Table Manners

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I´ve been more or less stuck with my 90-year-old mother-in-law over the last year because of covid and don´t know how much longer I can sit opposite her at the dinner table and watch her eat.

She has the appetite of a lion but eats at the pace of a snail so while I have finished and am desperate to leave the table, she´s still noshing away, with one eye on what´s coming next. She loves meat and chicken and chews away at the bones and legs like Henry VIII. This is usually followed by a salad dripping in olive oil that runs down her wrinkled old chin.

I literally shudder at times and am constantly leaving the table under the pretext of fetching salt or clearing dishes away. My wife has noticed this and I suspect knows why and forces me to stay.

Things weren´t so bad when I had a bottle of wine to help me through the meal but I have given up drinking for Lent and water or a fizzy drink doesn´t help at all.
(Can you spot the tactical error he made? – NA)

Nominated by: Mr Polly

53 thoughts on “Table Manners”

  1. Tell the Mother in Law that the evil Hun may bomb the house at any moment and she is safest eating in the Anderson shelter.
    Prior to this retire to the potting shed and make a large sign to hang outside saying “Anderson Shelter”.
    Push food in through door, do a runner shouting “we’ll take the risk of being bombed, no, we insist – your safety is the most important thing in the world” – and retire to the drawing room for a splendid unstressed repast followed by a brandy and victory cigar!
    Return to the potting shed next morning and say “all clear now”!
    Repeat as necessary!
    No need to thank me – you’re welcome! 😀👍

    • Once you have lured her to the shed, if she shows the slightest doubt you may be required to complete the charade by performing some abrupt and noisy percussion in the garden. With luck this may have the added benefit of scaring her to death

  2. I’m in the Ricky Gervais club, I can’t sit with ppl eating, chomping and slurping and scrapping their plates, or sniffing or raking their hooter out with a tissue like they’re digging for gold up there…snot curdling cunts

    • That makes me think of the Red Dwarf episode, Quarantine, when Kryton goes off on one, ” a seascape? An undiscovered Picasso? ”

      Happy days.

  3. Lots of local anesthetic required, a nice Glenmorange works for me, I used to work with this cunt, I had to stagger my lunch break in the end so I didn’t have to watch the food going around in his mouth like a fucking washing machine.
    Blame the fucking parents for allowing this pig to even sit at the table, without teaching any manners, he needed a fucking trough..
    KFC table manners, used to a bucket full of chicken bits you see

  4. Try mixing arsenic in with her food – it’s odourless, colourless and tasteless, and the symptoms of a single large dose mimics bad, fatal food poisoning. Hope that helps.

    • Have you had that knock at the door regarding your mother in law’s disappearance yet?
      ☺️
      Evening Ruff.

      • Evening Bertie.

        She’s disappeared? Chance would be a fine thing! 😄

        Thanks to lockdown, I haven’t seen her since Christmas.

      • Oooo! That doesn’t sound good. I think the forensic teams will be doing a little digging around your way soon.
        😊

  5. I once worked with a cunt and he was a cunt, who would put his teeth in his pocket and eat a meat and potato pie between 2 rounds of bread.

  6. All old cunts that I know eat like Velociraptors and are obsessed with meat with everything…and fucking gravy…if a meal doesn’t have fucking meat and gravy it’s not worth looking at.

    I dread getting a text to procure my mother in law “a fish” when on the way home from work..does she want chips I ask? just a few please is the answer.

    She then eats it like she’s never been fed in all her 86 years and if you don’t keep your hands a feet clear I swear they would go too.

    In short, all old cunts eat like fucking hungry sharks.

    • I’ve noticed when they stop the feeding frenzy on roast lamb, peas, gravy and mash, they go downhill rather quickly

      • It’s one of my pet hates, people who make noises when they eat and drink. My old fella was the dirtiest pig you could imagine, no regard for other people and no self respect. It’s even worse when you hear a woman do it. Juno Temple used to get me really horny until I heard her slurping in ‘Magic Magic’.

      • I swear, they even have gravy on Pizza and Pasta…and for dessert, something quite special…gravy crumble.

        1..Gravy and meat
        2..Batter Puddings and Roasstsssss
        3..Fish N Chips with stinky peas (yuck)
        4..That tinned stewing steak
        5..Warburtons blando bread with “potted beef”

        Fucking horrible.

      • Spanky that is a true dossier of horror, may I add 6. Broccoli stewed to mush in its grey juice, erm, with gravy.

    • Evening 🙂

      I forgot to mention the lard and using marg instead of fake butter.

      Blerghhhhhh

  7. Poison. Rat poison. That’s the answer.
    In other news fucking huge boom heard all across the West Country this afternoon from Dorset through Devon, Somerset and Gloucester. Perhaps it’s the advance party of an invasion, let’s fucking hope so.

      • Table manners are overrated and a bit prissy.
        I eat ravenously, im haven’t time to fuck about.
        No dawdling or fannying out,
        Suck the bones clean, lick the plate clean, done.
        If your offended by your mother-in-law and her manners,
        Out-repulse her.
        Sit at the table in your undercrackers, burp, fart, laugh,
        Flick food in her hair.
        Shell soon stop that shite.

    • New special brew isn’t the same. Cunting Europe and their tax/strength police, or is it the uk? Either way , another fave down the shitter. Christ, how are we to manage this shite without proper anaesthetic?

  9. Just hope that she snuffs it before she loses the ability to wipe her own arse.
    Pass the gravy boat.
    Good evening.

  12. This nom made me spit out my cider. Sacrilege! Well nominated however, Bravo!

  13. Old people can be cunts at meal times, it is true. They sometimes smack their lips and have difficulty chewing properly. They often drool and belch and even, on occasion, fart. Guzzling and slurping is common. On Sundays, all of this is often followed by an afternoon snoring on the sofa.

    Let them be, I say. They have done their bit. I cannot support this disrespectful nom.

    • Seconded Twenty.
      At 90 she can do whatever she wants.
      Eat pea soup in her knickers for all I care.
      If you havent got gravy dripping from your eyebrows its not a meal.
      I sometimes wring out my beard in a mug and pour boiling water on it.
      Lovely, like Bovril.👍

    • I agree. Let her enjoy her meal in peace. She might not have many left.

  14. If you think you mother in law has bad manners you should try dining in China.

    I once attended a meal in China where one of the guests, an important local official, spent the meal hawking and gobbling large gobs of spit and flem on the restaurant wall. Made me feel sick and I couldn’t eat a thing. Even my wife, whose Chinese, was shocked.

    • This is true, it’s very much a cultural thing in China. I think they see gobbing as a sign of masculinity or something like that. It’s not unusual to see a Chinky tourist in central Londonstabistan pull up a big noisy greenie and flob it about ten yards.
      The dirty fucking bastards.

      • Don’t worry the Chinks are always in a war with nazis because the bastards are them.

  15. 90 and her chin covered in olive oil? Invite Emmanuel Macron around for dinner! He’ll whisk this teasing, cheeky, young minx straight back to France as the new first lady!

  16. Fark she’s 90. Well done that Cunt for reaching the 9th decade on the equivalent of a KFC mulching finger licking good diet. Betcha wifey won’t have the heart to send her home after Covid goes away neither so it sucks to suck as my teen says. The older teen is a cunt at dinner time here. Sits down briefly, fat shames his brother then fucks of to his room to munch on Red Bull and chips. A mini Trump that one. Cunt.

  17. I worked with an alcoholic Jock, he arrived at work and pulled s plastic bag out full of what looked like puke. Ochoa its mince and patties, going to microwave it…..fucking cunt was he. And is name was Ludovic.

  18. I like to eat with the best manners and etiquette I can muster and after the others feel at ease that I am above average proper, I rip a fart so loud that it sounds like Trombone solo.
    Then immediately say, “My compliments to the chef!”

  19. Put your fucking phone away is a pre requisite in my house or you can leave.

  20. My mother-in-law is noisy as fuck with soup. Sucks it from the spoon and it sounds like it’s being sucked up a straw. The wife and me daren’t make eye contact or we start laughing.

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