A couple of nights ago I met up with my old pal Big Al for a proverbial “swift half”.
On entering the pub I headed to the gents for a slash, and on approaching our table, I saw to my dismay two halves of what looked suspiciously like Guinness sitting there. “What” says I, “is that?”.
“That”, says the Big Man, “is one of my New Year resolutions. I’m determined to educate your palate in the appreciation of the black nectar. You just need to acquire a taste for it”.
“We’ve been through this before Al”, says I with a sigh. “I told you the last time you tried this. To me this stuff’s as bitter as fuck, and right sickly to boot. It tastes like a burning tyre to me. How do you ‘acquire a taste’ for that? It’s bloody rank”.
“I reckon it was badly pulled last time” says he. “Go on, indulge me. Take it slow”.
So for the next twenty minutes or so, I struggled to neck this noxious brew, but had to give up. “Sorry Al” says I. “It still tastes you got it from a farmer’s cesspit to me”.
“Gaaahn you jessie” says he, “yer ‘opeless. What d’ya want then?”.
“A malt. Glenfiddich if they’ve got it” says I. “I need to get rid of the taste of that muck from my mouth”.
“Guinness is good for you”, the adverts used to say. Yeah, that’ll be right. Good for giving you the shits, more like. I’ll pass.
Nominated by: Ron Knee
The reason I stopped drinking completely is that I finally decided that there was no alcoholic drink that didn’t taste horrible. After all something has to rot to make it and that’s exactly what it tastes like. Have never missed any of it. A glass of water on the rocks please.
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Then you must try Drambuie and Ginger Ale MC. Tastes like heaven.
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Guinness is the Devil’s own sweat.
I tried a half pint of my home-made scrumpy last night.
Feels like I have a fractured skull.
Might have a pint of it tonight.
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Home made scrumpy can launch you into orbit. A few years ago we stayed in a farm cottage in Somerset and the genial farmer gave us some that his missus had brewed.
Tasted like nectar, had a kick like a fucking mule.
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i bet that shit can strip paint off things, friend of mine made some once and it took the fucking enamel off his teeth, it truly was the devils piss, good if you want a stomach ulcer or unblock drains or to clean your motor bike carb, im sure it has other uses, but drinking it isnt one of them….
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i quite like a pint of the black with a white with a white collar, its a bit like a catholic priest, get a dodgy one and you have to watch your arse…
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Guinness is a stout and they are hard to get drunk on as they have to guzzle and slam You get stouts that are higher volume of alcohol, imperial stouts I think they are called. Oh and there’s a version of Guinness – Foreign Export that is 7.5% ABV, sells well in Africa for some reason. But yeah, not a go-to drink, not refresh and can give you the skitters. The Irish don’t make their own lagers, just Guinness, Murphy’s, etc.
Nah, it’s okay, but a proper lager is nicer. Irish Smithwicks red ale is pretty good.
Ireland for the Irish!
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Guinness is the worst of all the stouts, but massive corporate backing, advertising and aggressive business practices towards their rivals means this dogshit is generally the only one available – the other stouts are infinitely better.
And if it isn’t looked after it tastes like acid. Then the added issue of it turning everything from your larynx to your balloon knot into stinking black water – NEVER trust a Guinness fart! And the “craft ale, hipster, vape communist artisan bar” that tried to charge me £4.50 some time ago locally was told “I’m not paying that – fuck off”! – Oh, their little soyboy faces! (Out of business now – try charging reasonable prices and not speaking to your customers like shit and maybe it wouldn’t have been).
My late Mother had iron deficiency in pregnancy and was prescribed four bottles of stout a day by the Doctor – she was a teetotaller so the old Man was very pleased at this state of affairs and insisted she got pregnant again – saved him a fortune it did!
And mind them “wine bars” – nip for a tinkle and fat Reg will be pinning you against the wall as he scrabbles for his spare hamster – the dirty fker!
(I think it was “nip” that caught you out this time, Vern – Day Admin)
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WordPress taking the fucking piss again then. 🤬
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DA@ – Cheers – always a lottery! 😀
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The Russian Imperial Stouts, originally brewed in London in the 18th century for the Russian court are great. Some are 10% ABV. But yeah, Guinness takes like shit. Good to sip on if you aren’t planning to get bleazing, but not something you should drink all night as it’s hard to get drunk on and you can end up doing the Aztec shuffles! The shamrock shuffles! LOL!
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WordPress is clearly having a fucking laugh then today.
Can’t be fucking arsed wasting time posting stuff for it to immediately disappear or get modded.
(It was your use of the word “nip” in your moderated comment that shafted you, matey. All sorted now – Day Admin)
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DA@ (X2) Many thanks, most of the time I find the “Italian car on a cold morning” reliability of WordPress amusing in its randomness, but occasionally it rouses my little temper and I have a childish strop!😀
(No worries. Wordfence does our heads in at times as well – Day Admin)
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Guinness is the Fosters of Stout. A weak, poor taste, easy to drink for the masses.
There are some wonderful stouts out there. Especially strong imperial stouts, with complex flavours.
Fullers imperial stout my favourite. 10.7%, so only for those who can handle a beer and even then you’ll do well to drink more than 2.
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I have a Guinness every week but it has to be Original rather than Draught. I prefer fizz, not sludge.
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Afternoon Allan.
Excuse my ignorance, but what’s the diff between ‘Original’ and ‘Draught’?
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The original being a bottled stout without the ridiculous chilled inch of head on it that you get on draft.
To be fair the Guinness Export (which goes to Nigeria I think) and the Guinness West Indies Porter are good beers.
Seems they give everything decent to the blacks and we get left with the crap. No change there!
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On a stag weekend to Dublin many moons ago the stag required us all to drink Guinness the whole two days and nights. Out of the 8 of us that went none lasted one night let alone two. Shat black for a week and vowed never EVER again to partake in the devils brew.
28 years later still not had a sip. Go me!!
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Jesus, I’d never have gone if that had been a condition. Sounds like a weekend in hell!
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I reckon one of the best beers I ever had was in Ukraine in ’92. It was called ‘Львівське Пиво’ which just translates to ‘beer from Lvov’ (marketing department clearly working overtime). It had the taste of Double Diamond and went down like nectar. Since it was August, really hot and my birthday I treated myself to 4 500ml bottles and downed the first one in seconds. I had started the second one when I started feeling a bit dizzy. A glance at the back of the bottle explained that, the fucker was 13%!
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This is a bit of a blast from the past for me.
‘Mackeson’ now ‘Double Diamond’.
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Ahhh Ron – beers from yesteryear. Now there’s a great subject. Back in my stoooodent days in the 80s, my favourite beer of choice was Webster’s Yorkshire Bitter. Hardly a prize winner, but I liked it. My girlfriend at the time liked Kestrel larger. My get pissed quick go-to larger used to be Lowenbrau. Lovely stuff. It’s weird how offy shelf regulars just disappear over time. Last few visits to the UK I’ve not seen Holsten Pils either, which I used to enjoy.
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Aye up Yank.
It’s funny how awful brews stay in mind as well. When I was in my early twenties we went for a short holiday in Wales, where we were introduced to the ‘delights’ of a brewer called ‘Border Ales’.
My dear old grandad said it was like the cat’s piss you got during the war. This comment was indeed born out by a bit of graffiti on the wall in the gent’s, which read;
‘Drinking Border Ale is like making love in a punt; it’s fucking close to water’.
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Meant to say, another of my gran’s favourites was Bass ‘Special’ Stout. Think the brewery might have ceased trading tho, which is a shame if that’s correct.
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In Leeds as a student, Castle Eden (a Sheffield beer, I believe), was a good pint.
Sam Smith’s Imperial Stoat – excellent!
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Why didn’t the train speed up and mow the cunts down.
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Just clicked the nomination pic. That fat cunt Corden has let himself go, hasn’t he!
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Is that a ‘celebrity’? He looks vaguely familiar.
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I think it’s that hilariously funny comedic actor Jackus Blackus.
Plays a moronic, slobby fat cunt in everything he’s been in. Real method shit.
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I’d rather drink a pint of cyanide than that Paddy horse-piss.
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