Can’t speak, Can’t Spell – What’s the problem?

(Yeah I know this is from a different show, but it made me laugh. FecK Iff – Day Adbin)

Very Quick NOM here.

Why would anyone care? Yanks can’t speak nor spell so what’s the fucking problem?

Yahoo News Link

For example penmanship you mean calligraphist (i reply),

Them: two lanes either-side separated by a divide
Me (yeah right fucktard): Dual carriageway perhaps?
Them: A what.

Them: ahhh twOt?
Me: ehh I said Twat, TWAT
Them: …puzzled look Twot???

Me: Oh for fucks sake.

Me: Ok Aluminium
Them: ahhh aloo min um? Is that right?

Me: What the fuck do you think?

Me: Sulphur
Them: Sulfur,
Me: It is an ancient element from 1000’s of years ago.
Them: I wanna spell it like a retard
Me: What like Fosforus?

Language butchers, how can they complain about spelling practices if they can speak or spell. Just fucking burn Webster’s cuntionary.

Yet Subpoaeanaed is spelt correctly by them.
Yet foetus, haemoglobin, faeces all spelt wrong with such impressive cuntitude.

Me: Favour
Them: No FavOr

Me: Check your fucking constitution!!!

Nominated by: Get Fucked Woke Cunts

96 thoughts on “Can’t speak, Can’t Spell – What’s the problem?

  1. The illiterate colonials I’m surrounded by insist on the Yank spelling of programme. Twats.

    Great username.

  2. The septics might argue (and with good reason) that they’re correct with words like “center” and that our way of spelling it is rather, shall we say…’french’. And fuck those garlic-munching, immø-assisting cunts.
    I love “ough” words…is there any other language in the world where a few letters arranged the same can have 4 different sounds.
    “Cough”, “enough”, “plough”, “through”…wonderful stuff and makes it understandably difficult for foreign types to pronounce correctly.
    Hooray for the English and good morning ISAC gentlemen!

  3. Those poor yanky doodles.
    They dont know any better.
    My mum used to say you shouldn’t mock them.

    Their big round faces
    Their noisy outbursts
    Its something to do with having a missing chromosome or something.

  4. Anyone noticed how television adverts are becoming speechless ?
    There’s the Domino’s one, which consists of yodeling.
    There’s one with a a soft toy.
    And another that escapes me for the moment.
    Perhaps it’s seen as a good way of communicating with our increasingly diverse population.
    Either way, it’s a cunt.
    Off topic. I ventured out an hour ago, on this cold and frosty morn’ and didn’t see a soul.
    Where the fuck is everybody ?
    All succumbed to Omicron ?
    Or have we become a nation of lazy bastards ?
    Wake up, Britain !
    Good morning.

  5. Yanks commentating on English football is a laugh a minute when they try and pronounce names like Middlesbrough and Tottenham.

    More flotsam in the Channel today I hope.

    • I remember that shite septic actor John Leguizimo or whatever he’s called on Soccer AM saying he was a Leicester fan.

      He pronounced it lie -sess – ter.

      The fucking bellend.

      • Basically once Andy Gray got on Sky that was it. It was all over.

        Doesn’t matter what you say just don’t stop talking even if it’s bollocks.

        Flood gates open.

        The dyke is dry.

        Yes cunty bollocks smash up the house.

      • Karen Carney last week (for Man City vs PSG I think it was – so just Messi, Mbappe and the City frontline she compared herself to!) ‘Cos they are forward players like meself, and I can tell you, as a forward, that you’ve got to be strong in them positions.’


        Yes, house almost smashed up.

      • A-fucking-men to that. There are plenty of ways a man can get his eardrums harrowed by the grating sound of a clueless entitled harridan, without violating sport

    • Ho ho or Dennis Pennis immortal line.

      How do you want your burger?
      (Served overarm with plenty of topspin)

      The yanks don’t get it – you figure it out

      Then he bitched about ‘you fukkin english, fuck yer taxi’s I need to get a cab’,

      (So he runs down the street in London after road sweepers, maintenance vehicles, AA vans and finally a JCB).

      When he did the Premier Leagoo and the FAR cup final… brilliant.

      Minute twenty five just past sports fans.

  6. Omicron sounds like a shite 1980s computer you’d find in the Grattan catalogue (after looking at the see through bra section, of course).

    Why didn’t they just call it dark key covid?

    Although omicron is an anagram of

    I Mr C o on

    • Morning CB, yes indeed…you could always see a hint of nip, couldn’t you?!
      But nowt else…so aged 13, I levelled up by starting to shoplift Fiesta and Razzle from the newsagents…much more fulfulling.

      • Haha

        I remember my shouting up the stairs ‘Have you got that catalogue in your room again?’ several hundred times.

        ‘Yeah I’ve got it. I’m just looking at the bikes again.’

        If you flopped it open it always fell open on the same page. Titties.

        Wasn’t brave (mad?) enough to rob grumble mags, but I did once find some hedge porn. Took it home, and let’s just say it was unusable after a few minutes. It wasn’t in a great state when I found it either.

        What a disgrace I was. I’m lucky I can fucking see anything.

      • I remember being about 10 and my friend and I were in his greenhouse with a purloined copy of “Whitehouse” from his dad’s shed. At the time, the hardest porn available we thought.
        Probably the first time we’d ever seen a lady’s flaps spread wide open and I’ll never forget his description of the hairy growler.
        “Eeeuurrgghhh” he said, “it looks like a horrid blancmange!”

      • Indeed.

        There were shocks. I recall buying my first art pamphlets when I was about 19 or 20.

        I had no idea what was what and once bought ‘Readers’ Wives’.

        Was it me, or did he some of those horrible looking women have diseased fannies? I’ve never seen fannies in real life like the ones in Readers’ Wives. They always looked like a rat that’d been run over. Lots of red and pimples on the cunt flaps (VD?)

        Fucking almost puked. You’d have to be some degenerate to get off on that.

        Wasn’t Rose West in it once? That’d be a challenging wank now. You could just about see ol’ Fred’s reflection in the wardrobe mirror with his nob in one hand and a hammer in the other. Allegedly.

      • Cuntybollocks@
        The delightful Rose did indeed star in Readers Wives.
        Mrs West ‘the belle of Gloucestershire:

        Some are drawn to glitz and glamour.

      • Porn hunting was an excellent teenage sport back in the 80s.
        Like spotty tit obsessed Indiana Jones we were.
        No sport in it now,the magic portable telephone fetches owt you like.
        A shame really the decline in good healthy outdoor activities.

      • Agreed Terry.
        Much healthier for a young man.
        The thrill of the hunt!
        As a youth id scramble through 15ft of brambles for a dogeared few pages of Razzle.

      • Or, if you were lucky, you’d hit the jackpot and see some pubes through the gossamer-thin see-through panties!

      • The trouble with 80’s hedge porn as I recall was there was usually more thicket between the pages than in the hedge you found it in.

        I seems to have only ever found Razzle sasquatch edition.

    • The Victorians wouldn’t have called it Omicron.
      They’d have called it Pygmy Fever.
      Or, Bulawayo Rot.
      Something exotic and exciting.
      They would have brought out a ‘cure ‘ in a bottle.
      ‘ Arbuthnott’s Tincture Of Bismuth ‘
      It would have had a colourful label.
      Red uniformed troops of the Empire, throwing dead and diseased Dark Keys on to a blazing pyre.
      ‘ Have you had your Arbuthnott’s today ? ‘

    • My first exposure to meat flaps in a mag was probably at my dad’s work site. I was just puzzled; dodgy-looking roast beef with a scouser’s perm.

  7. The way Americans say “Aluminum” and especially “Route” rather than the phonetic “root”, do my head in.

      • For me its Stonehenge and Madagascar.

        Yanks ‘stone henge’
        ‘madaga. Scar’

        Its one word you simple twat.

      • “Wuss-Chesterrr-shi-errr sowass”

        Thick cunts.

        Morning all-particularly our North American contributors”

      • Morning CG. As a Briton in the colonies I encounter so much of this I could explode from piss boiling if I let it get to me.

        Here are a few tactics. When a septic pokes fun at our spelling of aluminium, simply point out that the British spelling is consistent with the spelling of just about every other element in the periodic table and how dumb it’d sound if we said magnesum, chromum, lithum. Then finish with sodum, which works on several levels.

        If they go for sulphur, ask them why they don’t spell a certain city Filadelfia.

        I could go on all day about this but the American habit of inventing new words when there are perfectly good time honoured ones, and especially creating new verbs, particularly boils my piss.

        For example if you arrive in, say, Filadelfia on a British Airways flight, a matronly stewardess will invite you to disembark in received pronunciation. If you arrive on an American airline then a host will invite you to de-plane. The cunts.

        Another particular piss boiler is ‘gotten’. Try saying that without sounding like cletus from the Simpsons.

        Then you get the PC lexicon..for example waiters and waitresses have disappeared, they’re all ‘servers’ now. Actresses don’t exist.

        And then there is the use of words that give away their inner prudishness. The number of times I’ve gone to the bathroom to discover no bath in there is staggering.

        That’ll do for now, I’m sure I’ll return to this nom when I think of some more piss boilers. Maybe IY can add some texan flavour.

        Oh and the one word you’ll seldom hear used here ,because it is a nuclear option, is cunt.

        Unlike in Blighty where it is used for emphasis, punctuation, term of endearment or term of abuse.

      • And “faucet”… Came from Old French, via Late Middle English.
        What a load of SHIT.

        Worse, is the tinpot frog racism displayed by mingling little wankstains like microbe and barmier, who can’t cope with the fact that some sort of English has become a lingua franca.
        Somebody ought to tell the little tits that today, it is the USA driving the spread of English.

    • I’m back already. My kids wear sneakers. They laugh at me when I call them trainers.

      Kid: Stoopid daddy, why do you call them trainers?!

      Me: because I use them for training not sneaking.

  8. I once had to order a taxi to New York’s Warwick Hotel at JFK Airport. Took ages to get through to the stupid fat bitch that it’s ‘Worrick’.
    Uppity colonials shouldn’t try to tell an Englishman how to pronounce English.

  9. On the other hand, we need to educate our own population in tbe correct use of homophones etc, as in:

    ‘It’s there right to talk and spell like cunts’


    ‘I would of’ or ‘I should of’.

  10. Lef-tenant. Vs Loo-tenant.
    Both spelled lieutenant. Again it’s the Froggies that influenced our pronunciation. Something to do with how northern France pronounced ‘yes.’ Which we owned.
    Either way, it’s our word now so fuck off.

    • I’ve even heard BBC cunts pronounce it ‘Flight LOOtenant’, which boils my fucking piss for purely personal reasons.

  11. Given the way everyone is now texting rather than speaking, I can see a scenario in the not too distant future where our voice boxes will seal up and we’ll never speak again through lack of use!

    Instead, we’ll just whip out our phone/tablet and PM someone standing 2ft away.

    Thus – a scene in a boozer

    Cunt on his Ipad – “Cood I get 2 beers innit, bro!”
    Barman on his Samsung- “1 min x”
    Cunt – “Safe”
    Barman – “£12 mate x”
    Cunt – “fuk”

    or two people on a romantic evening on the sofa sharing a meal

    Bloke on his iPhone “Do u want frys wit dat?”
    Bint on her SufacePro “r they veg fris?”
    Bloke “dunno”
    Bint “fansi a fuck or a blowi”
    Bloke “get me coc out den”
    Bint “nice cock”
    Bloke struggling to text “o yeah do it babes”
    Bint with one hand on bloke’s dick other hand on keyboard “bigboy!
    Bloke “o yepyep yep”
    Bint “is strictly on yet”
    Bloke “wot?”

    Romantic moment over.

  12. Oh … I thought you were talking about Scotland! There’s certainly a speech impediment thing going on there. As for spelling well they don’t gotta clue … when refer to a person from Scotland they spell it SCOT whereas we all know it’s spelt CUNT! 😉

    Only joshing … we know it’s Sweaty

      • Yes it does!

        There’s another way thing to boil a Scotchman’s piss, why would you do it? Because you can.

        If a Scotchyman does something noteworthy and good on the world stage, the English media will refer to him as British.

        If the deed is bad, then Scotch, obviously!

    • Talking of AIDS, there was a documentary on BBC 4 last night on the 30th anniversary of Freddy Mercury dying of it. Part of it showed how some said he deserved it because of his hedonistic lifestyle, and among those shown was a clip of David Blunket, now Lord Blunket, basically saying he had it coming. I expected to see the cunt in the papers getting vilified for it this morning, and sure enough he was there, but for slagging of radio four involving gender politics.
      Teflon cunt.

  13. Working in IT for most of my life I met and communicated with many Americans. Our younger daughter’s partner is Dutch and I’ve spent time in the Netherlands and met his family. Most Dutch people have a better command of English than most Americans in my experience.

    • The one that cracks me up is the sheer number of Yanks who just can’t get their gobs around the word ‘nuclear’. It’s ‘nook-you-ler’ in their world.
      Walking down the Royal Mile in Edinburgh one time, I saw a bloke wearing a t-shirt that had on the front ‘Welcome to America. Now speak American’.
      Might have been ironic, but I doubt it.

      Morning all.

  14. Being unable or more likely, unwilling to speak properly is no barrier to a successful career in the modern world of communications.

    Look no further than this as an example :

    “Der fing is dat dis teem needs t take da knee t faat raycism an ders no legitimate reezon for da fans to boo de knee taking innit”

    Ubiquitous TV pundit Rio Ferdinand

    • Vee-hick-ull is another favourite of mine.
      When walking through a mall in Florida, I was invited by a bird who looked like an actress from ‘Dynasty’ who was in fact trying to flog apartments.
      I told her sharpish that I wasn’t interested, but she flashed teeth that could have inflicted snow blindness, informed me that her name was Charleen, and invited me to ‘peruse our brush-yure at your lee-shure’.

  15. Another septic habit is using too many words or unnecessarily long words when a one shirt word would do. They do it to look smart but end up just sounding dumb to a master of the Queen’s such as myself.

    For example, transportation, when they mean transport. I usually get blank looks when I point out that transportation means sending convicts to Australia.

    And since we were on the Grattan catalog underwear section, at least one store I know of calls their underwear section ‘intimate apparel’.

    • Germans do it too

      They use words like “Panzerkampfhimmelblutzenfuhrerjagervagen“,

      when we say “tank”

  16. Airplane when they mean aeroplane.

    The way to destroy a septic on this one is to point out even the Wright brothers called their company the ‘Wright Bros Aeroplane company’.

  17. Been hearing this bollux for years. Can’t you cunts get it into yer skulls that Americans do NOT speak English. They speak American English, different spelling words and keybosrds. Worry about the dorks in THIS cuntry who can ot spell or speak proper like what I do.

    • The trouble is HTB that due to the septic’s cultural imperialism with Hollyweird etc, they are the source of much of the rot in Blighty.

    • Harry, I couldn’t agree more! Cunts in the UK need to learn how to spell, AND talk. Everyone speaks either Mockney or Estuary English, or even worse the street language of the ‘Wigger’. Nothing winds me up more than when I receive a text that looks like it was written by a fucking 12 year old, but comes from someone of more advanced age, unless it was from Cliff Richard!

      • Wigger-speak is known as LME or London Multiculti English, although i prefer the name ‘Crimese’

  18. And somehow inexplicably, the words diversity, equity and inclusion now mean ‘all white people are racists and need not apply.’

  19. I could spend all day droning on about Yanks and their butchering of a perfectly good language.

    But I won’t. You’d be bored and so would I.

    Yanks though, eh? One of their more puzzling language faux pas is their inconsistent pronunciation of the letter H. Sometimes they don’t (e.g. they say “erb” not “herb”) and sometimes they do (e.g. “fucking Hell I’m thick” – they don’t say “fucking ‘ell I’m thick” ).

    The lingo over here though, with respect, isn’t English and hasn’t been for a long time. A form of English perhaps, but it ain’t English. And the next Yank who writes “your” when they mean “you are”, will be tortured. They’ve been given fair warning.

    That said, I’d take a Yank trying to speak/write my language over an Indian trying to do the same. I should really copy and paste some of the utter drivel I see in work emails every fucking day. I’ve been contemplating a cunting for these mongs who speak and write English in such a bizarre way that you have to spend your own valuable time trying to decipher what they mean or what they’re trying to say. FFS!! I’m not the one making communication difficult you ignorant cunts – you are! “Orrrr velly sorry understanding not my words isn’t it”. Do the needful and fuck off.

    • Morning IY, agreed on all points. Our existences sound similar. This mom did get me going a bit. I got some of it off my chest.

      But sub-continentals eh!? I know what you mean. The most annoying habit is dropping articles. It’s like they get punished or taxed for using ‘a’ or ‘the’.

      • Greetings BH –

        “sub-continentals” – that made me chuckle. Good one. There’s one particular plank I have to deal with at work who uses the word “actually” almost every other word. It is beyond annoying. Actually.

        I’m sure my Hindi isn’t up to scratch and I fully accept that. The difference is I’m not working in downtown Calcutta trying to converse with the locals. I’m in America, trying to converse in English. I shouldn’t have to concentrate like mad and translate/add missing words/re-arrange words/re-interpret whole sentences/etc just to understand what some cunt is trying to say.

        Don’t get me started on the accents either. I have an accent (British obviously), but at least it is not an obstacle to being understood. About the only thing the Yanks sometimes have trouble with is when I say (correctly I might add) ‘war-ta’ meaning “water”. I cannot and will not bring myself to say ‘wah-der’. That’s very cunty indeed. The -sub-continent crowd are often practically impossible to understand. I give props to Yanks here. They seem to do far better than me at understanding Indians. There’s a team lead over in deepest Calcutta (or wherever he is – I really don’t care) and when he calls a meeting I literally have no clue what is going on. I catch about 1 word in 10 and have to figure out the context of the conversation based upon that and what the other people say. It’s very annoying and frustrating. What pisses me off even more is the automatic assumption that the person not understanding is the problem. It’s not! It’s the cunt who mumbles some noises at 100 miles an hour that sound like he’s under water. THAT’S that problem, not my English ears. FFS!

        Anyway, hope you’re having a good Sunday.

      • Morning IY, doing OK up here in the chilly NE, would love to be in TX about now.

        Water is a real piss boiler. Not a hard ‘Tee’ in sight. Nsounds like warder to me.

  20. A yank tool on Y’alltoob has breakfast served to him.
    Hey, check it out guys. These eggs look legit!
    What? Do they offer an illegitimate version too?
    How hard is it to pronounce mirror? They can’t fucking do it. Meeeear
    They can’t distinguish a turtle from a tortoise even.

    • Turtle when they mean tortoise, stupid cunts. When I take my kid to the zoo and hear that (universally, they all do it) I want to suggest they chuck the tortoise, a land animal, in the sea lion exhibit and see how it gets on.

  21. Most of the English language is bastardised by the dark keys and Johnny foreigner in the UK.
    Arks instead of ask is a big piss boiler for me and it is starting to be used by white lads That wanna be black innit bruv…..cunts

  22. Their term for nonces is ‘foot-lover; as they pronouce it peddo-phile.

    Idiotic, corn-fed colonials.

Comments are closed.