It was Mrs B’s birthday last month, her birthday wish was a “Hot composter”.
I vaguely agreed and googled them at my leisure.

A “Hot Composter” seems to be an oversized beer cooler with a thermometer and an array of consumables that make the claim of “Free compost” very dubious.

Well fuck that for a game of soldiers, some tin sheets a bit of celotex and some second hand decking, a probe thermometer and voila a home made compost bin.

Chucked in a load of grass clippings some twigs and a nice 60C for about 4 days and the fucker splutters out.

So its time to start reading up on this shit.

I need to oxygenate the fucker, I can buy sacks of half composted shit for this or….practice golf balls.

So I empty the fucking thing and reload it with compost and golf balls.
Yes 60c for about 3 days and it splutters out. Moisture content to high (” good compost should have the feel of a squeezed sponge”) use drying medium…….. what the fuck is that?

Paper shreddings! by good fortune the office decided to clear out all the received purchase orders, so after shredding apx £160,000 worth of purchase orders I had my medium. (I note that this will make invoice queries over the next two years a little difficult, but it was not my decision to shred them).

So again hook all the shit out, create a raised lower bed of mesh, mix the compost with the “Drying medium” and repack the fucker complete with little golf balls.

Now back in the day I used to have 3 piles of shit in the garden, Ready, Getting there, and in use, that was my composting system and it worked quite well, anything to chunky in Ready would be delegated to in use and lets see if it survives another 2 years.

This “Modern” scientific process is a pain in the arse, it even suggests drying out items to be composted to judge the moisture content so that I can gauge adequate drying medium.

My friends composting can be a cunt.

Nominated by: lord benny(not quite deceased, but close) 

39 thoughts on “Compost

  1. Chuck in a few shovels of horse shit, that should get everything cooking 😂

    Alternatively, don’t B&Q sell the stuff in nice convenient bags 👍

  2. Fucking hell, between this and your ‘zodiac love life’ I’m beginning to wonder is there anything you actually look forward too 🤔

  3. Just invite some of the local effniks over to take a few dumps on your flower beds every day. A lot cheaper and simpler in the long run. Mind you it will probably kill the flowers.

    • Pick up a few bags off the side of the M25 or the kent lorry park, it’s full of beer from the drink driving truck drivers.

  4. Compost is excellent stuff.

    On Tuesday the lady on the allotment next to mine said she had some gooseberries stolen.

    I looked and someone has also pilfered some of mine. Fucking cunt.

    Last year my large bush (steady on) yielded 17kg, this year nearer 12kg.

    She said that a couple of weeks back a very friendly Eastern European gentlemen commented on her fruits, and now they’ve gone.

    Coincidence? Is nothing sacred anymore?

    • So someone is playing with your round hairy things and you are complaining?

      • Are you saying that if somebody came along, pulled them off the stem and walked away, you wouldn’t?

    • Willie,
      When a teenager my mum scolded me for eating all the gooseberries in the garden (do like them!)
      She had to apologise when she saw one of our german shepherds nicking them.
      I have redcurrants in the garden and the birds and hedgehogs strip the bush.
      Animals are theiving fuckers like eastern europeans.

      • 50 years ago we had a black Springer Spaniel /Labrador cross that took great delight in picking and eating the gooseberries in our garden.

      • We planted some gooseberry bushes a few years ago. After 3 years we got a single berry. I was forced to watch from a bedroom window as a magpie hopped across the lawn and fucked off with it.

  5. I see the Canadians have upended a statue of Queen Victoria.

    Turn those cunts into compost.

    • And a statue of the queen, just declare war on the cunts and bomb the bastards.

      What is it with all this getting twisted knickers over stuff that happened years ago.

      • But the cunts will happily endorse the new Chiggun George statue – a dead felon who was killed after attempting to purchase good with counterfeit money.

        This world is fucked.

  6. Great nom Lord Benny!
    However, you need to reflect on the illustration given by Admin!
    As you struggle to provide your next cauliflower, the only cunts to benefit will be the rich people who will perpetually reap the rewards from the earth’s enrichment for the benefit of their future generations.
    WTF am I talking about? IsAC has suddenly turned into an intellectual exercise.

  7. Just how much compost do you make,Lord B ?….and more importantly,what do you do with it all ?…..are you running a cannabis farm ?

    • Most suspicious. I didn’t get where I am today by making compost!

  8. Good compost is riddled with worms,
    Like Katie Price I imagine?

    • My brother got worms when he was small. Had a right laugh watching my mother picked them out of his arsehole with a pair of tweezers. I think the humiliation scarred him for life, ha ha.

      • Is this how you initially developed your voyeurism skills?
        Did you ask for a telescope for your 12th birthday?

      • Spot on Bertie. I was 12 at the time and my brother was 6.

        No telescope, but I do have a pair of binoculars at the ready on the 2nd floor windowsill, to watch the (often stunning) girls go by!

  9. “Stop moc “ is an anagram of compost.
    Compost is no more than muck.

  10. Compost:

    Layer of grass cuttings

    Layer of other green waste-even small woody stems, chopped up

    A layer of Sulphate of Ammonia or “Garrotta” compost maker

    Water well

    Pissing on it helps, too👍

    Commercially, green waste recycling shreds everything, then it gets turned every two weeks. 8 weeks from stable to bag.
    It’s a shit business, son.
    (©️Les McQueen, League of Gentlemen)

  11. Just scrape the nail of your forefinger around the back of your ear to win a nailfull of rich, lust compost.

  12. I run 2 compost bins. When one is full I let it fester for a bit, load the other fucker and spread the first fucker. The robins and blackbirds love me for the worms. Doesnt get much better than that. It’s the birds that matter. If you are worrying about the consistency of the compost then you are a cunt.

    Birds Lives Matter

  13. I’ve held back but it really just needs to be said…. buy organic from Waitrose and save yourself heartache, back break, and arseache!

    Fuck off!

    • Waitrose???? Bloody hell. Your grooms won’t muck out your private stable, is it?

      • Isnt all compost organic?
        Not rocket science.
        Veg & fruit peelings, scraps.
        Grass cuttings
        Horse shite
        Ours is just a mass of worms
        Turn it twice a year
        Rich “organic” compost
        For free.

  14. Three piles, or even two piles ( now, next year) or a black plastic dustbin with holes drilled in the bottom. Encourage woodlice etc (60C will kill them – the time to sterilise it is when it’s done). Keep moist, and use a spade to break up hard stems, lumps of matter etc.

    Do not cunt the compost. It is your friend.

  15. It’s fucking bullshit (no pun intended)
    When you watch these gardening shows on the telly their “home-made” compost looks just like what you would find if you tore open a gro-bag. i.e nice and crumbly.
    I tried doing it myself and after 3 years the grass cuttings and mounds of raked up leaves ,potato and carrot-peelings that I stuck in it are completely unchanged.
    What’s more , it fucking stinks, and one evening when I sneaked out to take a piss on it a toad leapt out of the fucking thing and pissed all over my bare feet.
    Fuck off and Good Night.

    • Leaven it with hedge-clippings and rotten wood, thoroughly mixed in. Like you it needs fibre or it becomes constipated. The toad suggests that it’s on the wrong side of damp, too. Or carry on as you are and enjoy your environmentally conscious wildlife refuge.

      ….says Capability Komodo.

  16. I bet Mr. Jess Phillips has a beautiful garden, as he has year round access to the best compost in the world – his wife’s constant stream of bullshit. I can see her now, knickers off as she squats on his Red Hot Poker (Kniphoia), and leaving deposits on his pansies

  17. Compost is it?
    Big bin with a lid, layer of soil, dump in any garden/kitchen waste, layer of soil – build up until full, drench with water and leave, topping up as necessary.
    Fill container with nettles, top up with water and leave to fester (jeeeeez, the stink!) – pour on compost once a week, compost laced with natural fertiliser and nutrients.
    Alan Titchmarsh, that’s me! 😀
    Pissing down in sunny Yorkshire – time for a wet bike ride!

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