“Here’s tae uz, wha’s like uz? Gey few, an’ they’re aw deid”.

“Aye, et’s yer Beloved Leadur an’ Furst Minestur Nic’la Sturgeon here, or ‘Oor Nic’la’ as ah ken youse aw like tae call me”.

“Anyhoo, youse ‘ave aw had yer Chrismuss like ah said, but wi’ yon Omnipresent beasty aboot, did youse aw gae canny like youse were telt? Naw. Ah telt youse tae tek care an’ thet, but youse wuz aw oot an’ aboot, weren’t yez, at th’ fitba’, shawpin’ an’ doon the bar bevvyin’ an’ stuff. Noo the wee beasty’s a’ over th’ place like shite aff av a shovel, an’ et’s all youse fault, so et tis”.

“So noo, ah’m tellin’ youse thet yer can ferget aboot Hawgmanay, so yer can. Fae Bawksin Day onnards, new regalashuns is in fae three weeks or mair. Hawgmanay celebratin’ is aff, so there’ll be nay meetin’ an’ greetin’ up th’ toon an tha’. Croods a’ any ootdayer do is limited tae five hunnerd, so the Auld Firm game an’ Hibees agin’ th’ Jam Tarts can gae whistle. Ef youse is gaein’ oot for a drenk o’ ah bite, th’ bar can onny serve aff av th’ table, an’ youse ‘ad better keep yer distance an’ aw”.

“Ah’m tellin’ youse noo, there’ll be nay enjoyin’ yersel’ this Hawgmanay. Ef youse dinnae dee whut yer telt this time an’ stay indoors, ah’ll ‘ave th’ poliss roond yer hoose at three in th’ mornin’, an’ they’ll drag yer roond here so ah can get ma foot right up th’ crack o’ yer erse”.

“Reet that’s youse aw telt, so aw thet remains is fer me tae wesh youse an’ yers ah guid, prosperous, but above aw, a HAPPY an’ HEALTHY New Year, jus’ as ah’m sure youse aw had in 2021”.

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Nominated by: Ron Knee

Yes I know by and large such things only last barely a month before it all goes to shit and forgotten about until the next year. But I am more determined than ever to make a better effort this time round. Namely:-

Be less tolerant to tourists, especially those who clutter up single-lane roads with their Chelsea Chariots, and dump their littler all over the shop!

Write to my local Tory MP, Trudy “nice MILF” Harrison, on a monthly basis, warning her that she will lose my vote if she doesn’t find her backbone and tell Boris to fuck off!

Cancel my TV licence. Enough is enough with those smug BBC cunts, especially when the World Cup kicks off in Qatar, and none of the virtue signalling football punters will have the balls to criticise local laws over there – including the very same things they’re very keen to bang on about over in this fucking country.

Getting shot of some of my stupid customers who totally ignore my advice about their IT setup, and then a few weeks/months later complain to me that they’ve lost everything and its somehow my fault!

Replying anonymously to those “How Did we Do?” questionnaires from supermarkets and online retailers, suggesting that their service was shit and that they’re all a bunch of cunts who never listen to feedback anyway.

Buy voodoo dolls and stick photos of Greta Iceberg, BJ Boris and Princess Nutjob’s faces on there heads, and stick pins in them every day.

Give up on the idea of an explicit lesbian sex scene between Natalie Portman and Emma Watson will ever see the light of day!

Become a bit more vocal with local council decision-making, especially when it comes to the resettlement and priority service for “refugees” to the area. The National Trust can fuck off too with any further visits from me.

All the usual half-baked resolutions such as cutting back on booze, wanking, fast food and be more active etc, can all take a hike because no doubt the next Covid variant will supposedly kill me anyway.

What are your resolutions?

Nominated by: Technocunt