The lesson today is taken from the New Testament, 2021 p.c. edition…
* And it came to pass that Mary, wife of Joseph, a lower-income benefit claimant from a disadvantaged family, was with child. And Joseph was sorely displeased and giveth unto his wife a backhander
* And he sayeth unto her “How art thou with child, bitch, when thou hast not parted thy legs for me since we was espoused, init?”
* And Mary did quiver, and replieth “An angel came unto me in a vision and sayeth that I was to be impregnated with God’s child and that he would come forth in the world to end all our sins and his birth would be foretold by a great star and gifts from three kings”
* And Joseph did take another swig from his Stella and giveth unto her another backhander, saying “That’s the biggest bullshit I hast ever heard! This is the only fucking Stella event you are likely to see, you lying bitch”
* But Mary wasn’t not afraid, having the strength of the Lawed upon her. And she sayeth unto Joseph “I will take myself unto social services and wilst have thou arrested, thou heinous pig”
* And so it came to pass that Mary was rehoused in temporary accommodation in the East End and Joseph was servethed a restraining order.
* And so it was that on December 24th, Mary didst receive a threatening letter from the landlord saying “I have re-rented thy flat so begone from here tonight, whore, or I shall breaketh thine legs”
* And so Mary went forth into the night. And it came to pass that she stumbleth upon a homeless person and he taketh pity upon her, saying “Come unto mine squat in a nearby old stables where thou mighst findeth comfort in thine hour of need”
* And at this moment, a great star burst didst appear over her head. “Taketh no notice,” sayeth her benefactor. “‘Tis only the bloody locals celebrating diwali”
* And Mary went with him and as she entereth the stable her waters didst break and she goeth into labour.
* And in the early hours Mary didst give birth unto a boy child, amongst great cries of pain and loss of much blood. And the child was laid in a manger for a bed
* And three men didst appear in the doorway, fresh home from a party, and each weareth a paper crown on his head.
* And Mary did behold them and sayeth “I see three kings!”
* And the first sayeth “Shit, girl, you been through it, ain’tcha? Have a swig of this..” and didst give unto her his bottle of Castlemaine Gold.
* And the second sayeth unto her “I have nothing to give you but a few foreign coins” and handed her a Franc and some Cents
* And the third sayeth unto her “Ah eh! I’ve nought for you, gerly, for I am only a poor scouser and am in a right state. Look. Even me hurr falleth out”
* And so it came to pass that the prophecy was fulfilled. A child with no father was born in a manger, under a star burst, and 3 kings from the East End had brought gifts of Gold, Francs and Cents, and Hurr.
* And the donkey in the corner brayeth “Eee Ore! It’s a fuckin’ miracle…”
Here endeth the lesson.
We shall now sing hymn 123 “We three kings from Orient are; One on a scooter, two in a car.” All rise…
Nominated by: Dioclese
When I was in school it was one in a taxi, one in a car, and one on a scooter blowing his hooter smoking a big cigar.
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Makes about as much sense as the ‘original.’
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Makes more sense. That first version was virgin on the ridiculous.
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And who could forget the ageless classic
“While Shepherds washed their socks..?”
Blimey, I really must put the stopper back in the sherry bottle!
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Keep at the sherry. What state do you think the rest of us are in?
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God forgive Dioclese for he’s drinking of bloody Mary’s on this Christmas Day
😂😂😂 did he the baby go on to be an architect for the future of the East End
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Oh yah, and the header picture is priceless as well😂😂😇
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There was a nice picture of the Pope kissing the almost naked statue of a baby this morning. It looked seriously inappropriate considering those cunts track record of making the little children suffer.
And it was a white kid too, so where are all these cunts who moan about comic book characters being whitewashed when they make a film about them?
A poll in yesterday’s mail reckons that people are fed up that Santa is always portrayed as a white bloke. What fucking people are these? Cunts.
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Considering Santa is based off Odin, and Odin was a Greek god, then him being portrayed as white makes perfect sense. Don’t tell the wokies that though.
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Odin was a Norse god OP.
Not greek.
Although did break plates occasionally.
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I stand corrected Miserable.
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Very good Dio. I hope they make it into a BBC drama soon.
Starring Boy George as Mary of course.
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A parable for these fucked up times indeed.
I’m watching The Spy Who Loved Me with some nice IPA.
Barbara Bach had some cracking tits on her.
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I understand both Guy Ritchie and Quentin Tarratinno are currently in a bidding war for Dioclese’s excellent re-working of the Christmas Story.
I hope he sell to the Yanks: Uma Thurman as Mary, Samuel L Jackson as Joseph, Kurt Russell, George Clooney and Tarrantino as the Magi and Tim Roth as the lickle baby J.
“How is it you are with child biiitch? I haven’t had tops yet, let alone muther-fuckin’ fingers!”
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This is by far the best version, instantly relatable to all those that have even a vague grasp of the English language and its traditional culture, innit.
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It’s a touching good story, of that there’s no doubt.
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To me, the true meaning of Christmas is going round to my mum’s place, making sure she’s got the dinner on, then lying in the bath with a big glass of sherry, reading the comments from you cunts, having just hung out of the window smoking like a spotty teenager. Oh, and really, REALLY shit presents. Sorted.
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Fuck the Baby Jesus. What the fuck has he ever done for us? That wanker Welby was preaching today about welcoming all the poor refugees who need our humanitarian care. Fuck off cunt. 150 of the p*nces arrived in the middle of the night yesterday/today. The MSM made a point of the fact there was a woman and a child among them. Fuck the lot of them and fuck bullshit airy fairy cunting Christianity.
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Amen to that, without a shred of irony.🙂
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“since was was espoused, init”
One of the finest examples of prose ever.
Init.
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With how much I’ve eaten today I feel like I’m starting to resemble the Michelin Man.
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I’ve got 4 pairs of pyjamas, a pair of Bob slippers which are truly excellent.
But you can bet your arse I’ll get another pair of slippers for my birthday.
What I really want is some socks.
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Been out to Family for Christmas Day (first one in 20 odd years not at home).
Have most pressies still to open Boxing Day, but got a nice cut glass tumbler and a gift pack of 3 mini whiskies, so well chuffed 🙂
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Ah-non-binary.
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