What is only fans? (Like you pretend you don’t know already) it’s like Instagram only you pay to basically watch women get their tits out.

These talented young women make thousands doing anything you like for cash and making themselves rich. Now if sad people with more money than sense and women with no morals or future view to employment wish to do that fair enough.

Then there’s this:
For a mere £10,000 you can livestream a woman giving birth. Imagine explaining to your kid in a few years that when you were born there were strangers with a niche fetish were wanking online watching.

I think this is what Alan Turing really wanted for his invention

Nominated by: LazyBiscuits

71 thoughts on “Onlyfans

  1. Wanking to a birth. Fucking hell it’s the last thing I would want to watch.
    Give me thalidomide sex anyday.

    • Thalidomide sex may sound like an exciting fantasy, I imagine it isn’t in reality-“hands-on”, so to speak 🤔


  2. Simping is for losers and beta males wanking in their underpants. Real men marry and bring up their children. Iv got three daughters and five grand daughters. If one was doing this shit, iv failed.

    • Well said Smug 👍
      Although five grand a daughter is a bit steep.

      • Yez my friend, also I have many beautiful camel,very shapely.
        Pin up of the desert!
        I swap for daughter?
        We sit, talk, eat figs with hands not wiping arse,
        And do deal.

  3. Jesus on a bike! What sort of name is Briana Dejesus?

    With a name like that she can only be trailer trash, to use the seppo jargon.

    From seeing her children in that Sun article, it is clear that she is a wôg socket.

    I wonder if she will appear in the future on TV programmes with Katie Price. It can’t be too long until she emulates Katie Price in having a vagina that is wider than the Grand Canyon.

  4. Joke for today.


    A man sees a sign outside a house – ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’ He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

    The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

    “Do you really talk?” he asks the dog.

    “Yes,” the Labrador replies.

    After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, “So, tell me your story.”

    The Labrador looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years”.

    “But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals”.

    “Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I’ve just retired.”

    The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

    “Ten quid,” the owner says.

    “£10! But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?”

    “Because he’s a lying bastard… he’s never been out of the garden.”

  5. The bellends that send shitloads of money to these tarts as ‘top level members’ are even worse.

    They think they’ve actually got a real life relationship going with these slappers because they paid £500 for a one to one private video chat.

    Then, after giving some tart £15,000 or so over a year or so, and being a sad cunt backing up her every word on Arsebook/Twitter or whatever and moderating her YouTube chat for free, the tart does a stream showing off her engagement ring to some good looking bloke lol.

    Next, these plebs go into meltdown “How could you do this to me? I’ve always been there for you!”

    Fucking silly cunts.

    I don’t know the name for these blokes so I’ll just call them cunts. I predict though, that one day one of these tarts will get Fritzled by one of these nutters.

    • These are yanks arent they?
      Most of them are a bit puddled anyway.
      Im all for dirty birds showing us the goods as long as I don’t have to put my hand in my pocket.
      Any sadsack who does is either a) a lonely cunt who needs a bird
      B) a gullible twat with to much money
      C) a fantasist twat.
      Get shovelling fries in Wimpy you slags,
      Least have some dignity.

      • I bet you would have your haand in your pocket.
        You dorty fecker.

      • Hehehe hard to have my hand in my pocket when not wearing any trousers!
        The little scrubbers!❤️❤️

  6. I don’t do any social meeju. I know why when I read shite like this.

  7. There’s not enough free porn to look at?! FFS how much porn must you consume to need more than what is free? Maybe a feeling of belonging to an exclusive club of some kind?
    Fuck that!

    • In the good old days when I was born (1953) it was the exception rather than the rule for fathers to be present at the birth.

      My mother (a nurse) told me the last thing she wanted while giving birth was for my father to be anywhere near the room.

      He enjoyed a good night’s sleep at home while she was squeezing me out.

  8. Every time I see a comment on an article that says ‘OK, boomer’, I imagine they celebrate their winning the argument outright with that show stopping wit by signing up to one of these slags. It’s probably the closest they get to seeing a vag, because even if they found a bint down on their luck enough to resort to them, how are they going to smuggle them up to their bedroom without mum seeing.
    Fucking losers.

  9. For that kind of money you can hire the services of an impossibly beautiful Russian brass for a week.

    Even if you are a hideous gargoyle of a cunt, they will still pretend that they love sitting on your face and sucking on your hampton while you play the xbox.

    You have to be a really thick twat not to have figured that one out.

  10. New one on me but am neither surprised nor shocked by the depravity of t’interweb.

    • Paying to watch a birth?!!!
      Ive been there when mine was born, cut the cord etc
      They encouraged me too.
      The nurses and doctors.
      The miracle of childbirth!!
      Dont be kidded by that shite.
      Its fuckin rubbish.
      Unless your the type who wanks off watching Alien.

      • Loved it being at the birth of my two!
        I remember asking the rather attractive blonde gynecologist how soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?
        She winked at me and said, “I’m off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park.”

  11. Can’t find a link but I read the other week some yank spent $10k to visit a girl. His reward? A hug. Her reward the ability to travel around the world with her boyfriend. Some people clearly have more money than sense.

    • Daft fucker should’ve at least got his cock out and wanked on her the moment she opened the door, just to get some kind of value out of the ‘experience’.

      For 10 grand, I’d expect cunt on tap and slavery. Actually make that a tenner I’m a tight bastard.

  12. I’m selling tasteful photos of me bollock naked peeking coyly at the camera with only an extremely large fox’s brush to cover my “modesty”….only £20 a print if any of you Cunters want to give your wives a treat or female Cunters want to get those juices flowing.

    The Gays are not welcome to apply for this exclusive offer.

  13. I’m way too cheap to pay for this sort of thing. When there is ubiquitous, free internet porn I see know reason to divert beer tokens.

  14. Add it to the ISAC charity calendar.
    Spoke to admin and theyre all for it!
    You can be foxy February.
    Ive done my shot, but im massively endowed so I’m September-october.
    Bertie has done one with percy covering his modesty.

    • The staple holding the pages together’ll be enough to obscure your “endowment”.


      • ?!!!!
        Youve been peeping again!

        I undo that zip and its like a scene from Moby Dick!
        You can smell the sea

      • Are they using a professional photographer or your ‘Stockport Snooper’ photo from Crimestoppers, Miserable?.

  15. No, prefessional bloke!
    Wears a cravat and tight trousers.
    Reckons ive got what it takes for male modelling.
    Thing is LL ,
    I always drink the Coca-Cola he gives me but then I must drift off?
    And sometimes I wake up and my undercrackers are on back to front?

    • I went to my doctors recently for a health check, he said he needed a blood sample, a urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen sample, so I gave him my underpants!


    This vile bitch is due a massive cunting however i doubt you would publish it.
    See this is actually CHARLENE HART from Ipswich….

    Now google “Charlene Hart Scat” or “Skye Blu Pet Lover”

    Same chick but she was a lot younger when she was smearing herself with and eating shit aswell as suckin and fuckin dogs for the companies Zooskool and K9Dolls.

    Here is a years old thread from Digitalspy regarding her dog stuff and being besties with Jodie Marsh!!

      • Yeah it sure is and I have no idea how she was able :
        1. Get away with it without mass ridicule and shame.
        2. Still pose for every lads mag to this day.
        3. Be a regular in The Sunday Sport.
        4. Pose with Tv celebrities
        5. Become a spokesperson for WWE wrestling!
        6. Still get articles in national newspapers
        7. Date WWE wrestler Justin Gabriel aka PJ BLACK
        8 Become a regular on Babestation
        9. Become a world champion fitness model.
        10 appear on UK TV talking about DIET!

        When all you gotta do is google image this bitch to see countless pics of her covered in shit!!!
        Face surgery and a a heavy gym routine does not erase shit and dog jizz from the internet!

  17. Onlyfans?
    Rip off – I paid some bird called “Carrie” a fiver to see her huge ugly cunt and she sent me a photo of Boris Johnson..

    • Talking of rip offs, I have just seen a story headlined “Yorkshire dad ‘needs therapy’ after paying £54 for fish and chips in London”.

  18. I read about a vaguely similar site where women can sell a pair of their used knickers for £50. As a seller, you don’t have to show your face, just take a selfie of your body wearing some nice lingerie and bingo you’re in business. This could be a nice little extra income stream.

    • Cuntologist@ – 50 fkin quid? And not even clean or in my size? (Whatever my, er, size in ladies undergarments is – I wouldn’t have a clue like!)
      Four quid more and you can get fish and chips in London!
      50 quid you say? – I may start selling pictures of myself posing outside ‘t diphtheria clinic in just my string vest and baseball cap – this time next year..

      • Once when I was pushing out a really hard log after eating treacle cake the night before, I wondered why my rather hard arse egg was in strands, I then realised I had not pulled up my string vest fully,

    • I’d pay a million paand for a pair of your used knickers Cuntologist.

      • Ha ha, you can’t fool me, you don’t wear knickers! Then again, knowing your moonshine washing-line activities…

  19. Apologies for going off topic, but ITN mews needs a cunting for its lead story tonight.
    Cue woman standing in flat filming water coming thru the ceiling. Said woman complaining about council in Peckham and how things should have changed since Grenfell. shots of concerned reporter never heard of the cunt before. Guess what fellow cunters, es she was a black single mother trying to run a business. You couldn’t make it up!

    • Surely if more flats in Grenfell had had water pouring through the ceiling the outcome would of been much better?
      Just cant help these people can you?!

    • Fuckin’ hell, they just don’t have an ounce of enterprise about them, do they?
      I would have spotted the business opportunity it presented by bottling it as Peckham Spring Water.
      This time next year, she’d have been a millionaire.

    • Was david lammy doing the plumbing? Or was his friend in the house, after grenfell he must be running out of friends

      • I think Diane Abbot did the plumbing.

        She’s a bit short of cash at the mo, – so a bit of extra cash-in-hand work
        is helping her to make ends meet.

        Poor Diane doesn’t get any interviews these days, and since This Week with Brillo wound up, work is non existent.

        David Lammy did manage to get her a counterfeit Corgi certificate off a council estate in Tottenham for twenty quid. Bargain.

        Apparently, she’s a dab hand with a length of 22mm pipe and a roll of PTFE tape.

        Her soldering is allegedly second to none.

        Old Jezza is always on hand to nip down the Plumb Center if she’s running short on olives.

  20. Never heard of this pile of shit before. Thanks, Mr Lazy B for bringing me up to speed.

    Tuned into Sky Witness. An old CSI episode about adult babies is on. Adult babies are sad sicko cunts, Lib Dems mostly.

    • If a woman dresses up in a baby costume wearing a nappy and it gives me the horn does that make me a nonce? Answers on a postcard please..kier starmer house of commons sw1

  21. Onlyfans, its what Katy Price, Amanda Holden and loads of other sluts do all the time in effect, act like a cunt, have no dignity and do allsorts to chase the buck, degenerates are acceptable these days, but only total cunts make a full time career out of it….

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