I should like to nominate butlers for a cunting. I have never met an honest one; they are a bunch of self-serving, drunken blighters who invariably work against their long-suffering employers rather than for them.

The latest transgression by my current butler (Arnold Shittern) is the wearing of a hazmat suit while going about his butlering duties and claiming it a necessary precaution against Covid-19.

You can imagine the impression created when visitors call. Despite being told repeatedly not to, he continues with this abomination, even when he’s out picking up odds and ends from the local food bank.

Obviously this has its advantages – no one dares question his appropriation of all the champagne, oysters or caviar for instance – but I really detest being served afternoon tea by an urban spaceman and having half of it spilled in my lap by the incompetent blaggard.

Not only that, I hear from cook that during his aforementioned trips to the food bank, instead of obtaining supplies of the common groceries necessary for concocting meals for those Below Stairs, he is, after obtaining the important Upstairs items, loading the rest of the dog cart with crates of brown ale for his own consumption.

You really couldn’t make it up.

Nominated by: Lady Chatterley

30 thoughts on “Butlers

  1. Our collie is nicknamed Butler as he fetches my good lady or myself from around our extensive house when meals or ready or when we are unable to hear the telephone in one of the rooms. Far more honest than the human variety.

    We are enjoying that Welsh book you recommended Lady C.

  2. I would never have a Butler…they are for nasty parvenu types who lack class…the type who have a “cinema-room” and insist on telling you how much they paid for everything..of course,as I said to my good friend Lord Davenport (he genuinely is a complete Nutter) as we dined on a banquet of roast swan and tinned-pie the other day after evicting a few Plebs on Christmas Eve….”the trouble with the nouveau-rich types is that they lack breeding…all the money in the World (and I,of course,have vast wealth) is nothing without class”.
    Butlers,oysters and caviar indeed….how frightfully plebian.

    I actually knew a fella who was a butler…he was employed by some Arab..did very well out of it and retired a wealthy man.

    • We holidayed in Singapore many moons ago, staying in a pretty fancy hotel (no, not Raffles). We got upgraded to some suite or other and the room came with a butler. We’ve never been so confused, and genuinely had no idea what he was there for, so we never asked anything of him.

      By the third or fourth day he actually asked us to get him to do something, as the hotel manager had noticed his lack of activity…..so we asked if he could bring us a coffee, please.

      I think the upshot was that we couldn’t see how people are so fucking lazy or up themselves that they need waiting on, morning, noon and night.

      We apologised to the poor cunt when we checked out. Anyone that gets a kick out of ordering others around, simply through their own laziness and/or ineptitude, needs a good fucking punching, in my opinion.

  3. That Burrell fellow that butlered for mad old Princess Die appears to be a bit of a cunt in my view.

    Apart from that I have nothing more to add.

    • I’d love to know just what he had hidden away that convinced the Queen to suddenly “remember” that she’d given him permission to pinch a load of Lady Died’s stuff.

      He’s a revolting oily little bum-bandit but I’d love it if he exposed “England’s Rose” to be the cheating cow that I always took her to be.

      Good Morning,LDC
      Good Morning All.

      PS…it’s as hard as the hobs of hell out there this morning.

  4. Morning Mr F,
    To be fair, it’s not much that escapes her Maj, so he must have some pretty good dirt, perhaps back in the day he hid the evidence up his back passage to avoid being caught in possession. I suspect pictures of Andrew may have been involved. Allegedly.

    Cold here too, I just saw a brass monkey go past the window, looking for a welder.

  5. Wahhhhh……I ate you Butla!

    Pfffft a butler? Never! Now, a French maid however….. 🤤

    Other than that, this nom should be called how to spot a fantasist sock~puppet. But I suppose it is a bit of fun, sort of, in these strange times.

  6. I dont think many on this site have butlers. There was RTC who employed Stroker for a while only to heartlessly banish him to a tent in the grounds when the Chinese Lurgy struck.
    I know not what happened to him, but he was a rock by all accounts. Perhaps he is selling tales of inappropriate horns to the tabloids? We shall see.

    • Afternoon Cunstable

      Some say Willie Stroker has recently returned and posted on ISAC but I don’t believe it myself.

      • Thank Dog you’re back, Stroker! My morning newspaper hasn’t been ironed for months.

        He’s my rock, Cuntstable. And rumours of Willie holed up in his allotment shed with only Lady Died’s soiled undercrackers for company are mildly exaggerated!

        And that Liberal Liquidator’s no better. He only turns up for an hour or two at Christmas to get the free satsuma and piece of coal that I generously hand out to each of my employees, greedy bastard.

      • Prof Stroker, I’d like to hear some dispatches from your adventures while absent.

        Just a few crumbs please.

  7. Apparently, and as no real surprise, Elton John has a butler. He also had a bodyguard who alleged that Elton shoved his hand down his trousers in a sexual assault, attempting to feel his twig and berries. The old Watford Turdburglar tried to keep that one from the media, which was denied by tribunal.

    I guess Elton may have worn out a few butlers in his time.

  8. I’d rather have a Butler than an MP.

    Neither would be honest, but one would have the means to get you done in, and it wouldn’t be Mr Butler with the candlestick in the cellar.

    • I had a neighbour called Mr Butler. He used to bring me little plastic farm animals and things.

      Looking back, who knows what he might have done to me. If he did, the memory of that is long gone. All I know is he left us his house, so we knocked the fucker through to create a 4-bedroomer.

  9. Does anyone else remember playing Tomb Raider 2 on the PS1 and locking that scuttling old fart butler with his tea tray in the fridge 😂

  10. This is the shittest nom ever. If you have a thing called a ‘Butler’, then you just sound like someone who has a hole ready to bend over and take it up the arris any time.

  11. In the brave new world, post great reset, employment as a butler in the household in one of our ruling elites, will be considered a prime position.

    I shall be setting up an employment agency this year, specialising in the supply of flunkies to our glorious overlords.
    If successful, I shall be offering regional franchises to fellow IsAC’ers, for a generous “commission”😉

    • After the Great Reset we’ll all be too busy foraging for dandelions and cockroaches, so you’ll have to wipe your own arse I’m afraid!

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