Chris Penelope – Farting Miracles

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Chris Penelope is a cunt, isn’t he.

A pastor from South Africa has found a new method of making money, I mean, a new method of making miracles. He sits on people’s heads and farts.

He reckons he just has to break wind on their heads, near their nostrils, to release the holy spirit. This can heal their problems as well. Apparently there are plenty of people queueing wanting to receive his bottom belch and be redeemed. If you can’t meet him in person you can purchase the magic gas in containers for a hefty fee.

Logic has definitely taken a holiday with these church-goers.

Anointed by a charlatan’s flatulence. Let’s hope he doesn’t follow through on these credulous halfwits.

https://www.dailysun.co.za/News/pastor-i-dont-fart-i-heal-20200209-6

Nominated by: Captain Magnanimous

44 thoughts on “Chris Penelope – Farting Miracles”

  1. Not sure I can fully endorse this cunting as this man clearly has a sense of humour, can read his flock well and has spied a great money making opportunity.

    OK, as a supposed holy man, he is a bit of a cunt in taking advantage of the simple-minded savages who eagerly attend his gatherings just to have him guff on their head.

    Selling bottled farts, though. A money- making venture that Philip Green would be wanking himself over, so fair play.

    Good cunting, Capt.

  2. What a brilliant newspaper!! I can’t wait to hear more about Queen Mantfombi Diamini-Zulu.
    Can I get it delivered?

    Zulus to the south west Sir ……… thousands of ‘em.

    • Farter, why have you forsaken me?

      Zulus benefit from a good guff to the face, if you piss on them it cures epilepsy.
      Michael Caine told me that.
      And they can live 2 days if you cut off their head.
      Did you know your never 10ft away from a zulu?
      Or is that rats?
      No, its Zulus.

  3. I smell a comedian here (pun intended). I get the feeling this is a big wind up.

    But then again, the world has gone mad.

    Very funny. Parp!

  4. God previously chose to incarnate as a man. It seems appropriate to the spirit of the present degraded age that the Holy Spirit should chose to incarnate in the fetid guts of a dark key as a series of bubbling, smelly farts. Maybe it’s God that’s having a laugh and telling us what he thinks of the present Age of Cunts?

    Regardless, this guy is clearly into a good thing. Maybe the Archbishop of Cunterbury should try the same thing. Might reverse the fortunes of the CofE.

  5. This is simply excellent.
    If any confirmation at all was needed that these cunts are closer to baboons than humans here it is.
    What a beauty.
    Toothache? I’m a pastor,I can cure that by taking a dump in your mouth.
    Cash only.

  6. “And the lord said, ‘Pull my finger'”. 😀

    This nomination is hilarious. Much needed with all this covid bullocks going on 🙂

    Dog bless you, Captain M. 🙂

  7. Don’t know about any Holy connections but I LOVE dropping a colossal fart in shops and then watching other people walk into it….get a lung full of Covid from that baby.

    I also love taking a really smelly turd at the shared office and then watching other people go in there, I even close the window to ensure maximum smellage.

    If I could get paid to fart on people I would give up contracting tomorrow.

    • People love the smell of others farts, I’ve even seen people in Morrisons go back for another sniff.

      Get them farts smelt.

  9. Hahahaha….no stop please it just gets more comical. How much thicker can these African cunts get? It confirms my belief that we need to build a huge fucking barrier between Europe and Africa. Metal,concrete, force field..anything just keep these retards out of the western world.

  10. Fucking god botherers. Wonder if he has to eat a massive curry before his services?

    I had the misfortune to be raised Catholic and have worked in both Lutheran and Catholic schools but I am unaware of any stories in the Bible about holy guffs. And I’ve read the Koran from cover to cover and even Mo – who allegedly had a direct line to the Creator of the Universe – didn’t say anything about healing with farts. Camel urine yes, farts no.

    Been working on a post about the mad shenanigans in Batley. Will try to upload tomorrow.

    • @smugcunt
      Really ? Pass me, I say pass me ma elephant gun, boy, I’m a goin’ a prospectin !!! ‘
      Good morning.

  13. And why not? Makes as much sense as bobbing your head up and down, kneeling on a mat, eating biscuits or endlessly muttering hail mary’s.

    Guff. Parp.

    • How does the Church of the Inappropriate Horn feel about flatulence based medicine?

      • Mike, as you should know that particular sect is where RTC worships. You are straying close to libellous again.

  14. It can’t be easy living just on roast dinners, boiled eggs and cabbage water.
    Doesn’t COVID live up your arse?

  15. He’s a cunt alright, but the bigger cunts are anyone who takes the cunt seriously.

  16. Good luck to the bloke if he’s getting gullible idiots to hand over cash for a face full of holy methane.
    If he follows through maybe the face of Christ appears…😁

  17. What if the reverend has a rather spicy curry the night before and let’s RIP and follows through and its rather runny? Well a couple of things maybe, it would keep the flies from crawling all over his face and you would see any difference in skin colour, only a putrid smell, but I think the flys are used to stinky bleks

  18. Praise Jesus! Praise the Lord!

    Hallelujah! * brap * This man is clean.

  19. Imagine trying to sell that idea on Dragon’s Den!?

    And this bloke’s idea is no more cranky than that Gwyneth Paltrow bint, who sells candles made from her cunt juices, or sommat

  20. ” Our Farter,
    Who art in South Africa ………………………. ”

    Gullibility is global.
    There’s daft cunts everywhere.
    Anyone parking their face underneath my arsehole, this bright and cheery morn’, would have had a very nasty shock.
    Feel much better now.
    Gertcha !!

    • They will be wearing masks next, cunts.

      Good morning, Jack. Good morning, everyone.

  21. The Prophet Muhammad (piss on him) reckoned that drinking camel’s piss was good for one’s health so I guess this guy is just following in his footsteps.

    By the way…

    What do you call a peaceful with a camel and a goat?

    Bisexual. 😀

  22. Now we know where that Copper Chauvin went wrong: he should have sat on Chiggun George’s face😏

  23. What a fantastic post.

    Morning brethren, today I am going to teach you the seven deadly sins.
    Voice from the pews..Make that eight you filthy bastard.

    I’ve brought along my microphone to amplify my party trick later.

  25. Some cunts will believe any old shit. Literally.

    At first glance I thought it was Trevor Nelson giving a lucky fan a taste of his new release.

  26. This flatulence-filled fucker is old news I’m sorry to say.
    He only offers a fart while I offer the Platinum Plated service of a follow through straight on your face.
    However Shits of Salvation don’t come cheap you know so pm me for a full price list with your bank details and credit card number.
    So just remember folks, “HEAVEN WILL BE YOUR PLACE WITH ONE OF MY HOLY TURDS ON YOUR FACE!”.
    I also take bitcoin.
    Cheers.

  27. This type of creature loves shit, after all their best and one and only invention is Jenkum.!

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