Alan Titchmarsh – A Gardener of Sorts (2)

The first programme that I remember him in, he was accompanied by a thick brickie and a ginger bird with big tits.

The years have not been good for the ginger bint. I saw her on the television recently and she is almost indistinguishable from one of those huge, hairy, ginger Highland cows. Almost the exact size and weight, but without the horns. Probably smells the same too.

The Titchmarsh cunt has also transformed himself.

He has a series called Love Your Garden where with just the help from a few dozen labourers, several tons of machinery and an unlimited budget, he somehow manages to change a shit hole garden into less of a shit hole garden.

But what really annoys me is the simpering way that he now acts. He has definitely got in touch with his feminine side and I fear that he may have caught The Gay.

His new whiney voice irritates the fuck out of me and there is not a programme where this sad excuse for a man is not drawn to tears. His producers should tell him to man up, grow a pair of bollocks and plant a fucking tree, but they don’t.

Instead they are now cashing in on his suspected poofiness and have given him two new ways of upsetting me with Love Your Weekend and some crap series where he minces around county houses.

Alan Titchmarsh. Gardener or uphill gardener (allegedly). You decide.

Nominated by: The Artful Cunter 

51 thoughts on “Alan Titchmarsh – A Gardener of Sorts (2)

  1. I saw his new publication “Grow Your Own Pansies”, with a foreword by Owen Jones, in the gay section of my local bookshop.
    That might be a clue.

  2. He went all gayness after doing a garden for that ole terrorist Nelson Mandela a few year ago.

    I can’t remember the details but I think the ground force team recreated the Robbin Island prison yard for the bugger.

    Titmarsh cried more than Mandela during the ‘unvieil’

    Moving stuff.

    Good Morning and fuck off.

  3. He’s a bummer alright. A mincing Uphill gardener without a barrow, shirt lifting away for all to see. Blatant poofery.

    • Alans suspiciously clean for a gardener?
      Its hard backbreaking graft yet the cunt hasnt a mark on his chino’s and not a hair out of place?
      Dont go near his potting shed!
      He’ll spike your drink with Baby Bio and plant his seeds in your compost hole.

      • He’s to busy for all that. His skirts bunched up, riding an old coke bottle , in said potting shed, until the cows come home.

      • Hes only a gardener in the sense that when he gets home of a evening he has a sore back and shit under his fingernails.

      • I think your under estimating the fella. After a hard days grind he gets home with a sore flu and a very large mud pie.

      • I suspect there are lots of stains on the inside of his Chinos.

        Various colours, – probably looks like a Kinder egg has been smudged into the inner stitching.

  4. He’s become a pansy.

    Old women adore him – the first sign of gayness.

    He’s written some kind of bodice ripper romantic novel – the second sign of gayness.

    He minces around the Royals and love to lick Prince Charles’s ring piece- the third sign of gayness.

    And he likes cock – the fourth sign of gayness.

  5. In all seriousness, Charlie Dimmock has had a rough life over the past several years – both her parents were killed in the Boxing Day tsuami some years ago, and she has had further personal unhappiness. I dread to think what might have happened to my son Mark, if me and the missus had been swept away like that – no dad to give him wise, kindly advice and no mum to tell him every plot – such as they are – in Emmerdale Farm when he phones home. I like Charlie,

    Titchmouse is another matter – a man desperate to broadcast (he clearly believed Noel Coward when he said that TV was for appearing ON, not looking AT) – the problem is Titchy has nothing to offer except a rictus grin and a very obsequious manner (did you see him on TV some years ago pissing off Prince Philip with his grovelling manner?).

    I can’t watch Love Your Garden – every poor bleeder in it is either a do-gooder or suffering from some terrible terminal illness. At least on Garden Rescue the customers are paying something. LYG is just a handful of gimme, a mouthful of much obliged and one of Titchy’s crying outbursts. The fact his girly voice sounds exactly the same as Jon Ashworth’s doesn’t help either.

    I long to see some healthy lazy bleeder on the show just say “Al, I can’t be arsed to dig my own plot, the old woman is indoors watching TV, I am out on the piss every night and I want a nice chavvy garden and I don’t want to pay a penny piece to get it”.

    Freddie, I think Titchy has a great future as Starmer’s gardener when Dame Keir retires shortly – he can watch Al milking the carnations, while he watches the pansies prance, having a red hot poker inserted in the back passageway, and Dame Keir will supply all the manure he needs, with plenty to spare. Keir likes soft girly men – he don’t look on them as anenome.

    That’s all the gardening puns I can think of – son be grateful.

    • For whatever reason my mind filled with memories of The Flowerpot Men, back in the seventies.

      I can envisage Dame Keir in one pot, Fat Reg in the other, and Tithead in the middle of both as Little Weed!

      Good grief what an appalling thought!

      • Thanks Technocunt you have now obliterated my find childhood memories of B&B. Ffs don’t start on Trumpton

      • How about Dame Keir as Andy Pandy with Lammy as Teddy and AnalEase as Looby Loo.

        Fancy Nancy’s coming to play…
        la la la la la laa……

      • Uttercunt, Dumpton (on YouTube) is a b. Good laugh.
        Agreed, Dimmock/Garden Rescue is much better, even the 2 hipsters are sort of bearable.
        As for redheads, Gabrielle in DIY-SOS is a cracker. My mastic plunger is always totally out of control when she appears…

    • Yes, completely in agreement with WC. Charlie seemed a nice girl and a real grafter. Back in the day TV scrubbed her up and gave her a makeover and she was an attractive girl.

      She has been through some serious shit in her life, and how many of us on here can say they still retain the matinee idol looks they enjoyed 25 years ago?

  6. I have to say that although Tichmarsh probably has the gayness, he’s a thousand times better than that other nonce, James Wong, who announced that gardening is racist. Wong needs a sharp kick up the ass from Rosa Klebb’s special shoes. What a cunt.

  7. Charlie Dimmock never had big tits, she just wore no bra and they flopped around a lot, which excited gentlemen of a certain age. She looks a bit rough now but as Alan is unlikely to go near her with his Titchytodger I would help her out round the back of the potting shed among the rakes and the hoes.
    But then i’ve always liked big birds especially big ginger birds.
    I’m quite keen on Orang Utans aswell.

    • I met her once in a garden centre in sevenoaks and she was rough as fuck, she was wearing Jeans and a dirty shirt and her tits were all flopping around, she would have made Dianne Abbott look attractive, and that is saying something

  8. Back in the day, when the BBC wasn’t quite the shitshow it is now, I remember watching a trailer for a forthcoming blockbuster documentary series on the history of Britain. There was I thinking “Wow, this looks fabulous, I definitely want to have a look at this”, until right at the end when it was unashamedly announced that the narrator was to be this weedy-voiced simpering homo.

    Not exactly Larry Olivier doing the World At War, is it?

    Talk about an instant turn off. Needless to say, I didn’t bother tuning in. Neither did millions of others apparently and I seem to remember it died on its arse.

    Only those fucking Beeb imbeciles could take something like that and completely fuck it high and dry before it even started, by employing a narrator with an equivalent level of presence and gravitas as Timmy fucking Mallett.

    A cunt employed by cunts.

    • The BBC can fuck anything up. Even for ardent football fans MOTD is unwatchable now. Leaving major slimeball, Linekunt, aside you have a constant stream of BAME and Wimminz pundits and constant showing of knee bending. They are total cunts.

  9. I heard the cunt on the classical music (most of it is shit music nowadays) wireless station on Sunday morning. I thought ‘what have they down to that tedious cunt Titchmash that used to present this programme? When did they replace him with this butch whispering woman?’ If course, they had not replaced him at all. He had replaced himself, with…his even more ghastly new self!! It was as if he had been possessed by the ghost of a feverish Fenella Fielding

    Also, he was the worst ever presenter of Gardner’s world. Geoff Hamilton was the best, and Monty Don was excellent. Titchmarsh should now fuck off but, unfortunately, we all know he has another twenty years or so to go. The cunt will probably have as long a career as Jimmy Young.

  10. Dimmock wasn’t that doable even when she was young. She had a touch of bumpkin about her like one of those toothless hobblydeehoys who ride quad bikes and can’t make a proper sentence. Even young she looked like she was allergic to shower and probably smelt of garlicked ham.

    • Smell can be important. I remember fancying the arse of a bird at work in my younger years (as did every other bloke at work). A Kelly Brook lookalike with even bigger knockers. Never got off with her, despite trying my best.

      Anyway, one morning she got in the lift with me. Guess what? She stank of donner kebab and chilli sauce. For some reason my infatuation with her ended right there.

      It obviously put me right off, as I no longer hung around in the bushes outside her house, with a pair of binoculars and my cock out.

      But Alan Tichtmarsch? Arse kissing Schofielder. When he visited Mandela’s mansion, he should’ve made a water feature of some dark key getting ‘necklaced’.

      Fuck off.

  11. I’m sure that he’ll emerge Philip Scofield style in all his lavender-scented glory before much longer..a wise career choice if you want to be employed by the BBC…..sooty-face is out,so it’s either get yer knob nipped and call yerself Hermoine or start bumming barely-legal boys amongst the begonias.

    • I don’t mind Charley Dimmock…she may well have the size,if not the grace,of a reversing bin-wagon with flat tyres but she always seems genuinely enthusiastic about whatever Barratt-box garden she is asked to “makeover”…. although I still wouldn’t fancy hearing her knees creaking as she lowered her undoubtedly untrimmed lady-garden onto my face.

  12. Personally think its all an act.

    I reckon he somehow went under operation yewtrees radar and now wants to come across like a faggut to further alay any suspicion.

    Charlie dimmock looks like the local crack mum turned grandmum. What the fuck happened there? Did her and nick knowles start going to the same become a fat cunt club?

    • I met her once in a garden centre in sevenoaks and she was rough as fuck, she was wearing Jeans and a dirty shirt and her tits were all flopping around, she would have made Dianne Abbott look attractive, and that is saying something

      • Her tits looked like a pair of fucking sad deflated balloons when she was younger let alone now.

        Imagine booking her and Dianne Abbott to run one of those double dominatrix sessions for a cunt you dont likes stag do

  13. I have to say that although Tichmarsh probably has the gayness, he’s a thousand times better than that other twirp , James Wong, who announced that gardening is racist. Wong needs a sharp kick up the ass from Rosa Klebb’s special shoes. What a cunt.

  14. What pissed me off about the simpering Titchmarsh on Ground Force was that the lazy cunt would yap non-stop but would never lift a finger to help the others.

    Of course he is affected by the Schofield disease; a man who talks non-stop in an effeminate voice, whose hair is always immaculate, never gets a speck of soil on his spotless clothes. All deadcgiveaways. I’m only surprised he didn’t try to bugger Tommy Walsh when he was bent over, laying the splash courses of a new brick wall.

  15. Titchy’s modelled himself on Alan Bennett for donkeys years now. Simpering his way through one show after another, as limp as a vicars handshake. “Ooh look love, I’ve designed this lovely garden for ye”. No you fucking haven’t. A team of designers did it for you you self aggrandising, boss eyed cretin.
    Oh by the way. My father was a professional gardener for over thirty years and he reckons titchmarsh was fucking clueless.

    • Seconded. Watch out for tv presenters like fraudmarch. They are ten a penny. If you look closely theres a pattern of:

      1) show hired expert
      2) expert tells presenter what to say
      3) presenter poses experts expertise as a question to expert
      4) expert affirms the presenter as if the presenter is also an expert and knows what they are talking about, not a cunt

      Nick Knowles did it to his sparky 45 times an episode on that dross diy program as well for instance, in reality the cunt probably couldnt change the batteries in his tv remote

  16. Titchmarsh needs to mince to Old Trafford – some of those filthy “supporters” have dared sully the pitch by walking on it!
    Dimmock could drag the plough..

    • Re. those fans who somehow managed to gain entry to a match where no fans were invited yesterday.

      You can take my freedom but you’ll never take my football club.

    • Wouldn’t need a plough. Just superglue some rake heads to her nipples and have her walk backwards with her shirt and support bra off, easily be at ground level

  17. I’ve never liked this smug arse-licker.
    The cunt’s clearly never held a spade in his life.
    Green fingered? More like brown fingered and tongued.

  18. Roy Lancaster was the most knowledgeable gardener on television-and a decent bloke, too.
    Believe it or not, Titchmarsh does hold the Mhort (RHS), qualification, so is a very well qualified and knowledgeable horticulturist.

    I once found myself at a social gathering with one of his fellow students from that course, who was a college lecturer.
    I will never forget what he said about Titch:

    “He was a big head then and he is an even bigger head, now.”
    👍

  19. At least he is white👍
    As is Monty Don.
    Make the most of it-I imagine the next presenter will be a black, lesbian wimminz😉

  20. Tommy Walsh hated him. He nearly banjoed the cunt over some building work in the last series of Ground Force – hence the escalation reported in Viz, “Titchmarsh closer to nuclear capability”. They alleged that he was building nuclear missiles in his potting shed. Hans Blix couldn’t get access because he had left the keys in his other trousers. In Iranian dictator style he said, “The streets of Basildon will run with the blood of the devil dog Tommy Walsh”.

    Charlie Dimmock is alright, bless her.

  21. The thick brickie and ginger bird with big tits were the best part of the programe. Tichmarsh was and still is a cunt.

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