Doing a “Ratner”

The younger cunters on these hallowed pages might not know what im on about, but a “Ratner” is a colloquial term for making an error of judgment named after Gerald Ratner, a low grade jeweller who made a joke that pretty much said he only sold cheap cràp,

My Ratner moment came 18 years ago at a family wedding here in Blighty where I asked my cousin who the “blik” gentlemen was, and was he doing Zulu dances for the entertainment,

She said no that’s my son in law, married to my other daughter,

Lady Quimson scuttled off for a fäg and left me high and fucking dry to get nasty looks and comments from some of the other guests,

I have yet to be invited to any other family weddings, but I hate that branch of the family so ain’t missing much,

Have any of my fellow cunters had a “Ratner” at any time, it would certainly make me feel less of a stupid cunt!

Nominated by: Captain Quimson

Ratner Gaffe Lives On

43 thoughts on “Doing a “Ratner”

  1. I was doing a job for this bloke and asked him where his mum wanted a box of kitchen stuff.
    My mum? He asked,
    “Yeah the lady in the kitchen”
    Thats my wife he frostily replied.😀
    And was labouring for another removal firm and the driver asked the customer when the baby was due?
    “Im not pregnant”.😀👍

  2. Amazingly if you fast forward thirty years, companies can now call their customers racists, insist their employees undergo racial bias training and rebrand products in the name of social justice while being lauded as woke heroes.

    • Talking of woke heroes, I see that ultra lefty Osaka bird (half black half Jap BLM lovin’ chippy ‘don’t talk to me bird’) just got knocked out in the first round of the Wokelympics. BBC are devastated, of course.

      Main story on their webpage today lol.

      • Ha ha ha ha ha😂
        She must now commit traditional Hari-Kiri or its modern equivalent.

        Which is what Ratner did, professionally….

      • Well, they have more than made up with it with all the bollocks about bumder Tom Daley. Fucking sick making.

  3. Oh yes. Some years ago there was a cunt playing for Southampton, I think it was, who was accused of rape by some chamber maid on a pre season tour in Spain I think it was. Anyway it was a load of bollocks and the bird ended up in court herself. But, as you would expect, at every away game, he got stick and called a rapist and all that shit. (this was in the days before footballers cried about their hurty feelings)
    Anyway there was this new woman at work, seemed pleasant enough but I didn’t really talk to her. One day she’s talking to this bloke and i’m walking past and he says “Oi Freddie, you’re a football bloke…..what do you know about …………? “ He said his name, which i’ve now forgotten.

    “The rapist?” I said.

    She said “He’s my nephew.”

    Of fuck……..oh fuckity fuck.
    I had to think fucking quick. I just laughed, said wasn’t it terrible how cunts still throw that nonsense at him, put my arm round her and asked if she could get me a Cup Final ticket.
    From then on I had to talk to her all the time, firing jokes at her, pretending I was just a great big comedian and the rapist thing was part of my act.
    Thank fuck she left after 6 months, trying to be funny all the time was wearing me out.

  4. I once bought some of that cunts earrings as a romantical bribe to get into a classy young ladies knickers.
    It was an absolute failure.
    Wanker she may have called me..and it was certainly the case for a while thereafter.

  5. Coming out of the Lidl the other day getting my pound back from my trolly I threw the pound to the bloke sitting crossed legged on the floor, he caught it and said he didn’t want it thanks I’m just waiting for my wife, I felt a bit of a cunt then at least he said it with a smile.

  6. Told a joke about the Herald of Free Enterprise ferry to a table of birds at work. I thought it was hilarious, Fat Tracy didn’t, her cousin was onboard. Still get the heebee jeebee’s about it today.

  7. I’m behind pedantic (because I’m a cunt) but I’d have said ‘doing a Ratner’ would mean being highly critical of the product or service you provide. You know, if the boss of a supermarket chain said “All our food is fucking shit. I shop at M&S and Waitrose for my grub. I wouldn’t give the food I sell in my supermarkets to my dog, you smelly cunts!”

    That’s doing a Rather and it might be the end of your business if you do it.

    But saying the wrong thing at the worst possible time?

    I do recall a long pub lunch on a sunny Friday afternoon once, many years ago when I was a young civil servant. We’d got onto the subject of fit birds at work, and I mentioned this 20 year old stunner who’d just started in my office. She was fucking gorgeous, but a bit of a stuck up, aloof bitch as it turned out. Anyway, I went into an OTT routine of what I would do to her (bending her over etc). I recall squirting mayonnaise in the beer garden during this performance.

    While everyone was laughing, one lad, who was fairly new himself, sat there a little stoney faced and said “That’s my little sister you’re talking about.”

    I put the squirty mayonnaise bottle down pretty sharpish and was, for once, speechless.

  8. I had a Ratner moment…. I met him in his house ! I was seeing his kids nanny at the time. We popped back to the house to pick something up and she thought he was out. Nice bloke, he’d just got out of the shower, bit embarrassed so he grabbed a towel and shook my hand. He used to live opposite the old cunt Michael Parkinson. After a big storm many years ago one of his big trees fell on Parkys fence and caused a lot of damage. Parky was quoted to have said that “his trees were about as good as his jewellery”. True story.

  9. Some people really are social hand grenades. They have absolutely no moderation switch or “nicety” buffer.

    Where is our Lord Fiddler? He should be all over this thread.

    Believe it or not, I know when to tone it down😉

    I have had similar experiences to Miserable-once bumped into an old female friend and congratulated her on being pregnant- saying something like:

    “It’s true what they say, you really do look radiant.”

    “I’m not pregnant” as she burst into tears.
    That was awkward…

    Or the time, after clocking a fit bird in her forties, I asked a younger associate (late 20’s), at a wedding:

    “Is that one of your Aunties? She’s in good nick for her age”

    To which he replied, “No, it’s my girlfriend. And yes, she is in good nick.”
    Fortunately he laughed and a slap on his back, diffused any tensions 😚

  10. I’m not sure if this counts, but while shopping with an ex, she went to the disabled checkout (the place was more or less empty and the cashier waved her in). I said something about ‘You can’t use that one, it’s not allowed,’ and she just shook her head and pushed to trolley to the checkout.

    I thought you could only use them if disabled, and (in my mind!) to save my ex getting told off, I pretended to be a spacca. She asked me to pass something from the trolley and I just stood there with spaccy arms and legs and Joey Deacon voice. She said, “What are you doing, you idiot?”

    I just kept it up, even dragging my leg.

    I always wondered, did the cashier believe my performance? Probably not, but if she did, she’d have thought my ex was a right cunt. And she was!

  11. Many many years ago I was working at pc world. A customer came in with a laptop with a broken screen. It was on the last day of his warranty meaning we’d have to replace it with a new one with better specs. I simply commented “well that’s convenient isn’t it”. Then spent 10 minutes being bollocked by my manager.

  12. My next door neighbour at uni brought this minger back and shagged her all night. The next day his door was open so I went in and he was sat at his desk. I asked him what that ugly thing he brought back was, but she was still under his duvet! As her head popped out from under the covers, all I could say was “I didn’t mean you”. Best I could come up with at the time. She was in floods of tears apparently. My neighbour blanked me for a month after that.

  13. I’m always embarrassing myself. Recently took short and ran into the toilets at Tesco to find the only trap engaged.
    Ran into the ladies, same result. Then I noticed the disabled toilet so dashed in there, sat down and sent a huge sausage to the seaside.
    Feeling pleased with myself and pulling my trollies up I pulled the flush, but it wasn’t the flush, it was the alarm chord in the event of a disabled person getting stuck.
    Next thing the whole of the Tesco staff were surrounding the bog offering me assistance. Fuck me another shit day.

  14. Ironically I used to work for Ratner, via his H. Samuels central distribution centre in Birmingham back in the early 1990s.
    He used to pop in from time to time in his chauffeur driven roller, and look down on all the workers as he did is departmental walkabouts with all the arse-licking sycophantic department managers in tow.

    I recall on one occasion he spent some time in the Goods-In warehouse watching the guys in the tower forklifts putting cages of stock away in the aisles.

    One of the guys was a cheerful Rastafarian geezer nicknamed Carlos. Top bloke, good worker and very funny. But Ratner got to speak to him with some inane patronising questions, and Carlos put on a really strong Rasta/West Indian accent so the posh cunt couldn’t understand him.

    Some of the words Carlos was coming out with were quite offensive if you understood the lingo. and of course Gerald didn’t and just nodded in ignorant agreement with everything Carlos said, more or less suggesting he was a complete cunt!

  15. I worked for a (thankfully short) while at a Harley Davidson dealer and while fetching some accessories from the stores looked at a t shirt that proclaimed that “real bikers only ride Harleys”
    Said to the stores girl “well that’s bollocks for starters”
    Turned round and the manager was standing there giving me the evil eye.
    No wonder it didn’t last…

  16. A good few years ago i was visiting my brother and sat in the living room was a Pakistan bird I said to my brother are you opening a corner shop. No he said this is your nephew’s fiancee.

    • That’s the sort of thing my Unc (fantastic bloke, RIP) would’ve said to his brother and/or sister-in-law.
      One day, she stated very proudly that her son had got a job with Garrard’s, the crown jewellers.
      “What as? A forecourt attendant?”
      Oh, I thought you said garage…
      He’d been in tanks, and he used partial deafness to great effect.

  17. A deliberate Ratner moment…

    “Did you hear poor old Bob died”
    “Good riddance. One less cunt in the world”
    “you shouldn’t speak ill of the dead!”
    “Why not? Bloke was a cunt. At least now he’s a dead cunt”

    Dropped dead of a heart attack whilst giving one of his staff an undeserved bollocking…

  18. Didn’t the silly old codger almost lose everything after doing that speech?

    That said, a lot of jewellers come from a certain part of this planet – who always seem to make money so I am sure he’s done OK.

  19. A couple of weeks ago I had a final, rather pointless, physio session for a major shoulder injury from the beginning of October last year. I had “face-to-face” appointments initially every 2/3 weeks¹, always with the same nurse. She was an implausibly slightly-built woman in her early forties, probably around 6½ stone and 5’3″, but very friendly and competent.

    I had cancelled the last few due to work (and the pain was receding) so I hadn’t seen her since April. I must have had a total of 10 sessions and had got to know her fairly well. It’s only sore now if I wave my arms around (eg in the gym) and I asked her about this. I described such putative arm waving by reference to Magnus Pyke.

    When she looked blankly at me (although wearing a face mask) and said she had no idea who he was, I replied:
    “I’m 55 and only just remember him from TV. I suppose if you’re under fifty you’d never have heard of him. He was famous for waving his arms around”.

    Fuck me – you could almost hear the squelch under my foot from this gaffe – even through that face mask looks could kill. I swiftly realised my faux pas (effectively overestimating her age by 10-15 years) was irredeemable, so I bid her a fond farewell for the last time a few minutes later.

    I felt so bad, I sent her quite a large and costly flower delivery a couple of days later to say thank you and good luck for the future.

    ¹ The shattered scapula and three broken ribs was initially quite exquisitely painful – plus I started morphing (haha) into Hermann Goering on the copious quantities of opioids I had acquired – so I didn’t commence physio until December.

  20. Me: Where you from?
    Him: Aceh, heard of it?
    Me: Yes! Famous place, Full of terrorists and tsunamis


    Me: You going home to Aceh for Idul Fitri?
    Him: No
    Me; But everyone goes home to spend time with their families
    Him: My parents brothers and sisters were all washed out to sea by the Boxing Day tsunami no trace was ever found

  21. Hmm. The whole fucking country has been Ratnered by the bliarcunt. How about the CEO of that overpriced razor racket saying that it was worth the $8,000,000,000 loss just to be a virtue signalling wanker? Or the mate whos phone slipped down the side of the sofa and all on its own phoned another mate who he proceeded to slag off for a good half hour? WMD

  22. I’m a walking, talking Rattner moment. If there’s a delicate situation, my choice of comment is guaranteed to be tactless – not always intentionally (present cuntery excepted). But I can’t match the nom’s example, or several others. Nothing comes close. Congratulations!

  23. I was invited by one of the younger lads from work, to go on a night out with the football team he played for.
    We went to the dogs in Sheffield, it was all going swimmingly, until I told a joke about a priest, a choir boy, and testicular cancer.
    Apart from me laughing the silence was deafening, I half expected some tumbleweed to blow across the bar area.
    Afterwards, Josh the lad from work told me the manager of the team, only in his 40s and stood next but one to me, had lost a bollock to cancer 3 months previous.

      • A catholic priest was on television, he was praising one of his choir boys for saving his life.
        He said the choir boy had found a lump on one of his testicles.

  24. England’s management has been taking lessons off old Gerald.

    TV News: ‘Mr. Southagate… Why did you let three inexperienced imbeciles take the decisive penalties against Italy in a major final?’

    Southgate: ‘Because they are crap! I knew those useless fucks would miss!’

    Pure Ratner, that.

  25. I was at a wedding with a girlfriend and there was a little bloke sitting on the next table who bore a resemblance to a famous dude. I’d been chatting to the guy next to me for a while and said to him “Don’t you think that bloke looks like Ronnie Corbet?” His reply was “That’s my father-in-law, and yes, he does”

  26. I gotta say this was a very entertaining nom and comment thread.
    Never try to sell something you don’t truly believe in or fully understand. I once tried to sell “Manufactured Homes”. They are fucking trailers! Hated everything about them and the buyers were trash. Never sold even one. Quit after my boss asked me why I hadn’t sold one. They are pieces of shit that lose value worse than a car and who the fuck finances one for 30years at 14.9 percent? Do the math on that! Fuck those tornado targets!

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