Mince Pies

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A better late than never holiday cunting please for mince pies.

Seriously, why do people like these ghastly things? The mince tastes and feels like eating intestines and the less said about the dreadful dried ‘fruit’ (especially the orange peel) the better.

They are almost as overrated – and as horrific – as turkey so far as festive offerings are concerned.

Nominated by: OpinionatedCunt

59 thoughts on “Mince Pies”

  1. Is the header pic a subtle reference to Mince Pie Guy?

    I love Aldi’s own MPs with a splash of custard or fresh cream.

    Mr Kipling can fuck off!

  2. Currants and orange peel are the droppings from Satan’s arse and have no place in modern cuisine.
    The only thing that should be inside shortcrust pastry is meat and gravy.
    Same goes for Christmas cake and pudding. Forget the brandy butter, just give me the brandy!

  3. If they were any fucking good then they would be sold year round.

    My most hated food for Christmas is the dried dates, so dreadful that they have to come in a box with ‘Eat Me’ as a label, and an instruction I suspect.

    As a kid I remember seeing a box of these fuckers on every coffee table in every house that I went to.

    They would stay there, with just one of the nasty dates eaten until the box was chucked out in mid January.

    • Dates and Brussels sprouts – the Devil’s own festering turds that should only be used as instruments of torture and/or cruel & unusual punishment.

      • Sprouts are nice but you have to cook them properly. A lot of people don’t boil them for long enough.

      • My mother would put the sprouts on towards the end of November so that they were ready for Christmas lunch. Each sprout could hold up to a pint of water, so old people could go for a pee every time they ate one.

    • Back in the 60’s my dad used to a get dried dates. The were in a box with rounded ends. The Lion of Babylon or something like that. Fucking evil.

    • I remember one Granny had a box of dates that said “Untouched by Human Hands” on it.
      I guess they were either packed by chimps, or just shat into the boxes.

  4. Good Morning

    Tesco had some great mince pies a couple of weeks ago, one with a crumble top and one with hazelnuts. They had disappeared last week and just the standard, extremely average one, being offered.
    Tesco management are cunts.

    • Agreed. Every year Tesco do party food and I was thoroughly looking forward to the prawns in filo pastry, prawns in potato lattice on sticks and prawns in tempura batter that fly off the shelves.

      None to be found this year. Just rainbow coloured peppers. Untouched.

      Probably to placate the Muslims and gays. Cunts.

    • Sainsbury’s “Taste the Difference” were pretty good.
      I had a rather chewy home-made Christmas Pudding, courtesy of ex. It was really meant for 2020. At least she put about a mug of rum on it.
      She makes excellent coffee pannacottas…

  5. Might be an age thing.
    When I was younger I hated them now I love ❤️ the things. It’s a Cunt.

  6. I like mince pies…I enjoy gently peeling the top of each one before adding a few dottles of sheep shit and replacing the top… I then take them to The Pensioners Christmas Party and tell the organisers ” Aye,it’s been a tough year for the auld ‘uns…thought I’d do my bit”….The gummy old Cunts fight over them like the Hounds fight over a freshly shot rabbit.

    I also enjoy shitting in cardboard boxes,giftwrapping them and taking them to the children’s Christmas party….benefit sponging Cunts.

  7. Remember the big bag of nuts that your parents brought every year?

    You would sit there with your nut crackers and pieces of the shell would fly off in all directions.
    At least half of the actual nuts were green and rotten as they had been picked several years earlier.

    Or the liqueur chocolates shaped like small bottles.
    They were wrapped in various colours of foil which was to signify the liqueur inside, but they all tasted the same.
    And what was the lump of hard sugar at the bottom of the chocolate all about?

    • I like mince pies.
      Never met a pie I didnt like.

      In the old days mince pies
      contained boiled ox tongue,

      Lovely😁

    • Matchmaker chocolates. Glorified twiglets covered in bitter tasting dark chocolate with a horrid mint crisp centre.

      Only ever appeared at Christmas and were a poor man’s After Eight mint.

  8. Can we add chocolates that cannot normally be given away to this?
    Like chocolate covered Brazil nuts, why?

  9. Pies.

    A homely girl named Anne
    Couldnt get a man
    Her mum said darling dont you cry,
    Youll knock em down like skittles
    With some falanatious vitals
    You’ll always get a guy with a pie.

    Salads in the bin
    Ive never saw a gym
    But I’ll be there to watch those fuckers die

    Mince meat or steak
    Its better than a cake
    Youll always get a guy with a pie.

    Even when theyre stale they taste ok with ale
    At the point where hunger pangs intensify.

    Cold weather grub
    Available in the pub

    What else you gonna do with that leftover stew?
    And cuts of meat you cant identify
    Ingredients of the sort just taste better under shortcrust.
    Youll always get a guy with a pie
    You’ll always get a guy with a pie.

    John cooper Clark

  10. I quite like them with a cup of strong tea (tip, nuke the prepared cup for one minute) but only in September when they first appear in the shops. Not on Christmas day when it’s 43°C. Fuck it’s hot here.

    • You near Perth mate? I see that there are big fires around there. Fuckin awesome here around Lake Macquarie. Perfect weather.

  11. … never understood why the gen pop is so gullible. Each and every year the commercial machine cons people into buying ‘traditional festive produce’.
    ‘Traditional’ a term used for some over rated goods including foodstuffs that were pretty shit when originally concocted … slightly improved upon as the commecial entities worked out the benefits to themselves and then subsequently and systematically reduced in quality as the accountants looked for ever increased profit by substituting the actual ingredients with crap. The Christmas kick in the face by big business that just keeps coming … all year round.
    I like a bit of proper fruit cake … Christmas cake sucks.
    Christmas pudding is shit … plum duff … nice.
    Mince pie flavoured chocolate cream eggs … yikes!
    ‘Christmas style’ hot cross fuckin’ buns (with icing) … really? Who knew jeezis liked them.
    Stollen log … what the fuck is that all about.
    Edible nativity scenes … there’s something messed up with that.

  12. I am quite partial to a mince pie and in the last few years have discovered Terry’s White Chocolate Orange around this time of year. Delicious.

  14. I cant stand mince, mincing or mincers, but I bet Dame Kweer loves them judging by the members of his shadow cabinet and chief adviser.

  15. Medieval rubbish.
    Have some nice rum instead and daydream about Ana De Armas.
    Good grief yes.

  16. Whats with all the fucking turkey hate? I just don’t get it! lol

    Its one of the tastier birds and its a essential food for Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter/ Good Friday feasts. Ron Knee also said the same a few days ago Oc

    • Turkey, cranberry, mustard, salt & pepper on white bread.
      The king of Christmas sandwiches 😋👍

    • I never used to like turkey because everywhere I had it, it was dry and tasteless. A couple of years ago I roasted a small crown myself at home and it was moist, tasty and unlike any turkey I’d previously had.

      • Exactly moggie its got to be done right or don’t bother doing it at all Also a few pointers to beginner turkey cooks after cooking it and separate the cooked meat from it the white and darker cuts.

        Mix a bit of chicken broth and butter together and apply a little bit evenly to the dry whites cuts of turkey before putting in the fridge.

        Agreed cuntfinder Best part of turkey leftovers are the sandwiches I like stuffing, mashed potato, cranberry sauce, and turkey gravy no mustard for me tho and on lightly toasted rye or multigrain bread fucking lovely a thing of beauty

  17. This year at the homestead:

    -Turkey✔️
    -Duck✔️
    -massses of veg✔️
    -red wine✔️
    -single malt✔️
    -selection of Dorset ales✔️
    -favourite films on DVD✔️
    -plenty of music✔️

    -mince pies ✖️
    -Christmas cake✖️
    -Christmas Pud✖️
    -deserts✖️
    -noisy relatives✖️
    -mulled wine✖️
    -live TV✖️
    -set itinerary ✖️✖️✖️

    Perfect😀👍

    • At casa del Miserables

      Turkey XL 🍗
      Ale
      Mead
      Mince pies
      Chocolate
      Gammon

      Fruit??❌
      Fuckin veg? ❌
      Wine? ❌
      Anything containing vitamins ❌

  18. Home made Plum Duff
    Home made Mince Pies
    Home Made Xmas Cake

    All beautiful !

    Bought Factory Mass Produced regurgitated shite fucking awful and will not buy !

    • I make my own mince pies and brandy butter and they are very good. I don’t think many people bother now – if you happen to say you’ve made some, you get looked at like you’ve got a mental illness. We did try a Heston Blumenthal’s one the other day and it was pretty good, although rather rich. I draw the line at Christmas Cake though, all the ones I’ve had tasted like something from the Devil’s arse. A friend who has memory problems makes one every year then can’t remember where he put it – he found two in August this year when doing a bit of decorating, silly sod.

      • Ma Chops used to have our cake made by October and it would rest in a sealed biscuit tin, every week she’d open it to drizzle a tablespoon of brandy on it. Come Christmas week it was ready for icing and not before time as by then it was highly volatile and probably usable as a low yield explosive!

  19. I couldn’t agree more about mince pies, tried one when I was a kid, nearly threw up and not gone near one since. But there are other things we’re supposed to eat at christmas that to me are just as bad, like apple sauce and stuffing. The whole idea of everyone sitting down together at the same time and all eating the same thing always struck me as being somehow unnatural. People get hungry at different times and enjoy eating different things.

  20. Hot mince pies… fuckin’ champion! Same with dates, fantastic toffee tasting sticky stringy fuckers. Got a bowl o’ mixed nuts at hand, fuck knows where the crackers wnt so I’ve pressed a pair of Bahco slip joint pliers into service,. One year I even whipped the machine vice off the miller and used that to crack the buggers.

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