Steven Gerrard and Aston Villa FC
“Good afternoon. This is IsAC’s sports correspondent Ron Knee, reporting to you from Villa Park, where I’m joined by Villa’s new man at the helm. Steven Gerrard, Stephano Gerraldo, Stevie G! Wa-hey!”
“Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee… calm down calm down. G’wed”.
“*ahum* yes. Tell us what you know about your new club Stevie!”.
“Eeeeeeeeeeee… yes, no… Villa Aston, famous ol’ club an’ dat. Dey’re boss, but pure antwacky like-ecch. Not wun nuttin’ in an ‘undred years like-ecch”.
“So what are your priorities?”.
“Me top priority’s ta get me piccy takun ‘oldun up de new shairt like-ecch, fer de rags an’ the telly an’ dat. Den I’ll get me trabs an’ trakkies on fer a kick about with the lads”.
“So what’s your initial impression of your new charges?”.
“Eeeeeeeeeee… great bunch of lads, but dey’s playin’ like a bunch of feckin’ meffs an’ fannies at de mo. It’s an absolute show, da big girls’ blouses. I excelled meself in the finer arts of de game, an’ need to learn ’em up pronto”.
“Oh, could you elaborate for our followers?”.
“Well, rollun about like-ecch yer’ve bin shot. Windun up de oppo, gobben off at de ref, spittin’, shairt tuggun. Den dare’s me own speciality, divun in de box”.
“You’ll also be looking to apply your movitational skills straight away, no doubt”.
“I’ll be kicken’ their feckin’ kecks la, like-ecch me arl fella used ta do ta me. Did me no ‘arm”.
“Now some Villa fans of a more cynical disposition are already charging that you see this appointment as a mere intermediary step before you inevitably make your way back to Merseyside”.
“Ya wha?”.
“You’ll be on your toes to Anfield first chance”.
“Eeeeeeee… daydodatdontdaydough. Feckin’ gobshites, de lorra”.
So what’s your message to the Villa faithful?”.
“Walk-ecch on walk-ecch on, with hope in your heart, an’ you’ll never walk-ecch ah-er lone, you’ll NEH-VERER walk-ecch ah-er lone”.
*beep beep* “Aye up la, dat’s me moby pager gowun off ta let me know me bacon butties are ready. I’m feckin’ starvun me, me belly thinks me throat’s bin cut. If I don’t get me scran soon, I’ll end up in the ozzy. See ya, tra”.
“Ah, well sadly, I never got to ask that most interesting of all questions; namely, why does a multi-millionaire insist on going about looking as though he’s had a three quid haircut at a side street barber’s in Govan? Anyway, good luck Steven, something tells me that you’re going to need it at Villa Park if history is anything to go by. This is Ron Knee, for IsAC, returning you to the studio”.
Nominated by: Ron Knee
I have a feeling he’ll actually do well with them. Took a poor Rangers side and knocked Celtic off their perch within 4 years and I get the sense he won’t have the Lampard problem of the players questioning his authority.
5
So do I, OC.
I was feeling a bit sour when I put this up.
2021’s not been kind to the Villa. Results have been shite, injuries have proliferated like dandelions and the club appears to have been badly destabilised by the Grealish defection. Greasey’s replacements have hardly hit the ground running.
I didn’t think Grealish would want to leave but he did. I didn’t think the club would sell him, or sack Smith, or appoint Gerrard, but they did.
Still, your club is bequeathed to you by your grandad and your dad, and I’d be there now but for the fact that I’ve got a fucking bad back yet again. Bastard.
3
Yeah, Gerrard will at the very least get you mid table this season. One of the few big name players of recent times who has the talent to make a top class manager imo.
3
Let’s hope for their sake that they don’t refuse him changing the CD player in the locker room.
1
Fuck me, I thought Sir Limpley had done anther nom ! Saint Steven of Victim City is a fool for leaving Glasgow Rangers. The Villa job is 10 times tougher than the two horse race in Scotland. I thought he might try and win another couple of trophies up there before trying his luck in the English Premier league. I think it’s a de ision he will regret.
5
Inspiring Ron as ever. I know you´re too modest to blow your own trumpet so you won´t mind if I give ISACers a sneak peak into a forthcoming edition of the BBC´s “Arts and Culture” programme in which Stephen Fry and Melvyn Lord Bragg discuss this latest addition to your ouvre.
Melvyn: I must admit I was a teeny bit disappointed that Ron Knee did not win the Nobel Prize for Literature this year. His The Markles trilogy was simply remarkable. Eloquently elitist, naughtily malicious, satirically satirical – in plain English a tour de force.
Stephen: Indeed, Melvyn my old buttered crumpet, although one was obviously delighted that the Prize went to one of our coloured brethren. Perhaps too little, too late but it might help make up somewhat for the slave trade, lynchings, the plantations, overseers taking the pick of the young bare breasted dusky wenches etc. Knee´s portrayal of Meghan, his heroine – if I may use such an old fashion nay sexist word, haw haw – was so profound that I shifted the collected works of Shakespeare from my library shelf and replaced them with The Markles.
Melvyn: One of the main characters is said to be based on you Stephen, old love.
Stephen: Hmm. Yaaas. One was rather flattered to have been the obvious model for his most unforgettable character, Gussie Fry-Nottle, whose roguish antics in public lavatories help offset the Sophoclean travails Meghan, Harry and dear little Archie must endure. However, I don´t wish to hog all the glory. There were other good bits like his portrayal of Harry at Balmoral, with that magnificent fiery red hair and spiky beard, wandering down the glen in his kilt with Meghan in the gloaming. The description of the reflection in the salmon burn of what was under the kilt was intoxicating. Talk about the Loch Ness monster!!!
Melvyn: I couldn´t agree more but what about Knee´s hard knuckle journalism, his jousts with some of the world´s movers and shakers? Did you by any chance see his interview with a chap called Steven Gerrard who is I believe a football player? Gerrard comes from Liverpool and Knee´s brilliant presentation of his dialect reminded me of Hardy´s simple Wessex yeomen..
Stephen: Quite so. I was reminded of D. H. Lawrence´s command of the dialect of those rugged Nottinghamshire miners. Strapping chaps they were with their broad muscular shoulders and manly moustaches. They had no bathrooms in those days so they would go back to their quaint terraced homes covered in coal dust and have their wives throw buckets of water over their backs then get the women to rub soap all over them. One would have adored witnessing – or even taking part if I´m honest – in such splendid scenes. One wonders if Knee could be persuaded to write about scenes like this in his next novel.
Melvyn: Well thank you Stephen for your valuable insight. I´ll just hand over this box of tissues so you can clean up those stains that have suddenly appeared on those nice striped trousers left over from Jeeves you´re wearing before we go on to our next literary topic – the Love Sonnets of Dick Foxchaser-Fiddler.
12
Brilliant, Mr P!
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Don’t be too generous Ron, the sneaky bugger is trying to steal your thunder 😂
PS where is Norman, I see the theatre of dreams squad got a wake up call today 😂
3
Yes Sick, Norman seems to have disappeared, not for long I hope. He can’t be very happy with today’s efforts so perhaps he’s drinking to forget.
OGS’s days look numbered.
(Our Norm was last seen on the 26th October on this thread – Day Admin
Not My Fault)
3
Superb.
3
Agreed: the talent on IsAC is, at times, “golden”😀👍
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Fucking hell, three Englishmen appointed to jobs in the Premier League in the same week!
Do the wokies know about this?
This is pure xenophobia and discrimination against the refugees. Get down on BOTH knees you raaaaaaay-sists!
11
I don’t know what the game’s coming to! Definitely much more diversity needed in the managerial and board room levels in the game. I predict riots any time.
4
Wasn’t there supposed to be some kind of interpretation of the ‘Rooney Rule’, (No, not first pick at the local care home, sorry Wayne) an import from the U.S where applicants for managers had to include an ethnic? Well someone has fucked up haven’t they, the PL is being overrun with white supremacists.
3
All the players are mercenaries who mostly don’t give a shit about the history, or lack of it, of the clubs they play for. So why should managers be any different nowadays. The question of wether or not Stevie G is a success can only be answered by giving him a chance, although it’s a fucking big leap from the SPL. I just think it’s a refreshing change from the hackneyed ‘only foreign coaches know the game’ approach that often ends up being money for old rope. I for one find it difficult to believe that English coaches cannot be a success beyond the lower divisions.
2
Top reporting sir.
Heard this individual interviewed on the wireless earlier. Fuck only knows what he was scousing on about.
Unintelligible for anyone south of Brum.
As for the knee bending footballers, get to fuck.
1
Off to a decent start anyway. Might just be new manager bounce, but Gerrard does sound very determined to succeed.
1
What bollox who gives a fuck
5
He’s got a de-mob haircut.
2
I can’t really see the problem even if he is just using Villa as a stepping stone…if he proves himself there.why not move on to a “bigger” Club?…especially one to which he has such a close connection. He’ll have,presumably,left Villa in a better situation than when he came, so both him and Villa will have gained.
2
Can’t see the problem with that Dick. It’s probably the way most players and managers hope that things will go.
2
… ain’t that called soccer balls? The ‘beautiful’s’ game …. where a bunch of lack lustre Foreign Johnnies take the knee then prance about virtue signalling for an hour or so while diving around, feigning injury, whipping up the crowd into a frenzy to get the tribal juices flowing and getting them to chant melodic renditions of the greatest hits … Who’s the bastard in the black, Fuck you you fuckin’ cunt, Your gonna get your fuckin’ head kicked in, You’ll never walk again? It’s comin’ home, it’s comin home footballs comin home … and it doesn’t! So on and so forth and some such! Yeah Stevie you scouse git you be lording it up with your white privilege. I’ll bet that Aston fuckin’ Villa has always been the team that you’ve most wanted to manage … not. Claret n blue, claret n blue … brummie cunts! 😉
2
Mr Polly, fantastic! I tip my hat to you, sir.
Steve Gerrard, who?
Villa? Isn’t that something rich people have?
Sorry, couldn’t give a single fuck about football, cricket, snooker, boxing. All boring as fuck.
Make that two fucks!
2
Actually, make that four fucks, I wouldn’t want cricket and boxing to feel left out.
1
Great cunting Ron 👍
Hilarious mate 😂
I’ve never been sure how to write in scouse until now.
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Thanks HJ.
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If he’s half as good a manager as he was a player, he’ll do well for Villa.
It seemed he almost had the ability to get in a header at goal from one of his own corners, such was his dominance during his main years at Liverpool.
2
No shits given
1
Fuck Villa. Brummie bastards.
I still haven’t forgiven them for what happened in 1981.
Wibble.
2
Lol nice one!
1
In all seriousness, I feel like one of those sad old bastards who used to annoy me talking about shite from decades ago when I was a kid. My father used to go on about Blackpool in the 1950s. My mother tells me her father used to go on about when Grimsby were in the First Division in the 1930s.
Missed a load of chances against Sunderland today apparently. Northern cunts.
1
Memory’s a strange thing. I can’t remember what I had for tea last night, but my memory of watching Villa take the FA Cup against Yanited in 1957 is crystal clear. We were hunched around a tiny 9 inch screen b and w telly, my grandad and dad jumping about and yelling like a couple of bloody maniacs at the final whistle.
1
I can see the crappy 1970s television I watched the 1978 cup final on in my mind. I recall listening to Radio Orwell on my parents’ big radio sideboard thing when Ipswich beat West Brom in the semi-final. The 2000 playoff final is vivid in my mind too.
I am one sad old twat.
1
Try being a Sheffield United fan lately. Boy, are we fucking shit.
1
What the heck’s gone wrong up there?
1
If I think your talking about the Blades Ron. Very bang average to poor players on bloated contracts not putting in the required effort. I’ve been a season ticket holder for 40 years and one thing Blades will not stand for is lack of effort. I don’t mind us losing if we’ve tried our best. But the can’t be arsed attitude really boils my piss.
2
As a Villa fan, this sounds all too depressingly familiar to me Bob.
Bloody hell, we’ve had some right time-servers at Villa Pk in the last couple of decades.
I think as supporters we’ll forgive almost anything, but a can’t be arsed but I’ll take the money attitude isn’t one of them.
Hope the Blades pull their socks up soon for the fans.
1
Cheers Ron. All the best to the Villa for the rest of the season. By the way, thanks for Gordon Cowens. What a player he was.
0
Sorry Ron, Gordon Cowans.
0
The cunt should have waited and gone to Old Trafford. Olly will be off to dark Norway soon.
2
I would rutt his missus until my sack was dry. Unfortunately that would take all of 15 minutes these days!
0
I’m being naïve here but if the highly-paid players fuck up a match because they’ve spent the night before snorting cocaine and drinking themselves silly, and indulging in perverted sexual practices with filthy decadent whores why is the manager who is the one who gets the sack?
1