Faked up Film

Went down soft brain memory lane today and thought I would watch the BBC programme “The Great Freeze 1963” which took place Nov ’62 – March ’63 so settled down in front of the telly with me last bottle of single malt vintage 1963.

Remembered The Freeze itself and programme well, a re-hash of the old Tonight footage fronted by bone dome comb-over BBC cunt Cliff Michelmore (long dead) with Kenneth Allsop (long dead) and Derek Hart (long dead) but alas no Alan Whicker (also long dead).

Pleasure to hear God’s own measurements – inches, feet, yards and miles, mph, real temperature in Fahrenheit – in God’s own language if a bit clipped, no froggie metric shite.

Then bugger me thought I must have a terminal brain tumour what with all the fake delamination, gate scratching and white snow jaggers going on – not to forget the occasional frame freeze. Count meself l ucky frozen Britain did not start boogying around like a speeded up Keystone Cops (look them up cunts) silent comedy.

Wazzup Bro? A new breed of woke video editors is fucking up our historic footage (they count the ‘60s as historic) at the BBC and at the various clip agencies that they draw from. They think that de yoot can only relate to the past (or our yesterdays) if it is first fucked over to create a never never land of FX. (FX in my book means Fake Effect)

Only surprise is that the BBC did not apply my least favourite technique, colorization to the original monochrome footage. Hitler would love it if he could see himself now. (Explanatory: The Fuhrer and his merry men are probably the most regularly colorized cunts on the internet).



The old cunt couple that run Talking Pictures TV out of a shed in their back garden saw all this coming back in the ‘70s and bought up the rights to shed loads of B/W footage unwanted by distributors in the new dawn of colour. There was a time when the BBC and the BFI (British Film Institute) did the opposite of what now happens, sensitively and sometimes miraculously restoring archive footage including Victorian porn.

Howso Bro? Nowadays even the most basic image and home video editing software has tools to provide vintage film effects and colorization. You can do it online with Google or FaceBook or download software for free.

The results are all up there with brain drool cunts showing off their garish and flaky versions of The Somme or great uncle Tom getting topped for cowardice in 1916. They then email or FB the shite to each other. “Great pecker color uncle Hank.” “Really cool red ya got there for the horse entrails buddy.” “Jeez don’t that little Edwardian girl look just so sweet bending over in her pink bloomers. Great definition Billy Bawb – ya can go right in and in.”

It all started with versions of Final Cut and similar pro studio packages. If you need a tech wank go here: https://filmlook.com/

Nominated by: Sir Limply Stoke

55 thoughts on “Faked up Film

  1. Great nomination, both.

    Its a wonder they are only mucking around with archive footage. I am surprised it has not been burnt as evidence of the racist, imperialist past.

    Talking Pictures TV is going a grand job showing old shit. Dame Anna Neagle and Herbert Wilcox ride again. Even had Mr Pastry on. Brilliant. An oasis of sanity in a world gone tits up.

    • As far as the Beeb and its Global Warming/Climate Change/ Armagheddon/ Whatever Scary Name It Has This Week obsessed Beeboids are concerned this all occurred “before records began” Before 1979 there were no flood disasters (1953 and others), no hot summers (77?), no years of non-stop rain with farmers just ploughing the rotten crops back in, etc etc.

  2. I did enjoy Peter Jackson’s WW1 film though, Sir Limply.
    Even though he had the title, slightly wrong.

    Also enjoyed Harry Enfield’s Mr Chomondlry-Warner skits 👍

    Interesting nomination-everyday is a school day, on IsAC.


    • Wish wed have another Great Freeze.
      I want to see 6ft of snow,
      Ymir’s the frost giants icy touch,
      People snowed in having supplies air dropped in.
      Bring on the thundersnow
      Bring on freezing fog
      Bring on the wolves!
      I love winter .

      • Damned right, MNC. I love driving in snow too. My shitty ancient car with narrow tyres never gets stuck and I’ve driven past numerous panzerwagons that were utterly stuck due to their low profile tyres.
        Plus you can scare your passengers by doing handbrake 720s in snowy car parks

      • Thomas,
        The other year a snowstorm hit,
        Cars pulling in,
        The road just opened up in front of me!
        I put my foot down, had ‘air that I breathe’by the Hollies blaring out, the snow was battering against the windscreen,
        Felt dead happy!!

  3. I have read this nom 3 times. I saw the 63 freeze programme, comb overs, clipped speech and all. I may be a dull cunt, but I have no fucking idea what this is about except the colourisation bit.

  4. A thoughtful and enjoyable read Sir Limply.

    I rather enjoy your contributions. They’re a bit different to the usual.

    In my mind’s eye I picture you as being a bit like Rowley Birkin QC from The Fast Show.

  5. Always annoys me when some cunt institute decides to colourize old b/w films in order for them to appeal to a contemporary audience!

    I bought a Laurel & Hardy boxset not so long ago, containing every film they ever did. But it also included some colourized ones, which looked phoney as fuck.

    Seems that younger people just can’t deal with b/w (is that racist now?)

    • Yes it is.
      Laurel & Hardy Techno?
      Best in BW!!
      Ever been Ulveston were Stan Laurel was born?
      Your up that way arent you?
      I’m a big fan too.
      Lets join ‘the sons of the desert’!

      • Nor me, MNC. I recorded a programme on ‘Now Christmas’ and it was on there, along with Steeleye Span, Brighouse and Rastrick Brass Band, Toy Dolls, The Snowmen, Fiddlers Dram plus more guilty pleasures!

      • Great clip DCI!
        It’s even got a cameo appearance by Willie Thorne as the barman!

      • Got my photo took leaning against the Laurel & Hardy statue in Ulverston a couple of years ago MNC.

        Hope Burn Loot Murder don’t get wind of its existence.

      • Ulverston is about 40 sw of where I live. Haven’t been down there yet, but will certainly make a point of doing so, not least for the L&H statue

      • We bought the L&H boxed set 20 years ago and it included colourised versions even then.

        Colourisation has been going on since the 1980s, if not earlier.

      • Great town Ulverston, Mis.
        Lots of nice pubs, beaches to walk the dog(s), property is good value for money and not TOO many cunts.
        Well, a few😉

  6. Imagine the opportunity a great freeze would bring the elite. Turn the power off now and let the cunts suffer whilst the elites of course will miraculously of only last week had generators installed.

    They warned about a pandemic in 2016 and a few weeks ago the biggest threat to our security was identified as a cyber attack on the power infrastructure.

    We won’t need to watch colourised footage we will see it live now whilst we enjoy our HIV positive test result.

    • Interesting comment SV.
      Bond villain Klaus Schwab of the WEF has recently been babbling about a future potential “cyber pandemic” which will make the covid crisis seem insignificant.

  7. To deviate slightly, I think that overall my generation and generations since have very limited attention spans and it seems to have gotten worse as time has gone on.

    I remember as a child watching programmes that were only about 30 minutes in length but seemed longer. Sometime in the early 1990s I started to notice that on Saturday morning they’d play half the cartoon and you’d have to wait for the remaining half an hour or so later.
    Programmes seemed to get shorter and shorter until they were in 5 minute bursts.

    Here we are decades later and the general population seem to have the attention span of a goldfish with ADHD.
    We have everything in bursts. Information is in twitter posts or short soundbites, news bulletins,etc. I often hear BBC news alerts on people’s phones going off all the time.
    TikTok/SnapChat videos are only seconds in length.
    Nobody really looks past page one of search engine results.

    It has become some sort of induced ADHD.

    • When I was a kid we had 3 TV channels which didn’t start till about 10am I think and shut down at around midnight.

      I know we had some shit but most of it was quality programming.

      We didn’t have Netflix, Video Games, Mobile Phones or anything like that so we had to entertain ourselves.

      Nowadays we have a 24 hours, always-on culture where everything is at our fingertips and wonder why kids have no imagination and can’t keep themselves occupied for more than 5 minutes.

      Yes, we have hundreds of TV channels so the choice is vast but that isn’t always a good thing. This has led to a dilution of quality and the increase in reality/quiz/game/panel shows which are cheap to film and the inevitable rise in the so called ‘Celeb’ culture which makes ‘Stars’ out of vacuous, talentless twats.

      Then the media perpetuates this by giving said ‘Celebs’ their own shows where they can create even more vacuous, talentless twats.

      Soon our whole culture will be like one big reality show.

      • Agreed.

        Case in point – Gogglebox.

        Television on the cheap – a television programme comprised of other people watching television programmes.

        Scarlet Moffat – no discernible talent, intellect, she’s not even nice to look at. Yet, she’s made millions. A Kerry Katona for millenials if you will.

        Same with Love Island and all that other dross.

      • you trying to step on my good name? 😯
        This could lead to some confusion for the not so swift of reading in that you may be mistaken for me.
        Cease and desist sir,cease and desist i say!!!
        Thanks admin for your thoughts on this matter

  8. I didn’t watch this programme but I agree with your nom as it would piss me off. Film is such a fantastic format why would you make it look poorer? It also pisses me off when films are shown in 4:3 format (when the originals were widescreen) and taken from a poor print. I’ve been involved in digitising 35mm and 16mm (I’m no expert In the this) film from the 50s and 60s is far better than any videotape from the 80s onwards. I bought a legal copy of Shawshank on DVD and it looked like it was filmed off the tv with poor camcorder.

    • Even worse is when original 4:3 is ‘converted’ to widescreen. Case in point The Sweeney.

      Pisspoor and unnecessary ; closeups render Jack Reagan’s nose and mouth in pore-detail….. but omit his head and ears!

  9. Best thing about 62-63 was our headmistress let us go the school in “long” trousers. Yes we had to go to school even when the OUTSIDE TOILETS froze up. Cunts now close the school down if there is a snow flurry. Hard, fucking rock hard.

    • Nowt wrong with outside toilets sluiced clean by driving rain.

      I held the record for highest piss-mark for week or two until some 6 foot tall cunt arrived

  10. I remember my granddad telling me he had to dig through eight feet of snow to get to the outside bog in his Collyhurst yard in 63.

    He also told me a great story about the daft cunt who lived next door. Their toilet was frozen solid, so the daft sod next door poured boiling water down the bowl and the entire bog cracked like an egg and was unusable.

    • The series theme tune reminds me of having to go to school the next day. Same with To The Manor, Born, Mastermind and That’s Life. Fabulous series despite that ‘feeling’!

      • Time for some “Peter Kay” type nostalgia:

        Sunday-have a lie in reading comics, up at 9.00.
        Down the lane with an air rifle (lived next to a farm).
        Shoot a few rabbits fr the old farmer (he loved me😀👍).

        Off to town to the Sunday market, brilliant around Christmas time.
        Mums Sunday dinner-usually chicken or lamb. Proper home made gravy and home made roasters 👍

        Out with the dog for a walk.
        Back in time for The Top 40-trying to tape the songs and cut out the chat😀

        Watching Sunday night telly with the family.

        Into a nice hot bath, then to bed and watching The South Bank Show or similar-I know exactly what DCI means about that Sunday night feeling of depression-back to school blues👎

        Oh to be 11 again😀👍

      • Brilliant, Cuntfinder👍Bumper Christmas TV/Radio Times, circling what you wanted to watch. Mostly quality entertainment, not celeb/reality shite and a PROPER film, praying you got a Chopper and Tin Can Alley. Sunday tea time watching Rugby Special with my dad. Better times. Much better.

      • Gene:

        I got “Crossfire” for Christmas when I was 8 or 9-would gave loved Tin-can-alley👍

        Got an air rifle (Diana) for 11th Christmas-been begging all year. I had to be bloody responsible with it too👍.

        Sorry to go off topic Sir Limply😯
        We old guys love a bit of nostalgia😍

      • Ooh, Crossfire!! Loved that, and Super Flight Deck! Thought I could land a Phantom on the Ark Royal after playing that for a bit!! Making model aircraft for HOURS on end, readink comics and books. Kids I work with haven’t a clue what I’m on about half of the time! You should have seen one young paramedics face when I told her that I remember Slade’s ‘Merry Christmas Everyone’ the first time round!!!

      • The ‘That’s Life’ theme tune at the end was the signal the weekend was over, my mum said it was time for my bed, and that the school week was ahead.

        I still hate that fucking music to this day.

        Although the episode they had with that Scottish lad with severe tourettes is still one of the funniest fucking things I’ve ever seen (”I think the peas are over CUNT!!! there TITSBASTARD!”…summat like that anyway). The look on that old lady’s face in the supermarket lol.

    • Norman-if you like historical documentaries on the war(s), check out Mark Feltons YouTube channel-hours of great footage with intelligent commentary from Mark👍

      • Cheers for that CG. Will check it out. Much appreciated

        The World At War (Thames TV 1973) was done so well and it was both accurate and balanced. Both sides were interviewed and it is still the definitive documentary on World War II.

        Had it been made now by the BBC, it would be full of digs at Old Winnie being a racist and how they’ve magically discovered that BAMEs were the true heroes of the war. Oh yeah, and there would be some drink it in di congo cunt narrating it.

  11. Cor, I seen Mr Pastry (Richard Hearn) at the Tivoli in Aberdeen when i was a little boy,even then i thought he was weird. The Tonight programme with Cliff Mitchelmore, i anounced to my family that he was my uncle. I was a strange child.!!

  12. It gets better, not only old “vintage” film gets the treatment but now a whole new generation of software does the same to old actors. Cos’ why? Super high definition which shows every pore and wrinkle or repaired coke shot conk. Also big films need big talent such as Alex Guiness or Christopher Lee (both long dead) so who is there of their magnitude left that does not look like a walking corpse? Even middling names like Gene Hackman and old RSC wooftah Ian McKellan in the flesh are disconcertingly close to death.
    Solution run their footage through digital de-aging software

  13. I love Talking Pictures TV. I’ve been watching Budgie which is like a very dark version of Minder for people under 40. In the last episode the reduced the volume 3 times to skip outdated racial attitudes. I’ll need to buy the DVD to find out what he really said.

    I’m not sure what the “The Great Freeze 1963” programme was. I’ll need to try to watch it on iPlayer. They shouldn’t mess about with archive footage.

    There was a film Snow (1963) – Geoffrey Jones | BFI National Archive which is more of a photo montage. It was made in 1962 in colour. Not colourised.
    Warning: fast moving action may induce epilepsy:

    A lot of films on Talking Pictures TV them seem to be preserved by the BFI. The one about Refueling Your 2 Stroke Engine in the 1950s is owned by Renown Pictures:

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