Of Wives and Cats
Oh dear. What a pity. How sad. It is with great regret (not!) that I report to the IsAC community the sad demise of our moggie Gerald (or Fatfuck, as I referred to the twat when not within earshot of the wife).
For the life of me, I can’t see what attractions cats hold for we humans. Imagine a scruffy tabby lump with a chewed ear and a dodgy looking boss eye. For the last fifteen years, this cunt has loafed about the house as though he owned it, spending 90% of his time snoring, scratching, shitting in my flowerbeds or sniffing his pencil sharpener-like ring piece. (Sure you’re not talking about Fat Reg or some Dinghy Rider? – DA)
The rest of the time’s been spent eating me out of house and home while regarding me with profound contempt, not to mention running up a huge slate at the vet’s of late.
As far as I’m concerned it’s a case of fucking good riddance. Unfortunately, and inexplicably, the wife thinks that the sun shone out of his tea towel holder, and has been in pieces for the last three days.
All I hear is ‘look, there’s his little blanket’, or ‘he’d be *sob* having his tea now’. As an act of self-comfort and consolation, her thoughts have already turned to lining up the lardarse’s replacement, much to my extreme chagrin. ‘We could get another little tabby’, she pines. ‘What could we call him, do you think?’.
‘For fuck’s sake’, says I. ‘the fat bugger’s not cold in the skip yet, and you want to get another one in. Let’s get a goldfish in a bowl while we’re at it, so it’ll have something to watch and entertain itself with’.
Of course by now, regulars on here will know that I’m a hopeless case where my little minx is concerned; she can quite effortlessly wrap me around her little finger. ‘You… you heartless brute’, she whimpers, her luscious lower lip quivering as she sends a fat tear rolling down her cheek.
Basically it’s a hopeless cause. I’m licked before I start; I know it, she knows it. ‘Oh go on then’, I hear myself saying, ‘of course we can get a kitten’, and my reward is to see her face light up. ‘You’re nothing but a big softie really’ says she, and hugs me tightly.
So now she’s happily spending her time looking for a successor to the late (and as far as I’m concerned) unlamented Gerald.
Women. Couldn’t live without my little minx.
Pity I couldn’t say the same about cats.
Nominated by: Ron Knee
Never liked cats – arrogant bastards; aloof, lazy, entitled, ungrateful and generally just a bunch of meowing cunts!
But as you say, women seem to love them, worship them and basically push you down the ladder of importance.
Much prefer dogs. Cats can fucking do one for all I care!
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Cats….simply dog food in my books.
2
Get a dog.
Big un.
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Dogs provide good cover for your night time activities, Miserable.
“I’m just out walking the cat, officer” just doesn’t have the same authenticity.
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“Tea towel holder”.
Poetry Ron, poetry 👏👏👏
Hopefully, with Mrs Knee occupied with a new feline distraction, you can once more dedicate your precious time and energy to being IsAC’s man on the spot👍
There is a bothersome bi-racial couple that need an updated cunting , “a-la-Knee”.
🤔
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Thanks CG.
She’s still looking as I type. Having got the nod to get another of the little pissers, she’s taking her time; the longer the better as far as I’m concerned.
Mmm… who is this bothersome couple of whom you speak?
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The ones who have named their offspring “Lil’ bit o’chuggin”
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Ps: “cats rock!”
©️RTC
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It was “rule” actually, but who’s counting.
Good evensong General.
In the middle of cooking spag bol right now… xenophobic cunt, ain’t I.
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We had a goldfsh once when I was a lazy undergraduate. It froze to death in our flat.
Get a mouse Ron, they only live 3 years.
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It’s a thought Utter. problem is, once it snuffed it, the wife would only go on about getting another one anyway. That, and the fact that she just about wets her pants at the thought of the little bastards…
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Used to love cats; not keen on them now, prefer a dog. However, if you must get a cat, then you will fall in love with a British Blue.
https://www.thehappycatsite.com/british-blue-cats/
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Beautiful cats. I’d like one of those.
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I know cats aren’t welcome by lots of men, but not me.
I wouldn’t consider myself a cat lover per se, however, I’ve a fucking ace cat. He’s an old cunt now, 22, a tabby. I’ve had him from a kitten, and he has made me laugh all his life. He’s not needy, but very loyal. The cunt comes to find me in the pub, he knows when I’m leaving ( how the fuck does he know) and has everyone in hysterics in and out of the pub. He makes a bee line for people who don’t like cats,and the cunt sits on their knee, and after a short time, they announce that they actually like him, despite their fear/ dislike of cats in general. He’s a tough little cunt too, not scared of dogs or other cats, or indeed cars.
He’s now got his own bed and portrait in the pub now, the cunt.
When he eventually carks it, I will feel sad, but I won’t replace him, because he’s a one-off.
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That’s brilliant sir 👍
My mum had a black & white moggy who lived to the ripe old age of 25 plus (he was a rescue who’s age was estimated between 3-4 and she had him 23 years).
He used to come with us and the dogs for long walks-quite a sight: two large German shepherds and a moggy walking together👍
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CG@
We also had a cat that was mates with the dog,
Dog acted as a bodyguard!
Id get the lead and harness and the cat would go get the dog.
4
First cat I ever had I got when he was only just over 3 weeks old – mum croaked. Set the alarm for every 2 hours at first, to feed the little cunt.
Didn’t get him chopped, he was a rough, tough fighting mog that would fight any other tom that got too close.
Total softy when inside. Never once sprayed in the house.
Some miserable cunt shot him.
A very stylish feline!
0
I’ve always loved Pussies 🐈⬛
6
It had to happen…
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I bet admin were running a book.
I know I had to resist-don’t want to be TOO predictable 😂
(When putting this nom fit for publication it did cross my mind who would be the first cunt to crack a joke about pussies. Although surprisingly our resident puritan Fenton was way down my list of obvious choices, ha! – DA)
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Admin:
Which horse did you back?
👍
I’ll always back Cuntstable Cuntbubble when a depraved comment is in the offing – NA
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Cats are fucking vermin. Their owners are cunts.
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Shows what you know. Cats don’t have owners, they have staff.
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You’ll be hearing from my (and Willie’s) solicitors in the morning.
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He He.
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Do a Monty Python.
Get a bat, not a cat.
Choose carefully, and it might teach you Chinese…
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Silly bunt.
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I’ve also never liked the furry fuckers. My wife insisted on having one. It was cute as a kitten but now it has no redeeming features. My son is confused about its name and when the neighbour asked him he said , “Mum calls it ‘Poppy’ and my Dad calls it ‘Bugger off!'”
Years ago a bloke was in the newspaper after killing his neighbours cat. When the judge asked him why he did it, his reply was…
‘It used to come in my house and take the piss’.
Sums it up really.
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We all know you´re a softy Ron and hope the patter of tiny paws will echo through Knee Towers shortly. I´ve great sympathy for your wife as my Siamese has disappeared twice – once for about nine months – and most recently for about a month. We reckon these disappearances occur when he looks for a mate. He doesn´t seem to have much luck because when he turned up recently, his face was badly cut and fur was missing from one of his legs, presumably after an altercation with another randy cat or dog.
Cue for this: We are Siamese (If you please) – YouTube
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It’s not the patter of tiny paws I mind Mr P. It’s that initial pissing on the carpet period I can’t stand.
My daughter’s just as bad, if not worse, a real sucker for a sob story. When she lived in Galveston, she got a rescue cat, a poor little sod who was very unwell after being found living rough in Houston. Nursing him back to ( a precarious state of) health cost an arm and a leg. Then it cost another arm and a leg bringing him back to the UK, quarantine and what have you.
Did she learn? Did she fuck. When the little sod went to the great litter tray in the sky, she was straight round to the cat and dog home for another fucker, who’s about the size of a tiger cub (and with a bad attitude to boot).
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“My daughter’s just as bad”, for a moment I thought you meant she pissed on the carpet! Evening Ron.
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Blimey, I see what you mean! I could have put that better!
Evening Arfur.
1
Cats enjoy chicken and antifreeze.
Just the once though.
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Careful Rupert, there are lovers of Pussy here…..
You have been warned 😂
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kenneth Kuanda has died he was on my dead pool
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fuck it i missed him this time!!!!
1
Pick a dodgy w*g, wot do you expect?!!
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As a cat lover I have to disagree with this nom.
Cats are remarkable creatures. They are arrogant because they have good cause to be. They are considerably smarter than dumb fuck dogs whose intelligence consists of performing tricks and understanding certain basic commands – fetch, sit, walkies, etc.
Feline intelligence is on a much deeper level. They can think ahead, scheme and can be quite devious and manipulative. They are master tacticians. They are the most ruthless and effective hunting machines in nature. Efficient killers.
All this shows acute intelligence. It’s a fact that cats are the only animals that consider themselves as superior as humans – although I’m clueless as to how this has been verified.
Marvellous creatures.
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As for wives. Well there not that much different. Just as ruthless and scheming. Natural born man hunters. Ruthless killing machines with a devious tactical streak. They will take over your life in a minute and you won’t know what’s happened. In comparison men tend to be dumb fucks, only capable of obeying basic commands – handing over money, giving the woman whatever she wants, DIY, etc.
As a great 18th century female observer of the male species observed – “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be a dumb-fuck in want of a wife.”
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Ain’t that the truth. What I’ve never been able to fathom is why I’m so happy about it. It must be something to do with the exhausting supply of pussy.
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A woman’s greatest weapon is her pussy.
Mrs Slocombe knew this very well.
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👍👍👍
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Cats
Absolutely the most fantastic creatures on the planet.
“Way down deep, we’re motivated by the same urges- cats have the motivation to live by them”
“Cats choose us, we don’t motivate them”
“Time spent with cats is never wasted”
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this”
“Curiosity killed the cat”
“Cats have it all; admiration, an endless sleep and company only when they want it”
“A cat has absolute emotional honesty. Human beings, for one reason or another, may hide their feelings, but a cat does not”
“What greater gift than the love of a cat”?
Our fantastic cat was run over when just over a year old. Spent £3k on having him repaired (no insurance). Brought our family closer together. We still owe him.
Hardest thing to this day was when I had to have our last cat put to sleep after many years companionship.
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Yes. I have had to do this. It’s heartbreaking. Cats are fantastic companions.
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Seconded and thirded.
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Parasites in cat shit make you depressed and increases suicide rate. Hence why cat women are unbalanced. It’s true google it.
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Viz Comic’s ‘Man In The Pub’ lol!
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Might this be the appropriate place, as per Admin’s prediction, to insert some of my treasure trove of Mrs Slocombe pussy quotes? I’ve been waiting for a long time.
“You’re lucky to have me at all, Captain Peacock. I had to thaw me pussy out before I came. It had been out all night.”
‘Well if I’m not home at the stroke of 6, my pussy goes mad.”
‘Ooh, what about this fog? Oh my pussy’s been gasping all night.”
‘Can we get on? I’ve got to get home. If my pussy isn’t attended to by eight o’clock, I shall be stroking it for the rest of the evening.”
‘But at seven o’clock tonight my pussy’s expecting to see a friendly face.”
‘Mr Humphries, leave my pussy alone!”
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Can you imagine those cuntwuffles at the BBC making ‘Are You Being Served?’ now? The wokeflakes would shit themselves at the mere thought.
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Too true Ron.
Mrs Slocombe would be Mrs Rastas-Umbogo now.
And she wouldn’t be talking about her pussy. Instead she’d be complaining about structural racism and the Tory’s.
3
Yep.
We’d have Mzzzz Humphries, a very aggressive black lesbian, and a tranny Capt. Peacock.
And none of Mrs Slocombe’s pussy.
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In the interests of balance,
once you manage to ignore the round-faced, big-eyed resemblance to a human infant (which is how cats get a free lunch – love of a cat? Don’t make me laugh) cats are narcissistic, preening, supercilious cunts and about as welcome in my home as a human infant. To either, fuck off you mewling little monsters.
Dogs, OTOH, are superb companions, and as long as we’re talking half-sensible breeds, useful hunters and herders. They also have a sense of humour, unlike cats.
6
Cats have a sense of humour. Their laughing at us.
Superb little creatures.
5
Ron, we feel your pain. Having lost a beautiful, loving family member you are in a state of denial.
The only way to salve your grief is to acquire another adorable creature. I have four of the furry buggers; give me your address and I shall deliver them forthwith.
0
I much appreciate the offerGuzzi, but…
noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…!
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Some heartless cunts on here. Who wouldn’t love a fluffy puss?
It’s easy making friends with a dog, they want to be your friend, but if you manage to make friends with a cat you’ve achieved something, because they couldn’t give a shit one way or the other. My Kat was a rescue and was shunted around branches of the RSPCA for several months before I got her. She was so thrilled to be able to go out and explore. Now the good weather’s arrived she spends most of her time patrolling her territory and hasn’t been on my knee in weeks. But she makes up for it by climbing between my legs when I go to bed and spends the night with me.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIfcKy-VcXo
Have a listen!
3
Just brilliant Ron! I don’t know how you find them.
1
Got a new one today from the durian man in the botanical gardens
6 dollars, I took it from it’s mam’s tits
Came with me on a hike, well I carried it
that was five hours so plenty time to bond
he’s attacking my hand as I type. I will clip the points off his claws, which on kits are like scalpels.
love the little fucker
Need a dog too, cats and dogs are yin and yang
1
“he’s attacking my hand as I type” – that’s adorable!
Cats rule!
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He looks a bit like “moggie’s” picture, and eats a surprising amount of finely chopped eye fillet, nothing but the best for my kitty, then snuggled up to my cheek to sleep.
Just gotta teach him about dirtboxes
Otherwise Maisie will scream
Maids here think animals are dirty
1
I remember reading years back about some study or science cunt that found having a cat can reduce stress (depends on the cat I suppose!)
Summat to do with them being small, furry, their reactions to being stroked and the vibrating effect purring provides. Calms you down, lowers blood pressure or some shite.
I don’t mind the little fuckers to be honest. Low maintenance and clean compared to dogs. Ok, they don’t go fucking nuts when they see you like dogs, but most cats we’ve had show they’re pleased to see you in their own way (come over for a fussing etc)
Although a lot of their arse kidding revolves around getting what they want.
You’ll never have a rodent problem with a cat around too. Which makes me wonder why the gays like them.
Maybe they teach their cats to drop the rodents at their feet or in their beds?
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I made chicken and chips for me tea (that’s dinner for you southern chaps), cat was nowhere around, I just sat down and he appeared, they have a bloody sixth sense.
My cat lives in a hotel/restaurant with 24hour room service, he is really adorable when he jumps on my bed at 4.30 am to let me know it’s daybreak 😂
Love cats, humans can fuck off.
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Even though im more a dogger I like most animals,
Cats included.
But cats fucking love me?
Dunno if its the faint whiff of tuna I emit or catnip beard oil I use but most cats will come over to me,
Sometimes follow me.
Are they just friendly or are they taking the piss?
1
They are pure gold, if you have got what they want they are your best mate.
My little angel gets gunge in the corner of his eyes and indoors he will happily let me clean it out, outside in the garden no chance, he would rip claret stripes in my hand if I tried it 😂
3
My cat is now 17. She’s the best friend I’ve ever had. Wife refers to her as my second wife. Greets you when come in and in the morning, will try and make sure she’s in the same room and follows me around the house.
When I sit down in the evening, she jumps straight onto me, licks my nose a few times and enjoys a fuss and then settles on my lap for the rest of the evening.
Had cats and dogs before, but this one is very special. She shows the faithfulness of a dog and is very much loved by all of us. Thought last year I was going to lose her through illness and then realised how much it’s going to hurt. Now she’s better just try and spoil her a little more. She’s irreplaceable.
I sometimes prefer animals to humans. They are not false.
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