Pizza [3]

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Is there anywhere on earth to escape from this globalized melted cheese horror that harasses you like a stalker?

The first time I heard any reference to one was in an American television program in the 1960s when it was called “pizza pie”.
It has since spread like a plague and you cannot go anywhere without it being shoved in your face in takeaways, bars, cafes, restaurants and “pizzarias”. Even supermarkets sell disgusting frozen versions.

I´ve sampled pizzas all over the world, including in Italy, and with few exceptions have gagged and choked on an indigestible mix of ingredients that have blended as easily as the Israelis and the Palestinians.

One of the reasons for its ubiquity is the massive profit margin it brings. Throw in a few bits of mousetrap cheese, some scraps of leftover tomato and onion, sprinkle any old stuff on it – sardines, anchovies, salami, herbs that have been sitting on the shelf for decades after their expiry date – give it a fancy Italian name and charge a fortune.
Molto grazie sucker!

Nominated by: Mr Polly

85 thoughts on “Pizza [3]”

  1. Not my favourite but it’s ok.
    Tunas ok on pizza!
    Like chewing Jess philips knickers!
    Phwoarrrr!!!💪🤢😀

      • My first pizza supper..

        Dundee,
        mid December,
        mid 80s,
        Drunk,
        Miserable fucking night,
        Bitterly fucking cold,
        I need food, hot food, I slouch towards a chippy to be satiated..
        I look at the offerings…Pizza?…Pizza sounds…interesting?

        And so I ended up with one pizza supper, comprising one of ‘Wullie Low’s’ finest 30p cheapo 10″ pizzas, and real not-precut-frozen-shit-out-of-a-bag chips (and, back when you didn’t have to specify ‘large’ to get a decent amount of the fucking things) all lovingly deep fried in some sort of animal fat.

        This gastronomic delight was purchased from the chippie on the left hand side at the start of the Perth road heading away from the centre (the chippie on the other side of the road, owned by the same people did ‘posh’ pizza suppers…that is, ones with microwaved pizza, but at that point I did not know that.)

        Was it greasy? Oh Yes…greasier than your average SNP politician…

        Was it a Heart attack in a bag? Too fucking right…

        Was it…Delicious? No, not quite, but then, culinary finesse is not quite the point of the exercise.

        As fuel for the mile and a bit mid-winter drunken shamble back to the digs nothing beat the bugger…

        And, a hidden bonus, the hot greasy pizza also made for a bloody good edible impromptu hand warmer…

        That was my first…the gateway pizza, I was hooked, in my cups I even ventured inebriated into darkest Lochee (not a wise thing to do back then, especially not being a native) to sample the battered deep fried ones that only one chippie in the area did at that time.

        Alcohol, eh? Amazing what large amounts of the stuff does to your sense of taste when it comes to oh so many fucking things.

  2. An ex-girlfriend’s grandma once told me a story of how she served a pizza up for family dinner way back when, at which point her old boy grasped it by the crust and threw it frisbee-style into the dining room wall.

    Ironically this was in Africa, home of the original “starving children (who) would have eaten that”.

    Shame I never met him, he sounded like a right laugh.

    • When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie,
      Thats amoure!!!
      Sang Dean Martin, and he was Rat-pack,
      Knew the crack!
      Valentine’s tomorrow, treat you fair ladies to a pizza🍕

  3. After decades of chinky ones, we now have two English chippys in our vicinity. Both are family businesses and both are very good. Any shop with polite and friendly white and British staff is a rarity in itself. But two of them and two fish and chip shops at that? I hear that Twilight Zone music every time I go in.

    It’s also a lovely change from all those Parkin Stannit run pizza places, Maccy Fuckin Dees, and those fried chiggun dumps that our dark friends are so fond of. And that’s another thing… You never see an Italian pizza take away. They are always of a peaceful persuasion. That alone puts me right off.

    • Norman@
      You been that chippy in Prestwich with the massive mural on the side of Mark E Smith?

      • I have, MNC.And it’s not a bad chippy either. Everything else in Prestwich is now ‘Turkish’ (well, that’s what they say they are).

      • I live in Prestwich and that’s a decent chippy. Pies shipped in from Lancs. Some twat has sprayed graffiti on the Mark E Smith mural but it’s mostly intact. Chips at no. 8 Small world but I wouldn’t want to paint it as they say.

    • We have a kebab place run by some Greek folks where I live. Decent lads and the food is good for the price.

  4. You should try and develop your rather parochial palate,Mr.Polly. I am,of course, rather more sophisticated and can appreciate some of that “foreign muck”…we can’t all live on mince ‘n’ tatties and shortbread,you know…some of us crave the more exotic…perhaps you could begin your education with a deep-fried Hawaiian pizza from your local chip-shop.

    You will never reach my level of Epicurean elegance but remember…. The longest journey starts with a single step.

    • Dear Fiddler, I spent several years in the land of the Saxons and recall with distaste the horrible food you English ate. “Streaky” bacon that was solidified Flabbott ham hock and bore no comparison to our tender Ayrshire bacon. Roast beef and Yorkshire pudding – stringy shoe leather masquerading as meat and a suety soapy concoction that was presumably your idea of pastry. Contrast that with a Scottish steak pie made in an ashet pan and topped with airy flaky pastry, a gift to us from our dear friends, the French, in the days of the Auld Alliance. Probably worst of all was your fish and chips. Bottom feeding flounders that our cats would refuse and chips dripping in diesel oil. Compare that with Scottish haddock, the flesh as white and tender as Gemma Atherton´s adolescent thighs and chips made from Ayrshire spuds, as firm and tasty as Gemma Atherton´s mature thighs.

      • I will admit that I never miss the chance of going to a butcher’s if I’m up on the Scottish side of the Border…every little village seems to have one…usually make their own sausages and pies which are,invariably,better than I can get down here.

        Evening,Mr.P.

      • Evening Dick,
        When we were talking about last meals on Death Row the other day,
        What would be your last meal?
        Im going for my old grannys ‘tater hash’.

      • I had a fray bentos yeaterday. It was a staple of the cupboard when I was younger.

    • Evening Dick, I didn’t realise pizza fell in to the ‘exotic’ category. I suppose out there in the country side you’re suitably distanced from the average takeaway. What always perplexes me, is how these pizza places are generally run by our Asian friends and not by the generic Italian bloke you’d expect.

      • I am a long way from any takeaways..30 odd miles. Still get the odd McDonald’s bag’s in the dykebacks though…boils my piss people chucking their rubbish out of their car windows….I’d happily horse-whip every fucking one of them.

        Evening,Elc.

      • I can sympathise, often when out walking in the middle of nowhere I wonder how those brown paper McDonald’s bags manage to make their way 20 odd miles from civilization. Scruffy little mongrels they are.

      • Find a local Maccy Dee’s, KFC or whatever, look in the bushes downwind, particularly in Winter when the greenery has died back; what do you see? A fucking million blue vinyl disposable gloves that’s what!

  5. Not quite a pizza but the yanks and Pie, various programmes talk about pie, everybody like pie, would you like some pie……

    Well what kind of fucking Pie, I like apple pie but it doesn’t mean I automatically like other kinds of Pie…. fucking Yanks!

    I like Pizza occasionally, ham with black olives or pepperoni

    • Too right Sicky,
      Fuckin yanks.
      Confusing people about pies,
      Calling crisps chips,
      The dozy cunts.
      Speak proper.

      • Have you ever found out what a Yankee-doodle biscuit is? Fucked if I know.
        Hominy grits probably, whatever the fuck that is.

      • The funniest thing I encountered in the good old USA was in a supermarket, I asked one of the shelf stacking girls if they had cling film, she looked at my like I had just beamed down from Mars and had no idea what I was on about, babbled something about Kodak 😂 (I later found out they call the stuff ‘Surround Wrap) but I eventually found some after searching on my own and guess what was written on the box in big letters… Clingfilm 😂😂😂

      • @IY….. Ah , maybe I misheard, I can’t remember the trade name of the one I found just the fact it had ClingFilm written on the box. 👍

    • Yanks don’t understand how to distinguish between a pie and a tart.

      It’s a national disgrace.

  6. Pizza is often shite. I like very thin crust and plain Margerita. The more shite you put on the worse it gets. In Halifax (Royston Vasey) they sell Keema Pizza for fuck sake. Frozen base topped with halal mince of very dubious origin. Revolting but the same shop will also sell burgers, kebabs, curries and the worse fish and chips in the world.

  7. Anything sold as pizza outside of Italy shouldn’t really be called pizza.

    I’ve eaten pizza in many restaurants in Italy. All wonderful. Simply wonderful.

    I’ve also eaten pizza in France, Germany, Austria, Canada, US and of course the UK. A mixed bag. Some decent, some not that great. I only know the difference because of the time I spent in Italy.

    True pizza aficionados will know there’s no such thing as ‘thin crust’ or ‘deep dish’ or stuffed crust. These are just wank invented by cunts to be different. The size might vary, but in Italy pizza is just pizza.

    Once had a cheese and garlic pizza washed down with several Moretti beers at a restaurant overlooking Lake Garda in northern Italy. The Itai bint I was with was clinically insane and an absolute nightmare, but the food, beer and scenery were ace.

    • IY@
      Bet in New York, little Italy etc you could get a fair one?
      Lad said to me, the bacon in America was rubbish,
      And so was the ‘English Fish & Chips’.
      But the hot dogs were mustard!😀

      • MNC: You are correct sir!

        American bacon = streaky strips of bacon flavoured fat. Little to no meat, just fat. It’s like what we would call streaky bacon, but with even less actual meat in it. It’s awful. Just the look of it makes me want to vom.

        When Americans do fish and chips, they often get 2 fundamentals wrong. First, the chips will often be French fries. Second, instead of one large piece of battered fish, they’ll serve 2 or 3 smaller pieces which will be mostly batter. Often over cooked too. Proper chips can sometimes be had, but they’ll be called Steak Fries or sometimes Home Fries. Yanks eh?

        Yank Little Italys might serve half decent pizza, made by Italian Americans no less. The problem is they’ll use local flour and water for the crust. Not Italian flour or water. So not the same. Plus the toppings will be local too. A fine attempt I’m sure, but you can’t beat the real thing.

        I loved pizza before I ever went to Italy. After eating pizza in Italy, I realised how shit everything else was. It really is amazingly good.

        Hot dogs and mustard should never be combined. No no no. Mustard is the work of the devil. Same with that devil’s spunk called mayonnaise. Laws should be passed.

      • Best pizza I have had was in a Piano Bar in Greenwich village, can’t remember the name, Artuios of something like that but it was just round the corner from the Red Lion 👍

        Having said that I am not a connoisseur of Pizza 😂

    • Were the German and Austrian ones made by Dr Oetker with ‘Ristorante’ on the cardbord box?

      That veers into the territory I call ‘cyber-food’.

  9. What’s-a matter you? Hey! Gotta no respect
    What-a you think you do?
    Why you look-a so sad?
    It’s-a not so bad,
    it’s-a nice-a place
    Ah shaddap-a you face! 🍕

    🙂

    • That shit kept Ultravox’s Vienna from reaching No.1. For shame.

      Joe Dolce needs to fall down a well for crimes against the singles chart. Cunt.

      • It means nothing to me IY 😁

        Seriously though that’s a shame as Vienna is a good song.

  10. The pizza I had delivered a few weeks ago looked like a giant dog biscuit that they had got several tramps to jizz over before toasting it to perfection on a bonfire. Binned it. Cunts.

    • Mr Polly, you’ve sampled pizzas all over the world? You’re a braver man than me. I can’t even stand the smell. I’ve tasted it twice and if there was nothing else to eat I’d probably die of starvation.

  11. My favourite brand is ‘Sister Dolly’s’ deep Pan. It’s made by Spooningtons, a small company based in Wales. It only comes as a three cheese feast. The identical product is sold as Welsh Rarebit in the Welsh principality.

    • Bertie@
      If you’ve never tried Spoonington welsh pizza youve never tasted pizza have you?
      Forget Italy,
      Snowdonia!
      The welsh Alps is home to pizza.

  12. If you have ever tried pizza 🍕 from a Pizzeria in a little mountain village in Italy you may have a different opinion, I have and it’s quite a different beast altogether. I wouldn’t touch dominos or any of that stodgy shit but the nearest to the real thing here is Pizza Express, more expensive pound for pound but like everything else you get what you pay for. Never mind the Pizza markup either, If you want to see takeaway food profit margins go nuclear look to Chinky grub, rice and veg indeed.

    All of a sudden I fancy Pizza, a trip to Italy seems a bit out of the question these days, bah! 👺

    • Concur. It’s the only pizza I’ve ever had where I wanted more and it didn’t feel like there was shite boiling in my stomach. Overlooking a mountain stream passing by the restaurant, with fine wine and fine Italian waitresses.

      Takeaway style pizza is utter rank. You realize how shit our cuisine is after visiting Italy. No wonder we’re all disgusting fat bodies here.

      • Bingo 👍

        I didn’t get the mountain stream views at this particular place but the owner was a friend of a friend, liked his motorbikes and was a bit of a drunkard. Sitting in the courtyard at night eating real pizza with a decent wine and listening to the crickets singing away was bliss. Unfortunately the night before we were due to come home when we went again it was spitting with rain and overcast but we couldn’t sit in the courtyard. The owner sincerely assured us but with a great exaggerated fashion a couple of nights earlier a spider 🕷 was abseiling down and stealing food off the peoples plates. His remedy to this was to try and dispatch said high hanging spider with a lit newspaper and he burnt down 90% of the bamboo and reed awning/gazebo 😂

        Happy simpler times 😢

  13. Did somebody say….”Just Eat”?

    Get fucked with all that foreign muck that gets delivered to your door by some greasy yidd in a ‘x’ registered Toyota Corolla.

    Pizza…..just why would you put yourself through the agony of chewing a cardboard like substance, that some Abdul has probably topped off with his very own smegma variety of cheese?

  14. Harassed by pizza??? The mind boggles.

    Quite the opposite in my case – not seen hide nor hair of anything pizza related for over 5 years when I ceased sticking the little frozen fuckers in the oven of an evening when I couldn’t be arsed to cook something vaguely nutritious.

    That said, I’ve had some wonderful pizzas over the decades, especially in the ’70s & ’80s when an ex who really knew her stuff prepared and cooked them with fresh ingredients from scratch, including the dough, spiffing!

    Also had a rather scrummy one during a visit to London once, I seem to recall.

    Anyway, ta for the mammaries Mr Polly, much appreciated. 👍

  15. Home made pizza (including the base) is a regular in our house. Usually make two at a time, one for my wife and son (with meat) the other for myself (with veg and plenty of spicy chillies). Relatively inexpensive and relatively healthy as not too heavy with the cheese.

    • Is it particularly difficult to do the base Willie? Been wanting to start making my own myself.

  16. Having had proper pizzas in Rome, I avoid the shite in UK supermarkets or takeaways – it’s just very overpriced cheese-on-toast!
    One day I might try a Dominos one, but only if it was priced sensibly, i.e., £0.50 (because that’s all the ingredients cost).

  17. I enjoy a pizza as long as it has real cheese, been made with good dough and not dry from lack of tomato, and has sensible toppings, such as Italian sausage and red chilli or ham and olives.

    • Cuntamus,
      Im not massive on pizza but plenty of onion & peppers goes well as does that pepperoni.

      *Good to see you back👍

      • The only dominoes my Dad liked Miserable was in Bradfield Road Working Mans Club on a Sunday afternoon.

      • Hehehe,
        My grandad was deeply suspicious of food Bob,
        As is my old dad,
        As am I.
        The amount of times my mam thought shed try an be posh
        “Whats that?
        “Coq au vin, its French!”
        Im not eating that.😀

      • I know you shouldn’t go on what food looks like Miserable, but seriously, I would spew if someone put snails, frogs legs, squid or jellied eels in front of me.

  20. Exactly ,I was working in Germany and after two months boss takes the four of us out for a treat near Frankfurt but still in the sticks . It was an Italian pizza house that was run by Italians, the main man real dodgy eyes like only the Italians have judging you . Anyway the Centre piece was a beehive type oven that took up a third of the floor space with burning timbers inside . When the pizza finally arrived after several beers it was the size of a round table and more than fed us all. It was exquisite the year was 1984 and I thought pizza was the food of the Gods. Soon found out even when in the same country 99% of pizza is shit masquerading as food sold by cunts all over the world. But that pizza mmmm but it would want to have been nice the fucking thing cost nearly 200 deutsch marks at the time (about 80 quid) surprise to me as well.

  21. As Willie said above, making your own pizza base is the key. And putting decent fresh ingredients on, not the processed ‘meat’ on most Dominos pizzas. Here in Australia they put so much greasy shite on pizzas that the oil seeps into the base – it’s better to stick to the vegetarian options.

    Italy has great pizza and it’s usually cheap because it’s basically cheese on toast. Bizarrely, one of the best pizzas I ever had was in a beer garden the Tiergarten in Berlin.

  22. But there are oodles of riff raff and hordes of Britscum who will see these parking stanley pizza places (fucking Halal and all usually) as top class take away grub. And they will see shite like Dominoes as the apex of cuisine. That is how low standards have dropped here in Blighty. And what a fucking rip off they are and all. What these cunts charge for a bottle of coke alone is eye watering. And the ‘chips’ always taste like shit.

    Best pizza I had was in Turin in 1999. Worst was in Spain. This fucker with four whole fried eggs on it. I ate it for a bet in 1989.

    • My old man once succinctly described pizza as “crap served on cardboard”. Difficult to fault that statement really.

  23. Pizza was originally created as sustenance for the armies of Ancient Rome when on the field. They would find a stream, mix the flour with water to create the dough and spread it out across their shields. Then would then add olive oil, along with herbs and meat they found in the area. The pizza was then left to cook in the sun. This is probably why Sicilian pizza is square.

  24. The pizzas you are referring to I actually can’t eat because I’m a Coeliac, but I’m still fond of pizza………. especially one with a good garlic base. Om nom nom!

    This cunting does remind me that I should probably do a nomination for wheat/barley/rye because they are cunts to my immune system, my lymphatic system, my skin and most importantly……….. my ring piece.

  25. Pizzas a load of fucking gash.

    Let’s face it: what is it?

    Its just cheese on toast with high falutin’ ideas above its station.

    Now fuck off.

  26. Yeah pizza is definitely cuntish type food you got to eat in hot out of the box before because if you have to reheat it loses alot of its flavour.

    I dread when we order cause I’d much rather go for Thai but my mom doesn’t like spicy food she can’t fucking hack 2 out of 10 on the spicy scale but she somehow manages to eat raw onions in a bloody salad! no problem. So if we can’t decide on anything else we end up getting pizza

  27. Gladly second the nom – can’t fucking abide the stuff, looks like stone baked tramp’s barf to me and smells like it too as if the look of the fucking things wasn’t enough.
    I’ll occasionaly give in to the lad’s pestering and chuck one in the oven, hey it’s quick and convenient isn’t it… well it took a good two hours to scrape and then wire brush the carbonised remnants of a Good fellah’s stuffed crust off the floor of the oven as it collapsed through the bars into an oozing volcanic magma… fucking w0p shite.

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