and ruts like a wild bore.

    I have never met a Norman so you must be right, they all fucked off sharpish 👍

  4. The Bayeaux Tapestry is shit. Not that Ive seen it close up. In pictures. It’s all just matchsick men with pointy helmets.

    • I’ve seen it, and it’s pretty good. At least it’s real, unlike that tea towel that is stained to look like a westerners comic book version of Jesus. People are still falling for it! 🙃

    • I like the bit with the guy with an arrow in his eye! Sam Peckinpah’s ancestor must have done that bit!

    • It’s not even a tapestry, it’s an embroidery of matchstick cunts that’s full of shit and named incorrectly.
      Hadaway and shite

    • I saw it on a school trip to France aged about 9, lead by our francophile schoolmasters that couldn’t get enough of it. I recollect being somewhat underwhelmed. Then we went to see some 40 year old concrete called Mulberry harbours in a place called Arromanches. Fuck all to see really but I nevertheless could sense the sacrifice there. Our schoolmasters from that time, transplanted to the present would be considered ultra woke Cunts.

  5. Interesting to see a bit of Bayeux tapestry there. For anyone who’s never seen it, I can report that the top and bottom borders depict plenty of fanny and cock, most of it erect. That proves the Norman invasion was faked (like the moon landings), because it’s a well-known fact that all French men are impotent.

    • I went to Bayeux bu never saw the tapestry. I was so sick of the exorbitant beer and food prices, that I jumped back on the Falco and kept going. Cunts.

    • Yeah, you can look at it that one, but also look at this being a great age to live in. Depends how which prism(s) you view life through, doesn’t it?

  6. They Frogs were eventually turned back by Harry in the North, a removals man and dogging enthusiast from Stockport.

  7. The “Norsemen” who conquered Northern France. No Frog in the History of the World conquered England.

      • I speak French, Miles.
        It was forced on me as a child, and I have to say that I speak it rather well. We had a lunatic, who thought we should be able to curse, in French.
        Doesn’t have come handy when the taxi drivers trying to put one over on you!
        My granddaughter is learning Spanish, apparently, they stopped teaching French in schools around about the time we voted to leave. Good Ho!

    • EC@ – Yep – the “Northmen” from the Scando Nordic nations – invaded and conquered half the world!
      But not England, obviously!

    • I can see how someone, in the heat of battle, might confuse Norsemen with Norman.
      What a relief. I’d be gutted if the French had ever managed to invade and defeat us, snail munching twats.

      • From Chesterton–

        ‘But in truth there is no need of such invidious analysis; we may willingly allow a real value to the Scandinavian contribution to the French as to the English nationality, so long as we firmly understand the ultimate historic fact that the duchy of Normandy was about as Scandinavian as the town of Norwich’.

      • What’s that rancid old poofter on about now?
        Give him his midget gems back and request he eat the entire packet in one mouthful, the dreadful hack.

      • Old Joke from the 1970’s

        Q)What do Jeremy Thorpe and William The Conqueror have in Common?
        A) They were both fucking Normans

    • Well, if you consider Charlemagne as sorta-French – he was Frankish which is neither “German(ic)” nor “French” – and without him, Europe would have been Muslim for the past 1200 years.

      • Gates of Vienna anyone? It was the poles that saved Europe from the peaceful carpet riders, namely lead by John sobieski III, we should be thankful that poland did that good deed or else we would have no bacon rolls or beer

  8. I screamed with delight in the boozer when I heard the French had ‘banned’ us from entering their fromage stinking, pitiful excuse of a Country. Never trust the French – grassed us up to the Germans about the Dunkirk evacuation. Utter CUNTS!

    • I notice that they are considering reopening the borders to the British, nothing to do with the owners of ski resorts screaming blue murder about the lack of customers at all, of course not!

    • Daz@ – Kind of makes me wonder – how the fk would they stop us?
      The IAC invas, er, “booze cruise” to France aboard my vessel The Black Pig was an unqualified success – eating sides of beef and drinking good English ale as we strafed the coast with cannon fire – marvellous it was!

    • EW@ – Too busy being pursued by baying hounds – have you tried effecting the rescue of a maiden in distress whilst cycling, wrestling with 4 boisterous turkeys and steering with a Christmas tree?
      Luckily nobody knows about my escapade so I think it’s safe to say I am a criminal mastermind! 😀👍

  9. It’s a shame the English broke ranks in their bloodlust to cleave some snail eaters heads.
    I’ve always thought it was a load of bollocks.
    Anyhow those dirty cunts got paid back tenfold.

    • UT@ – Yep – half an hour from running Europe.
      Although I think on “battles won against the French enemy” we are still doing well!

  10. There two historical greivances that fester in my heart.
    Firstly the romans.
    Greasy spaghetti bastards and their gaylord ways,
    And that bullshitter Tacitus.
    Then the Normans.
    They cheated.
    Wed just had the deciding battle with the vikings,
    They didn’t give us chance for a breather!
    Harold Hadrada and Harold Godwinson =fair.
    But Willy conkers rushes in before we’re ready!
    Typical dirty froggy trick.
    Then taxes!!
    Ohhh they liked taxes the slimy twats.
    Later wins against the filthy french are all the sweeter.

    • I’m currently watching The Vikings DVD box set. Raiding along the Northumbrian coast and massacring the monks at Lindisfarne, pretty standard Viking stuff, not seen any Fiddlers yet! I wasn’t sure if it was England or even Europe though as all the peasants and Vikings in it seem to be white.

      • Im surprised they made it at all LL.
        The real vikings were slavers.
        Suppose it doesn’t count if the slaves are white?
        Some sandal wearer in a windswept monastery with a inspiral carpets haircut,
        Gets twatted off some big angry scandi cunt and wakes up on his way to a life of enforced labour in the Mediterranean.

      • Apparently some of today´s descendants of the Norsemen are a bit hurt at the idea that the Vikings were raging drunken Conan-style brutes with blue eyes and blond hair who went in for axing anyone who stood in their way. Some “researchers” in Sweden, I think, want us to believe they were tolerant tree huggers of mixed race. Link, BBC of course.

        Why Vikings weren’t who we thought they were – BBC Reel

      • Mr Polly, I personally would be rather disappointed to find out that Vikings weren’t bloody thirsty berserkers.

  11. Ps
    Weird place to pick for a battle,
    Full of old people!
    Probably why they went the dirty fuckers.
    Fuckin grab-a-granny.
    See where Macron gets it from.
    Fuckin Tomb Raider.

    • Yes, Mis. I went to Hastings once. I’m sure that at least 50% of the people on the benches along the front were actually dead, and you were in serious danger of a broken leg due to badly driven mobility scooters.
      It was very, very clean, though. No litter or graffiti.

      • Hastings!!
        Where youll question if your alive!

        Only place ive been asked if I could chew a steak for someone.

      • I have to admit that we struggled to find somewhere that served chewable food, it was all minced this, mashed that and pureed the other.
        Even the fish and chip shop only served mini fish bites and sautéed potatoes.
        We drove along the coast until we spotted a sign, Viking food sold here!
        Straight in, the best steak and chunky chips ever. I declined the fried egg on the steak, though.

      • Hastings beach is shit, you need to take a fucking cushion and there’s no totty to admire. If we really had been conquered they would have picked Bournemouth to land, as it has a much nicer beach and better pier. I reckon its all made up by the BBC and ciunts like Gina Miller.

  12. The bastard Normans really fucked us over tax. The Domesday Book was just the eleventh-century HMRC database. We’ve been getting taxed to death ever since.

    • MNC@ – And Norman Stanley Fletcher!
      All the other Normans are in hiding – scared of Staffies! 😀

      • I wonder if you have Norman blood Miserable, Vernon?

        You both should get your DNA tested? Or whatever they do.

        You might have some French blood you never know. You both might even have some dark key blood.

        Oh no Pakistani blood.!!!

        Mine’s prorobaly got a good helping of Jewish blood.

      • To scared to find out Miles.
        Id be heartbroken if they said I was part french.
        Worse than the time my aids test was positive.

        Although I will continue to play the dane….😁

    • I couldn’t stand Leeds United in the 70s, but Norman Hunter was a top bloke.
      The Chinks killed him with their biological weapon, the slitty-eyed little bastards.

  13. Just a few from what’s now Britany and Cornwall (apparently same folk) beat a few southern softies whilst northerners couldn’t really give a fuck is my take on it .. Sumat along those lines.

  14. The Norman’s were Vikings, not french.
    The Bayeux tapestry is in fact an embroidery
    Harold was hacked down with an Axe not a arrow in the eye.
    His wife Edith swan neck sounds like a Dirty sort.
    There are no blacks involved in this battle.
    How the BBC will deal with that is anyone’s guess.

    • They’ll cast Idris Elba as William the Conk when they make their drama on the subject. Harold will be played by Tilda Swinton.

    • Lots of blicks, of course. The Vikings will come from some obscure, previously undiscovered Island, off the Norwegian coast, that some darker skinned people trying to escape an oppressive regime, rowed to in ships made of banana leaves and coconut husks, what else?

      • They’ll be led by a Viking queen, played by Oprah Winfrey, and her daughter the princess will be played by Meagain Markle.

  15. No Fuckers managed to subdue The Borders region..

    PS….Vern….You really should have made yourself known….due to my over exuberance on the Hunting front,there’s hardly a fox,badger,deer,pheasant,blackcock,woodpigeon or domestic cat left in a 10 mile radius…I feel sure that a man with your undoubted musky odour and low cunning would make an acceptable substitute for a day’s sport….there’s a shiny Pound coin in it for you.

    • Did too!
      The vikings fuckin battered Northumbria.
      They sacked Lindisfarne,
      Then they got your king Ælla and they give him the ‘blood eagle’ .

      Youd probably fair better nowadays, all Greta Thunberg and ABBA,
      You Geordies probably win!!

      😁 Evening Dick👍

      • MNC@ – DF was at chapel that afternoon so cannot be blamed!
        The further North William the conker champion got the worse it was for them – the Scots were not averse to scoffing people back then!

      • The Pub on Lindisfarne deserves fucking sacking…rip-off prices….wouldn’t care if it was just the tourists getting gouged but I was charged the same.

    • DF@ – A pound? To myself? Just drenching meself in proper classy “Lynx Africa” and getting a grown up to do me shoelaces- then on t’ way!
      Just a moment, there may be skulduggery afoot – I recall young Miserable recalling how he was innocently trespassing in the area and being accosted by baying hounds and a Man with a shotgun! 😀

      • Dead unfriendly round that way Foxy.
        Luckily for me id just filled the van when I heard the sound of dogs baying.

        Carboot loot comes with its risks!😀

      • Can you try to snap and download some shots of Lady Fiddler in that lacy pegnoir, please, before Lord F blasts you into oblivion?

  16. The Normans were cunts.

    However, they were not French. They were Vikings who settled in Normandy at the behest of the French to help defend them against other Viking raiders, carved an independent dukedom feudally tied to the French King and adopted the French language.

    If they had been French then the Norman Conquest would have failed as the French have always failed against the English. It’s a fundemental law of nature.

    They then spent the next 300 years decimating the native Anglo-Saxon aristocracy and subjecting the native Anglo-Saxon population. English became the language of a suppressed peasantry whilst the lords and all government apparatus conversed in French. When English re-emerged 300 years later as a language spoken, or at least tolerated, by the elite, it had changed almost beyond recognition from Anglo-Saxon English. It had been either “enriched” or “bastardised” by Norman French – depending on your point of view.

    It’s a fascinating exercise in alternative history to think what England and the English language would be like today without the Norman Conquest? Better or worse? Again, it depends on your point of view.

    Norman cunts.

    • The French spent years and years composing madrigals, poetry and music for lutes.
      They are ponces now, then and so not warriors.
      Everyone knows the Norman’s weren’t French.
      The French stayed homes, shitting their frilly panties.

  17. Normans?
    Booting down our door, helping themselves to whatever they wanted, shagging all those underage Anglo-Saxon girls.
    And their decendants still have all the land and money.

    • Know why them vikings were so successful?
      Two things.
      Firstly, they were Innovative in ship design,
      Like the NASA technicians of the 8th century.
      Secondly , peat.
      The peat around the fjords when burnt released the iron ore.
      They had the materials to make tools and more importantly,

      Viking swords were subject to counterfeit branding.
      Cheap copies of famous swordsmiths flooding the market.

      Dont know why im telling you this?
      You never listen.
      Try and be serious just once and some smart Alec will take the piss.
      I should be hired by the BBC to impart this interesting information! 😁

      • You can’t work for the bbc mnc, your not woke, or an effnik, hang on , your white , male heterosexual and in the North West, that makes you a minority, you’re in!

      • Hang on, I’m white, a Northerner, pensioner, are you saying I can’t have an opinion.
        That’s bias, that’s culturist, that’s selectionist, that’s North/South divisist.
        How very fucking dare you.

  18. I have it on good authority that the collection of cunts that make up my family can trace it’s ancestry back to that age. In fact, one of those ancestors was a Longbowman at the battle. After being inspected by King Harold himself the said ancestor was found to be such a crap shot that the King gave instructions that he was to be put right at the back lest he have some poor fuckers eye out! Gen dit!

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